Why is it wrong to mention the person who told you something, to who it concerns?

[Suzanne]

Sorry if that is rather confusing!

My husband insists that I am being very undiplomatic when someone tells me something about someone else ie that they are unwell or having a hard time or had some bad news etc, and does not tell me to keep it confidential, that I mention the name of the person who related it to me.

For example, as I detect that what I have further said is not easy to wrap one's head around!

I asked one friend, why another friend was not with us and she said: ah well, she is feeling exhausted and I was just about to text, when friend said: oh she said to not text her, because she rather not be disturbed for a while and so, I didn't text.

But later, roughly an hour later, I did text and explained that my friend had mentioned that she was tired but didn't wish to be disturbed, but I thought that she might like to wake up to a friendly text? Well she got back and said there must have been a misunderstanding, for she was fine.

My husband told me off for mentioning the name of the friend who told me and yet, neither of these ladies were upset that I had "mentioned names".

I am told that it is gossip and I should not "drop names".

What I do not get is that when I do mention where the information comes from, it is because I heard the person is not well, or having a rough time etc; not: oh so and so told me that she doesn't like you or thinks you are loud. To my mind that is nasty and I wouldn't do it. Plus if I did not mention the source of the information, wouldn't that get the recipient concerned who was talking about her or him?

If I am in error with my thinking, then please do try to explain why I should not do this? My husband also says that he thinks he is going to have to stop relating things to me, for he does not trust that I will keep it to myself. I am hurt, because I really have been working on being more diplomatic and so far, so good.

 

[Datura]

I do not see anything wrong in what you did. Your husbands thought processes are probably as alien to me as they are to you. Him threatening to cut you out of the loop is also quite hurtful.

I think that by doing what you did you are keeping your friends honest. It is no use spreading mistruths about people if it gets back to them, even if the intent was harmless. Who wants to live in a web of deceit anyway?

 

[Suzanne]

I do not see anything wrong in what you did. Your husbands thought processes are probably as alien to me as they are to you. Him threatening to cut you out of the loop is also quite hurtful.

I think that by doing what you did you are keeping your friends honest. It is no use spreading mistruths about people if it gets back to them, even if the intent was harmless. Who wants to live in a web of deceit anyway?

That is EXACTLY my thoughts too and why when he threatened me ( because that was what it was) that he can't trust me now; a sly attempt to get me to agree, I just said: in that case you are just going to have to not share things with me, because in truth, I can't agree with you. Lol he said back: that is a shame then, because sometimes I need to share with you!

 

[Datura]

I think you just called his bluff.

 

[ancusmitis]

Sounds normal to me.

There are some religions where it is prohibited to speak about other people at all, because either you are saying something bad, or you are encouraging an enemy of theirs to say something bad in response to the good things you are saying. So better to say nothing. Does not sound like what's going on here.

 

[Progster]

I don't think that you did anything wrong by mentioning your friend's name - both you and the friend you were with were acting in good faith and that doesn't strike me as being gossip. However, given that your friend told you that the other friend didn't want to be disturbed, you probably should have waited until the next day before texting her.

Situations like this are complicated and rather confusing. What is right for me is wrong for someone else - I guess this is why I don't have a large circle of friends.

Edit: I always thought that the rule was that you don't mention names when someone says something bad about another person, but that it's ok to do so when they do or say something kind, but I guess I was wrong! Unless saying that someone is tired and doesn't want to be disturbed is somehow considered bad? Idk...

 

[Suzanne]

the rule was that you don't mention names when someone says something bad about another person, but that it's ok to do so when they do or say something kind,

That is my rule too! But hubs thinks that either way is gossip! I have to admit, I would love to hear other NT's thoughts on this, because then I can determine if it is a general or just my husband. I can then think how to deal with it, because he is a hard man to reason with!

 

[Progster]

That is my rule too! But hubs thinks that either way is gossip! I have to admit, I would love to hear other NT's thoughts on this, because then I can determine if it is a general or just my husband. I can then think how to deal with it, because he is a hard man to reason with!

I'm also interested to hear other NTs thoughts on this - perhaps an NT on the forum will see this and provide some feedback.

Your husband's reaction strikes me as being rather over the top - perhaps it's just him?

 

[NTgirl4276]

hi! one of the handful of resident NTs here

I disagree with your husband insofar as I would never apply it as a general rule that "mentioning names" is inherently rude or unacceptable. I have done exactly the same thing that you have done on a handful of occasions; when I am expressing concern for someone, I find that there is nothing wrong with saying, for example, "Julie mentioned you weren't feeling well the other day. Is everything alright?"

But, as Progster mentioned, this can be a complicated situation, as things often become easily misconstrued when multiple people are relaying a story. have you ever played that game called "Telephone," where you start off whispering a message to someone, they whisper it to the next person, and by the time the message reaches the 10th person, the message has completely changed? this is one of those games that teaches a good life lesson.

imagine this scenario: Friend #1 shares some deeply personal information with Friend #2, perhaps that they have been depressed about some marital troubles. then, Friend #2 comes and speaks to you and uses a "shorthand": she simply tells you that Friend #1 isn't "feeling well." You, of course, are a rational and compassionate human being, so you reach out to Friend #1, thinking that "feeling well" refers to physical illness or exhaustion. All of a sudden, Friend #1 thinks that Friend #2 has been divulging her personal problems all over town, and becomes embarrassed, ashamed, nervous, etc.

personally, though, even the scenario I described above does not suggest that YOU were being rude. you acted on the information you were given (your friend isn't feeling well, and it's always kind to check on a friend). it's Friend #2, who possibly shared privileged information and/or misrepresented it with a vague or reductionist NT shorthand, who might have been rude.

I don't think your husband has communicated this well to you, but I think many people, in general, get immediately nervous when they hear, in any context, that they've been talked about when they're not present. but I think the ongoing human version of the "Telephone" game also makes NTs uncomfortable with any form of "well, someone told me..."

Because of this, I only "use names" when all people involved belong to the same, very close friend group--a group in which all members trust one another and feel confident that the others would not speak ill of each other in private. Even if one of my friends says, "Thomas told me you're being totally dumb about what happened," I don't get upset, because I know that even if they're talking about me (even disagreeing with something I'm doing!), it's never mean-spirited and always with love for me. but many people are not lucky enough to have such trust in their friendships, and will always live in fear of what has been said about them when they're not around.

 

[Karin]

I have gotten in trouble on several occasions when I was younger by telling person #1 what person #2 had said, mostly when it was not kind.

One situation I can recall was a New Year's Eve where the boyfriend of our friend was telling, after she had left, that he was only with her because he felt sorry for her. In the end I told her, after they had broken up, and guess what happened after they got back together again... So much for that friend...

I just never pass on any of that kind of information. My rule is to only talk about comments where I can say 'I', never the elusive 'we' or, worst, 'they'. I don't see it as gossip. To me gossip is two people talking unkindly about a third person. But I do see it as trouble. I have seen it make people fall out with each other and certainly me getting in trouble. I might use the knowledge (as in your situation, I would have sent a text but not referred to anyone) but never quote. There no telling what kind of anthill I could be kicking...

 

[Ylva]

Simplest explanation: he's trying to control you.

I think anyone would be a little freaked out by being told "someone told me you were ill, but they wished to be anonymous".

The scenario you described, I would have interpreted as your friend not wanting to include your "sick" friend and so not telling her about it, but lying to you about it for mysterious NT reasons. Their brains work differently, you know.

For my part, I would have thought anyone would want to know if someone they considered a friend were secretly hostile to them behind their backs, but truth be told I can't muster up the interest to pay attention to gossip anymore.

 

[LunaViolet]

There is nothing wrong with what you did, in my opinion. All I have been told is to not mention things to people, that was said about them behind their backs.

 

[Suzanne]

I'm also interested to hear other NTs thoughts on this - perhaps an NT on the forum will see this and provide some feedback.

Your husband's reaction strikes me as being rather over the top - perhaps it's just him?

Over the top makes up the entire personality of my husband!

 

[Beverly]

I don't drop names and there is a reason.

Say Joe tells me that Bob is sick and won't be over for the party.
I tell Bob that Joe said he was sick and not coming to the party.
Bob then informs me that Joe lied and, now Bob is mad a Joe and, I just ruined a friendship.

Instead I'll say "Bob, someone told me you weren't feeling well and will miss the party." Now Bob can deny it and come to the party, or confirm it, even if he isn't really sick, and not come to the party and, he and Joe are still friends.

NTs are bad for telling white lies and, equally bad about flying off the handle if someone else lies about them so, it's just better to keep names out of the "so and so told me that you/he/she....." conversations.

 

[ancusmitis]

I don't drop names and there is a reason.

Say Joe tells me that Bob is sick and won't be over for the party.
I tell Bob that Joe said he was sick and not coming to the party.
Bob then informs me that Joe lied and, now Bob is mad a Joe and, I just ruined a friendship.

Instead I'll say "Bob, someone told me you weren't feeling well and will miss the party." Now Bob can deny it and come to the party, or confirm it, even if he isn't really sick, and not come to the party and, he and Joe are still friends.

NTs are bad for telling white lies and, equally bad about flying off the handle if someone else lies about them so, it's just better to keep names out of the "so and so told me that you/he/she....." conversations.

"White lies" are such weird behavior. It is always possible to soften a criticism without outright lying. I think aspies get in trouble more because we don't always know how to soften things. But diplomacy is not inherently dishonest.

 

[Karin]

In these kinds of situations I would just not mention anyone saying anything, just take it as a reason to follow up with a friend and ask how they are doing.

Another point we haven't picked up yet is that, for me at least, I don't want to share everything with everybody. This means different people can get different explanations from me.

 

[Moore]

This particular situation it doesn't seem like you did anything wrong. Maybe your husband relates it to prior experiences and not the particular example by itself. In general it seems to relate to an underlying problem with human communication. Too much interpreting and reading between the lines and not enough open and honest communication.