When do you tell people you are an aspie?

[Christian T]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

Sounds like a good plan there, Kelly, I hope it goes well.

You might be clumsy in speech, but I think you write perfectly well. Your posts are always very coherent in my opinion. But I know that speech is an entirely different thing. I often take big pauses to think of the right words, which I can only afford to do when writing. I also doubt the meaning on a word or phrase I'm about to use, and constantly get cold feet and change opinions halfway through a sentence.

 

[rolo]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

I have a condition that means my brain is wired differently. So sometimes my senses get mixed up, I can obsess over certain hobbies, I may say or do the strangest things which can make it hard to interact socially but I am also extremely honest, have good logic and am very loyal and caring in my own special way.


Thanks Kelly-sometimes big words (as you put it)are not necessary to be articulate and articulate you certainly are! if you wish to drive a point across keep it simple!You have saved the day!! one point -if a word feels right it generally is- sometimes I use words that i can not fully explain but they almost always turn out to be right-Be brave and use them! also sometimes there is only one word in the English language that fully expresses what I wish to convey and sometimes it's really difficult to either find or remember it. i wish you luck with your mother in law.
you have just helped me by writing this-why don't you use it yourself as well.

 

[total-recoil]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

My German Shep buddy does view me differently to other people but that's because I relate to him not as a dog but as a friend. The odd thing is when I sit next to him with an electronics work-book and get my calculator out he happily chews a ball and licks my face or rolls around. Yesterday I had my book and was drinking some milk. next thing I knew his face was right up against mine and he wanted the milk. I kept saying, "No! Go back"!" but he really wanted some of that milk. I drank it quick and then gave him the rest and the whole thing was kind of funny as he's such a powerful dog and he wanted my stuff.
Friends do find it very weird as they may pat the dog and behave as people do with dogs and stay aloof. But to me he's my best friend and I now understand the differences between canines and people better, dogs having very different senses and a different spectrum of intelligence.

Hi total Recoil!

We did the same thing with a Great Dane from the SPCA. He has been starved by some maniac & beaten. He was 2 yrs old but only weighed 91lbs (a skeleton!). He had an ulcer on the side of his cheek from being repeatedly beaten with a stick (!). He didn't even have a NAME when the SPCA got him. He's a big guy now, but he'll never grow to normal male Great Dane size. He's the sweetest, most gentle, kind, fun, sensitive to others, considerate, playful loveable dog. We took my puggy (my closest friend & companion & I don't HAVE or want friends or companions!) a day later so neither dog had the chance to become territorial & reject the other. The 2 dogs are like close happy siblings. The Dane treats the pug (small & slim for her age & breed) ever so gently & is very kind to her: cleaning her face, making sure she has supper too before he eats. He's a true gentleman. I can't imagine bossing the dogs around or treating them like they're lesser. I make my pug's food from scratch using the best meats & organic vegetables. the Dane needs a special diet due to his fragile start in life. He tends to become ill & get worms & digestive issues despite our best efforts. We're doing all we can for him.

The pug was another story. I responded to an ad on Kijiji (a free online classified ads site in Canada). Several ads seemed dodgy (basement breeders supplementing their welfare!!!) but this ad had the perfect pug for us (same age as the Dane). The owner was a student who was never home & the pug wasn't getting the attention she needed. As soon as I arrived at the apartment, the pug ran to me & leapt into my arms. Turns out that the seller was a friend of my daughter's friend! I send her photos & updates on the pug regularly.

Both dogs notice when someone is different. They notice it in me (I see them watching sometimes) & they notice people with Down's Syndrome, Autism spectrum disorders & even Dementia. They're not fooled by attempts to appear normal but aren't biased against difference either: they just look & take a mental note.

As for looking a dog in the eye, their comfort level with this varies from one to the next. In dog culture, this is aggressive behaviour. some interpret it that way when a human being does it. Our Dane, however, does this 'thing' where he comes nose to nose with you & stares deep into your eyes. It is truly arresting & remarkable. The pug becomes uncomfortable & self-conscious if you eye-ball her & seems to begin wondering what she did wrong.

 

[total-recoil]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

Maybe print her something out like this:

"We learn that to fit in we have to “fake” it. Through trial and error we lost friends. We over-shared, spilling out intimate details to strangers; we raised our hand too much in class, or didn’t raise our hand at all; we had little impulse control with our speaking, monopolizing conversations and bringing the subject back to ourselves. We aren’t narcissistic and controlling–we know we are not, but we come across that way. We bring the subject back to ourselves because that is how we make sense of our world, that is how we believe we connect. We use our grasp of the world as our foundation, our way of making sense of another. We share our feelings and understandings in order to reach out. We don’t mean to sound ego-centered or over zealous. It’s all we know. We can’t change how we see the world. But we do change what we say. We hold a lot inside. A lot of what we see going on about us, a lot of what our bodies feel, what our minds conjecture. We hold so much inside, as we attempt to communicate correctly. We push back the conversational difficulties we experience, e.g., the concepts of acceptable and accurate eye contact, tone of voice, proximity of body, stance, posture–push it all back, and try to focus on what someone is saying with all the do’s and don’ts hammering in our mind. We come out of a conversation exhausted, questioning if we “acted” the socially acceptable way, wondering if we have offended, contradicted, hurt, or embarrassed others or ourselves. We learn that people aren’t as open or trusting as we are. That others hold back and filter their thoughts. We learn that our brains are different. We learn to survive means we must pretend."
"

I suck at words! My grammar and spelling is terrible and as for actually talking, I end up sounding like a complete idiot, I really wish I knew 'big words' but I don't. Sometimes I randomly come out with a word and then I doubt whether I really know the meaning of it...anyway I'm rambling now.

How about this rolo...

I have a condition that means my brain is wired differently. So sometimes my senses get mixed up, I can obsess over certain hobbies, I may say or do the strangest things which can make it hard to interact socially but I am also extremely honest, have good logic and am very loyal and caring in my own special way.

Just add/remove what you need to

I'm still thinking of the right way to tell my mother in law about being diagnosed, I keep meaning to tell her but either don't have the right moment or can't think of how to word it. I did type out a letter but I keep forgetting to give it to her so I think maybe an email to her at work, giving a brief idea of Asperger's and then inviting her to talk to me about it at the weekend or something will do.

 

[Christian T]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

That was very well-expressed, total-recoil. I think I'll use that myself, and Kelly's of course for its conciseness.

And when I read this part:

We bring the subject back to ourselves because that is how we make sense of our world, that is how we believe we connect. We use our grasp of the world as our foundation, our way of making sense of another. We share our feelings and understandings in order to reach out.

I really seemed to me that neurotypicals do the same thing. I used to get annoyed when, for instance, I was telling an extremely extroverted classmate how, of the two productions the school was running, The Threepenny Opera was the one that best suited me, so I went into that, and she immediately responded with "no, Grease all the way!" It was as though I'd asked her, "Do you prefer The Threepenny Opera" instead of talking about my choices, which seemed very egotistical to me.

Then, however, I realised that this is how she would interact with any other student, and how they would normally with her and each other. Very rarely do neurotypicals seem to me to ask questions and show verbal interest in someone else's opinions. They usually jump in with their own anecdotes, thoughts and feelings, making their conversations a chaotic tussle of egos, in many ways.

Curious how often when you try to define aspies, your descriptions could easily match a member of the majority, especially among teenagers

"Aspies have difficulty expressing their emotions" - as opposed to the many neurotypical teenage boys who are perfectly in tune with their feelings and wear them on their sleeves

"They display intense interest in particular areas" - that makes a whole football stadium full of aspies

I'm sure there are wholes somewhere in my logic here, but I think I'm onto something. Does anyone at least partially agree with me on this?

 

[Loomis]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

I read something that suggested NTs look upon socializing as a game and they assume everyone else looks at it the same way and is also playing the game. That analogy seems right to me.

 

[King_Oni]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

I read something that suggested NTs look upon socializing as a game and they assume everyone else looks at it the same way and is also playing the game. That analogy seems right to me.

And with that... some people suck at games... and some people don't want to play, lol

 

[NeverEnder]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

I rarely have the opportunity to tell someone I have Aspergers.

I am "weird" so people just assume that about me: "He's weird." That has been in effect my whole life.

I do not go out of my way to tell anyone (Besides Doctors, etc).

My family knows, I have informed them, but with them it is as if they either do not understand or accept it. I have pretty much given up on them, anyway.

It may sound strange, but I am happy to have Aspergers.

 

[rolo]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

Total-recoil-what a fantastic piece of writing-so many of us will immediately identify and make sense of this- I have a a particularly hard and exhausting day with 50 strangers celebrating the life of a man I did not know-this sums up everything I would wish to convey- many of you have contributed to help me make easy sense of this condition. This is in fact extremely emotive and what you have put down conveys my experience of 47 years of confusion frustration and overwhelming sadness at living in an isolated bubble in an exterior world that to me seemed so chaotic and dangerous.

 

[Christian T]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

It may sound strange, but I am happy to have Aspergers.

That certainly doesn't sound strange to me. I love being an aspie.

 

[total-recoil]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

Folks, that was a quotation, not my own writing. It was written by a female aspie and there is much more of it. I found it online and related to it so I pasted it here for you all.
Yes, I think we all relate to it and I think if you hand it to friends or family it will help them view aspergers differently.

Total-recoil-what a fantastic piece of writing-so many of us will immediately identify and make sense of this- I have a a particularly hard and exhausting day with 50 strangers celebrating the life of a man I did not know-this sums up everything I would wish to convey- many of you have contributed to help me make easy sense of this condition. This is in fact extremely emotive and what you have put down conveys my experience of 47 years of confusion frustration and overwhelming sadness at living in an isolated bubble in an exterior world that to me seemed so chaotic and dangerous.

 

[total-recoil]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

It's a bit of both. If I were normal then I'm aware I wouldn't be me and I'd not really be a free-thinker - able to think my own way without peer and cultural bias.
On the other hand, being spoken about as "weird" hurts me a lot. It really hurts. Yes, there are a few people who reach out and make an effort to be friends and give me a chance but, more often tha not, I suffer a good deal of social rejection or exclusion. It's a very typical situation for aspies to be ignored during conversations and I'm still not sure why this happens. Part of it is maybe eye contact or body language but sometimes I think there is something not specified that causes NT's to talk around aspies (as if in rejection).
It creates a strange situation. On the one hand you have gifts and on the other hand suffer isolation.

I rarely have the opportunity to tell someone I have Aspergers.

I am "weird" so people just assume that about me: "He's weird." That has been in effect my whole life.

I do not go out of my way to tell anyone (Besides Doctors, etc).

My family knows, I have informed them, but with them it is as if they either do not understand or accept it. I have pretty much given up on them, anyway.

It may sound strange, but I am happy to have Aspergers.

 

[Soup]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

@ total recoil: I understand your point. Many Aspies want to have friendships & a fuller social life. They feel isolated & lonely & rejected. This is where the suffering part comes in: not being able to get what one wants & needs when others around seem to get it so easily is hard to cope with. When a person wants to fit in, is trying to be sociable, nice & included but gets 'tolerated' instead of accepted & is treated as weird, that feeling of rejection is distressing.

Then there are other Aspies like myself. I don't look at all weird so when someone interacts with me, the Aspie-ness can show & then it makes me seem really really weird because the packaging & the contents don't match: sort of like opening a bag of chips only to find it full of Legos! WEIRD! I've never been either hurt or bothered by this because I see the weirdness in the people who arrogantly assume they have the right to label others. Also, I don't seek a social life & feel no need for one.

 

[Cerulean]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

Haha Soup you nailed it. That's exactly how I feel- like a bag of barbecue flavored legos.

 

[Soup]

@ Cerulean: Look on the bright side: BBQ Legos are fat free, sodium free, remain permanently fresh AND are probably worth a lot on the collector's circuit!

On a more serious note, What are solutions to this problem? Some NTs will not mind being friends with a friendly Aspie but having 1 friend is hardly a social life for someone lonely. I'd like to see more active networking amongst Aspies possibly focused around shared interests so the people who meet have something to talk about as well as a deep understanding of Asperger's. It's tough in some places for Aspies to find each other other than online so it can leave them socially isolated. Most NTs don't know about or truly understand Asperger's & won't know how to deal with the ways some Aspies expect a friendship to look like.

What an Aspie might see as a needs & boundaries to reduce anxiety & melt-downs & make them feel safe might seem to an NT to be nothing more than control-freak behaviours or 'craziness'. If I try to look through a NTs eyes at Asperger's, I 'get' where some might just find it too exhausting & one-sided to be a true friendship & decide that it's just not worth the hassle.

This can be like trying to make friends with someone from an extremely different culture who has a series of clothing, behavioural, social & dietary rules ( illogical & unnecessary restrictions or limitations' from an outsider's perspective) that s/he must adhere to. These will affect where you can go, what you can do, how you can dress & what you can say when you're with this friend. Soooo....where's the 'give & take' friendship part? All that is happening is that 1 person must do a constant folk dance around the baffling needs of the other person.

 

[total-recoil]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

My experience is there is a definite rejection and I'm intrigued to find out exactly how it comes about. I found something very curious. My N.T. friends usually always pass the time of day in conversation with me should I bump into one of them. People also have a tendency to give me things. Last night I popped into the local take-a-way and the Chinese girl who owns the place gave me a can of cola. I tried to pay and she said, "No, no pay because you and I friends!" Of course, she's not flirting as she's married but this is just one example.
However, the negative side is once a group is formed I get ignored. It's like just not being there at all. I wondered whether it was my lack of eye contact since I took to casually observing the psychology of group interaction and notice my friends make eye contact every so often (or at least talk directly to one another). Whereas in my case it's sometimes been asked who exactly I'm talking to as I will sometimes talk but look elsewhere.
Anyway, I've concluded it goes beyond even that because I've noticed this phenomenon since I was maybe 6 years old. Perhaps very subtle body language involved.
Anyway, when the first movie Planet Of The Apes was made in 1968, something very odd took place on the film set. Actors had to spend some time being made up as either chimpanzees, baboons or gorillas. During breaks between filming, it was noticed the people dressed as baboons automatically sat in one zone to take lunch, the gorillas in another zone and the chimps somewhere else. The groups didn't mingle. Even despite the fact the only actual difference was superficial make-up.
At any rate, the consequences of this situation are for me often unpleasant. Still not quite sure how to handle it now I know more about Aspergers because I want to have friendships like everybody else but find it very difficult to fit in. I've started to actually tell people I am being evaluated for Aspergers and then briefly try to explain what it is.

@ total recoil: I understand your point. Many Aspies want to have friendships & a fuller social life. They feel isolated & lonely & rejected. This is where the suffering part comes in: not being able to get what one wants & needs when others around seem to get it so easily is hard to cope with. When a person wants to fit in, is trying to be sociable, nice & included but gets 'tolerated' instead of accepted & is treated as weird, that feeling of rejection is distressing.

Then there are other Aspies like myself. I don't look at all weird so when someone interacts with me, the Aspie-ness can show & then it makes me seem really really weird because the packaging & the contents don't match: sort of like opening a bag of chips only to find it full of Legos! WEIRD! I've never been either hurt or bothered by this because I see the weirdness in the people who arrogantly assume they have the right to label others. Also, I don't seek a social life & feel no need for one.

 

[e79243]

I tell people that are people that do not judge at all and they are hard to find. My family does not know. Only very few know

 

[Questella]

When im drunk and oversharing. :/