When do you tell people you are an aspie?

[Christian T]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

Clever solution Cerulean, I'm glad it worked out.


Shoukori, your resolution at the end there sounds perfectly reasonable. Good luck, and I think it might be easier to tell your mother than you think. Do you think it would it help if you just presented the diagnosis as a summary of all the odd traits that she's already aware of, and reminded her that you're still exactly the same person?

 

[Soup]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

It may be a good idea for me to follow you guys' examples in this regard. I don't tell anyone! I figure that they have all kinds of odd quirks that make them unique. I've met many weird people with all kinds of strange habits, odd lifestyles (met an old couple once who had an 'open marriage' & were SWINGERS!) I figured that it wasn't necessarily anyone's business & if I act a bit odd or seem off to them, well...they seem off to me too & I don't expect them to inform me that they're NTs & stranger than a 3 headed cat on top of it. I figured that either we humans learn to accept & tolerate each other or we don't. Unless my behaviour is so off the charts odd that I harm or frighten someone, I don't think it warrants explaining. Perhaps I should let some people know in some contexts like you all seem to do.

 

[Loomis]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

but I must be very good at faking eye contact, as that's something I cannot do, but when I explain that to my friends, they are surprised. My eyes tend to slide around their face and then off to whatever object we're discussing; I guess it's not obvious I'm avoiding their gaze.

This is what my doctor wrote in her diagnosis evaluation: "Mr. X responded to the evaluator's greeting and made adequate eye contact but at times his eye contact appeared somewhat forced. He exhibited a restricted range of facial expression."

I think many of us learn to make eye contact because it is what is expected. I have been doing it for a long time and thought I was pretty good at it. But that's the way it is with aspies--it's always a little off, not quite right from a NT perspective.

When do I tell people I am an aspie? Since I am so new in knowing it I have limited experience. I told people on an on-line stock trading forum that I participate in and received almost all positive responses. One person even confided her son was an aspie. I did, however, get two weird responses that were clearly off-base. I quess that is to be expected.

 

[WildCat]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

Probably never. My mother and everyone here knows, everyone else can keep guessing. You don't just go up to someone and tell them you're an aspie or autistic because...

1. "WTF is an aspie? Aspen? Ass burgers"
2. You'll be mistaken for and/or treated like someone with an intellectual disability
3. You'll be called a liar, especially when you've overcome the more crippling aspects of it and look "normal"
4. Nobody will likely hear you anyways
<---- 5. You'll be treated as having an intellect on par with this guy and be forced to do abstract college level math on a daily basis

Should I go in a cow pasture and scream it to the world? I don't know, that's my 2 cents.

 

[rolo]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

Originally Posted by shoukori View Post

but I must be very good at faking eye contact, as that's something I cannot do, but when I explain that to my friends, they are surprised. My eyes tend to slide around their face and then off to whatever object we're discussing; I guess it's not obvious I'm avoiding their gaze.
I realised today that when I feel uncomfortable looking directly at someone I stare at there mouth instead-I don't know why that never registered before.Hmmm.

 

[shoukori]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

I KNOW I've caught myself sliding around looking at mouth, nose, even ears! But I do KNOW that I really don't ever make direct eye contact, so I was really startled when my easy-to-talk-to-about-it friend said she thought I did. Now that i've pointed it out, she agrees though.

As far as telling my mother, yeah, I'm just not good with talking on such a direct subject. I emailed my friends to start the conversation, although i did bring it up in person around 2 of my other friends the other day, and they were like "yeah, I could see that" and didn't care at all. unfortunately over the past year many of my mother's small habits have really started to grate on my nerves, for whatever reason, and I've been snapping at her rather unfairly now and then. Not big escalated fights or anything; we generally get along. But some of the things she does for whatever reason just set me off. So telling her might diffuse that a bit, I hope.

 

[Droopy]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

My husband is the only person I've told. We were having a big fight and I knew it was from my AS behaviors that I couldn't help, so when we were doing our separate cooling downs I went online and found an article that was written from an NT perspective on how to argue/communicate with an Aspie. I printed it out for him, and it's changed the way we communicate for the better.

Do you have a link to the article? Might be useful to others.

 

[pancakesailship]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

Oh dear. I generally don't tell people unless they bring it up. Like many of my friends know I'm quirky, but most of my friends don't know and don't need to know as they are just as eccentric as I am. Only a few of my more not-so-quirky friends know, as they have pointed out my stimming and noticed my interesting behavior at times xD then I just casually tell them. They're really accepting because it doesn't really change anything. But it really depends on who your friends are or who you're telling.

 

[Christian T]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

1. "WTF is an aspie? Aspen? Ass burgers"

Don't forget asparagus!

Anyway, hearing the struggles of people from previous generations I am very grateful for the much more accepting - but still imperfect - acceptance of aspies in schools. For the record, no one's actually disbelieved me yet when I've told them and I've told many, but I'm sure it happens sometimes.

 

[Soup]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

The thing is that many people haven't got a clue what Asperger's even is. Telling certain people that you have it is likely to lead to having to launch into a lecture worthy of a psychology professor about what it is & how it affects you- then another lecture about how it affects different people differently (like Arthritis & virtually every chronic condition). THEN comes the explanations that, it is NOT a disease, isn't contagious & that NO we're NOT so-called 'retarded' or genii who can perform complex 'human calculator' type math in seconds. While some of us are gifted in a given area, so are many NTs.

I just find it much more expedient to not explain myself. After all, NTs who trip, slip, say the wrong thing, make a mistake, look unusual & aren't perfect all the time do not ever have to say, "By the way, I'm a NT so sometimes my emotions & my intellect get muddled together & I become illogical."

 

[total-recoil]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

Good point. So far my telling my friends has had no positive impact because they don't know what "aspie" means or aspergers. I suspect they don't handle it as well as I do. I can say to myself, yes, I think I have a kind of autism. Some condition that makes some intuitive functions more difficult but it's no big deal really. However, friends feel uncomfortable with the issue and some others just think it's a phase I'm going through and am too bogged down in my own space. So, I now try to explain it a bit more. I think I have to because if not some of my best friends are just not going to move ahead. I find with closest friends (more so girls) they mistakenly assume you can interpret hidden language especially flirting. That doesn't work for me. I need friends to be far more direct. I mean, if a girl wants to go out for a drink she needs to tell me rather than engage in chase and tease games that always leave me clueless. Sometimes my reaction makes them feel I'm not at all interested but really what it is is I don't know what the social cues and am fine if things are open and direct.

Probably never. My mother and everyone here knows, everyone else can keep guessing. You don't just go up to someone and tell them you're an aspie or autistic because...

1. "WTF is an aspie? Aspen? Ass burgers"
2. You'll be mistaken for and/or treated like someone with an intellectual disability
3. You'll be called a liar, especially when you've overcome the more crippling aspects of it and look "normal"
4. Nobody will likely hear you anyways
<---- 5. You'll be treated as having an intellect on par with this guy and be forced to do abstract college level math on a daily basis

Should I go in a cow pasture and scream it to the world? I don't know, that's my 2 cents.

 

[total-recoil]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

I can make it one-to-one but far less so in a group. I could be very relaxed and make eye contact with a therapist but don't think that means a great deal. If there was group context that would lessen and I'd be a lot quieter.

This is what my doctor wrote in her diagnosis evaluation: "Mr. X responded to the evaluator's greeting and made adequate eye contact but at times his eye contact appeared somewhat forced. He exhibited a restricted range of facial expression."

I think many of us learn to make eye contact because it is what is expected. I have been doing it for a long time and thought I was pretty good at it. But that's the way it is with aspies--it's always a little off, not quite right from a NT perspective.

When do I tell people I am an aspie? Since I am so new in knowing it I have limited experience. I told people on an on-line stock trading forum that I participate in and received almost all positive responses. One person even confided her son was an aspie. I did, however, get two weird responses that were clearly off-base. I quess that is to be expected.

 

[Loomis]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

Originally Posted by shoukori View Post

but I must be very good at faking eye contact, as that's something I cannot do, but when I explain that to my friends, they are surprised. My eyes tend to slide around their face and then off to whatever object we're discussing; I guess it's not obvious I'm avoiding their gaze.
I realised today that when I feel uncomfortable looking directly at someone I stare at there mouth instead-I don't know why that never registered before.Hmmm.

This article may interest you: Looking you in the mouth: abnormal gaze in autism resulting from impaired top-down modulation of visual attention
Quote from the article:
"Our results are consistent with earlier findings that autism subjects are impaired when judging complex social information from the eyes, but not from the mouth (Baron-Cohen, 1995), and that they rely more on information from the mouth for emotional judgments "

 

[Soup]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

That makes sense: the mouth is where the words are coming from, after all. When I'm the one talking, I'll glance at the space between the person's eyes & eyebrows. It appears like I'm looking them in the eyes since it's such a brief glance.

 

[Loomis]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

That makes sense: the mouth is where the words are coming from, after all. When I'm the one talking, I'll glance at the space between the person's eyes & eyebrows. It appears like I'm looking them in the eyes since it's such a brief glance.

Yeah it does make sense but don't expect the researchers to use logic. Scientists are a lot like aspies. I know because I was one (I did grad work in genetics and worked in a molecular genetics lab for one year at UCLA. I published three papers in science journals but never got my PhD.). A lot of them are on the spectrum or very near it. And many have huge egos. Imagine that an Aspie with a huge self-important arrogant attitude. Ha, I prefer NTs to that particular brand of aspie. Fortunately its a very tiny percentage of us. And don't you hate the way these journal articles describe the asd? You would think it is worse than the black death. I will add "impaired top-down modulation of visual attention" to my list of problem behaviors that need fixing.

 

[Soup]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

@Loomis: Kind of makes us sound like defective window shades! Or a person whose fly is open!!!

 

[Christian T]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

The thing is that many people haven't got a clue what Asperger's even is. Telling certain people that you have it is likely to lead to having to launch into a lecture worthy of a psychology professor about what it is & how it affects you- then another lecture about how it affects different people differently (like Arthritis & virtually every chronic condition). THEN comes the explanations that, it is NOT a disease, isn't contagious & that NO we're NOT so-called 'retarded' or genii who can perform complex 'human calculator' type math in seconds. While some of us are gifted in a given area, so are many NTs.

I just find it much more expedient to not explain myself. After all, NTs who trip, slip, say the wrong thing, make a mistake, look unusual & aren't perfect all the time do not ever have to say, "By the way, I'm a NT so sometimes my emotions & my intellect get muddled together & I become illogical."

Curiously, for me, it's actually the exact opposite. If I'm at least acquainted with someone, I much prefer to tell them I'm an aspie and explain how it affects me personally. I've never been required to launch into those sorts of lectures, luckily. For every person I've told, it's added to their understanding, except perhaps my French exchange student who, in a foreign country, was too timid to be very responsive. I'm not sure if he misunderstood completely and just kept nodding to keep me happy, or he understood and accepted it so easily that there was no need for discussion.

Interesting how different how experiences have been, but I think we've both found what's suited us.

Oh, and as for the emotional muddling in neurotypicals, I think that's actually expected so no explanation is required. However, I agree with you that their breakdowns aren't totally different to ours.

 

[Christian T]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

I find with closest friends (more so girls) they mistakenly assume you can interpret hidden language especially flirting. That doesn't work for me. I need friends to be far more direct. I mean, if a girl wants to go out for a drink she needs to tell me rather than engage in chase and tease games that always leave me clueless. Sometimes my reaction makes them feel I'm not at all interested but really what it is is I don't know what the social cues and am fine if things are open and direct.

If I was lucky enough to have a girl flirt with me, I'm sure I'd be just as confused. I hope you've never had the awkward moment of inferring an unintended invitation from their words.

 

[Christian T]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

I can make it one-to-one but far less so in a group. I could be very relaxed and make eye contact with a therapist but don't think that means a great deal. If there was group context that would lessen and I'd be a lot quieter.

Ooh, I no longer have a therapist, but apart from that I'm exactly the same. I normally join my classmates' literal social circle, give a goofy nervous smile, and listen to their conversations for as long without appearing creepy. I wish they'd say hi to me for once - they respond and chat when I say to hi to them, so it's pretty good - but still, a greeting would be nice.

I also get confused by all those multiple sets of eyes, and frantically hop from one to the other very awkwardly.

 

[Cerulean]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

I always watch peoples' mouths while they're speaking, it's just easier to understand that way. And they don't seem to mind that I don't look at their eyes.