When do you tell people you are an aspie?

[rolo]

my second attempt at a new thread-so i will not write much as these seem to be lost!!! Grrrr! when do you tell people you are on the spectrum?-if I like someone i want to be honest from the outset.

 

[King_Oni]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

The thread issue might be because of approval of new members by mods.

When to tell... depends... is it of any relevance? Some people I know for quite a while, they don't know... while others know it way faster. So with that... I understand the "honest" factor, but also calculate in the "why is it relevant?"

 

[rolo]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

good question-if my last thread had made its merry way onto the page said question might have been answered. I suppose it's about identity-I lost mine for many years in fact I am not even sure I had one- since diagnosis i have been learning about myself and letting go of stuff-why is it relevant is a very good point indeed-perhaps i shall think about it for a while-thanks!

 

[2010Dolby]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

The only people know that I'm an Aspie are you guys and a few of my family members. Probably the only people that will know, too.

 

[buckyboy14]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

I'm actually very open about it; I want people to know that there's a reason that I act the way I do, and that I'm not just trying to act "weird." So I'll often tell people I'm going to be around a lot (e.g. schoolmates) shortly after I meet them and talk to them a bit.

 

[Arashi222]

To be honest it truely depends for me. I usually tell people that I want to get close to sometimes. Unless I have a really valid reason not to like extreme fear of rejection based on said facts. But it also depends on the setting. Who is it and why. Like my co-workers some of them know and some of them don't. But I made a choice to tell them or not. My friends it depends are they good friends or just people. Where did I meet them and why all goes into why I tell or don't. My family knows, my close friends know. But other than that is on a case by case basis.

 

[Geordie]

I won't say I'm an Aspie, even though I risk being 'outed' and misunderstood.

In my country, Asperger's is not a disability or difference, it is seen as a disease that needs to be treated. But we know Asperger's is still something which can only be controlled, not eliminated, at the time being.

So let others do their mudsliding or accusations. I don't care. They just nitpick at what I am not. Just signs of fanatical mania to be the 'chosen ones' to get opportunities. Well, I have to accept my limitations, don't I?

I only say my conditions when others read through the DSM-IV or similar definitions (through experience and all that), tried their best to understand those words or had experienced the good hope in Aspies, and they are actually making the effort to understand us as much as I try to understand them, then why not share with them not just about Asperger's, but also what I am truly and fully.

 

[Christian T]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

I'm actually very open about it; I want people to know that there's a reason that I act the way I do, and that I'm not just trying to act "weird." So I'll often tell people I'm going to be around a lot (e.g. schoolmates) shortly after I meet them and talk to them a bit.

Yep, I'm that way as well. I just don't see the point of concealing it - they're going to see the traits anyway, so why not make it clearer for them? Just about everyone in my year level knows, and me casually mentioning it makes things much more comfortable. I think it's beneficial in every respect because the mature people develop an understanding and an acceptance of it, and the others are too scared to be anything but angelic towards me because I'm "diseased". It actually staves off bullying.

 

[total-recoil]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

I'm a bit irritated with one of my friends over this. I told her about a month ago I'm pretty sure I'm aspie. I've known since I was about 7 years old I was very different and have carefully researched the symptoms. I did basic computer tests and got a strong positive for aspergers although, yes, it's true I haven't yet made a step towards getting any official recognition (although I did see two psychologists in the eighties (before aspergers was made more recognised).
Anyway, it came up in conversation and there was a guy who said, "Well, you don't have aspergers because you just seem a bit eccentric or weird but you don't exhibit autism." My female friend then said, "Well, you can't have it if you haven't seen a qualified doctor!"
So, it just seems as if my friends seem to want me to fit some kind of stereotype they have in mind. They don't seem to understand that you may appear to be joking or talking everyday as if all is well but my experience is Asperger syndrome is very subtle in nature and collectively the symptoms add up to make life quite difficult for the individual.
Funnily enough, my friends at this time seem to be giving me a hard time which ironically in itself is one more subtle symptom. Their failure to understand leads to a degree of lack of empathy or subtle rejection which strains the friendship. I also, of course, struggle to know how much information I ought to disclose and how to express myself within certain finite limits.
Also, my family has very often rejected me due to aspergers. My brother hasn't spoken to me for a while as he's unable to understand how come I function outside of the classroom (I currently whiz ahead with electronics by myself with books and research done on the net). To my family and friends I sometimes appear to be a know-all and a bit arrogant which isn't really the case.
To be honest, as I think about it, nearly all my relationships break down the deeper they get but in some cases it might have helped if my friends had understood what aspergers is and how subtle it is.
I try to tell them but it's complicated and wonder if there well be ever an answer to it all.

I'm actually very open about it; I want people to know that there's a reason that I act the way I do, and that I'm not just trying to act "weird." So I'll often tell people I'm going to be around a lot (e.g. schoolmates) shortly after I meet them and talk to them a bit.

 

[total-recoil]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

The main symptom some friends have noticed (and I don't know how typical this is) is that I apparently I don't connect with the person I talk to. Apparently at given times, I've actually been talking to a friend while walking away or around them. In one case I caused offence by turning around and chatting away as normal. Like pacing. Now I'm aware of it I think I can check myself but one friend told me the first time I did it she thought I wasn't quite normal.
I don't know if they believe me about aspergers but I really have read as much as I can on it and identify strongly with 90 per cent of the symptoms. I think actually I will pop in to see my doc today as I'm passing by and see if I can get to see a specialist who can confirm my belief I do have it which may finally satisfy my friends and then who knows?

Yep, I'm that way as well. I just don't see the point of concealing it - they're going to see the traits anyway, so why not make it clearer for them? Just about everyone in my year level knows, and me casually mentioning it makes things much more comfortable. I think it's beneficial in every respect because the mature people develop an understanding and an acceptance of it, and the others are too scared to be anything but angelic towards me because I'm "diseased". It actually staves off bullying.

 

[Bay]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

I have had the relationship experiences you are talking about, as well as the reactions when I first told family and friends about my suspicions of Asperger Syndrome. It is hard for others who have known you for some time to accept it, because it means they must see you in a different light. Denial of the condition is common, I have found. Every single family member who I told about it insisted that I was mistaken and, even after diagnosis, continue to point out the ways in which it must not be true (to their minds). It makes it hard for you, yes, but it is a bit hard for them as well. While we deal with all of this on a daily basis from our own perspective, it impacts other people who care about us, too.

 

[total-recoil]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

I decided that I wouldn't get bogged down with definitions but focus on the positive. That means now I'm often up till 3.00 a.m. studying electronics which has become pretty dominant in my life lately. I like to channel thought into something creative as opposed to the normal routine of thinking about relationships, money, T.V. and so on. I always feel great if I crack something I couldn't figure out for ages.
I treat aspergers in the same way now. I approach it clinically. What does it means for me personally? What are my strengths through it? How can I find ways to make people understand everybody is different in some way?
I guess you could say it still makes me a bit angry though. I mean, you just try to be honest with yourself and look things in the eye so you can move forwards. It doesn't help when friends go into denial. They've never cried over this issue or struggled to fit in but are just accepted by the crowd. They're my friends and I want to keep it that way but sometimes they don't help.
As for telling my GP I did a post on that. I think now I can kind of laugh about it. His reaction was after all funny but at leat he did refer me and the next professional I confide in may be a bit more analytical and open.
Thanks for the support.

I have had the relationship experiences you are talking about, as well as the reactions when I first told family and friends about my suspicions of Asperger Syndrome. It is hard for others who have known you for some time to accept it, because it means they must see you in a different light. Denial of the condition is common, I have found. Every single family member who I told about it insisted that I was mistaken and, even after diagnosis, continue to point out the ways in which it must not be true (to their minds). It makes it hard for you, yes, but it is a bit hard for them as well. While we deal with all of this on a daily basis from our own perspective, it impacts other people who care about us, too.

 

[smith2267]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

Right away. They are going to notice that there is something strange about me, and it's better if they know what it is.

 

[total-recoil]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

At the moment I don't think either way is helping. Friends I have told are lately giving me the very cold shoulder although not because I confided I have aspergers. Just the usual misinterpretations of my behaviour and vice versa. I find that happens a lot. As friendships develop, more is expected and at some point friends can suddenly become irritated by your "not saying the right thing" at the right time. Or not responding the way you'd be expected to respond.
I'm afraid what I keep experiencing after telling people about aspergers is they somehow assume there should be something far more obvious. The term "autism" suggests something to them that should be blatantly evident. I have felt those vibes very strongly both from the G.P. I saw and friends. I confess it then confused me so I took to wtaching asperger people talking about themselves on YouTube and guess what I found? Nothing particularly self-evident. Just seemingly, normal, articulate, relatively happy people who have families, a few friends, interests and ideas. That came as a strong relief because it's now clear to me the general public have no idea whatsoever of what high autism is and how subtle it can be.
Another thing that definitely gets up my nose a bit is if they say, "Well, maybe you have a very mild form of it!" The Doctor also said those exact words. What escapes them is the individual who one day seems to be chatting away quite happily might another day have retreated on his or her own to cry over acceptance issues, or issues of being different.
So, be careful, guys. There does need to be far more understanding of aspergers and I fear we will be very often misunderstood.

Right away. They are going to notice that there is something strange about me, and it's better if they know what it is.

 

[rolo]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

King_oni So with that... I understand the "honest" factor, but also calculate in the "why is it relevant?" had some thoughts on as to why i feel the need to tell certain people-some its easier to tell-you try and educate them and hope they will go away with a new found knowledge and then come back to you...hmm hope eternal-Family,for me has been a trickier one- I wanted them to realise that I was not being deliberately obstructive,opinionated,arrogant,selfish,self centered, or attention seeking(these are just a few of the comments family members have made about me)-the problem with others is that they immediately think you are retarded-their ignorance entirely- but they make excuses not to contact again-so telling someone always has consequences-sometimes the need to justify ones existence and character is either due to insecurity or a need to fight ones corner.

 

[Christian T]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

You're exactly right, total-recoil, the subtleties are very hard for people to comprehend. And rolo, I must say that my family does sometimesuse those same words to describe me, but I think generally they do have a very good understanding of my asperger's, and they really only say those things to me when they're at their most exasperated. I think I'm very lucky to have such wonderful parents, and I hope all of you are finding it much more difficult than I am to get that understanding from your family will find it easier. I always think of it as a two-way street: you have to understand them, but they have to understand you too.

 

[total-recoil]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

I have a female friend who clearly finds me very very odd. Well, I suspect she does but so do most of my friends. Anyway, a few days ago I took a deep breath and told her, "I'm sure I have aspergers syndrome." Then I explained the basics of it and asked her what she thought. She said the thing that struck her as most bizarre (and very irritating) was the way I dominate a conversation. Also I apparently walk around as I'm talking to her, sometimes looking in another direction but still chatting. Well, I don't do that as much now as I started to try and modify it.
One thing they all find odd is my best friend is a German Shepherd dog. I adore dogs and am always studying while he's at my side playing with his ball. They also find it weird I talk to him as if a person but so did lieutenant Columbo.

King_oni So with that... I understand the "honest" factor, but also calculate in the "why is it relevant?" had some thoughts on as to why i feel the need to tell certain people-some its easier to tell-you try and educate them and hope they will go away with a new found knowledge and then come back to you...hmm hope eternal-Family,for me has been a trickier one- I wanted them to realise that I was not being deliberately obstructive,opinionated,arrogant,selfish,self centered, or attention seeking(these are just a few of the comments family members have made about me)-the problem with others is that they immediately think you are retarded-their ignorance entirely- but they make excuses not to contact again-so telling someone always has consequences-sometimes the need to justify ones existence and character is either due to insecurity or a need to fight ones corner.

 

[Christian T]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

I have a female friend who clearly finds me very very odd. Well, I suspect she does but so do most of my friends. Anyway, a few days ago I took a deep breath and told her, "I'm sure I have aspergers syndrome." Then I explained the basics of it and asked her what she thought. She said the thing that struck her as most bizarre (and very irritating) was the way I dominate a conversation. Also I apparently walk around as I'm talking to her, sometimes looking in another direction but still chatting. Well, I don't do that as much now as I started to try and modify it.
One thing they all find odd is my best friend is a German Shepherd dog. I adore dogs and am always studying while he's at my side playing with his ball. They also find it weird I talk to him as if a person but so did lieutenant Columbo.

I must say that it's curious they think you dominate a conversation - I'm the exact opposite. Still, I suppose she took it well and sensibly.

One of my best friends has always been my sweet, loyal little brown rabbit who always licks me and lets me pat him. He's not the best friend, but I still place him on the same level as my human friends.

 

[shoukori]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

I have only recently discovered I had it and begun to tell people. A couple friends were like "well you seem OK with yourself so whatever', which is fine. One friend has some odd tendencies herself and we actually enjoy having long conversations about our psychological oddities. She accepts me quite well even though she's a newer friend. One very good friend (who has a relative who is strongly on the spectrum) pretty much denied it. Said something like "well it seems to me that most people act like that". That reaction disappointed me the most, but I'm glad to see others get the same reaction from friends. I haven't gotten the courage up to tell my mother yet, but I often wonder if she suspects. Just the other day I yelled at her pretty abruptly for touching me unexpectedly.

I have pretty good control in social situations even though they do cause me some anxiety. I actually teach others in a specialized way for a living, and I do that pretty well, but I must be very good at faking eye contact, as that's something I cannot do, but when I explain that to my friends, they are surprised. My eyes tend to slide around their face and then off to whatever object we're discussing; I guess it's not obvious I'm avoiding their gaze. The hardest thing has been that my one friend tells me I'm her nicest friend, I was so nice to her when she was down, etc. I really can't explain to her that most of the things I said were because I know I'm "supposed to" ask about those things, and that I don't have any real empathy towards that particular situation, even though I do care about her and enjoy her company...

ETA: on rereading I realize I didn't really address the OP, I am still in the process of telling people I already know well, I will probably not tell most people I meet unless I expect them to be close to me, or they seem to notice an odd habit of mine...

 

[Cerulean]

Re: when to tell people you are an aspie

My husband is the only person I've told. We were having a big fight and I knew it was from my AS behaviors that I couldn't help, so when we were doing our separate cooling downs I went online and found an article that was written from an NT perspective on how to argue/communicate with an Aspie. I printed it out for him, and it's changed the way we communicate for the better.

My family has known me long enough that they already have their opinions of my weirdness, I don't feel the need to bring it up with them. Same with my friends.