Visiting other people's homes

[Icequeen]

So, that being said, my question is this:
How did you feel comfortable enough to live with someone to start with?
Those who speak of visiting children and grandchildren must have started with living with someone
at the beginning. Partner/husband/wife.
It's something I never felt or could understand.

Time, lots and lots of time.

...and that being said truth is I'm never at 100% until I'm home alone. With my son it's close, but he's ADHD also, so it's still tough some days.

I didn't leave home until around 30, and then I bounced back a couple of times.

 

[2205]

Now I am either lonely and depressed alone or uncomfortable living with someone else as I am doing currently.

I’m almost half your age but I feel just like you described. From age 16-28 I had to share my living space with parents, brother, flat mates, even roommate once and all I dreamt of was being able to live alone. As I started working and was able to rent an apartment for myself, I soon realized that I feel lonely. Now recently I adopted a puppy and it has made much difference. She’s my best friend and therapist

 

[2205]

I never knew so many people feel like this. I too feel like being in prison when visiting someone. When offered food, I feel being force fed.

Recently I brought this up with my therapist. When I said the reason I feel uncomfortable is that I feel like people expect me to act in certain way (socially appropriate), but she said that it’s in my head and that I don’t have to do anything I don’t like. I feel like people not on the spectrum never get it. We always have to act in certain way and never can be as we like. If we acted as we liked, we wouldn’t have no one to ask for a couch when needed. No one but our mothers maybe would accept us as we naturally are.

 

[OkRad]

This is something I have such a problem with. I always have but never knew why before my diagnosis. But my brother especially. He lives in Arizona and has even offered to pay for my ticket to fly out and visit him and his wife. I'm not even comfortable around them in my own setting.

But when I have to stay with someone (even one of my kids) it's soooo hard. They don't have the kinds of food on hand that I eat. They watch things on tv that I have no interest in. I don't feel free enough to even walk across the room to get something to drink. I even have a hard time making myself move enough to get up and go to the bathroom. My younger son has a tendency to stand at his counter when I stop by and talk so I don't feel free to sit and my back hurts so bad by the time I leave. Any other person's home I feel like I'm in prison having to go by their schedule and their whatever. And I never know how to leave.

I have spent a week with my daughters after they've had a baby and I help. I'm not comfortable but I do it for them. When I was living in Ga and knew it'd be a month before I got back it was really hard to say goodbye. I start getting tearful just thinking about having to leave them and when I got to that point it wasn't going to go away so I'd just have to go ahead and leave. I preferred leaving before anyone got up and then spend the following week at home crying about it.

But as hard as it always was and is leaving my kids, it's hard staying with them. They want me there and make sure I know how appreciated I am, but I just can't get comfortable. I hate that about myself.

N-I-G-H-T-M-A-R-E. Pure and simple nightmare, usually. I have so many sensory issues, it's not possible. I do have an emergency bag with the staples. However, there are those who understand and then , it is much easier! I had to stay with a friend recently, and she understood all about the sensory issues and I was so touched and honoured to be there. Totally different experience. I was accepted If someone accept it and understands, it changes the entire experience.

 

[BraidedPony]

Not only are there the sensory issues to deal with but the unknowing of social expectations.
If I may rant a moment....
Why in the world would you invite me over and blare the darn TV? I cannot hear you over the noise! Am I really that good at hiding my anxiety that you don’t notice I’m shrinking into the chair? YOU, the NT, are the ones that are supposed to be so empathetic and and be able to read body language!
Rant over....
The social issues are all on me. There is a bathroom, it’s up to me to just walk over and use it. But I can’t. I’d like something to eat or drink but I say no thank you because I don’t want to be any bother. I don’t drink alcohol nor diet soda but that is usually all there is. I don’t drink tap water either because I fear contaminants.
Here is what I do when I just have to visit someone. I bring my own water so I will have something to drink and also something to hold and fiddle with. Then ask to use the bathroom as soon as I arrive because I’m already standing up and once I’ve gone, it is easier to go again.
I bring my iPad, so if I start to feel overwhelmed I can focus on my favorite websites. This I do even though I know it is probably considered rude, but I tell myself its better to be a little rude than lose my mind.
Oh, and I take valiums. I take a half and discretly let it disolve under my tongue. It doesn’t taste good but tastes better than panic.
This is the time of year I begin to get anxious because the holidays are coming up and everyone in the world (it seems) are looking forward to being with family! Good grief!

 

[Nervous Rex]

I usually opt for a nearby hotel when visiting out of town family or friends.

This.

This isn't just an ASD thing. My wife is NT and she's the one that decided she was fed up with trying to follow someone else's schedules, meal plans, and travel restrictions when we visit them. So now, when we visit someone in another state, we usually stay in a nearby hotel and rent a car (if we didn't drive). That way, we are in control of when we go to sleep, when we get up, and where we can go.

I think it's easier on the people we visit, too. They don't have to spend as much time and energy catering to us, feeding and entertaining us, etc.

 

[Pats]

It's been this way for me all my life and I never knew either that I wasn't alone in feeling this way until
I got my diagnosis at age 58.
As I started reading the traits and joined this forum, I found others feel the same and especially for those with ASD. Nts may feel it too, but, not to the extent we do.

I never cared for sleep overs with other kids growing up.
It has always been very uncomfortable to have others in my space or for me to be staying in their space.
Thus another reason I lived with my parents all my life.
I was comfortable.

Now I am either lonely and depressed alone or uncomfortable living with someone else as I am doing currently.
I live with this uncomfortableness everyone is speaking of everyday now.
Home is a feeling I can't go to anymore.

So, that being said, my question is this:
How did you feel comfortable enough to live with someone to start with?
Those who speak of visiting children and grandchildren must have started with living with someone
at the beginning. Partner/husband/wife.
It's something I never felt or could understand.

Any insight into how to do this would be appreciated as I feel I will always feel this being in prison
discomfort with anyone I live with.

When I was 16 my parents made me get married. I didn't want to but being ASD (which was not known then) I didn't know how to fight it. I remember at that age I didn't even feel like I could walk outside to the porch without permission and that husband controlled me and kept me home with my son while he was out drinking and running around every night. My parents would tell me he was my cross to bear but I got to where I couldn't bear it anymore and I kicked him out. Financially I'm not sure how we managed with my salary of $875/month but I loved my job and was happy with it just being me and my son. I didn't have friends and was more than a days drive from all my family and my ex since he moved back home. After a few years I met and fell in love with J and I can still say he will always be the love of my life. He drove a truck so he wasn't home much at all. We moved around a lot - lived in upper Michigan, Indiana, New York state, Texas, Montana a few different times, Utah, Alaska. It was perfect for me. We had babies and it was me and my babies. Only one place did I make any friends and that was in Bozeman, Mt. When he WAS home it was hard - I was a fumbling mess, dropping everything (including eggs) and just didn't know what to do. I never knew why, as much as I loved him and he was good to me, but when he was home I was lost. When he was on the road he called 3-4 times a day (which now I know why - and it was long distances charges at the time and pay phones). My family didn't even know where I was so they couldn't even call me. I would call my mom maybe once a month. Well, some things happened and I learned that he was a con artist (the reason for moving so much) and wanted by several states plus the FBI and when I was dealing with the FBI, who had all my journals, having to spend day after day for a month telling my story to them, in the process I learned that he was gay. I loved him but I couldn't live with the risks for me or my children so I had no choice but to leave and went back to NC and stayed with my mom for a while. J never helped financially with the kids and I never tried to make him because I knew he knew how to disappear. He visited about every 2-3 years and would stay with us over night, so the kids never really spent time with him. But he is fun to spend time with and, as a matter of fact, he's coming in this week and he will take us all out to eat. Maybe that's still the kind of relationship I need and nothing more. lol I did remarry after my kids were grown and he was a narcissist and would just come in and start yelling at me for no reason. At night he would literally pull my hair real hard to wake me up pretending it was an accident - he just resented when I was asleep and he wasn't - no reason for wanting me to wake up. Anyhow I got to where I couldn't function so ended up leaving.
Now I have an apartment in my oldest son's basement. Have my own entry, my own space and constantly changing things around and doing what ever I want with it - slowly turned it from a garage basement into a really cute apartment. But he and his family are upstairs should I need anything at my age and my daughter in law comes down at least once a day so I know if something happens I won't be laying there for days before someone finds me. An ideal situation here.

 

[Pats]

Not only are there the sensory issues to deal with but the unknowing of social expectations.
If I may rant a moment....
Why in the world would you invite me over and blare the darn TV? I cannot hear you over the noise! Am I really that good at hiding my anxiety that you don’t notice I’m shrinking into the chair? YOU, the NT, are the ones that are supposed to be so empathetic and and be able to read body language!
Rant over....
The social issues are all on me. There is a bathroom, it’s up to me to just walk over and use it. But I can’t. I’d like something to eat or drink but I say no thank you because I don’t want to be any bother. I don’t drink alcohol nor diet soda but that is usually all there is. I don’t drink tap water either because I fear contaminants.
Here is what I do when I just have to visit someone. I bring my own water so I will have something to drink and also something to hold and fiddle with. Then ask to use the bathroom as soon as I arrive because I’m already standing up and once I’ve gone, it is easier to go again.
I bring my iPad, so if I start to feel overwhelmed I can focus on my favorite websites. This I do even though I know it is probably considered rude, but I tell myself its better to be a little rude than lose my mind.
Oh, and I take valiums. I take a half and discretly let it disolve under my tongue. It doesn’t taste good but tastes better than panic.
This is the time of year I begin to get anxious because the holidays are coming up and everyone in the world (it seems) are looking forward to being with family! Good grief!

I love your rant and totally agree. I actually laughed out loud when I read your response because it's sooo me. I do bring my own drinks wherever I go because all I drink is Diet Dr Pepper. And no one ever asks what you might want to watch on tv - I've had to sit there and watch the grammy awards and sports - both of which I hate.

 

[Pats]

hey, why don't you stay in a hotel? You can find some reason without hurting feelings why it is necessary surely.

I have done that when I had the extra money. But if I did this to some people it would actually be very insulting to them. IE When my sister used to talk me into coming there - there is where she expected me to be. When we've had a sister weekend, the things is that we meet at whomever's home and spend the weekend together. I get laughed at because I am so uncomfortable at times I just sleep in my clothes and we end up making jokes about it - I join in. Eating breakfast one morning we were talking about what we were going to do and I said, "well, I'm dressed and ready." They have gotten mad at me before though when they want to do something like go get a pedicure together. I tell them to go and I will sit with them but no, I'm not doing that. So they don't do it and mad at me for ruining their fun.
Oh and I just won't go to my brothers. I just keep saying naw, maybe another time.

 

[Pats]

I have a lot of the same problems, but the biggest challenge for me is sleeping in someone else's house. I'd rather pitch a tent in their back yard haha. It is seriously near to impossible to sleep at someone else's house.

Again - laughing here. Because my daughter had an old motorhome that didn't run and never used and I started sleeping out there.

 

[GrownupGirl]

I can't remember the last time I visited another person's house other than my parents. Seeing other people's houses can be pretty interesting because I can snoop around a bit while the other guests are sitting around mindlessly chattering, and see what things show me what their interests or hobbies are, such as pictures or ornaments.

 

[Pats]

I can't remember the last time I visited another person's house other than my parents. Seeing other people's houses can be pretty interesting because I can snoop around a bit while the other guests are sitting around mindlessly chattering, and see what things show me what their interests or hobbies are, such as pictures or ornaments.

I do tend to look at things sitting around more than the people - just in general.

 

[LearnedCoward]

When I was 16 my parents made me get married. I didn't want to but being ASD (which was not known then) I didn't know how to fight it. I remember at that age I didn't even feel like I could walk outside to the porch without permission and that husband controlled me and kept me home with my son while he was out drinking and running around every night. My parents would tell me he was my cross to bear but I got to where I couldn't bear it anymore and I kicked him out. Financially I'm not sure how we managed with my salary of $875/month but I loved my job and was happy with it just being me and my son. I didn't have friends and was more than a days drive from all my family and my ex since he moved back home. After a few years I met and fell in love with J and I can still say he will always be the love of my life. He drove a truck so he wasn't home much at all. We moved around a lot - lived in upper Michigan, Indiana, New York state, Texas, Montana a few different times, Utah, Alaska. It was perfect for me. We had babies and it was me and my babies. Only one place did I make any friends and that was in Bozeman, Mt. When he WAS home it was hard - I was a fumbling mess, dropping everything (including eggs) and just didn't know what to do. I never knew why, as much as I loved him and he was good to me, but when he was home I was lost. When he was on the road he called 3-4 times a day (which now I know why - and it was long distances charges at the time and pay phones). My family didn't even know where I was so they couldn't even call me. I would call my mom maybe once a month. Well, some things happened and I learned that he was a con artist (the reason for moving so much) and wanted by several states plus the FBI and when I was dealing with the FBI, who had all my journals, having to spend day after day for a month telling my story to them, in the process I learned that he was gay. I loved him but I couldn't live with the risks for me or my children so I had no choice but to leave and went back to NC and stayed with my mom for a while. J never helped financially with the kids and I never tried to make him because I knew he knew how to disappear. He visited about every 2-3 years and would stay with us over night, so the kids never really spent time with him. But he is fun to spend time with and, as a matter of fact, he's coming in this week and he will take us all out to eat. Maybe that's still the kind of relationship I need and nothing more. lol I did remarry after my kids were grown and he was a narcissist and would just come in and start yelling at me for no reason. At night he would literally pull my hair real hard to wake me up pretending it was an accident - he just resented when I was asleep and he wasn't - no reason for wanting me to wake up. Anyhow I got to where I couldn't function so ended up leaving.
Now I have an apartment in my oldest son's basement. Have my own entry, my own space and constantly changing things around and doing what ever I want with it - slowly turned it from a garage basement into a really cute apartment. But he and his family are upstairs should I need anything at my age and my daughter in law comes down at least once a day so I know if something happens I won't be laying there for days before someone finds me. An ideal situation here.

That is horrific. I'm so sorry you've had to go through that. I hope things are better for you now.

 

[Pats]

That is horrific. I'm so sorry you've had to go through that. I hope things are better for you now.

Much better - like I said, I am now in an ideal situation of having my own place with my son and his family right upstairs if I need them.

 

[GrownupGirl]

I'm amazed that the OP spent a whole week at a house where someone has a baby, even if it's their daughter's baby and they're helping out. Just being in a room with a baby makes me uneasy, even if they're not screeching or anything.

My parents have done pretty much everything they could to make my staying over at their house as peaceful and comfortable as possible. It helps that we have a basement with a TV and a spare bedroom. But then I get bored because there's not as much do to as there is at my apartment. I don't have my cats with me. There's nowhere outside of the house I can really go without being driven there. But I want to complain to my parents because they are letting me stay at their house, eat their food, use their hot water, and all they ask for in return is my thanks.

Of course, if I stayed at another person's house, which I haven't done in forever, they wouldn't likely have it so Aspie-friendly. And then they'd be bewildered when I start curling up into a ball with my hands over my ears because their TV is on all the time, is turned up high so they can hear it from another room, and the sound is mostly of machine guns and people getting horribly killed.