Totally Rejected

[UniqueChic]

My brother was supposed to be an only child. I was an accident and they sure let me know it. No matter how hard I try to love my mother & father (divorced), they still reject my love. Am I so despicable and detestable that I even my own parents don't want me in their lives? I really don't understand what I have done. I use to be a thoughtful, giving and polite young girl and I have become an isolated woman who has lost her drive. And coping with Aspergers & PTSD, as well. I don't have anyone who understands autism and I get so frustrated with hundreds of links to go check out and keep up with coping mechanisms that I should have learned by now.

 

[Judge]

For some of us, isolation IS a coping mechanism. Would it be so "wrong" if it works for you in whole or in part?

 

[UniqueChic]

Judge, Isolation is my ONLY coping mechanism. Are there others I should know about?

 

[Judge]

Judge, Isolation is my ONLY coping mechanism. Are there others I should know about?

Maybe. But a common dynamic applies to all of them. They're only good if they actually work for you. A big one for me is that I try to take one day at a time. To not look beyond my own horizon if and when possible more than 24 hours at a time. Keeps life from getting overwhelming at times.

 

[Mia]

No matter how hard I try to love my mother & father (divorced), they still reject my love. Am I so despicable and detestable that I even my own parents don't want me in their lives? I really don't understand what I have done.

You've not done anything wrong, and there are things you need to know and understand about your upbringing and yourself. There are many reasons parents don't love a child, it's more common than you might think. Some of them might be that you remind them of themselves when young, before life took over and changed them. You might look like one of their parents, or have certain ways of talking or doing things that remind of that parent that they didn't get along with, or did not like.

They might be unable to love their child, because they grew up un-cared for themselves. So what they saw and experienced seemed normal to them. Perhaps females or males were treated differently in their families and that became their method in raising children. There are so many reasons why parents treat their children in such a way, and they damage them from the very beginning. You're lucky you survived, but often unknowingly they pick the strongest child as their scapegoat. The one who knows early on, that there is something 'not quite right' with the family.

Scapegoating is not unusual in fragmented families, where one or both parents have difficulties that they'll never understand about themselves. But the one thing you have to work towards and understand is that it could have been anyone, it was not about you, although it feels like that. Your treatment by your family, had to do with them, what they saw, what they wanted, how they perceived you. It isn't who you are, it's who they think you are and it says nothing about you as a real person. They don't really know you, didn't try to understand you, which was their mistake, an error of judgement, not yours.

You are going to need to do things for yourself, (as if you haven't done that all along) to discover that lost child, the one inside that's hurting and alone. You'll need to bring that lost child out into the light, in whatever way you can. Then you'll become a loving parent to that child who is really you from long ago, the way all children should be loved. It's a long journey and your faith will help you along the way. http://www.vachss.com/av_dispatches/disp_9408_a.html

 

[UniqueChic]

You've not done anything wrong, and there are things you need to know and understand about your upbringing and yourself. There are many reasons parents don't love a child, it's more common than you might think. Some of them might be that you remind them of themselves when young, before life took over and changed them. You might look like one of their parents, or have certain ways of talking or doing things that remind of that parent that they didn't get along with, or did not like.

They might be unable to love their child, because they grew up un-cared for themselves. So what they saw and experienced seemed normal to them. Perhaps females or males were treated differently in their families and that became their method in raising children. There are so many reasons why parents treat their children in such a way, and they damage them from the very beginning. You're lucky you survived, but often unknowingly they pick the strongest child as their scapegoat. The one who knows early on, that there is something 'not quite right' with the family.

Scapegoating is not unusual in fragmented families, where one or both parents have difficulties that they'll never understand about themselves. But the one thing you have to work towards and understand is that it could have been anyone, it was not about you, although it feels like that. Your treatment by your family, had to do with them, what they saw, what they wanted, how they perceived you. It isn't who you are, it's who they think you are and it says nothing about you as a real person. They don't really know you, and they never understood you, and that was their mistake, their error of judgement, not yours.

You are going to need to do things for yourself, (as if you haven't done that all along) to discover that lost child, the one inside that's hurting and alone. You'll need to bring that lost child out into the light, in whatever way you can. Then you'll become a loving parent to that child who is really you from long ago, the way all children should be loved. It's a long journey and your faith will help. http://www.vachss.com/av_dispatches/disp_9408_a.html

Thank you, Mia. I am discovering that I am perfectly imperfect and I am fine with that. I love being a fur baby momma (3 cats & 2 dogs & 1 betta fish), but I have a hard time making friends because I wear this invisible, but apparent "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck, lol.

 

[clg114]

Thank you, Mia. I am discovering that I am perfectly imperfect and I am fine with that. I love being a fur baby momma (3 cats & 2 dogs & 1 betta fish), but I have a hard time making friends because I wear this invisible, but apparent "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck, lol.

Like Warmheart says, "It is better to be a nerd, than one of the herd". That difference is what puts "most people" off and makes it hard to make friends. It has been my experience that it just does not work out trying to be someone that you are not just to fit in. Just be yourself, there are people out there who will be your friend and more. This forum proves that. The people who do not want to be your friend because you are different, are not the people you want for friends.

I can identify with you being a "fur baby momma", my wife and I have five Chihuahuas and a hedgehog. They are indeed, our babies.

 

[watersprite]

UniqueChic all the kind and wise words above I wholeheartedly agree with. Just that.

 

[Tom]

I don't think its useful to continue trying with people who reject you. Their problem. Let it (them) go. Maybe they will change their tune some day, and then you can see. Isolating is like building walls to protect and keep people/stresses out but also a self imposed house arrest. Better I think to keep some level of involvement with others.

 

[UniqueChic]

I don't think its useful to continue trying with people who reject you. Their problem. Let it (them) go. Maybe they will change their tune some day, and then you can see. Isolating is like building walls to protect and keep people/stresses out but also a self imposed house arrest. Better I think to keep some level of involvement with others.

Indeed, i have built a wall, after abusive boyfriend and hatred endured by my own family. I don't want to cry anymore. Thanks for your input and I will eventually come out of my shell, when I feel ready. Have a wonderful day, Tom.

 

[NotStrangeJustDifferent]

The way your situation sounds to me, UniqueChic, I wouldn't be trying to figure out what's wrong with you that causes your parents to treat you so poorly, I would be trying to figure out what's wrong with them. There's obviously something drastically wrong with their attitude and behavior towards you, and you're definitely not the one who's causing it. That's just my observation from the information in your original post. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with such a terrible and painful situation. I know I have a bad habit of saying things plainly, so if my comment is out of line please forgive me and disregard this post. Oh, and my current babies are about 10 cats and 2 Muscovy ducks, and I love them all (and they love me, for which I'm very grateful).

 

[CeasarKungPow]

You probably have coping mechanisms that you're unaware of. I have visualisation techniques that I apply when the brain acts up...

 

[Catlover614]

The way your situation sounds to me, UniqueChic, I wouldn't be trying to figure out what's wrong with you that causes your parents to treat you so poorly, I would be trying to figure out what's wrong with them. There's obviously something drastically wrong with their attitude and behavior towards you, and you're definitely not the one who's causing it. That's just my observation from the information in your original post. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with such a terrible and painful situation. I know I have a bad habit of saying things plainly, so if my comment is out of line please forgive me and disregard this post. Oh, and my current babies are about 10 cats and 2 Muscovy ducks, and I love them all (and they love me, for which I'm very grateful).

NotStrangeJustDifferent, I prefer people to speak plainly so there's no need for you to apologize, however I appreciate your kindness. I don't like figures of speech; I don't want to read between the lines. I am tired of trying to figure out what is wrong with me and why my parents don't accept me as part of the family. I have to deal with the loss and move on.

 

[Catlover614]

By the way, I'm no longer UniqueChic. I am Catlover614 because I forgot my password and had to start all over with new account.

 

[CeasarKungPow]

Having walls up is ok. Just start by making a small Window to see through. I've just started doing that four years after my marriage ended. I know a lot of it was my fault. I don't see myself going through all of that again. The downer was just too much.
Keep your chin up.

 

[garnetflower13]

I was the scapegoat in a very dysfunctional family. It wasn't until I was an adult that a psychologist that I was seeing figured out from my history that my mother suffered from Borderline issues, and my father may well have been on the Spectrum. Both my parents have passed away, and I feel pretty much at peace with them now, and able to if not forgive, then to understand why they were that way. I can now move on!

 

[Liambruno]

I had a long and pedantic reply written out, and I decided it's probably not very helpful. Catlover614 (FKA UniqueChic), you've got a crappy situation, and I seriously doubt that there's actually anything wrong with you. You're an aspie with PTSD. You're playing life in "nightmare" mode (that's the one above "hard" in Doom), and I have no idea what kind of issues could be lurking under the surface in your family. So yeah, you're being mistreated and have done nothing to deserve it. "Scapegoating" is an apt metaphor, in my opinion.

I wouldn't dream of playing therapist here and trying to fix your troubles. I would like to suggest that may still be the thoughtful, giving, and polite person you used to be. It's easy to feel like you've changed permanently when you've been hurt a lot. I'd also like to suggest that there's nothing to figure out here--not with you, not with your family. Accepting and allowing inescapable realities goes a long way toward healing. I hope that is of some help.

 

[paloftoon]

If you can afford to, or as soon as you can, move out and live independently Rent an apartment. Try to make connections from work if possible and social groups- use meetup.com if possible.

 

[Adora]

As someone who also comes from a dysfunctional family I feel for you.i also went through years when my alcholic father would hurl abuse at
me as a teenager and when i was 14 years old he told me that it was all my fault for the family problems,I wasn't alone in the abuse though my second oldest brother who is also on the spectrum was abused both mentally and physically by my father,I am married now but find that besides the company of my husband,brother and my dog I really like to keep to myself and though it seems like I should let more people in I remember the saying "better to be alone than have bad company".

 

[Mary Terry]

I'm the middle aged scapegoat of an extremely narcissistic father. Our family is rife with narcissistic personality disorder which is a mental illness and mainly affects males. I can trace it back 3-5 generations: great grandfather, grandfather, father (diagnosed about 7 years ago), nephew (my cousin; diagnosed in his late teens and spent over a year in a psychiatric hospital following a narcissist break with reality) and my cousin's son (whom I've been told has also been diagnosed with NPD). My father tells me, his psychologist, and everyone else that I made our family dysfunctional when I was ten years old. Of course, he provides no details or explanations when pressed - he just flies into one of his narcissistic rages and smears me to the rest of the family.

Because of my father's constant emotional abuse and my family's total denial of the obvious, I chose about a year ago to cease all contact with my 90 year old father. My mother died two years ago, having suffered a lifetime of emotional abuse at the hands of my father, so my brother and sister are now solely responsible for his care. I find it amusing that they now hate dealing with him because he tries to get his narcissistic supply (attention) from them, instead of me because I'm no longer available.

I don't know why your family treats you like that, but it strongly reminds me of my own family's dysfunction. All I can offer is for you to RUN, get away, get a job, a place to live, and do not allow your sick parents to suck you back into their dysfunction. Life is good once you make that break. I feel like I'm well into the recovery phase from an extremely abusive childhood. Be strong and know that there are people including me who care about you.