"This diagnosis is the worst thing that's ever happen to her"

[JuniperBug]

That's what my mom said to me.

She was visiting from far away. I had worked hard to set it all up. She was unbelievably ungrateful. I was growing increasingly sad/frustrated at her lack of caring.

Inevitably, I had a meltdown. And when I left the room, that's when she said it. She still doesn't know I heard.

Those words hurt me so much because they are so far from the truth and they show how little she understands or cares about my wellbeing and happiness.

Why would she say that? Does she really think I use my diagnosis as an excuse to act inappropriate?

I think I'm looking for support, similar experiences, advice on how to talk to her, or anything. Thanks.

 

[tree]

If your mother said that your diagnosis was the worst thing
that could happen to you, she may be projecting the idea
that other people will look upon you as less able than they
did when you had no diagnosis.

There are people who use a diagnostic label to do all their
thinking for them. They don't try to understand what it
means or what it doesn't mean.

 

[Guppyfry]

Wow, I'm so sorry!

When I got a diagnosis (at age 39), I told my older brother. He stopped to think about it "Asperger's, hmm . . . Asperger's. I've heard about this I think . . ." Then he remembered, the light went on:

"Oh!" he looked up, "I remember now, I saw a documentary show once on Asperger's Syndrome!"

Then he turns to his wife, and blurts out "Those people are really weird!"

And we're supposed to have poor social skills?

I'm sorry your mother didn't give you the acceptance and support you were looking for. I did learn, and accept a long time ago, that when it came to AS, I'm on my own, and to not expect acceptance or understanding from others.

 

[Adora]

I had something similar happen not long ago my aunt on my dads side told my grandfather and his wife who I haven't seen in years that I have Aspergers and mind you my grandfather and his wife have been absent most of my life said I'm just making excuses and then also insulted my aunt by saying she is the disappointment of the family both of us were crying and it's not a great feeling when people react negatively towards you, it seems your mum also falls under the category of not understanding you and it's hard to hear something like that especially from you mum.

 

[Mia]

I had worked hard to set it all up. She was unbelievably ungrateful. I was growing increasingly sad/frustrated at her lack of caring.

That dynamic with your mother JuniperBug is quite familiar. We hope for solace or at least something close to affection when we go out of our way for them. It's as if they take our loyalty and love for granted, and never really return it. We had certain ideals what we wanted or hoped for or expected from our Mothers. Part of the reason we keep trying for so many years to get them to see us as adults and individuals, no longer children.

There might be tiny instances well-spaced apart, where there is a connection of sorts. Although those instances are so few and far between, that I often wonder if they happened at all. Some mother's perceive of their daughters as extensions of themselves, they react badly in situations which seem familiar to them. That remind of them of some aspect of self that they pushed down or internalized long ago. Things about themselves that were thought 'unacceptable' when they grew up, such as self-esteem and independence.

They can be somewhat envious of their daughters, who might have been able to achieve things that they wanted but were unable to. Their own regret and envy make them less compassionate of their own offspring. They sometimes seem unable to make that 'leap' and treat their children as adults, and care about them as the individuals they eventually become.