Many of us here are apt to tell you what you need to know. Not simply what you want to hear. You made a critical error with your peers...and I think you already know it. Some people forgive such things where others don't.
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Social Issues at University
- Thread starter Frostee
- Start date
Many of us here are apt to tell you what you need to know. Not simply what you want to hear. You made a critical error with your peers...and I think you already know it. Some people forgive such things where others don't.
What is annoying is that you continue to ignore several people here who gave you intelligent and excellant advice. You do show “disdain,” though you don’t think you do. If you ignore many people here who are trying to help you, then why would you not be also doing the same to your school peers? I think you are very harsh in expecting people to open arms and hearts to you. You are unwilling to do it to them.
Another issue is that you negatively summarize and stereotype an entire country of people. That is quite hurtful and unkind. That sort of thing is never accurate. You said unkind things here too, when some that tried to help you said they were from SE too. You just kept it up with the stereotyping- while all along wondering if they are stereotyping you. It’s a two way thing. You can not disparage others and then be upset that they do not like you. And yes you ARE being rude talking about a whole country of people. You ARE being rude by not acknowledging people here who have spent time really trying to help you figure things out.
I have been the only white person to work in a huge building with hundreds of people of extremely different backgrounds. Many were predisposed to hating white people due to the racism they endure. They got to know me - slowly, and often unwillingly. It usually 98% of the time turned out positive. I made friends too! I let them see that white people were not ALL bad people - not their stereotype. I had to try extra hard to build relationships. I had to MAKE THE EFFORT- GO WAY ABOVE AND BEYOND. I was the only one making effort. I was not about to quit, or run home to my old posh suburban “white” environment. People were surprised I not only endured, but thrived working in gang torn violent high crime areas. They were surprised I took the effort to learn all about them. Learn their ideas, understand their thoughts, and hatred. Learn what motivated them.
I am an American. I embrace diversity. Here, in the biggest cities, we all clash, but make the best of it, and learn to get along. Sometimes we make friends, and other times not so much. I do my best and I can’t change “them” or the world. I can only change me. You can only change YOU- not them.
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Have YOU tried to understand them?
You also said “I still think people judge me harshly” but you judge people (southern Englanders) very harshly too. Every culture has good things about it. You have not tried to find anything good. You have not embraced “their” culture. Why should “they” embrace yours? You seem to enjoy being an outsider, and you keep reinforcing your dislike of your university environment, rather than finding ways to enjoy it fully.
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You know the things they go to but don't invite you? There's two things about that. One is that either they don't think it's for you or they enjoy it only with certain people. Within the "clique" I'm sort of in, not everyone goes to everything. It doesn't mean they don't get along. People just enjoy doing different things with their different friends. If it is something you want to do, show others that. Keep up to date. They must find out about these events to go to somehow. Check the university website for upcoming events and ask people if they're going. Or posters on campus. These things are advertised in some way. That'd be a way to approach people.
Does your course have any group chats or anything along those lines? I'd be surprised if it doesn't. If it does, get someone to add you, there's bound to be people asking questions in those.
It's much harder than home, but this isn't impossible. You need to get on their radar, show them you want to engage with them, and that you're someone they want to have around. I've given you suggestions based on how I've managed that, but you can find a way that works for you, and I genuinely hope you do.
You know why. Mia, Mary Anne and I all laid it out quite clearly.
Another aspie trait is determination. You already had an answer in mind to your question and you were looking for posts to confirm your suspicions. You want to be told that it's a Southern England thing, that culture is the problem. It's not. You don't listen, you search for what you want to hear. You dismissed the religion idea, you ignored the the narcissist idea, you went straight for any advice that confirms the conclusion that you have already arrived at.
That's not a bad thing, that shows a core confidence that can drive ideas home. It's a good leadership quality, to have a vision and hurtle with absolute focus towards it. It is something people follow. I use it all the time at work and my development teams buy in to the vision I create. But I use it with caution. I also listen to points of view that make me feel uncomfortable, or that I don't want to hear and take them on board irrespective of if I want to. Because in the real world there is no clear cut right and wrong, there is only perspective. And I might think I am right, but so does the other person.
The situation you are in at uni will continue to happen at work, and when it does I would advise peeking out from your carefully constructed blinders and facing facts that make you uncomfortable. It's not about being a good or bad person, or apologizing. It's about facing things that you find awkward. You do have narcissistic tenancies and you don't listen. That doesn't make you a bad person, it just makes you a person. It's just something you should start to think about and eventually accept. If you can't then at least file it away for future reference.
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It's not my responsibility to fill you with joy, or anyone else's on this thread. You make your own happiness.
I'm not making you feel anything. You're choosing to feel that way. The same way that you're choosing to remain at that university, the same way you're choosing to blame other people for your state of mind and choosing to blame others for your lack of friends/social life.
Maybe a good choice would be to read this thread objectively and apply self analysis at how you could be perceived. It may not reap rewards of friendship where you're studying currently but it will help moving forward in life when you find yourself in the same situation elsewhere. Because with your mindset, you most certainly will encounter the same issues in the next phase of your life.
It’s interesting how absolutely NOTHING was resolved here. Realist has just wandered away.
I guess it’s just easier to be lonely rather then deal with the issues she is unhappy with.
One thing that was not addressed in the thread. Realist is from a small rural place. Of course people are more friendly in rural places! A huge urban environment ANYWHERE is always going to be different. People are naturally not as open, or friendly in urban environments. People are much more busier in urban environments, and naturally less trusting. I have lived and worked in multiple urban environments, and visited rural ones- all over the USA. Different regions and cultures are different of course, but basically people act differently in the cities.
Its unfair to expect people to act the same in rural regions as in urban environments. It’s unrealistic to expect people to act the same from different cultures or countries. All the MORE reason to extend oneself to get to know and learn the culture one is currently living in. Learning to use the Cockney rhyming language for example if you are living in London, is a good effort to try and fit in.
I guess it’s just easier to be lonely rather then deal with the issues she is unhappy with.
One thing that was not addressed in the thread. Realist is from a small rural place. Of course people are more friendly in rural places! A huge urban environment ANYWHERE is always going to be different. People are naturally not as open, or friendly in urban environments. People are much more busier in urban environments, and naturally less trusting. I have lived and worked in multiple urban environments, and visited rural ones- all over the USA. Different regions and cultures are different of course, but basically people act differently in the cities.
Its unfair to expect people to act the same in rural regions as in urban environments. It’s unrealistic to expect people to act the same from different cultures or countries. All the MORE reason to extend oneself to get to know and learn the culture one is currently living in. Learning to use the Cockney rhyming language for example if you are living in London, is a good effort to try and fit in.
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When your life stands before you broken
Delusions can't hold back our dismay.
It seems nothing was resolved here,
The last realist has wandered away
Jeez it's a poem
I'm offended at the discussion involved in this thread, supposedly from people who are Autistic.
My issues are:
- A close family friend attempted Suicide today and is in an induced Coma.
- I have exam stress.
- I did not appreciate being called a Narcissist twice.
- I thought that some of the advice was harsh. I am a sensitive person and would prefer advice that is more gentle.
- I have been emotionally manipulated throughout my Teenage years and I am unsure as to whether or not people that I have used as examples are respecting me/it is my fault.
My issues are:
- A close family friend attempted Suicide today and is in an induced Coma.
- I have exam stress.
- I did not appreciate being called a Narcissist twice.
- I thought that some of the advice was harsh. I am a sensitive person and would prefer advice that is more gentle.
- I have been emotionally manipulated throughout my Teenage years and I am unsure as to whether or not people that I have used as examples are respecting me/it is my fault.
I feel that some of the criticism against @Realist has been unduly harsh. I have been in a similar situation and it can actually be quite hard to make friends in an environment where people have already established friendships, cliques and social circles. Realist does say in her original post that she made an effort to make friends at the start, but people weren't open to her. I can relate to this, because my experience of university was similar, and it wasn't for the lack of trying. Universities can be very cliquey, an extension of school, really. People might be polite to you, but they tend to keep it at a superficial level, simply because they don't have any more 'room' for another friendship and simply aren't looking for new friends. On top of that, social anxiety and/or depression doesn't make things any easier. When I was at university, I didn't have friends for a long time, I was trying to make friends with the wrong sort of person, but by the end I made a couple of friends from other countries or departments, people who were kind of on their own and not affiliated with any clique.
Kirsty
ND
Yeah I agree, Progster.
Don’t assume she just wandered off as you don’t know what another person is going through. It might be attention seeking by saying things, perhaps made up that have happened while she was away. It may be true and it may not be. Treat everyone with kindness or say nothing at all.
Don’t assume she just wandered off as you don’t know what another person is going through. It might be attention seeking by saying things, perhaps made up that have happened while she was away. It may be true and it may not be. Treat everyone with kindness or say nothing at all.
Please read the ENTIRE thread before judging ”harsh.”
Realist started this thread about how he is not acknowledged and feels ignored. He does the very same thing and those calling him out on this fact are several posters. I would never had been “harsh” if Realist had been decent enough to respond to our (Several others in addition to myself) initially very helpful and kind posts to help him. They were well thought out, and had excellant ideas. Realist completely ignored these several posts. That hurts!
Realist says he is “sensitive” but hello- we are “sensitive “ too! Of course, other people’s feelings would never occur to Realist. He cannot imagine that his actions could cause others to feel bad, ignored, unacknowledged, because he is only inside his own head. That’s fine, but then do not ask others for help!
Realist went on other posts in which he talked about how bad SE people were and how his own country and rural place was so much better. He is sort of racist: unwilling to understand urban areas, and cultural differences without imparting stereotypes and judgements upon others. He is unaccepting of cultural diversity- which will continually keep him separated from others. This will cause him to seem very judgemental to others.
When he ignored several intelligent and kind attempts to figure out things, that is when people got a bit more “harsh.” Because Realist is not seeking solutions, and ignores people. One brings on from others what they give out. Realist is not seeking realistic solutions to his problems.
On top of that, Realist only talks about himself. “Me, me, me, and never once has shown that he has tried to understand from other people’s point of view. He continually says “They do not talk to me.” “They do not include me.” “They are all bad SE people,” while I and my rural Northern people are good. How, with that attitude will he make connections or friends? He constantly belittles an entire country of people (Some people from this very region of SE also posted to this thread with suggestions- that was extremely hurtful) with his unreasonable stereotypes and judgements, while elevating himself, yet, is unwilling to even acknowledge this obvious possibility is what is stopping him from having connections. How is this “harsh,” when he is so quick to denigrate everybody else, and only talk about “me, me, me.”
Sorry, but if he had only acknowledged several people’s posts here- even having a discussion that he disagreed, maybe so many people on this thread would not be so frustrated with him. Usually, people come and ask for help because they honestly want help. I am not alone in my thoughts here (read the entire thread). He does not want any help, nor does he want to accept any potential solutions for the situation that he alone got himself in. Maybe Realist is seeking pity to validate how he feels.
Realist started this thread about how he is not acknowledged and feels ignored. He does the very same thing and those calling him out on this fact are several posters. I would never had been “harsh” if Realist had been decent enough to respond to our (Several others in addition to myself) initially very helpful and kind posts to help him. They were well thought out, and had excellant ideas. Realist completely ignored these several posts. That hurts!
Realist says he is “sensitive” but hello- we are “sensitive “ too! Of course, other people’s feelings would never occur to Realist. He cannot imagine that his actions could cause others to feel bad, ignored, unacknowledged, because he is only inside his own head. That’s fine, but then do not ask others for help!
Realist went on other posts in which he talked about how bad SE people were and how his own country and rural place was so much better. He is sort of racist: unwilling to understand urban areas, and cultural differences without imparting stereotypes and judgements upon others. He is unaccepting of cultural diversity- which will continually keep him separated from others. This will cause him to seem very judgemental to others.
When he ignored several intelligent and kind attempts to figure out things, that is when people got a bit more “harsh.” Because Realist is not seeking solutions, and ignores people. One brings on from others what they give out. Realist is not seeking realistic solutions to his problems.
On top of that, Realist only talks about himself. “Me, me, me, and never once has shown that he has tried to understand from other people’s point of view. He continually says “They do not talk to me.” “They do not include me.” “They are all bad SE people,” while I and my rural Northern people are good. How, with that attitude will he make connections or friends? He constantly belittles an entire country of people (Some people from this very region of SE also posted to this thread with suggestions- that was extremely hurtful) with his unreasonable stereotypes and judgements, while elevating himself, yet, is unwilling to even acknowledge this obvious possibility is what is stopping him from having connections. How is this “harsh,” when he is so quick to denigrate everybody else, and only talk about “me, me, me.”
Sorry, but if he had only acknowledged several people’s posts here- even having a discussion that he disagreed, maybe so many people on this thread would not be so frustrated with him. Usually, people come and ask for help because they honestly want help. I am not alone in my thoughts here (read the entire thread). He does not want any help, nor does he want to accept any potential solutions for the situation that he alone got himself in. Maybe Realist is seeking pity to validate how he feels.
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@Mary Anne
Referring to @Realist as "she" in Post #97 is confusing.
The Profile lists Realist as male. Ordinarily "he" is the
pronoun of choice to describe a male individual.
Referring to @Realist as "she" in Post #97 is confusing.
The Profile lists Realist as male. Ordinarily "he" is the
pronoun of choice to describe a male individual.
Omiigosh, I thought I read that Realist was female. My apologies. I certainly did not mean to make this mistake. I went back and changed the pronouns. Thanks Tree for pointing out a horrible error.
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Mary Anne, you insist that it is 'me, me' - because I have not considered the Classmates 'feelings'. I don't think there is anything to consider.
To me, if you are in the same room with a group of people for 2-3 hours a day all week, every week for two years, and can't even say 'hello', that is a poor situation that is not going to amount to anything great. In my country, people greet one another, even if we do not know each other, so the fact that these people have never spoken to me would be taken as aloof and rude here. Obviously, they think I am not worth their time.
Please tell me why I should sit and think about how they feel if I know that they don't give me a second's thought, and probably don't like me?
Think about it, WHY would I RUN after them if they are not interested in me? What is so special about them, that they are worth pursuing?
To me, if you are in the same room with a group of people for 2-3 hours a day all week, every week for two years, and can't even say 'hello', that is a poor situation that is not going to amount to anything great. In my country, people greet one another, even if we do not know each other, so the fact that these people have never spoken to me would be taken as aloof and rude here. Obviously, they think I am not worth their time.
Please tell me why I should sit and think about how they feel if I know that they don't give me a second's thought, and probably don't like me?
Think about it, WHY would I RUN after them if they are not interested in me? What is so special about them, that they are worth pursuing?
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