Small talk?

[Pats]

Small talk does not have to be disingenuous. It's usually just a friendly greetings or being basically polite. I wouldn't read too much into it because the person doing it doesn't mean anything negative by it. On the other hand what really grinds my gears is when people say something but really mean something else altogether. For example, it really makes me angry when at a new employee orientation they tell you that they welcome your feedback and input but when you give it, it is anything but welcome. If my input is unwelcome, don't open the door for feedback in the first place. Don't hide fascism in the work place under some "feel good" fake open door policy. I would have more respect for the workplace that is honest and tells me outright that it is a dictatorship, not a democracy.

Yes. I had a boss that would see how busy we were and would just ask in passing if we were alright, knowing we were too busy to answer more than a yeah as we keep going. We were into a discussion once and she asked me, "Don't I always ask if you need help?" I said, no, she asks if we're alright and if she really wanted to help she would ask if we needed help. She didn't like my answer and it didn't change anything.

 

[Mia]

I've mentioned this before in other related threads. I find it interesting. Many of my neighbours are indigenous in the area where I live. They often greet one another, with the word Kwe. Which is, "Hello friend' if they know you.

If they don't know you, they will immediately ask who you are related to and who your ancestors were. So they can establish if you belonged to a tribe which were friends or enemies. That way they know how to treat you related to your rank and family.

I think this may have been the original reason for greetings like; "Friend or foe?" "Who goes there?' "How are you?" "Hello." But it's original purpose has become lost over time.

 

[the_tortoise]

Actually, I have done that, too and it is a bit of a game and people DO get a puzzled look.
But have you ever tried being on the starting end and end up getting some long, drawn out, detailed story about them not being alright? YOU feel like, "What have I done???"

I have.

It doesn't usually bother me, unless they expect me to agree with them that the world is nothing but hate and misery and everyone but them is terrible and wrong, or if they are going on about their horrific prejudices against others who don't have the same socio-cultural background, political beliefs, etc.

I do often find myself at a loss as to what to say, though.....how to be comforting or helpful, if it is just some random person on a bus or something.

 

[Pats]

I have.

It doesn't usually bother me, unless they expect me to agree with them that the world is nothing but hate and misery and everyone but them is terrible and wrong, or if they are going on about their horrific prejudices against others who don't have the same socio-cultural background, political beliefs, etc.

I do often find myself at a loss as to what to say, though.....how to be comforting or helpful, if it is just some random person on a bus or something.

Yes, I guess I'm talking more along the lines of asking a hypochondriac how they are.

 

[the_tortoise]

Yes, I guess I'm talking more along the lines of asking a hypochondriac how they are.

Ah, I would not be upset by that but I would wish the person could have less anxiety about their health. I might say something about how their worrisome symptoms could be harmless or I might just say nothing and wiish them well.

 

[Pats]

Ah, I would not be upset by that but I would wish the person could have less anxiety about their health. I might say something about how their worrisome symptoms could be harmless or I might just say nothing and wiish them well.

Some parts of the south you learn very quickly not to ask how someone is. Because they tell you everything from their aches and pains to their last check up. lol

 

[tree]

I think if someone greeted me by sniffing my butt I would probably respond with my elbow.

Good thing you're not a dog, then.

That would be such an awkward maneuver,
for a dog.
Dog Anatomy from Head to Tail - dummies

 

[Tom]

If you ever watch an Ant mound, watch what the ants do as they pass each other. No matter how in a hurry they usually stop touch & twitch antenna together briefly and then go about their business. Why they do it I am not sure, but on the surface it seems a quick way to establish whether one is a nest mate/friend or enemy.

 

[WildCat]

"How was your day so far?", "how's the weather?", "what's up?"...

"Fine"
"Alright"
"Could be better"
"Going steady"
"Screw off"
"Huh?"

It's as easy as that.

 

[BraidedPony]

I think of it as a way for someone to take a quick check of the weather between us. If my response is within normal limits...including tone of voice, volume and timing, then the atmosphere is suitable and comfortable for them.
If my response doesn’t meet the norms then the inquirer will reconsider whether or not to continue a conversation and even if they are going to stand further away or leave the area.
I stopped asking how people are doing a long time ago and save it for when I really do care, if even just a little bit.
When I’m asked how I am I usually just say, Oh pretty good, and you? So my answer is close to true usually and I ask them back so I won’t appear rude.

 

[Nitro]

It is time for a reminder that bashing of anyone regardless of neurology is unacceptable on this forum.
We are to conduct ourselves with respect towards all, because we have members who are outside of our own neurology who are people too.

 

[Bolletje]

Sometimes when someone asks me how I am, I ask if they want
a) the short answer or the long one
b) the socially acceptable one or the truth
c) to take a seat cause it's gonna be a while to answer that.

Variations of these tend to work. But usually I just respond with 'fine, how are you?' because even if it's not my natural way of doing things, other people seem to appreciate these gestures and they don't bother me that much.

 

[Ginseng]

This has always been a weird one. If I am not doing well it is even more difficult. But when I am low on spoons, playing games with neurotypicals can be confusing. When I am on top of my game I know to just respond “I am fine” and move on. But when I am not doing well this question can further confuse me because I won’t know if I am to tell the truth or not.

 

[onlything]

I treat it as a habit. Just a figure of speech, an exchange between two parties after which the next communication aspect can happen. Just one of the Rules if a slightly annoying one.

 

[Gritches]

Being one sick puppy, I like to respond with a smile, all the proper body language (well, most of it), look them in the eyes, and jovially say in one breath: "Awful, I envy the dead, how are you?" Try that going through the drive-thru at McDonald's, they either don't know what to say or just continue with "I'm good blah blah".

 

[Ginseng]

"Awful, I envy the dead, how are you?"

Love it! Made me laugh out loud.

 

[Autistamatic]

Joking aside, if you give the expected response things tend to run smoothly. Like many of us I've learned rules and principles that allow me to function.
There are a few NT people I deal with in everyday life who treat me in a way I consider appropriate and only one of them knows I am AS. Someone in my office will say to me "good morning" and will ask later "how are you today?" But I know she's interested in the answer. We can have a good conversation about our lives at the time, where we offer each other observations and constructive advice. She's not the only one but she's not the rule.
Thing is, however much NT people may frustrate us and we can joke about those frustrations, we do the same to most of them. I'm just glad there are people I can talk to, however few of them, who help me understand that I may be different, but I'm not insane!
We've a long way to go to acceptance and integration, but I'm glad of those few I can talk to already

 

[Peter Morrison]

It's a shame, but we all react to standard phrases that usually mean some kind of concern or interest. We answer in the same way. They are just alternatives for "hello". There is no real desire to hear a story about your state of mind or some tidbit of good news that is keeping you happy.

My brother told me many years ago that if someone asks how I am, I should stop and think before saying "fine", my usual response. I believe, though, that thinking before answering is more for me than truly answering a sales clerk's question honestly. I use the question to check my own state of mind. My response becomes more accurate, but it is still part of a greeting ritual. I end up saying "fine" when I don't care to reflect on my life just to respond to a question about my well-being. The question is insincere, so the answer might as well be too. Somehow, the world keeps turning.

 

[Autistamatic]

Looking at the history of these phrases - "Hi" is a contraction of "Howdy" which itself is a contraction of "How do you do?".
"Bless you" has it's origins in the black death in Europe, or Bubonic Plague as we call it now. One of the first symptoms is sneezing so we would say "Bless you" because if ihey had the plague they would not be long for this world.
Small talk has always been there and autistic people have always had to deal with it. However far we have to go yet, at least we're not so likely to be committed or segregated as the village idiot these days.

 

[Progster]

A simple 'how are you?' is not really a problem for me - I ask it of people I know well out of a genuine interest in their wellbeing, and I answer the question truthfully. I don't ask strangers, though, with strangers I get down to business and don't use small talk.

Another thing that people often say is "Nice day, isn't it?" This is one thing I don't say to people, unless I want to talk about the weather, and actually I find weather interesting and want to talk about it, but the problem is that other people don't ask this because they want to talk about the weather, but as a greeting - it has a social function. But I can't see it like that, and if someone asks me, I talk to them in detail about the weather.