Shutdowns overlooked in childhood.

[not_an_orange_cat]

I'm still really new to this. I'm considering that I might be on the autism spectrum, but never diagnosed, like so many others I've been reading about and listening to online. It fits so well - so remarkably well, and I continue to have new insights into things that happened when I was a child that should have been red flags but were never considered as autism, likely because I had no overt cognitive or communication deficits. I'd just really like to share this with people who might understand.

I've been in therapy since I was five years old for "unknown" behavioral problems. Nothing was ever identified as a disorder, except that I had problems that kept me from functioning in school. Thinking on it today, a memory hit me that pointed to the possibility of autism, but nothing was ever done about it, except for giving me anti-anxiety medication like Xanax to calm me down during "episodes."

During a therapy session when I was about eleven or twelve years old, the therapist kept asking me questions about my behavior. I don't remember her exact line of questioning, but it was things like, "why did you do that?" and such, and I didn't know how to answer. I went into what could easily be described as a severe shutdown. I lost control of my body, and started shaking, and curled up into a fetal position and couldn't speak anymore, though I was fully aware of my surroundings. It was like I was locked inside my body. The therapist freaked out, and stood up, and asked, "What is wrong with her?!" and my mother, who was sitting next to me calmly, though I'm sure she was also feeling heart-broken, said, "She does that sometimes. Just give her a minute and she'll come out of it."

So, my mom tried to soothe me while the therapist looked on in horror, and I remember wanting so badly to regain control, to not be a bother, and, though I didn't recognize it at the time, it caused a deep sense of shame.

Several memories like this keep popping up since I've considered that I might be autistic. I'm not even sure where to start - it's like drinking from a fire house to process all of this. That memory really sticks out, though, along with many others. I'd be nice to have someone to talk to about it, but I don't know enough and don't know who I can turn, yet - so I hope it is okay to post here like this for now. I wasn't quite sure what sub-forum to put a story like that under. I wondered if anyone else experienced similar.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

I did something like that after a job interview a few years ago. My whole life people have described my "oddities" or different behaviors to me, though I wasn't diagnosed until adulthood. And there are too many therapists who think if you've made it to adulthood without diagnosis, you're not Autistic. But, I think your experience is probably common here. I can't say if you're Autistic, but look around and read people's stories.

 

[SeanF]

I understand some of the overwhelm you are experiencing. When I first realized I might be autistic, I read every book I could find on the topic, then listened to every podcast (all 5 seasons in some cases). My therapist was quick to point out that NT's do not generally feel the need to get ALL the facts before coming to a conclusion about such things. I then apparently looked at her in horror at the thought, and she only laughed. Apparently both of my responses were incredibly autistic. Still unconvinced, I took all the online tests again and again. My wife still laughs at the time I honestly tried to trick the test with answers I thought seemed "less autistic" only to wind up scoring higher on the scale.

I think it is natural when you discover something world-changing to reevaluate all your past experiences. Having said that, I am learning that I am not as "normal" (if there is such a thing) as I thought I was. It is hard to explain how weird it is for something to so completely explain your identity. In fact this led me down a rather dark existential rabbit hole where I questioned everything about myself, trying to determine what was "me," and what was my "autism." I know this probably sounds silly, but I have always hated being told what to do. So when I suddenly found out it was my brain trying to control me, I was no longer sure how to properly rebel.

Needless to say, it is quite the journey. If you are anything like me, it will probably be a long one. Hopefully whether you determine that you are or are not autistic, you find some solace in the fact that you are not alone. Kudos to you for being willing to explore and strong enough to be able to accept the answers you find. Good luck, my friend, and safe travels.

 

[Levitator]

I've had therapists and doctors tell me that I am inherently asocial and that I don't like or want relationships with other people, and then they proceeded to misdiagnose me, which I know was a misdiagnosis since they based it on a bunch of falsehoods. I've seen the system absolutely not work, and the specific reasons are not that important. I know I have enough in common with people here to relate, and I know that people treat me like an outcast for reasons which are invisible to me even though I would passionately love to have a partner, and to have a community, contrary to what those hacks told me about myself. It takes a lot of gall to tell someone who they are without actually knowing anything about them.

 

[Tired Anna]

What the hell, how can she call herself a therapist if she behaves like that, that's both unprofessional and inhumane towards you. I'm so sorry you went through that, I hope you're having (or will have in the future) a good therapist who'll help you to understand yourself better.

 

[Levitator]

I've had therapists and doctors tell me that I am inherently asocial and that I don't like or want relationships with other people, and then they proceeded to misdiagnose me, which I know was a misdiagnosis since they based it on a bunch of falsehoods. I've seen the system absolutely not work, and the specific reasons are not that important. I know I have enough in common with people here to relate, and I know that people treat me like an outcast for reasons which are invisible to me even though I would passionately love to have a partner, and to have a community, contrary to what those hacks told me about myself. It takes a lot of gall to tell someone who they are without actually knowing anything about them.

They've actually diagnosed me with a lot worse than autism, but I think they were full of it. In any case, whether you take their side or believe me, I'm pretty sure I'm enough of a legitimate reject to relate around here.

 

[Levitator]

What the hell, how can she call herself a therapist if she behaves like that, that's both unprofessional and inhumane towards you. I'm so sorry you went through that, I hope you're having (or will have in the future) a good therapist who'll help you to understand yourself better.

I think there are reasons which boil down to slander, but they're not worth perturbing the forum with.

 

[Jumpinbare]

Still unconvinced, I took all the online tests again and again. My wife still laughs at the time I honestly tried to trick the test with answers I thought seemed "less autistic" only to wind up scoring higher on the scale.

Me too. I didn't do reasearch till after all that, figuring one size can't fit all on tests. It was the research that convinced me finally. It was like I was reading my life history with the names changed to protect the innocent.
I had also refrained from researching upfront because I didn't want to be influenced one way or other by the knowledge upfront

 

[Levitator]

Me too. I didn't do reasearch till after all that, figuring one size can't fit all on tests. It was the research that convinced me finally. It was like I was reading my life history with the names changed to protect the innocent.
I had also refrained from researching upfront because I didn't want to be influenced one way or other by the knowledge upfront

I just took that RAADS test, and I am basically five points short of "strong evidence". I don't much like the design, because some of the questions seem dumb, overly specific or qualified, and a lot of it is your own opinion of how you perceive yourself, rather than your factual experiences. The thing that smacks me around is how consistently people ditch me, walk away from me mid-conversation, act like I don't exist, and sometimes even physically assault me. I feel pretty comfortable accepting; I don't work like other people do, but acceptance of this situation provides me with a lead on a social group I might find friends in, so that's why I came by.

 

[Xinyta]

I'm still really new to this. I'm considering that I might be on the autism spectrum, but never diagnosed, like so many others I've been reading about and listening to online. It fits so well - so remarkably well, and I continue to have new insights into things that happened when I was a child that should have been red flags but were never considered as autism, likely because I had no overt cognitive or communication deficits. I'd just really like to share this with people who might understand.

I've been in therapy since I was five years old for "unknown" behavioral problems. Nothing was ever identified as a disorder, except that I had problems that kept me from functioning in school. Thinking on it today, a memory hit me that pointed to the possibility of autism, but nothing was ever done about it, except for giving me anti-anxiety medication like Xanax to calm me down during "episodes."

During a therapy session when I was about eleven or twelve years old, the therapist kept asking me questions about my behavior. I don't remember her exact line of questioning, but it was things like, "why did you do that?" and such, and I didn't know how to answer. I went into what could easily be described as a severe shutdown. I lost control of my body, and started shaking, and curled up into a fetal position and couldn't speak anymore, though I was fully aware of my surroundings. It was like I was locked inside my body. The therapist freaked out, and stood up, and asked, "What is wrong with her?!" and my mother, who was sitting next to me calmly, though I'm sure she was also feeling heart-broken, said, "She does that sometimes. Just give her a minute and she'll come out of it."

So, my mom tried to soothe me while the therapist looked on in horror, and I remember wanting so badly to regain control, to not be a bother, and, though I didn't recognize it at the time, it caused a deep sense of shame.

Several memories like this keep popping up since I've considered that I might be autistic. I'm not even sure where to start - it's like drinking from a fire house to process all of this. That memory really sticks out, though, along with many others. I'd be nice to have someone to talk to about it, but I don't know enough and don't know who I can turn, yet - so I hope it is okay to post here like this for now. I wasn't quite sure what sub-forum to put a story like that under. I wondered if anyone else experienced similar.

Thanks for reading.

I'm going to start by saying this. Nothing is wrong with you.

Your perfectly valid in your feelings, but you don't need to feel guilt for having Autism. Severe shutdowns and panic are part of not being able to understand certain things socially. Communication and socail skills are a weakness that come with this condition.

However I cannot justify this so-called therapist actions as anything more than pure unprofessional cowardice on thier part. They clearly were inexperienced in dealing with Autism.

Don't be afraid to ask questions. We all are happy to help give you some insight. We have plenty of posts all across the forum too that can help give you an idea too.

 

[Neri]

They've actually diagnosed me with a lot worse than autism, but I think they were full of it. In any case, whether you take their side or believe me, I'm pretty sure I'm enough of a legitimate reject to relate around here.

I also got a horrible stigmatized misdiagnosis, which led to being treated very shabbily in local hospitals. To be fair, it may have looked, at the time, like the diagnosis (to a very cold, clinical psychiatrist who clearly didn't like me and saw me for all of one half hour) but it was wrong and has further stigmatized me and added to an already large body of interpersonal trauma, I'm having to work through.

 

[Levitator]

I also got a horrible stigmatized misdiagnosis, which led to being treated very shabbily in local hospitals. To be fair, it may have looked, at the time, like the diagnosis (to a very cold, clinical psychiatrist who clearly didn't like me and saw me for all of one half hour) but it was wrong and has further stigmatized me and added to an already large body of interpersonal trauma, I'm having to work through.

Well, I think someone whom I was inconveniencing called the doctors, outright lied to them, and tried to convince them I was someone I wasn't. My early treatment involved sitting in a conference room which was labeled something like "interrogation", which is an entire WTF moment, which doesn't even belong in a medical facility. I did get extreme gaslighting, mistreatment, and misdiagnosis, and it's because psychiatry is nonsense. It's placed on the same footing as medical science when it is subjective and highly abusable. I'm trying to push that stuff out of my mind because revisiting toxic things forever does not promote healing. There are people who take an inch of your deficits and vulnerability and rewrite a mile of the story to suit their convenience, knowing that you have communication problems even better than you do, and that nobody will listen to you as you are kicked into a pit of disrespect and dismissal for conditions you don't even have.

 

[Ghostinthemachine]

If its any comfort to you I also hsve shutdowns which now I am older tend to be withdrawl from everything and everyone until I reboot,I also do this when socially exhausted, I used to hide both but now I'm an adult I don't care about hiding them and I'm not ashamed to tell people to go away as I need to regulate, if they have a problem with it its their problem not mine

 

[Tired Anna]

If its any comfort to you I also hsve shutdowns which now I am older tend to be withdrawl from everything and everyone until I reboot,I also do this when socially exhausted, I used to hide both but now I'm an adult I don't care about hiding them and I'm not ashamed to tell people to go away as I need to regulate, if they have a problem with it its their problem not mine

a very healthy outlook, i like it

 

[Ghostinthemachine]

a very healthy outlook, i like it

Thank you I found over time I am not responsible for other people's perceptions and problems so if a problem with perception of me is not mine let them get on with it cause its not my problem!

 

[Tired Anna]

Thank you I found over time I am not responsible for other people's perceptions and problems so if a problem with perception of me is not mine let them get on with it cause its not my problem!

I hope more people here will see that as the real safe and satisfactory way of living, but yeah, for persons who are people-pleasers, or are just scared to lose any friends, it's hard to understand that.

 

[Levitator]

There's some part of my brain I permit to rest, and I will sort of zone out, not really asleep, but kind of staring into space and resting. I'm still aware of everything, and I can stop whenever. I always assumed everyone does that, and it's probably unrelated to this discussion.

 

[Ken]

I'm still really new to this. I'm considering that I might be on the autism spectrum, but never diagnosed, like so many others I've been reading about and listening to online. It fits so well - so remarkably well, and I continue to have new insights into things that happened when I was a child that should have been red flags but were never considered as autism, likely because I had no overt cognitive or communication deficits. I'd just really like to share this with people who might understand.

I've been in therapy since I was five years old for "unknown" behavioral problems. Nothing was ever identified as a disorder, except that I had problems that kept me from functioning in school. Thinking on it today, a memory hit me that pointed to the possibility of autism, but nothing was ever done about it, except for giving me anti-anxiety medication like Xanax to calm me down during "episodes."

During a therapy session when I was about eleven or twelve years old, the therapist kept asking me questions about my behavior. I don't remember her exact line of questioning, but it was things like, "why did you do that?" and such, and I didn't know how to answer. I went into what could easily be described as a severe shutdown. I lost control of my body, and started shaking, and curled up into a fetal position and couldn't speak anymore, though I was fully aware of my surroundings. It was like I was locked inside my body. The therapist freaked out, and stood up, and asked, "What is wrong with her?!" and my mother, who was sitting next to me calmly, though I'm sure she was also feeling heart-broken, said, "She does that sometimes. Just give her a minute and she'll come out of it."

So, my mom tried to soothe me while the therapist looked on in horror, and I remember wanting so badly to regain control, to not be a bother, and, though I didn't recognize it at the time, it caused a deep sense of shame.

Several memories like this keep popping up since I've considered that I might be autistic. I'm not even sure where to start - it's like drinking from a fire house to process all of this. That memory really sticks out, though, along with many others. I'd be nice to have someone to talk to about it, but I don't know enough and don't know who I can turn, yet - so I hope it is okay to post here like this for now. I wasn't quite sure what sub-forum to put a story like that under. I wondered if anyone else experienced similar.

Thanks for reading.

Yep, has been happening to me all my life. I have always called it a "lockup". Never knew there was a term for it. I just knew it happened to me a lot - still. It happens anytime someone is demanding an answer from me faster than I can respond, or if I'm being yelled at; especially if by more than one person.

In any event, don't worry. Yes, it is quite an undesirable inconvenience but it is not a successful life deal breaker. I'm currently 71 years old and retired from a career that I'm very proud of. The key is to seek jobs that your traits compliment and does not have elements that you are sensitive to. Took me a very long time, but I finally found it.

As @Xinyta says, you are Normal. Have to understand that "normal" is a very broad term.

Note: any diagnosis is an opinion regardless of credentials. May or may not be a fact.

 

[Neri]

Sadly, I don't remember a lot of my childhood. I suspect it was just too traumatic and my brain is doing me a favour by hiding the files.

 

[Ken]

Sadly, I don't remember a lot of my childhood. I suspect it was just too traumatic and my brain is doing me a favour by hiding the files.

No such luck for me. I don't just remember childhood traumas, I continue to relive them. Daily reliving and nightmares of my traumas are additive. Traumas throughout life are added to the mix and seem to never subside or ever forgotten.

I have learned to be diligent in avoiding triggers and reminders. This helps to reduce recalling and reliving. As I get older, life gets simpler making avoiding a little more successful. Plus, as I get older, I learn more ways to avoid triggers.