Secrecy vs Disclosure

[rpryor03]

My thoughts on the matter are that if you ask, I will tell. If you do not ask, I will not tell. Simple as that.

 

[gonz]

If you actually believe that, then they are not real friends. Real friends accept you as you are. You shouldn't have to keep "secrets" about yourself with real friends.

I agree, but it's not always a choice between bad friends and good friends; sometimes it's a choice between bad friends or none at all. And, in my experience at least, keeping secrets hurts a lot less than being alone.

 

[AspieBenMN]

I am extremely upfront about it. And thanks to that I have a gf who has her own issues (MS) but she has helped me understand myself so much better. It's really an individual decision but I think it's best to be up front. That way if you are in a awkward position ie: reading sarcasm incorrectly you can just laugh it by saying sorry it's my Aspergers

 

[domestic_Yetti]

I agree coming out to your friends and being honest, but I think bringing out that you are Aspie at work might end up biting you in the butt. I can understand you wishing that people were more patient and understanding, but some might think that you are then not qualified for your job and can't pull your weight - including your boss. Just a thought.

Not a single person thinks I'm not qualified to do my job; actually just the opposite. I am the person they come to for quality checking all outgoing work. In fact, when I disclosed my AS my boss understood now how I was able to be so thorough with details. Our customers request me to do work. AS is a curse and a blessing. I've been doing this job for 16 years. I'm not concerned about it ever biting me in the butt since I also work from home. My reason for disclosing was because we had a new boss who had never met me before. I spoke with my immediate supervisor who I had know for while and felt it would be wise so the new boss didn't have any misconceptions after our introduction. Worked in my favor since the new boss has a child that was diagnosed with AS less than 6 months ago. Many of our phone calls end up being about his son and helping him understand what's going on. He had never heard of it before. I believe it's all in how you handle yourself in the workplace. I'm super nice but....odd. I've met others who act like they are cursed and life is terrible with AS and they don't other to try to help themselves or others around them to even understand what's happening. Having a meltdown in the break romo and throwing tables and chairs will get you fired and people having a negative viewpoint of AS.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I agree, but it's not always a choice between bad friends and good friends; sometimes it's a choice between bad friends or none at all. And, in my experience at least, keeping secrets hurts a lot less than being alone.

I know I can't change your mind about what you said above, but it makes me sad to hear a person talk like that. I'm sorry you feel like you have to keep secrets.

 

[JKG]

I'm wrestling with whether and who to tell, and doing some experimenting around that right now. It certainly has helped for my partner to know--although we aren't going to stay together, sadly, because she doesn't want to live with someone with aspie traits. At least the diagnosis let her know that my traits are not due to lack of love, or some failure of will.

I've told a couple people at work, and one friend--and all were taken aback; they acted surprised and awkward around me. Now it is on their minds when we talk, and they seem less relaxed and less comfortable around me. I'm going to watch to see if that goes away with time. If it doesn't, I will probably be careful about who I tell from now on.

 

[HiImBob]

Interesting. I guess I'm just not there yet...to tell a total stranger of being autistic. I almost did not too long ago, but it would have been purely out of anger and frustration...not as any kind of "olive branch".

I was a long time getting to that point, and I completely understand not being able to. And yes, the first few times probably did happen in the midst of anger and frustration. And maybe I just got fed up with the inefficiencies that anger and frustration brings into any interaction, and try to forestall whenever possible. Mostly been in medical situations so far, dealing with lab techs etc., but starting to spill over into general situations - shopping or whatever.

 

[kris]

I don't have a diagnosis either because I think diagnoses and psychiatry in general are are a fraud and "mental illness" is a pseudomedical term to stigmatize and punish socially disapproved traits of character. I just tell people I have a "thing" going on that people call autism and it's actually pretty awesome. I think if you say it confidently people have a hard time criticizing you. Only retort I get is that I can't really be autistic because I'm high-functioning, can pass for normal when I need to and pay my taxes. Which pisses me off because the implicit assumption in that view is that autism is necessarily a mental illness and disability.

I actually completely agree with you! I guess I always sort of figured having paperwork would be validating in some way despite how much I hate psychiatry. I have a couple friends with kids on the spectrum and it bothers me the way they treat their kids like they are disabled.. It's absolutely not a disability. And I like being able to see the world differently. For the most part.

ugh.. taxes.. don't say that.. i've always paid mine on time but filed an extension this year because i have a small business and no full time employment and it's so much work. that i'm not at all interested in doing. ugh.

 

[Hurting89]

People don't believe me anyway. So I've given up on mentioning it.

The funny thing is when I was a teen people would always tell me I seemed "Aspie" and that "they could definitely tell".

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

I've always been painfully introverted, but lately I've been telling people, when I'm in public situations and I realize that I'm reacting to things in an autistic way and things start to get awkward - "Sorry about my weirdness just now, but I'm autistic and I may not always react the way most people do." So far it's always gotten a good reaction and seems to dispel any tensions that may be building.

And I figure that the more of us that are able to show NTs that we're not so scarey, that we're pretty much like they are, that's got to help out all of us in the long run.

I'll sign on to that. Although I'm thinking there's secrecy, and there's privacy. At some point, we can insist on people's accepting us as we present, without having to justify it with a name.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Not a single person thinks I'm not qualified to do my job; actually just the opposite. I am the person they come to for quality checking all outgoing work. ... Our customers request me to do work. AS is a curse and a blessing.

Some days I wonder if coming out openly would knock me down more toward the "broken Aspie" end of social perception and give me a reprieve. When I was a waitress, some of the diners would purposely wait until I walked by before asking for a refill because I had a good reputation of getting the job done. And a long list of other "super Aspie" encounters. @_@

If I was a vain person, all those compliments would make my head would be so big I'd have to sleep outside because I couldn't fit through the door.

 

[staind.raindrop]

I honestly don't think it's an issue of whether or not you're open about it that determines your happiness, rather it's how people respond to the revelation.

I've shared that I'm on the spectrum with people before, hoping to provide a more complete picture of why certain misunderstandings tend to keep happening. In several separate instances, it was met with skepticism that Autism is even real, or that I actually have it and am not just sneakily asking for a license to be lazy about my social interactions. It's made things worse in many situations, while not mentioning it just leaves things muddy.

If you're blamed if you do and blamed if you don't, it could be that the choices that determine our happiness lie elsewhere.

 

[Kouryuu]

I dont tend to tell people unless I feel I need to or that I want to. It's kinda hard to explain the things I have difficulty with as some people have told me "everyone has that problem" or something like that. I just think if everyone had that problem why are they progressing while I am stuck?

I'm afraid of it becoming an excuse. I dont want to say "oh I have aspergers so I cant do this" or something. My diagnoses has helped me understand who I am but it doesnt mean I can stop trying.

 

[Kari Suttle]

Is it better to keep your Asperger's a secret, or to let people know who you are

I'm on the fence with this because I'm not diagnosed, just self-diagnosed with my family fully agreeing, they actually were the first to suggest it to be honest. I don't tell anyone, just my one friend, but I think if someone asked me and i trusted them i would be honest. Then again the only ones who would even think to ask I would trust with the information - the family i babysit for and a select few supervisors at work.