Secrecy vs Disclosure

[EdR]

I have chosen not to disclose it. My diagnosis is recent and while I have found serenity with this discovery nothing else about me has changed. Everyone already thinks that I am weird, and I cannot visualize spreading that bit of news as beneficial.

I really do not have any close friends to share it with. At work, I am the big boss, so disclosure is not even a possibility. Maybe I will tell my (adult) children; later.

 

[tachyon]

I'm not ready to draw any conclusions. If people who are open about being on the spectrum seem happier, I would really want to establish that we're dealing with cause and effect, and that's difficult on an internet forum. And then there would still be the chicken-and-egg problem: are they happier because they are open about it or are they open about it because they are happier?

I recall reading a number of posts where people said they don't tell others (especially at work) because chances are overwhelming that they wouldn't take it well. If you already know that, you're likely already not being treated as well as you could be, and you may not be the happiest person as a result. Being open about an often misunderstood neurological difference may not improve your situation at all in such circumstances. With friends, I agree - if they can't cope with that knowledge, they weren't really friends. But you can't usually change or dump jobs the way you can change or dump your social circle if need be - you usually need to endure whatever consequence follows for at least a while longer. So, I can understand being guarded at work / in situations that you can't easily leave.

In the past, I actually had a boss who was quite taken with several of my Aspie/HFA traits: no interest in socialising with co-workers, really good at working on my own in solitude, great persistence and an eye for detail, to name the ones I can think of off the top of my head. But I remain convinced that all that would have changed if I had told him that I'm on the autism spectrum. The negative image of Asperger's/HFA would have outweighed the obvious advantages for that job in his mind - I was intimately acquainted with what he thought of and how he treated other people who had disclosed i.e. depression, ADHD etc.

Of course I would love to say 'Just be who you are and let the chips fall where they may', and I'm sure that's good advice for a number of situations. But many non-autistic people really aren't that well-informed and tolerant, and that's why I always run through a worst-case scenario before telling someone, and if I am not ready to deal with that outcome, I keep it to myself. I'm not ready to martyr myself for the cause at the moment.

I don't agree with the assertion that it's easier to dump friends & get new ones than it is with jobs. I have found it very difficult to get and maintain friends (whatever friend means). I have a few friends who I interact with infrequently, but I do enjoy the times with them despite the reality that I'm aware of constantly presenting an acceptable interface of me to them (it has taken me years to fine-tune that interface). I strongly believe there is a risk of endangering those friendships if I 'come out' as an aspie and absolutely nothing to gain so I will not do it. If I lost the small number of 'friends' that I have I would have to work very hard to find more & I'm not very good at doing that.

 

[JasonG]

I may be getting to the point where I will tell more people. So far only my partner, my therapist, doctor and my partner's sister know. I had been largely successful at appearing mostly normal, but a little odd in some ways, I presented as different, but in control of my choices.

That started to change about 10 years ago, when I began to see that the flow I had been going with was not taking me anywhere. I was not growing and changing like my peers and friends. Some people started treating me differently and my attempts to make changes in my life were utter failures.

Since being diagnosed, I've been putting things back together and getting answers to those perplexing questions. If old friends/extended family are interested and willing to be accepting and caring, I will tell them. For now, I only say that I've had some problems with anxiety and sleep issues (all true) if they pry into how I'm doing. We've had our share of weird behavior, dysfunction and tragedies in my extended family that most of us are receptive to discussing personal problems.

I'm getting a bit weary of secrecy anyways.

That's how I'm beginning to feel. I'm starting to get tired of secrecy.

I've also noticed how some of you have known about your autism at different points in your lives. Me personally, I've always known. Been diagnosed since I was six. Couldn't keep it much a secret then, but then I moved and I kept it close in high school.

I've moved around since then and now I wonder if everybody knew about it there anyway and treated me with understanding because if it. When I tell folks about my condition, yeah they may not know how to react, but I feel now that it is a part of autism awareness to have somebody you know as a friend, or at work, or something like that who has it instead of just lighting it up blue or wearing a puzzle piece. I have the power to educate those who don't fully understand. I believe there's something very powerful in that. I've come to realize that there is always somebody with a relative or friend they know who has it and can represent an educated NT perspective on it too.

Disclosure at work. I know my rights and as long as I'm doing my job and not causing trouble, they can't fire me for being disabled. Besides, an asset is important and I work to be that asset.

I'm not trying to tell people on here how to think or go about their lives, I'm just stating my point of view on the issue

 

[MinorKey]

I tend to be open about my ASD, but I don't advertise it. If I need to be left alone and well meaning people do the opposite, I try to explain to them later on because they do take it personally.

It's hard for some people to understand that if I'm unresponsive, I'm not mad at them or ignoring them to be rude.

 

[Etzelaire]

I am not extremely rare, but I am weird and people notice. I guess that's all to say about it, sometimes I tell people who I sort of care about. I don't know... It's dificult to move in this world.

 

[domestic_Yetti]

I kept my diagnosis secret for years because I was embarrassed. I knew something was different about me and I may have been in denial. As I have aged like a fine wine (HA!) I have come to embrace it more. It also helps people who don't understand to be more patient with me. I don't go around with a sign on me but I have open discussions with people who are on a need to know basis.

 

[On the Inside]

I kept my diagnosis secret for years because I was embarrassed. I knew something was different about me and I may have been in denial. As I have aged like a fine wine (HA!) I have come to embrace it more. It also helps people who don't understand to be more patient with me. I don't go around with a sign on me but I have open discussions with people who are on a need to know basis.

May I ask how long since you were diagnosed? I like your line about how disclosing it helps people be more patient. How well has that been received? I used to be able to rev myself up for dealing with the work a day life, but am finding that not as easy as I have, as you say, aged like a fine wine (might turn to vinegar, soon). It was always physically and mentally taxing, and now I might wish for others to be more patient and adjust their expectations of me.

That would necessitate disclosure.

 

[kris]

I haven't told many people simply because I don't have an official diagnosis.. I am quite confident in my self diagnosis, however and considering going for an official diagnosis so I can feel more open about it. I feel like saying "hey, I think I have autism" comes across quite odd.. whereas being able to say "this is who I am" is a little different. It's something I find myself wanting to talk about more openly.

 

[Manuheleku]

Only immediate family know about my Aspiness. If I was officially diagnosed, I might be more open, but as an adult that's easier said than done. But that's a long story of psychological professionals opting for the easy route, pills and talk. Lately I've been somewhat open with Facebook, my friends who can put 2 and 2 together should be able to infer that I could be autistic by what pages I "like." Of course my Facebook likes are quite eclectic and scattered, so I doubt anyone can put 2 and 2 together about me and come up with the right answer...

 

[sabrdawg]

I'm a loud and proud Aspie

 

[domestic_Yetti]

I was diagnosed in 2006. It took me till last year to come out about it to co-workers and it has been received well for the most part. Lots of questions though because people really don't know anything about AS. I spent so long using my energy to try and fit in and feel (and act) like everyone else; it was exhausting. I have finally just embraced who I am and educated myself and others around me about AS. I'll tell you chat rooms like this really helped me to realize I wasn't a freak. Knowing early probably would have helped me through High School. I still have a hard time making friends still in adulthood and I'm 33. I still haven't mastered the art of socialization.

 

[forstem99]

I made the mistake of 'coming out' at work. Suddenly I receive negative staff assessments ('not a team player')and it's 'would you like to go part-time'.
Whatever legal rules they're obliged to follow, HR departments will do their best to get rid of anyone who might pose a 'problem'.

 

[sabrdawg]

I made the mistake of 'coming out' at work. Suddenly I receive negative staff assessments ('not a team player')and it's 'would you like to go part-time'.
Whatever legal rules they're obliged to follow, HR departments will do their best to get rid of anyone who might pose a 'problem'.

Wow, that's unfortunate My work has treated me no different since coming out as an Aspie. I'm still treated with respect and like a team member. Hopefully they'll learn how to treat people at your job!

 

[Michelle Skigen]

I am very open about it. I also am a special ed teacher, and working on my doctorate in psych. I am a strong advocate for inclusion and the confrontation of biases, prejudices, and ignorance. I ALSO am very open because of the nature of my work. There are times to disclose, and there are times not to do so. Each person, in each unique situation, must make a determination of what is best for them. I WILL say, that for the most part, if you haven't disclosed, people ALREADY see you as different and will already have made a decision about whether they will act accepting toward you or not - the way they show that may change if you "out" yourself - the rejection may be more obvious, or the acceptance may be more upbeat - or not - and invariably, when I "out" myself to someone who has known me for a bit without that revelation already in place, they say "well, yeah, I can see it... this explains a lot." If they know autism, and are accepting. Outing yourself, or not, does not change what they have already decided about you, for the most part, but instead brings it more out into the open.

 

[TSS]

I don't tell people for fear that they will look at me as weirder than they already think I am. Only one member and his spouse know about the Aspergers. The rest of the family just say, "you are so quite and sweet." If they only knew what was going on inside of me. I am just quite around them and others. Try not to make any waves, which I sometimes do without realizing it.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I strongly believe there is a risk of endangering those friendships if I 'come out' as an aspie and absolutely nothing to gain so I will not do it.

If you actually believe that, then they are not real friends. Real friends accept you as you are. You shouldn't have to keep "secrets" about yourself with real friends.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

May I ask how long since you were diagnosed? I like your line about how disclosing it helps people be more patient. How well has that been received? I used to be able to rev myself up for dealing with the work a day life, but am finding that not as easy as I have, as you say, aged like a fine wine (might turn to vinegar, soon). It was always physically and mentally taxing, and now I might wish for others to be more patient and adjust their expectations of me.

That would necessitate disclosure.

I agree coming out to your friends and being honest, but I think bringing out that you are Aspie at work might end up biting you in the butt. I can understand you wishing that people were more patient and understanding, but some might think that you are then not qualified for your job and can't pull your weight - including your boss. Just a thought.

 

[chartreuse]

I didn't tell anyone about having AS until after I was dx'd which was a few weeks after I realised I am. Then it was on the advice of the psychiatrist to tell my Mum, because I wasn't going to tell my Mum, or anybody. After I told her, and went through our usual argument of there being nothing "wrong" with me, I got used to being able to deal with the sometimes annoying responses which follow something along the lines of you seem normal enough. Well, I actually had to study how to communicate whereas you have a natual way of speaking. I have to make an effort where you usually have the freedom to put your energy elsewhere. My attitude has changed a little since those days, however; Now I suppose I feel better about myself and know that if I'm going to tell someone it is a little more like a natural progression to a conversation which is taking place. Such a conversation would include talking about why I have a disability pension (to people who I don't want to discuss mental illness to), or to a person who I'm getting to know in regard to why I behave a certain way (provided I hold the person in high enough regard), like I did the other day when I told someone to excuse my behaviours a&b since they're traits of aspergers, and as such I struggle with them/improving in the area.

I'd like to add: When I'm getting to know people nowadays, I don't find myself wanting to include having aspergers. I think I prefer being an individual, and getting to be known for my individual qualities rather than being bundled into a category of aspie, or even worse having said person pick at symptoms you do, and don't exhibit to determin their opinion. The bottom line is that I feel good about myself in light of having it but on the other hand I don't want others to associate my personality with the diagnosis. This probably sounds a bit silly to some of you but I suppose I'm talking about my perception and how others might view my self image, or something like that, and I don't want others to think I'm "pro-aspie", or anti NT, or whatever.

 

[HiImBob]

I've always been painfully introverted, but lately I've been telling people, when I'm in public situations and I realize that I'm reacting to things in an autistic way and things start to get awkward - "Sorry about my weirdness just now, but I'm autistic and I may not always react the way most people do." So far it's always gotten a good reaction and seems to dispel any tensions that may be building.

And I figure that the more of us that are able to show NTs that we're not so scarey, that we're pretty much like they are, that's got to help out all of us in the long run.

 

[Judge]

I've always been painfully introverted, but lately I've been telling people, when I'm in public situations and I realize that I'm reacting to things in an autistic way and things start to get awkward - "Sorry about my weirdness just now, but I'm autistic and I may not always react the way most people do." So far it's always gotten a good reaction and seems to dispel any tensions that may be building.

And I figure that the more of us that are able to show NTs that we're not so scarey, that we're pretty much like they are, that's got to help out all of us in the long run.

Interesting. I guess I'm just not there yet...to tell a total stranger of being autistic. I almost did not too long ago, but it would have been purely out of anger and frustration...not as any kind of "olive branch".