Sacrifices and Pursuing Goals

[AshenRosesnertheNile]

I'll say it once more; The diagnosis of Social Communication Disorder has helped me accept my myself and my own limitations. Henceforth, I have taken additional care into my own wellbeing and avoid toxic environments and people for my self-care.

Yet, I can't help but wonder. I've made many sacrifices in my life on my road to fulfill my goals. I can't help but wonder if the decisions I've made (to abstain myself from marriage and raising kids) has prevented me from living a fulfilling life.

The best possible answer I give myself is that I'm no oracle and I can't see into the future. Furthermore, I have to make my own decisions and decide which actions are best for my own sake. I guess that is the way of things i suppose.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Unfortunately, we don't get "do overs" in life. Sure, we can fantasize about going back in time, and knowing what we know now, could have put us on a different path in life. We make our choices with the available facts at hand at the time. No sense in beating ourselves up over life's "should have, would have, and could haves". You play the cards that were dealt to you.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I was so determined to be independent that all my energies went to things that would get me out of my parent's house, so my social life suffered far more than it had to. Deciding on an entertainment budget of $5 a week didn't help. But then, I had the time to pursue my interests and learn to live on my own. While that sacrifice hurt in ways I am still discovering all these decades later, at least now I have the resources to do most anything I like without financial burden.

 

[Suzette]

@AshenRosesnertheNile, don't drive yourself crazy with the what if game. The truth is, you can never know. For every "good" thing you imagine you missed out on, there was an equal and opposite "bad" you probably missed out on as well.
And any desicion you have ever made or will make can only to done with the information that you actually have in that moment.
People often imagine that if they had just a little more insight or more information they would have made different choices. But you can't actually know.
You will just drive yourself crazy.
The best you can do, now, in the past and in the future, is to take "regrets" as the sign that you need something you don't have in your present. Figure out what that thing is, then, just as you have always done, make a descicion, to the best if your ability to hept you get that need met now.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Unfortunately, we don't get "do overs" in life. Sure, we can fantasize about going back in time, and knowing what we know now, could have put us on a different path in life. We make our choices with the available facts at hand at the time. No sense in beating ourselves up over life's "should have, would have, and could haves". You play the cards that were dealt to you.

While I agree with you, I find that while I intellectually understand my choices, their tradeoffs, and taking what happened to me as fact, emotionally I am consumed by anger and resentment at my loneliness, towards family and teachers who could see my isolation and offered no help, as well as those peers, knowing my isolation, who would cruelly regale me with their sexual exploits. It makes me feel that I want to physically harm somebody to have them feel the pain I experienced.

[Edit] I just don't know how to go from that intellectual understanding to reconciling my emotions. It is as if I could never obtain true closure about my loneliness or grieve that this happened to me. I really do not have any male friend who is close enough that I'd feel comfortable talking these things over with.

 

[Wulven]

Better question to ask. Is if you had married could you have handled the stress, responsibility, and drama? Over a prolonged period of time?

 

[Tom]

It's ok to limit people exposure. I certainly do. But if a person comes along that you are interested in getting to know and possibly close with, I'd say give it a go.

The idea of limiting exposure is a way of maintaining balance and minimizing stress. But having a person you are close with can actually help with that. It just has to be the right kind of person. Not all relationships are doomed to failure.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

According to your profile, you're only 28 years old. You're still young. Men don't usually settle down until they're older. It's okay. You're establishing yourself. It's commendable. And if you never marry, that's absolutely fine too.

But it sounds like you do wish you could marry and have children, so here is an old Amish proverb: May you be blessed with a fraa who loves you, and a haus full of kinner.

Don't be in any rush. Enjoy your youth, and work towards your goals. It's a good thing.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

According to your profile, you're only 28 years old. You're still young. Men don't usually marry and have children until older. It's okay. You're establishing yourself. It's commendable. And if you never marry, that's absolutely fine too.

But it sounds like you do wish you could marry and have children, so here is an old Amish proverb: May you be blessed with a fraa who loves you, and a haus full of kinner.

Don't be in any rush. Enjoy your youth, and work towards your goals. It's a good thing.

EXACTLY! Social delay is common with ASD. But things can happen quickly. At 27 I thought that I'd never have an intimate relationship, at 28 I finally lost my virginity, and at 29 was married. And it has been an adventure for 42 years.

 

[Tom]

EXACTLY! Social delay is common with ASD. But things can happen quickly. At 27 I thought that I'd never have an intimate relationship, at 28 I finally lost my virginity, and at 29 was married. And it has been an adventure for 42 years.

Did you ever find it again?

 

[Suzette]

[Edit] I just don't know how to go from that intellectual understanding to reconciling my emotions. It is as if I could never obtain true closure about my loneliness or grieve that this happened to me. I really do not have any male friend who is close enough that I'd feel comfortable talking these things over with.

One day about 12 years ago I realized that I had spent my life looking at my resentments with a magnifying glass. The more I looked, bigger and more insurmountable my feelings seemed. And then I had the extraordinary experience of acidentally seeing the room beyond the macro focus of the magnifying glass. And I realized that this thing I had been so focused on wasn't actually the entire world. It was a speck in a much bigger place and I could choose to look away if I wanted to. So I did look away. I have never been happier. I hope you can see beyong your magnifying glass too.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Did you ever find it again?

No, but it felt like a burden had been lifted that somebody could accept me that way.

 

[Tom]

No, but it felt like a burden had been lifted that somebody could accept me that way.

Same

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

One day about 12 years ago I realized that I had spent my life looking at my resentments with a magnifying glass. The more I looked, bigger and more insurmountable my feelings seemed. And then I had the extraordinary experience of acidentally seeing the room beyond the macro focus of the magnifying glass. And I realized that this thing I had been so focused on wasn't actually the entire world. It was a speck in a much bigger place and I could choose to look away if I wanted to. So I did look away. I have never been happier. I hope you can see beyong your magnifying glass too.

Thank you, I have to digest this.

My problem is that even circumstances or being with people that remind me of that time and I get a wave of some emotions washing over me; anger, intense anxiety. Last Sunday I attended a luncheon in honor of my mother since with the Canadian border open we were able to inter her in her family's plot. While i was proud that I was able to say something nice about her, the mere fact of being with my siblings, all who had multiple sexual partners at a time that I could not have that basic human need met, has left me angry and agitated this whole week. I do not know how not-to feel those emotions.

 

[Au Naturel]

While I agree with you, I find that while I intellectually understand my choices, their tradeoffs, and taking what happened to me as fact, emotionally I am consumed by anger and resentment at my loneliness, towards family and teachers who could see my isolation and offered no help, as well as those peers, knowing my isolation, who would cruelly regale me with their sexual exploits. It makes me feel that I want to physically harm somebody to have them feel the pain I experienced.

[Edit] I just don't know how to go from that intellectual understanding to reconciling my emotions. It is as if I could never obtain true closure about my loneliness or grieve that this happened to me. I really do not have any male friend who is close enough that I'd feel comfortable talking these things over with.

Letting go of the past is the most important thing any human can do to be happy - or at least ok - in the present. At least you know your anger is harming you and is irrational and that there's no benefit to it.

A lot of people believe that their anger is a necessary and good thing because if you aren't angry, you're letting "them" off the hook. In reality, the only person "on the hook" is the angry one. Bitterness is a poison you swallow because you want to hurt the other person. It gives the people you are angry at power to control you long after they are gone.

Deep-seated anger is not a part of one's intellectual makeup. You may think it is rational but it is not. It is seated squarely in the amygdala, the reptile part of the brain responsible for primitive emotions like fear, anger, and lust. It has a very long memory and is also where PTSD lives. Reliving that anger over and over does not release it. Instead, it reinforces the same neural pathway to keep it strong. You want it to go extinct by refusing to let it dominate. It will take years.

I would recommend studying Zen Buddhism, or even classical Stoicism. Most people reject the power of philosophy to change a life. I spent the last 40 years figuring it out for myself only to learn someone else had been there before and left a trail of breadcrumbs.

By all means, seek out therapy to assist you. I recommend Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), or Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), particularly one who is a practitioner of Radical Acceptance.

Good luck in your future efforts!

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Letting go of the past is the most important thing any human can do to be happy - or at least ok - in the present. At least you know your anger is harming you and is irrational and that there's no benefit to it.

A lot of people believe that their anger is a necessary and good thing because if you aren't angry, you're letting "them" off the hook. In reality, the only person "on the hook" is the angry one. Bitterness is a poison you swallow because you want to hurt the other person. It gives the people you are angry at power to control you long after they are gone.

Deep-seated anger is not a part of one's intellectual makeup. You may think it is rational but it is not. It is seated squarely in the amygdala, the reptile part of the brain responsible for primitive emotions like fear, anger, and lust. It has a very long memory and is also where PTSD lives. Reliving that anger over and over does not release it. Instead, it reinforces the same neural pathway to keep it strong. You want it to go extinct by refusing to let it dominate. It will take years.

I would recommend studying Zen Buddhism, or even classical Stoicism. Most people reject the power of philosophy to change a life. I spent the last 40 years figuring it out for myself only to learn someone else had been there before and left a trail of breadcrumbs.

By all means, seek out therapy to assist you. I recommend Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), or Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), particularly one who is a practitioner of Radical Acceptance.

Good luck in your future efforts!

Thank you. I am doing CBT and not finding it easy. A problem is my too easily ascribing malisciousness to the way I feel I was treated, and I need to break that thought process. I think stoicism would probably mesh with my values more, so it looks like I have a bit of studying and perhaps learning to do.

 

[Au Naturel]

Thank you. I am doing CBT and not finding it easy. A problem is my too easily ascribing malisciousness to the way I feel I was treated, and I need to break that thought process. I think stoicism would probably mesh with my values more, so it looks like I have a bit of studying and perhaps learning to do.

Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity or ignorance. Don't rule it out - but malice requires a smoking gun, so to speak. There are far more stupid, ignorant, or simply unempathetic people in the world than there are malicious ones. The malicious person wants to see you cry. Most of the time it would never occur to the other types to think about your emotional state because NTs have much thicker skins about such things than Aspies.

When I look back at my childhood, if I am honest with myself I see that the kind of social roughhousing that left me feeling crushed was fairly common between NTs. They are constantly testing each other to determine a social pecking order. You see this sort of thing in all social animals, not just humans.

There really isn't any point in getting angry over malice either. Unless there is something you can realistically do about it, walking away is always the better solution.

 

[Jordy]

Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity or ignorance. Don't rule it out - but malice requires a smoking gun, so to speak. There are far more stupid, ignorant, or simply unempathetic people in the world than there are malicious ones. The malicious person wants to see you cry. Most of the time it would never occur to the other types to think about your emotional state because NTs have much thicker skins about such things than Aspies.

When I look back at my childhood, if I am honest with myself I see that the kind of social roughhousing that left me feeling crushed was fairly common between NTs. They are constantly testing each other to determine a social pecking order. You see this sort of thing in all social animals, not just humans.

There really isn't any point in getting angry over malice either. Unless there is something you can realistically do about it, walking away is always the better solution.

Staying away from groups that do a lot of "pecking" would still be the best course of action in my opinion. I simply don't function in a group of more than 3 people regardless of the pecking, and I don't enjoy it either.