I want to raise the question of ‘passing’, knowing that it has been dealt with in various ways,
but nevertheless, I want to raise it for a specific reason. Today people with hidden disabilities are said to pass when they present in a way that conceals any signs of their disability. Passing is often demanded by society, and sometimes becomes second nature as we learn various little tricks so as to be accepted.
I am from the ‘lost generation’ of Aspies who never knew that Asperger's existed, or what it encompassed. Thus, if one actually had this ‘disability’ (I believe this is a misnomer) then there was no recognition thereof. So, even though I realised that I was dramatically different in many ways, and could not change, I simply had to fit in and make sure that I made my life as ‘normal’ as possible. The demand was also to find a career and make a success of it.
It is difficult to decide on what ‘normal’ is in a world that is decidedly messed up, with very few people who classify as ‘normal’. Anyway, who defines ‘normal’ and on what basis? So, a neurotypical ‘normal’ is my abnormal. This adds to the burden of being able to pass, with messed up people telling me how to be ‘normal’. The irony is that even neurotypical people learn to pass in order to hide their own issues.
Nevertheless, i am soon to 'retire', I have led what would be defined as a ‘successful’ life in that I achieved well in my chosen career. However, at what cost? I have found it to be an incredibly difficult path to have walked, largely feeling like I was the cursed princess in the movie ‘Shrek’. Of course, It turns out to be the ogre who was cursed – the curse being to have to live as a princess in order to be accepted by society - and even desire that. My apologies to those who have not seen the movie, as well as for the unfortunate analogy, but these simple movies sometimes make a poignant point, even though the principles are seldom adhered to in life. In short, I felt like an ogre passing as a princess. An 'ogre' is quite normal to other 'ogres.'
So, in passing I have still felt the pain of lying to myself, forcing myself into a predetermined mold - the one who I refer to as my 'impostor'. I was not accepted as ‘normal’, was still regarded as the odd one out, different, could not be accepted into the inner circles of the university in which I worked, regarded as cold, awkward, abrupt, standoffish, eccentric. Even though I became head of my department, I felt the constant pressure from those who ostracized me. It affected my health, my mental state, as well as my own sense of self.
So, I did not really pass at all because my differences were identified and labeled. I pulled off a great passing act at work and then paid for it dearly. I would take on the full workload of a professor throughout the year and end up overwhelmed to the point of illness, but mainly because of the mental games that are played in passing. I also had to cope with my own psychological problems in the midst of all this. I was constantly confused in the battle to fit, knowing that I am different, but feeling that my differences were wrong, and told so by people around me. I never considered autism or Asperger's simply because I was never pointed in that direction. Anyway, to my generation, to admit to any such classification, or to disclose it is simply infradig.
The pressure to pass can be intense, and can certainly be very destructive. What is worst of all is that it robs us of true identity - who we really are, and being at peace with that. That is a difficult question to answer: who am I? – the answer comes over a lifelong journeying, if at all. However, passing disguises one, cloaks one in some sort of ideal which is not real self. After my ‘successful’ career, I find that I have not been successful at all – I feel that I have given too much to someone who I am not. I betrayed myself, and feel the intense pain of that, and suffer the consequences at this stage, too intense to detail.
So, these are some of my personal comments, experiences, and opinions, and I would be interested in your own – even though it may be well worn territory.
.
