Datura
Well-Known Member
As those who are familiar with me may know, I have struggled with the question of weather or not I am on the spectrum for some time.
Despite resolving to talk to my psychiatrist about my suspicions, I have not done so as I fear being labeled a hypochondriac. I frequently dither as to my verdict as I can meet every fact supporting of my diagnosis with a valid counterpoint.
It is also remarkable the mental anguish this lingering question has caused me. I do not see being autistic as an intrinsic negative, and I am fine with being neurotypical, yet the lingering ambiguity gnaws at me. So why leave myself in suspense?
While I may not be autistic, I have been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder. My "aspian" traits may mark me as a bit odd, but along with depression, OCD is the most debilitating force in my life. And yes, I realize that OCD is commonly comorbid with ASD. The two possibilities are far from mutually exclusive.
Just today I was reading some posts on an OCD forum about people struggling with their sexual identities. To me, it seems like a strange thing to obsess about, but the profile of their obsession was familiar. They constantly questioned themselves, convincing themselves they were gay, and then recanting, only to go through the same cycle, over and over.
Even when there was little or not evidence to support their suspicions they couldn't help but ruminate on the question. Most disconcerting was the fact that a concrete answer still didn't satisfy their obsession. Even knowing, on an intellectual level, exactly what their sexual orientation was, they were still haunted by ambiguity and feelings of shame.
I fear that even if I do go for a professional assessment that it will resolve nothing for me. It will give me an answer, but it won't stop me from feeling simultaneously like an outsider to the NT world and an imposter among aspies. It won't prevent me from obsessing over weird things, like weather or not I am making eye contact, the size of my childhood social circle, or weather or not my interests are "special" enough.
So where do I go from here? How do I deal with this in a healthy manner?
Does anybody else struggle with thoughts like this?
Despite resolving to talk to my psychiatrist about my suspicions, I have not done so as I fear being labeled a hypochondriac. I frequently dither as to my verdict as I can meet every fact supporting of my diagnosis with a valid counterpoint.
It is also remarkable the mental anguish this lingering question has caused me. I do not see being autistic as an intrinsic negative, and I am fine with being neurotypical, yet the lingering ambiguity gnaws at me. So why leave myself in suspense?
While I may not be autistic, I have been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder. My "aspian" traits may mark me as a bit odd, but along with depression, OCD is the most debilitating force in my life. And yes, I realize that OCD is commonly comorbid with ASD. The two possibilities are far from mutually exclusive.
Just today I was reading some posts on an OCD forum about people struggling with their sexual identities. To me, it seems like a strange thing to obsess about, but the profile of their obsession was familiar. They constantly questioned themselves, convincing themselves they were gay, and then recanting, only to go through the same cycle, over and over.
Even when there was little or not evidence to support their suspicions they couldn't help but ruminate on the question. Most disconcerting was the fact that a concrete answer still didn't satisfy their obsession. Even knowing, on an intellectual level, exactly what their sexual orientation was, they were still haunted by ambiguity and feelings of shame.
I fear that even if I do go for a professional assessment that it will resolve nothing for me. It will give me an answer, but it won't stop me from feeling simultaneously like an outsider to the NT world and an imposter among aspies. It won't prevent me from obsessing over weird things, like weather or not I am making eye contact, the size of my childhood social circle, or weather or not my interests are "special" enough.
So where do I go from here? How do I deal with this in a healthy manner?
Does anybody else struggle with thoughts like this?