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OCD and pseudo-Hypocondriasis

Datura

Well-Known Member
As those who are familiar with me may know, I have struggled with the question of weather or not I am on the spectrum for some time.

Despite resolving to talk to my psychiatrist about my suspicions, I have not done so as I fear being labeled a hypochondriac. I frequently dither as to my verdict as I can meet every fact supporting of my diagnosis with a valid counterpoint.

It is also remarkable the mental anguish this lingering question has caused me. I do not see being autistic as an intrinsic negative, and I am fine with being neurotypical, yet the lingering ambiguity gnaws at me. So why leave myself in suspense?

While I may not be autistic, I have been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder. My "aspian" traits may mark me as a bit odd, but along with depression, OCD is the most debilitating force in my life. And yes, I realize that OCD is commonly comorbid with ASD. The two possibilities are far from mutually exclusive.

Just today I was reading some posts on an OCD forum about people struggling with their sexual identities. To me, it seems like a strange thing to obsess about, but the profile of their obsession was familiar. They constantly questioned themselves, convincing themselves they were gay, and then recanting, only to go through the same cycle, over and over.

Even when there was little or not evidence to support their suspicions they couldn't help but ruminate on the question. Most disconcerting was the fact that a concrete answer still didn't satisfy their obsession. Even knowing, on an intellectual level, exactly what their sexual orientation was, they were still haunted by ambiguity and feelings of shame.

I fear that even if I do go for a professional assessment that it will resolve nothing for me. It will give me an answer, but it won't stop me from feeling simultaneously like an outsider to the NT world and an imposter among aspies. It won't prevent me from obsessing over weird things, like weather or not I am making eye contact, the size of my childhood social circle, or weather or not my interests are "special" enough.

So where do I go from here? How do I deal with this in a healthy manner?
Does anybody else struggle with thoughts like this?
 
My MFA son takes medicine for his compulsiveness. If you did the same thing, wouldn't it help you to be more objective?
 
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It likely would. I am taking drugs for anxiety and depression, but nothing specifically for my compulsions.
 
I had CBT for OCD, and found that incredibly helpful. They also taught us about mindfulness, which I have found really useful since the CBT. Maybe this is something you could consider/try.
 
I fear that even if I do go for a professional assessment that it will resolve nothing for me. It will give me an answer, but it won't stop me from feeling simultaneously like an outsider to the NT world and an imposter among aspies. It won't prevent me from obsessing over weird things, like weather or not I am making eye contact, the size of my childhood social circle, or weather or not my interests are "special" enough.
I've been diagnosed and still feel as you do occasionally. I don't think that ever goes away-it's part of the condition for some of us, especially those whose (like me) lifetime obsession was finding the answer to why I had such a hard time with everything that seemed effortless for my friends and business associates.

Even when you're diagnosed, that doubt can still nag you, but only if you let it -- because nobody really cares whether or not I'm autistic but me. And I know. If somebody says they think I am wrong or faking it, I'll cut them out of my life without a thought (as many Aspies are quite capable of doing).

I think you should go for it if you are financially able. I don't see a downside for you. Best wishes and good luck.
 
Thanks for your post Datura. TBH, you have outlined a lot of my concerns in it and it is nice in a way to know there is someone else out there who is going through the same thought patterns. I am in a similar situation in that I am not diagnosed as Aspie, however to my mind it fits in better with my symptoms and experience of life and this is something my mother concurs with (which in itself is amazing). My current psychologist has recently told me that I suffer from OCD tendencies and this is no surprise to me as I struggled a lot with OCD symptoms in my late teens. Meanwhile I have been researching, taking online tests and reading about other people's experiences as a female with Asperger's and found that I really seem to "fit the mould". I haven't breathed a word of my suspicion to my current psych because she would just send me away with another prescription and not address the concern I have. Plus I have concerns about the concern in that I wonder sometimes if I am a hypochondriac or suffering Munchausen syndrome...which is stupid because I know I am experiencing difficulties with life and have a hereditary predisposition to mental health issues, without the situational influences on top of it. But that doesn't stop me wondering, thinking, racing thoughts etc about it. For myself and my own piece of mind I am thinking of contacting an ASD specialist clinic to get diagnosed (or not) so I can try and understand myself and help others to understand me and hopefully live a better life. Sorry if my sentences are a bit incoherent.
 

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