NTs want to spend too much time together

[Butterfly88]

I want to date, but there's one problem. After an hour of socialization, I've had it. Lots of people like to hang out for hours at a time though. If I just go home after an hour I won't look interested. But I am interested. Should I just say I'm an introvert? Maybe I can try to date introverts?

Also, I was talking to this girl I might want to date (yes, I'm bisexual) via chatting on What's App for a while and I was just so stressed and didn't enjoy it. She's too clingy, talks for too long at once. But she was flirting with me and I liked that.

I guess I could date an aspie but I haven't met any cute ones yet. Should I give up trying to date NTs? Any advice?

 

[As sweet as-pie]

I know what you mean, socialisation drains me. I don't think you should give up with NT's all together though, not all of them like to spend extended amounts of time with people, some of them are introverted just like some aspies are. I think that you should go for the people who you may want to date, but make sure they know how you feel in terms of socialisation for long periods of time, and if they don't respect that, then they're not the one for you. You'll be able to find someone who you can connect to who also can either relate to you in that way or at least respects it. Put yourself first and don't stay in situations which make you stressed, hang in there and you'll find someone. Hope this helped.

 

[Suzanne]

The idea of socialising is wonderful to me, but the fact is that when I do get the chance, I rarely enjoy myself and cannot wait to get away and even this transfers to those who have no trouble, like a friend who went to a wedding and stayed the night, due to it being a long drive there and she got in touch to say she was about to go dancing and I honestly felt freaked out and wonder how the heck she can do it? Of course, I never say.

To be honest, I spend so much time on my own, due to my husband working a lot, that when I do get a bit of company I value that company, but only with a few who I feel comfortable with.

I am in hospital currently and it is really testing my aspie brain. Have been in for nearly a week and so want to go home.

 

[Warmheart]

I also get drained quickly by socializing. Whew!

Is your goal to eventually cohabit, to share a home? If an hour around someone drains you, then you might need to rethink what/how the eventual outcome would be.

My late hubby and I shared a home, but gave each other frequent solitude breaks to enjoy our respective interests. We'd often spend quality time together in between solitude breaks, cooking, cuddling, going for walks, running errands together. Plenty of close togetherness, plenty of solitude. A nice balance!

We have to consider how much alone time we need. In many cases it can be managed, and in such a way that our mate feels welcome, deeply loved and wanted. For some though, might need to live alone. Dating helps us see how much solitude we need.

 

[midlife aspie]

Couldn't agree more with you Warmheart. I spent most of my life trying to do the things 'normal' people do, because I thought that I was normal but a late bloomer. I did not put things together until I found AS, and now I understand why I always wanted to be apart from other people, and looking back, I was always happier having a place that was SOLELY mine with no prospect of intrusion by others without my leave. Now all of those things I did to be 'normal' (long term relationship, marriage, owning homes, having kids) have trapped me in a situation that may drive me bonkers. I have come to realize that I much prefer solitude over human company something to the order of 75% to 25% of the time respectively. This has not endeared me to my wife and in-laws much. My wife tends to call me "Mr. Grump" at times. The truth is, when I have to cater to other people in my home, my me time is under threat and that irritates me. Even having my own 'cave' is inadequate due to the need to be available without notice to attend to family 'emergencies'. I love my family, and want to support them, but I have no desire to be doped up on meds the rest of my days in order to save my sanity.

 

[garnetflower13]

It seems the world is set up that way; for people to expect too much face time. Even when shopping on Amazon, there is a choice to tell my "friends" what I have purchased. This has always puzzled me, because why would anyone care what I am shopping for? Or, do I need the emotional support of friends to buy a bottle of vitamins? Most self help articles always assume that one has a cache of friends on call to consult with over everything from a hangnail to relationship problems. I see people shopping with friends, and that would drive me crazy if I had serious shopping to do and someone was chattering away about something or other.

As for dating, the best advice I have ever heard was that on the initial date, only plan to have coffee or something and spend no more than twenty minutes together. Then you can go home and process the experience and know if you want to meet again, for a longer period of time. The worst thing for us Aspies and introverts to do is take on the stress of a whole movie, or a restaurant meal on the first date.

 

[Warmheart]

In order to truly engage to the best of my ability, I need to build "buffer zones of recovery solitude" around every event which has
Any social interaction at all (including doc visits, chatty store clerk, etc.)
Any mental processing challenges (taking the bus to grocery shop)
Any situations where events are out of my control (waiting for someone else to call, arrive, go somewhere)
Any situation that restricts my stimming, movement, freedom to come and go as I need to

Buffer zones of recovery solitude need to be planned on either side of these events. That is not always possible.
Aspies/Autoes can be like seat cushions who squish down with too many pressing events, changes in plans, unmet expectations, and socializing is for me the biggest drain. Solitude allows the cushion to return to it's original shape.

Want to date an Aspie/Autie? Proactively build in those recovery solitude buffer zones so we can heal and recharge. We will be refreshed and so happy to see you again!

 

[midlife aspie]

I will say that early in my relationship/marriage, I worked 40 hrs /wk during the day and she worked 32hr weeks second shift. I also attended college part time. She complained that we did not get enough time together, although I rather liked having the place to myself (with our dogs, which I loved). I felt that if I made it clear that I liked being home alone, she would think I did not love her. Our relationship started out long distance, and simply having the thought that an SO existed for me was adequate, and I went about my life uninterrupted until I moved. Now childcare is top priority and someone is around 24/7 and the only me time I get outside of work is when I check my eyelids for leaks.

 

[crisscross]

Hi Butterfly88,

I am an NT but can understand what you feel during a get-together that lasts for hours

I want to date, but there's one problem. After an hour of socialization, I've had it. Lots of people like to hang out for hours at a time though. If I just go home after an hour I won't look interested. But I am interested. Should I just say I'm an introvert? Maybe I can try to date introverts?

It is also sometimes quite exhausting for me to talk for hours with people at a party (even worse with loud music) or at other places. From time to time I try to withdraw myself from the company of others to have a break to recover from the stimulus satiation. At parties, I go out occasionally to have some fresh air and enjoy the silence if possible.

If you have a 1:1 rendezvous it is more difficult to do that. In such situations I go to the rest room to have some minutes for myself. Or I suggest to my friend to have a walk and ask for some minutes without any conversation. If that doesn't work in your case talk about your problem openly and honestly. Tell your dating partner that you can't talk for hours. You'll find a solution.

Should I give up trying to date NTs? Any advice?

You could also try to meet with a small group of people so you don't have to talk and listen all the time. Don't give up, there are NTs with similar problems. Why not seeking for introverted NTs? The problem is they are fewer in numbers, only 25 of 100 people are introverted.

But as you may know: Less is more, especially in the case of friends or mates

 

[clg114]

In order to truly engage to the best of my ability, I need to build "buffer zones of recovery solitude" around every event which has
Any social interaction at all (including doc visits, chatty store clerk, etc.)
Any mental processing challenges (taking the bus to grocery shop)
Any situations where events are out of my control (waiting for someone else to call, arrive, go somewhere)
Any situation that restricts my stimming, movement, freedom to come and go as I need to

Buffer zones of recovery solitude need to be planned on either side of these events. That is not always possible.
Aspies/Autoes can be like seat cushions who squish down with too many pressing events, changes in plans, unmet expectations, and socializing is for me the biggest drain. Solitude allows the cushion to return to it's original shape.

Want to date an Aspie/Autie? Proactively build in those recovery solitude buffer zones so we can heal and recharge. We will be refreshed and so happy to see you again!

One of the many, many wonderful things about my wife is that she not only understands my need for alone time, she makes sure that I get it. This is important since we have a very large family. She makes sure that my "cushion returns to it's original shape". (I love that analogy).

 

[Judge]

I want to date, but there's one problem. After an hour of socialization, I've had it. Lots of people like to hang out for hours at a time though. If I just go home after an hour I won't look interested. But I am interested. Should I just say I'm an introvert? Maybe I can try to date introverts?

Also, I was talking to this girl I might want to date (yes, I'm bisexual) via chatting on What's App for a while and I was just so stressed and didn't enjoy it. She's too clingy, talks for too long at once. But she was flirting with me and I liked that.

I guess I could date an aspie but I haven't met any cute ones yet. Should I give up trying to date NTs? Any advice?

Seems to be a classic trait of autism. One that makes life precarious for most of us having to contend with a Neurotypical world. The most important thing is that you are self-aware of such a critical trait. The "good news". The "bad news" is that while you may well best get on with your own kind, we more or less only constitute two percent of the population (according to the CDC).
So limiting your scope of social contacts and excluding NTs might not be practical.

Even when I can rarely enjoy myself for several hours with those I truly appreciate, nevertheless I'm exhausted by it. That NEVER changes and at least in my own case I know it never will.

I suppose the real trick is in being able to explain this to someone (in time without rushing it all) to where they can accept it as your neurological reality and not any kind of personal slight towards them. This is critical, as it seems NTs are so prone to assuming this reflects on them and not us. So you'll need to reinforce this constantly until they achieve some kind of comfort level.

But only after an hour? Hmmmm. That could be problematic. It might be best not to quantify such a thing to those you choose to explain it to. Just my advice.

 

[garnetflower13]

Aspies/Autoes can be like seat cushions who squish down with too many pressing events, changes in plans, unmet expectations, and socializing is for me the biggest drain. Solitude allows the cushion to return to it's original shape.

I love this analogy!

Want to date an Aspie/Autie? Proactively build in those recovery solitude buffer zones so we can heal and recharge. We will be refreshed and so happy to see you again!

Definitely true!

 

[Butterfly88]

Thank you everyone!