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Might my girlfriend have aspergers

I've never heard of logic backed by feelings before, that seems terribly un-AS to me.
 
gemista2014 said:
Dear Nisik, Roy,
Thanks so much for your helpful comments.
Roy, so much that you say rings true. She doesn't seem to hear things that are said or quickly forgets them. She has chronic single focus. She is also extremely sensitive. She will fight with me and say terrible things but in her eyes she isn't fighting; I'm the one who is fighting by maintaining my innocence. I am not aggressive but she behaves and speaks to me as though I'm always starting fights with her (she starts them by accusing me of saying, doing, or meaning things of which I'm innocent). She's really sensitive - you have to either soak it up and not react (which makes her lose all respect for you) or maintain your innocence (which drives her to become more abusive and to maintain that you're a dreadful man who starts all these fights). She can't take gentle comments but feels she's under attack. On one occasion i asked if she would like to go shopping to which she replied that she had no money. "Me neither," I replied and we drove home. I endured hours of passive aggressive silent treatment before she finally burst into tears and told me how awful I was for accusing her of spending all my money. When I protested that I had never said such a thing she then catalogued all the other times when id supposedly said this to her - all due to her hyper sensitivity. I hugged her but nothing changed - she was convinced i had said this.
It's an abusive relationship, you are right. Whatever it is is bigger than aspergers but at least I have a place to start. When she's not being abusive she is an incredible woman. But abusive she certainly is.
Click to expand...

Yeah that's not right, someone like that I don't think will ever change, and it most likely will only get worse.
Abuse never gets better.
 
gemista2014 said:
Dear Nisik, Roy,
Thanks so much for your helpful comments.
Roy, so much that you say rings true. She doesn't seem to hear things that are said or quickly forgets them. She has chronic single focus. She is also extremely sensitive. She will fight with me and say terrible things but in her eyes she isn't fighting; I'm the one who is fighting by maintaining my innocence. I am not aggressive but she behaves and speaks to me as though I'm always starting fights with her (she starts them by accusing me of saying, doing, or meaning things of which I'm innocent). She's really sensitive - you have to either soak it up and not react (which makes her lose all respect for you) or maintain your innocence (which drives her to become more abusive and to maintain that you're a dreadful man who starts all these fights). She can't take gentle comments but feels she's under attack. On one occasion i asked if she would like to go shopping to which she replied that she had no money. "Me neither," I replied and we drove home. I endured hours of passive aggressive silent treatment before she finally burst into tears and told me how awful I was for accusing her of spending all my money. When I protested that I had never said such a thing she then catalogued all the other times when id supposedly said this to her - all due to her hyper sensitivity. I hugged her but nothing changed - she was convinced i had said this.
It's an abusive relationship, you are right. Whatever it is is bigger than aspergers but at least I have a place to start. When she's not being abusive she is an incredible woman. But abusive she certainly is.
Click to expand...

The more you tell us, the more I really feel for you and see just how tough this situation is (btw, if you read the site I linked to above about abusive traits, you will see hypersensitivity listed there). You have an amazingly positive attitude and a kind heart. If you want to help her, do what you need to do to be at peace with yourself, but do be ready to leave if she doesn't try to improve. You deserve someone who works as hard to improve your relationship as you do, and ultimately, it may be the last thing you can do to help her.

Hoping the best for you both. Even if it's not strictly/only related to Asperger's, you are still welcome here, and feel free to PM me anytime.
 
If she is AS and isn't aware of it, she's probably really frustrated. For this situation a diagnosis might be helpful because it will help her understand why she is how she is and start to work on ways to reduce the overstimulation. I used to have some of the same reactions to stuff, but now knowing that those are AS triggers for me and being able to avoid them, I have had a dramatic decrease in meltdowns. I hope things work out for you both!
 
Suiseki, Roy, Cerulean,
Thank you very much.
I'm going to try to raise aspergers with her on Friday and see where we get.
It may be that she becomes angry and defensive, or it may be that she listens. I'm also going to suggest counselling because whether or not she is aspergic, there are other issues too.
I remember the first time I let her and she was so shy and tongue-tied she could barely speak. And I see what she is like when she's angry and cannot put the two together.
 
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To Gemista We all really hope it works out for you on Friday and that you get a positive response
 
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