Light bulb moment. NT married to an undiagnosed Aspie

[Apple28]

I've been with my NT partner for 30 years, and there has always been a barrier between us - we have never really understood each other's worlds, but that hasn't got in the way of loving one another. We just always kept trying. We recently stumbled onto something new that could help us communicate in the same space and promised real understanding... It's been an amazing few months, learning the ropes. I honestly never expected things could change between us, so I've been taken rather by surprise that they have. You might like to read my blog - it tells the story. chris-russell's Blog | Asperger's & Autism Forum
Particularly relevant are the posts called: 'A special sort of kind', 'Stranger in a strange land', and 'An illuminating experience.'
All the best to you both!

Wow! I will definitely check out your blog. Thank you so much for your reply. It's so good to read a heartening story.

 

[Chris Russell]

Having read your comment, I was about to write "He's lucky to have such an understanding partner" but that seems inadequate when I know exactly how rare true understanding of ASD is, especially amongst the NT community. I have a wonderful husband, but even we lacked a real understanding of each-other's worlds until very recently (I'm still getting my head around what a profound change has occurred...) and now I know it is possible, I cannot wait to get the information disseminated among this community. We despair of ever being understood and this could change everything. We're still getting the training for psychotherapists finalised for presentation at a National Conference for therapists here in the UK, but it's gonna be huge. The key is that, if he understands and is understood by the woman he loves, unconditionally, then all those other anxieties around those conditional relationships like work, school etc. seem much less important...

 

[Apple28]

You're very kind. I can totally relate to what you are saying. It's one thing to do the best you can but there is a peacefulness that comes from UNDERSTANDING that makes everything much more fluid. I think it's a tremendous service sharing your experience and insight so passionately. I'm sure many people are going to find it valuable. I get a lot of "aha moments" reading all your posts

 

[Rich Gray]

Please note that there is a difference between anger and frustration. This is a distinction that many cannot seem to grasp.

I am not angry when I am frustrated, but others do not know this. Ask him if he is angry or frustrated. It could help if these two ideas are getting jumbled.

 

[Rich Gray]

I have ASD, and my wife is NT. ASD is genetic. My grandfather, and cousin likely had it. My sister and her son likely has it. We have two children and one is likely on the high functioning end (like we all were or are). The high IQ can be a blessing, and the ASD can be annoying for all involved (I know I am annoyed at times when people think I am cheating or stealing based on my odd body language or lack of eye contact).

I am grateful that I have my two children. One I think is functionally high on the spectrum. I have a feeling that she will become a scientist and/or artist (she is obsessed with rainbows and light).

I think that ASD is on the rise in part because we place such a high value on IQ. Computer programmers and engineers are seen as successful, earn a nice living, and are seen as desirable mates. I think this is resulting in more folks with ASD. Case in point a GERMAN dude noticed all the little kids running around with traits that seem to make damned good scientists. Those Germans were obsessed with math, science and engineering. They apparently had ASD kids running around like crazy.

ASD folks have likely been around for quite some time. We can add value, but this comes at a price.

 

[Apple28]

Please note that there is a difference between anger and frustration. This is a distinction that many cannot seem to grasp.

I am not angry when I am frustrated, but others do not know this. Ask him if he is angry or frustrated. It could help if these two ideas are getting jumbled.

Yes I've come to this realisation with time and it can definitely be challenging to not immediately want to scream "really you're becoming angry about THIS!" because of course that just makes someone shut down and then the disconnection feels widened

 

[Apple28]

I have ASD, and my wife is NT. ASD is genetic. My grandfather, and cousin likely had it. My sister and her son likely has it. We have two children and one is likely on the high functioning end (like we all were or are). The high IQ can be a blessing, and the ASD can be annoying (I know I am annoyed at times when people think I am cheating or stealing based on my odd body language or lack of eye contact)

I am grateful that I have my two children. The one I think is functionally high on the spectrum I have a feeling will become a scientist (she is obsessed with rainbows and light).

I think that ASD is on the rise in part because we place such a high value on IQ. Computer programmers and engineers are seen as successful, earn a nice living, and are seen as desirable mates. I think this is resulting in more folks with ASD. Case in point a GERMAN dude noticed all the little kids running around with traits that seem to make damned good scientists. Those Germans are/were obsessed with science and engineering.

ASD folks have likely been around for quite some time. We can add value, but this comes at a price.

That's an interesting observation. I've also wondered sometimes about kids or men who labelled "mommies boys". I was thinking maybe some of them are on the spectrum and the mother just learns to "compromise/give in" because initially maybe they're not aware. Then the child goes undiagnosed. Of course it could apply to girls too but I think girls are "expected" to be "spoiled" to a certain extent so this is not picked up as quickly and so on. Of course I know some kids or people are just spoiled period.

I was thinking of this because I learnt a lot just from watching how my mother in law interacts with my husband even his dad to a certain extent. This was early on when we started dating and I think it helped just because being raised from a conservative background as a woman I was raised to observe and be sure before confronting with my own ideas. It can be a double edged sword but in my relationship I feel it really helped.

 

[Rich Gray]

We often want or need a seeing body-language human . . . like a seeing eye-dog for the blind.

 

[Apple28]

We often want or need a seeing body-language human . . . like a seeing eye-dog for the blind.

Your family sounds very lovely. Made me smile reading about it. I'm struck by how aspies on this forum are so self aware. Do you communicate like this to your wife? My husband treats any talk of self reflection with casual bemusement and quickly moves on or ignores it totally. I'm not complaining but it just made me wonder. Like he would never be on this forum or interested. I know everyone is different as well.

 

[Rich Gray]

I am interested in how I think. I am also an INTJ. I was also extremely exited in college to read about INTJ's and how I think. I was later extremely exited to read about how I think after being diagnosed. It was a relief to read and know about how I was different.

I have found it best for me to communicate openly and honestly. Trying to cover-up or hide my ASD way of thinking seems to harm things more than help things. Laughing at myself or acknowledging my mistakes seems to work with people a lot more than trying to hide things.

My boss gets a kick out of my describing this or that. Asking for time off to see the doctor via detailing how I had a pinched ulnar nerve and had to tell my doctor what was wrong when she could not figure it out made his week.

Your husband can have another personality type. Or he could be better at interacting with people, not have to, or not need to be good at communicating this kind of thing at all.

I know a guy with ASD who is an engineer who's job is basically to tell others why their ideas suck. He sometimes gets to fly around the country and the world in order to do this. He does not have to tip-toe around anything. When you are that skilled or smart to be needed that much it may not be a priority to communicate other ways.

 

[Apple28]

I am interested in how I think. I am also an INTJ. I was also extremely exited in college to read about INTJ's and how I think. I was later extremely exited to read about how I think after being diagnosed. It was a relief to read and know about how I was different.

I have found it best for me to communicate openly and honestly. Trying to cover-up or hide my ASD way of thinking seems to harm things more than help things. Laughing at myself or acknowledging my mistakes seems to work with people a lot more than trying to hide things.

My boss gets a kick out of my describing this or that. Asking for time off to see the doctor via detailing how I had a pinched ulnar nerve and had to tell my doctor what was wrong when she could not figure it out made his week.

Your husband can have another personality type. Or he could be better at interacting with people, not have to, or not need to be good at communicating this kind of thing at all.

I know a guy with ASD who is an engineer who's job is basically to tell others why their ideas suck. He sometimes gets to fly around the country and the world in order to do this. He does not have to tip-toe around anything. When you are that skilled or smart to be needed that much it may not be a priority to communicate other ways.

Thank you so much for your reply! I find it interesting and insightful. I actually did a personality test when we started going out. I can't remember if he did too. I don't remember the results. What led me to the tests was fear at the time. I couldn't figure out if we really were suited because I'm generally very submissive and then privately show my true self. I wondered if I was his really his type? Would I keep his interest? Was he seeing the real me behind the social niceties we perform? I was at an age where everyone expected me to marry and have babies. I had been picking up things in our relationship but couldnt put a finger on it.

I started off with horoscopes! Of course I know they're suspect etc but at the same time I just thought let me have a look. So our signs said we're complete opposites. Likely to fail and I could see why from those descriptions but I thought surely such pairings exist in life so bollocks or maybe once you're aware of each others tics you can navigate around them. Anyway it led me to personality tests. I didn't take them completely to heart because you know everything comes with criticism. But I remember emailing him saying wow do you think this perfectly describes me. I may have done the same with the horoscopes saying do you think this describes us! I say all this to say I really wanted to be sure if we were really compatible because the years were passing in our relationship. I didn't want to invest time in a relationship that was dispensable. I think because subconsciously I was aware he was "different". It was later after 2plus years I was like okay ask him about the misspellins? Is that dyslexia? Show him how he confuses his letters. Then I started reading because of other things
that did not seem "logical" to me. Like wondering whether a reaction I perceived as anger was frustration because I knew there was never hate in his actions/words. So yeah it's been a journey.

I can relate to what you spoke about about explaining your doctor's experience. When my husband does this everyone looks around and we all smile knowingly. I always thought this was a "quirk" when we started dating and I'd notice family or friends do this.

My husband is high functioning I think that's why he's reluctant to pursue a proper diagnosis. I think he thinks it makes him viewed as less than capable than an NT and he doesn't want that stigma. Which is a shame because it's hard for him at the moment to figure out what he wants to do in life and how to go about achieving that. Everyone wants him set in a career and so does he. I feel if he understood himself better he might gain clarity in how to go about things esp challenges instead of just writing himself off. We're generally happy though so there is no pressure.

 

[Rich Gray]

I found that I am best at working jobs over the phone. Tech support, customer service, or sales. Lately I have been helping people pick healthcare plans . . . basically customer service, but I am in the sales department.

Due to an odd series of events I won a MVP award, and get to go to the Bahamas.

Mainly due to perfect attendance (it is extremely hard to be late if you start at 10:30 AM), and the one time that I was violently sick was on a weekend.

I also had perfect scores on compliance (basically covering everything, I made a written procedure and checklist). I am sure that I must have forgotten something, but we have nine audits per month, but did not happen to forget anything during the times I was audited.

Then we were given a list of what we were told were extremely good leads. I took them seriously and emailed everyone on the list. Most people just called the people on the lists. I was told that I was wasting my time. I received a crazy amount of responses, likely due to my nerdy written language skills. I got crazy scores in one area that brought up everyone's scores on my team.

I was 24/85 in sales the last time I checked. But those 10:30 PM to 7:00 PM shifts pretty much stopped getting calls at 4:00 PM when the main office closed for the day (5:00 PM Eastern).

Never in a million years would I have thought that I would have won MVP and a trip to a tropical island. I never won anything like this.

I would suggest him trying a job over the phone. No body language required.

 

[Apple28]

I found that I am best at working jobs over the phone. Tech support, customer service, or sales. Lately I have been helping people pick healthcare plans . . . basically customer service, but I am in the sales department.

Due to an odd series of events I won a MVP award, and get to go to the Bahamas.

Mainly due to perfect attendance (it is extremely hard to be late if you start at 10:30 AM), and the one time violently sick was on a weekend.

I also had perfect scores on compliance (basically covering everything, I made a written procedure and checklist). I am sure that I must have forgotten something, but we have nine audits per month, but did not happen to forget anything during the times I was audited.

Then we were given a list of what we were told were extremely good leads. I took them seriously and emailed everyone on the list. Most people just called the people on the lists. I was told that I was waiting my time. I received a crazy amount of responses, likely due to my nerdy written language skills. I got crazy scores in one area that brought up everyone's scores.

I was 24/85 in sales the last time I checked. But those 10:30 PM to 7:00 PM shifts pretty much stopped getting calls at 4:00 PM when the main office closed for the day.

Never in a million years would I have thought that I would have won MVP and a trip to a tropical island. I never won anything like this

I would suggest him trying a job over the phone. No body language required.

That is awesome! Congratulations. I hope you have a fantastic time!!

My husband's current job is similar in that at the end of the year they get gift cards etc based on attendance etc. He's not happy there because the job is very routine and boring. He's very good at working with his hands and interacting with people. If i could grant him a job it would be in bike shop. He loves bikes, breaking them up, fixing them, telling people which ones are good, researching them. He's also good with electronics. He was training as an electrician but with economic downturn couple years back got laid off and he abandoned the career. I wish he could back into it. It's the easier of the two I can see a way of getting into.

 

[Chris Russell]

The Geek Syndrome[/URL]
Is Silicon Valley a Breeding Ground for Asperger's Syndrome? | Dr. Kenneth Roberson

 

[Rich Gray]

That is awesome! Congratulations. I hope you have a fantastic time!!

My husband's current job is similar in that at the end of the year they get gift cards etc based on attendance etc. He's not happy there because the job is very routine and boring. He's very good at working with his hands and interacting with people. If i could grant him a job it would be in bike shop. He loves bikes, breaking them up, fixing them, telling people which ones are good, researching them. He's also good with electronics. He was training as an electrician but with economic downturn couple years back got laid off and he abandoned the career. I wish he could back into it. It's the easier of the two I can see a way of getting into.

My wife is super exited! She loves to vacation. I am more exited about the award. Two people from each sales department are going, one supervisor (out of all the sales departments), the owner, and I would think some other folks from IT and such.

I know a guy in the electrician union that often takes a season off a year and gets unemployment and union pay doing it. It seems like a good gig, with high demand, if he can pull that off.

 

[Rich Gray]

"In effect, geeks are begetting geeks." Best quote of the ever!

". . . slightly more likely (6.7% vs. 4.0%) . . .. "

Slightly more likely percentage-wise, but I would say 67.5% more of something is quite a lot (even if it were half of that). I am sure if there were 67.5% more kids getting a <x> diagnosis that people would take notice.

I think that my grandfather had ASD. He had five kids, and (I think) zero to one of them had ASD. He had thirteen grandchildren, and (I think) two to three have/had ASD (my sister and I, and a perhaps a cousin). He has oodles of great grandchildren and I would say at least two of them have ASD (my sisters kid and my kid). I would have to ask around more.