Life Skills, Relationship or Career?

[Warmheart]

@Dadwith2Autisticsons I also really enjoy reading your posts! Your kids are so lucky to have such a thoughtful, kind Dad.

 

[Mia]

The reason I posted this is because I have no way of knowing what our sons will value in this world if they are following routines, or if society tries pressuring them to fit in. What is it that they really want themselves? By asking adult Aspies we could see what they place the most value on, this could give us some indication to what they may value most, thus lead us in that direction, too..

I developed life skills early on and as a rule they worked for me in life. As a female I was continually caught between a decent career and being a nurturing wife to my spouse. He often required more than I had expected to give and that quite often interfered with my working life. Which I wasn't able to give everything to. So I suppose that became the priority, in the midst of of it all, a long term relationship. Since I had life skills, then a long term relationship would have been the most important, after that career.

 

[Keigan]

@Dadwith2Autisticsons I also really enjoy reading your posts! Your kids are so lucky to have such a thoughtful, kind Dad.

I concur.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Tree, you yourself said the question was not logical. I thought there was nothing wrong with it. I do not need persons to agree with me, as I am stronger than that, but clearly when most of the first several persons did not want to or cannot directly answer the question, then what is the purpose of the question? Might as well as create another question , than have a thread about how the question cannot be answered. I get the point. Let's move on, or delete the thread. Whichever you prefer. I meant no harm, and was trying to help our sons in the future. Chance understood that, so

@Dadwith2Autisticsons

I frequently enjoy reading your posts as you tend to provide good sound advice. Though there is always a separation in your writing that I see in an NT author of books, for you have experience through your relationship with your sons though you'll never live theirs lives as we do.

What follows is vitally and brutally honest... for is my opinion of which I value greatly.


Just like an NT, your original question was for an NT response, not getting what you were looking for you decided to change the rules of the game by changing the objective of the questions. What ever you do in life don't do that.

My original response, to your original question was direct and to the point because I had a fear that you were fishing for something else.... and you are:



Let your sons be human, for they are and you need to accept that. You also need to accept that while your intentions are good, you also can't cure them so AS or ASD.

Be their father, ask them what they want.

Want to know what we want the most - to be accepted, especially by those who are closest.

@Dadwith2Autisticsons

I frequently enjoy reading your posts as you tend to provide good sound advice. Though there is always a separation in your writing that I see in an NT author of books, for you have experience through your relationship with your sons though you'll never live theirs lives as we do.

What follows is vitally and brutally honest... for is my opinion of which I value greatly.


Just like an NT, your original question was for an NT response, not getting what you were looking for you decided to change the rules of the game by changing the objective of the questions. What ever you do in life don't do that.

My original response, to your original question was direct and to the point because I had a fear that you were fishing for something else.... and you are:



Let your sons be human, for they are and you need to accept that. You also need to accept that while your intentions are good, you also can't cure them so AS or ASD.

Be their father, ask them what they want.

Want to know what we want the most - to be accepted, especially by those who are closest.

Thanks Keigan. But, how does one know what a nonverbal Autistic child wants? Of course, they want to be accepted. I devoted an entire section to my book about that, too, and proven too by our getting rid of doctors and services, and to educate them in an environment that would not force them to change.

Our children now do not have the concept yet about work and future relationships. We do not even know if they want to do all the basic things they are doing now, but we cannot let them do everything they want. Part of being a responsible parent is making decisions that can be hard, but understanding Aspie adults better make decisions sometimes easier.

 

[Keigan]

That is a tough one, being non-verbal as maybe that is your primary mode of communication. I can't help you on that one because I have not lived it, though I bet there are a few people on here who are non-verbal. For I believe that every creature on this earth has a language and means of expressing, verbal or non-verbal. I believe that because my dog speaks to me in his language, I know his needs as goofy as he is. Keep trying man.

 

[Calibar]

A loving long term relationship without question. I don't spend much, I could live well even on minimum wage, but I desire a mate I can love and respect more than anything.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

A loving long term relationship without question. I don't spend much, I could live well even on minimum wage, but I desire a mate I can love and respect more than anything.

Thanks Calibar for your reply. I was tempted to say a long term relationship too, but I would want the life skills first, then closely followed by the long term relationship, then any career, in that order. As it turns out, it happened that way.

 

[Calibar]

I am glad you things turned out as you wanted them

Thanks Calibar for your reply. I was tempted to say a long term relationship too, but I would want the life skills first, then closely followed by the long term relationship, then any career, in that order. As it turns out, it happened that way.

 

[Ambi]

I agree with people saying it isn't really a choice, but let me just explain in my own way. That loneliness I grew up with was killing me - it was too distracting to truly be able to focus on other things well enough - so as much as I was obsessed with special interests, it was extremely important to me to find a loving relationship - especially back when I had never had a boyfriend before. As an aspie, it is not easy for me to focus on multiple things - so my main focus was naturally on finding a romantic partner, while the career stuff was kind of half-hearted/neglected. EDIT: I also needed to get out of my miserable home in order to have a chance at a happier life, so I did also focus on life skills in order to try to gain an independent life - but it was utilitarian, not what I loved - I really only cared about special interests and finding love. In the process of focusing on love so much, I naturally learned some life skills (you live and you learn), but I also came to realize that I needed life skills to attract and keep a worthwhile romantic partner, so those were worked on for that reason, too. And as I had more breakups, I became less obsessed with finding a romantic partner - well, rather, my desire for it was more balanced out. Now, I have a husband, and my life skills unfortunately are dampened because of burnout - because while working on life skills, going through the ups and downs of romantic relationships and break ups, and working jobs here and there that were never a good fit, I got burned out. Now I am trying to focus on career - as of course, I need one - most especially because my husband needs me to work based on our financial situation. So that's how the pieces have fallen together for me.

I have read somewhere, and I believe, that a loving relationship can be the most important environment for an aspie to heal and grow. I remember reading a book by a man with autism, and he wasn't diagnosed till he was in his 40's. But I remember growing up, he was totally only self-oriented in his views, didn't care about others opinions at all, until he met a girl he had a crush on. Then for the first time he wanted to try to change to fit in and please her - not to erase himself, but he finally understood why you might want to also please another person - and that was a huge shift in mindset! But...that's kind of a tangent.

 

[Ambi]

I would like to emphasize again, it's just difficult to juggle all three of these - it is hard to find balance. I know you aren't asking us to juggle all three, rather you are asking to prioritize - but I find it is important, for me, to try to find a balance - you need the life skills in order to have a good career. You need life skills in order to have a healthy relationship (imho). But even if married (and especially if single), financial stability is important - so the career part also can be positive for a relationship (though it could also be negative). Right now, I am finding it very hard to balance the marriage with job stuff - I am far more inclined towards the relationship stuff, but I need a job - therefore I try to find one that won't interfere as much with what I really care about the relationship - but that is hard, at least in the US, with the way many jobs are structured - you can wind up in a job where you barely see your significant other, or are too burned out to be a good marriage partner. I guess when it comes down to it, I value the marriage much more than a job/career - so that's why I hate to compromise it for a job, and yet most jobs will burn me out more than they would NTs - so I'm struggling with that right now - I don't want to lose what I value most, yet I need to find an aspie-friendly job to do.

I have thought in the past that if I weren't focused on the relationship at all, it would be much easier to give the intense focus required for school or a good career. But when I try to make the relationship work well, then I have a lot less energy and focus for the education/job. Hopefully I will find a workable balance, so that I can focus towards both at once. It is hard for me to switch focuses between two things like that - and it is definitely hard for me to focus on both at once, so we'll see what happens.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

I would like to emphasize again, it's just difficult to juggle all three of these - it is hard to find balance. I know you aren't asking us to juggle all three, rather you are asking to prioritize - but I find it is important, for me, to try to find a balance - you need the life skills in order to have a good career. You need life skills in order to have a healthy relationship (imho). But even if married (and especially if single), financial stability is important - so the career part also can be positive for a relationship (though it could also be negative). Right now, I am finding it very hard to balance the marriage with job stuff - I am far more inclined towards the relationship stuff, but I need a job - therefore I try to find one that won't interfere as much with what I really care about the relationship - but that is hard, at least in the US, with the way many jobs are structured - you can wind up in a job where you barely see your significant other, or are too burned out to be a good marriage partner.

Ambi, and others. Just word your replies as you see fit, as I learn from any information that involves those three issues, regardless how it is worded, like from the information you gave in your last two posts. Then we can understand Aspies better, to possibly benefit our sons later on. Your replies were fine. Thanks.

 

[Alaska]

Do not give up on communicating with your nonverbal son. Spoken language is not the only way to communicate.

I took care of a man my age who was paralysed. I discovered that he could hear and think just fine. We worked out that a little finger twitch meant yes and two finger twitches meant no. I showed it to his family and they could communicate after that.

Try everything you can think of to communicate with your son.

 

[Tyrantus1212]

This has been reworded from the original post, so if anyone wants to answer, then you are welcome to.

If you had a choice between more than adequate life skills, a decent career and a healthy long term relationship, what order would you pick them?

Adequate life skills is #1. I feel like I'm not very well adjusted to the real world, and I'm going to have to leave the nest eventually. These life skills are what I need to focus on first, which includes being able to have a clear understanding how this world works, being able to communicate with and understand NT's properly (which includes "reading between the lines") and being much less gullible/naive. I'd add being able to swim and cook to the list (I'm afraid of water, bacteria that resides in raw meat, and the possibility of burning my hands). I pretty much lack common sense, and that makes me a little concerned about the life skills aspect.

A decent career is #2. Even if I didn't have a career, I wouldn't be living on the streets. I'd be working some temporary jobs to have a roof over my head while looking for one that represents my career. I'm currently employed as a software developer, and the goal is to not get myself fired by screwing up. I've made so many idiotic mistakes it's a wonder why I haven't been fired yet.

A healthy long term relationship is #3. For years I was never even looking for a relationship, and even if I don't find a long-term partner I'll still be happy if items #1 and #2 were to hold true for me. I'd still be living a self-sufficient life and pursuing my interests/hobbies while having a roof over my head. Even now I'm not all that enthusiastic about dating - but I wouldn't say I'm averse to at least going on that first date with someone because everyone I know has already done it, even people younger than myself.

 

[Momo]

Decent career, relationship/family (though I value this more) then I might somehow make life skills poof from thin air.

 

[OlLiE]

Who would choose 'love' if
you have to be a loser at everything else?
Why choose 'career' as if it were possible to succeed
under a bell jar/in isolation? How could anyone
pick 'great life skills' and believe that would rule
out being able to love or work well?

I just didn't find the question plausible.[/QUOTE]

i believe the question was to rank them, not to pick one and drop the others

I understand that we have defined limitations in the three areas, however one can push him/or herself into the red in one area by putting less effort into the other two, i personally have chosen that my gf is someone for whom i am willing to make an extra effort for because i appreciate her kindness and understanding of me, this however means that i have less energy left for friends and work, for example i have accepted that i will have to take a less demanding job going forward,

accepting to achieve less in one area to invest in another doesn't mean being a loser, you can be a successful at any job if you are realistic about your abilities, you don't have to be on the spectrum to have delusions about your abilities

the life skills one is greyer for me to understand what is meant

 

[xudo]

I have a successful long term relationship, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

 

[Jet Weiss]

Life skills, as then I could be successful in a career and relationships as well.

 

[WereBear]

more than adequate life skills, a decent career and a healthy long term relationship

Goes like this:

• healthy long term relationship
  
• more than adequate life skills
• a decent career

And that is pretty much how it has gone, actually

 

[Mary Terry]

Do not give up on communicating with your nonverbal son. Spoken language is not the only way to communicate.

I took care of a man my age who was paralysed. I discovered that he could hear and think just fine. We worked out that a little finger twitch meant yes and two finger twitches meant no. I showed it to his family and they could communicate after that.

Try everything you can think of to communicate with your son.

I so agree with that! Be creative in helping him find his voice. I've found that offering my non-verbal nephew written multiple choices helps us communicate. He will pick the option that fits or most closely fits what he wants or is trying to tell me. When he was young (he is now about 25 years old), I made charts of verbs, nouns and adjectives for his selection so he could construct a meaningful thought or express his wishes. For example, he might select "I want" as his verb, "lunch" as his noun, and "fish taco" as the adjective for lunch. It's not perfect by any means but it works for us.

You might construct a similar chart to explore which of the 3 options in your hypothetical question your children would chose as their first priority. Of course, since your children are so young, they probably won't understand what a career, a long term romantic relationship, or life skills even mean.

I also realized that there was meaning in my nephew's constant echolalia and his verbatim quoting of television show dialogue. Most people would think he is just rambling, but he often answers questions or expresses his thought/desires by quoting something he heard on Sesame Street or Judge Judy or other TV shows. You have to listen closely to figure it out. Just keep trying.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Do not give up on communicating with your nonverbal son. Spoken language is not the only way to communicate.

I took care of a man my age who was paralysed. I discovered that he could hear and think just fine. We worked out that a little finger twitch meant yes and two finger twitches meant no. I showed it to his family and they could communicate after that.

Try everything you can think of to communicate with your son.

We agree Alaska. It's a long process for Dylan. I mean it can be draining for us daily to keep naming, describing, comparing and explaining about objects and actions, when most of the time there is no sound back whatsoever, but we still do this. The past few months he is starting to make a few more sounds, of parts of actions words we say, and of several letters of the alphabet, but that is rare still. But, he is making progress, and if things continue he will be likely verbal.

With verbal communication abilities, this will make things easier for Dylan in the future, in terms of any life skills, relationships and work desired, whichever is destined for him, but if he will never be able to speak a whole lot, we still will be able to look at his gestures, postures, mannerisms, and other nonverbal cues, and understand what he wants by his routine needs. He will pull us now to what he wants or needs, or he will get the item himself or do that action he wants.

And we realize there will be other communication devices too in the future as well, should that be the need. There are many app programs now on his iPad where he communicates to us, as he often just clicks on that item or action he wants. PECS type apps, and other sight word apps. What makes it hard for communication for Dylan too is he has a.very hyperactive side too, and so we are wondering if that affects things.

I mean, for his communication delay I am wondering if that delay in speech is not only Autism related but also because his mind is racing such that he will not speak lots until he can string several words together. My wife was that way growing up. She did not learn to speak until age three, and when she did her mother said she spoke in complete sentences. Aaron started talking at age two. Dylan is age five now, but is showing more positive communication signs. He still cannot follow any direction though.