Killing the Mood

[Datura]

Reading through some of the threads in this section got me thinking about my own love life and how things have gone wrong for me. Looking back I realize that I have a tendency to say the exact wrong thing in romantic situations.

For example; my first partner used to ask me questions like, "Will you always love me, no matter what?" I had to answer honestly, "No. I do love you, but if you were to do something horrible, like eat my face, I wouldn't be able to love you any more." This caused my partner to become very upset. She asked me why I had to say things like that. Granted, the imagery was a bit more graphic than necessary, but what I was saying was vital. Love isn't unconditional, and it shouldn't be. If one does something untoward they can render themselves unlovable.

Of course I know what response she was looking for. A simple "yes" would have sufficed. It would have also been dishonest and made me incredibly uncomfortable. How can one live up to such a promise? It strikes me that this might be what people mean by aspies "being too literal" - that I should have just played along and our relationship would be better for it.

I had an other partner who came out in lingerie while I was sleeping over at her place. She asked me, "Don't you just want to ravish me?" I answered, "No. But I'm asexual, so I really don't want to ravish anyone." I think this might have hurt her feelings and was a factor in our breakup soon thereafter. She knew I was asexual, so I don't know what she was expecting, but I suppose that being found sexually desirable was important to her self esteem. She was an amazing person, and I wish she was still in my life. Perhaps I should have feigned interest and given her what she wanted. I don't know.

Does anybody else have trouble with romance? Does anyone have advice in meeting their partner’s needs without predicating a relationship on lies?

 

[Ste11aeres]

I had an other partner who came out in lingerie while I was sleeping over at her place. She asked me, "Don't you just want to ravish me?" I answered, "No. But I'm asexual, so I really don't want to ravish anyone." I think this might have hurt her feelings and was a factor in our breakup soon thereafter. She knew I was asexual, so I don't know what she was expecting, but I suppose that being found sexually desirable was important to her self esteem. She was an amazing person, and I wish she was still in my life. Perhaps I should have feigned interest and given her what she wanted. I don't know.

No, that was her problem for not taking your asexual orientation seriously. In fact, it was a kind of inappropriate action on her part, since she had every way of knowing that you weren't interested. You didn't say anything wrong by any reasonable standards.

 

[donn]

No, that was her problem for not taking your asexual orientation seriously. In fact, it was a kind of inappropriate action on her part, since she had every way of knowing that you weren't interested. You didn't say anything wrong by any reasonable standards.

Quite so. I empathize with the feelings of desperation that may have driven her to it, but it was absolutely inappropriate pressure nonetheless. In fact, your response was quite measured and calm; another person might have taken this as an insult and a lack of respect for their sexual boundaries and, feeling victimized, acted aggressively.

I do sometimes wonder, and forgive me if this seems too personal, if as an asexual person, open relationships might have a particular appeal. I'm looking for people who are polyamorous myself right now, and it seems that allowing someone to find sexual release elsewhere if you are uninterested might be a useful thing. However, questions of faithfulness and boundaries are not just sexual.

The first instance...yeah, that bugs quite a few people actually, including NT's. A good response is a rather poetic declaration of love, into which you can slide in qualifiers without being noticed. Some version of "I love you as long as I am who I am, and you are who you are" - you just hope they don't ask, "What does 'I am who I am' mean?" A philosophical discourse on what we are and how love is a reflection of that isn't always the most romantic assurance.

 

[Maelstrom]

My ex-liked to do something similar she kept asking over and over if I didn't believe in divorce. Of course I did not believe in frivolous divorce....but after awhile the number of times I was asked if I believed in no divorce began to creep me out. As it turns out the ominous bad feeling I had when she kept asking that question was justified. It turns out she was planning to dry gulch me with a whole lot of crazy evil family stuff as soon as the ring was on the finger.

Sometimes questions are as revealing as statements in life.

 

[TeriM]

First off I saw some humour in your post, I am an NT in a long term relationship with an ASD guy and I recognised some of this in our relationship. In the beginning I found myself hurt and confused quite a lot but most of the time now I just laugh ( with him not at him ) because I know him and know he would not purposely hurt me. I just think it is about understanding each other, I know he makes an effort to meet my needs and I do the same for him. I definitely wouldn't suggest lying and saying what someone wants to hear, you can't sustain that in a relationship and it isn't fair on you. When you meet someone who really cares they will take the time to learn about ASD and understand where you are coming from. I would never overstep his boundaries because I know it would just cause him stress.

 

[Beverly]

I think people just don't get that being asexual means basically nothing outside your own mind is going to turn you on. Sure we COULD do it internally but, we still don't actually want to have sex so, no matter what a partner does, it isn't going to happen because of them, no matter who that partner happens to be.

Yeah major mood killer, cock block, whatever but, that's us. Just need a partner that gets it or, a cuddle buddy that knows he/she is never getting sex with us. *shrug* it works.

 

[wyverary]

*raises hand* Aromantic asexual here.

If you are going to get involved in a romantic relationship, you HAVE to be up front about your asexuality, just as you have to be up front about certain other things. If your partner still gets their feelings hurt when they know full well that you don't want sex...Maybe they thought they could "change" you, or who knows, but that's on them. I sympathize with your predicament.

And I'm with Beverly here. All I want is a cuddle buddy, really...doesn't have to be romantic. *sigh*

 

[Datura]

The second partner I mentioned was fully aware that I was asexual. Our arangement was polyamorous from the start and I gave her permission to seek out people to meet her other needs. She was fine with that arrangement, but I think soemthing changed along the way and she wanted our relationship to progress toward something more sexual.

An other way I would kill the mood is that when people tried to "stimulate" me I would just start laughing, because it tickled. Not exactly the kind of reaction my partners were looking for.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I'm too goofy for much seriousness. I kill the mood with puppy love. Without the Alpo breath.

 

[Suiseiseki]

I've always been very good at having a strange charm, more for seducing people to sleep with me or send me naked photos or what have you.
I have said something similar and it gone over well, but I have observed and copied people's mannerisms to use in such situations.
Lying has always been a very strong skill of mine...

 

[dragonwolf]

"No. I do love you, but if you were to do something horrible, like eat my face, I wouldn't be able to love you any more."

Can I just say that this response would kill the mood for me, but because I'd end up laughing so much at the visual?

The second partner I mentioned was fully aware that I was asexual. Our arangement was polyamorous from the start and I gave her permission to seek out people to meet her other needs. She was fine with that arrangement, but I think soemthing changed along the way and she wanted our relationship to progress toward something more sexual.

Her actions still struck me as wanting to change you, and if she wanted the terms of your relationship to change, she should have known to be up front about it and talk about it. Unfortunately, a lot of people do communication and relationships wrong in general.

 

[tree]

Funny how leaving out just one letter makes such a difference.
I know the title of this thread is "Killing the mood"----but so
many times I see it on the Forum list with only one "O."
And I don't feel that way about them at all.

I asked for 'Snow White' apples at the market this weekend.
I clearly saw the name on the sign: Snow White. The girl rang
up the 'Snow Sweet' apples. I went back to the place to get
the 1/2 bushel and---the sign said 'Snow Sweet.'

Two cases of expectations coloring reality.
I think that happens to people in sexual situations, too.

 

[Datura]

Funny how leaving out just one letter makes such a difference.
I know the title of this thread is "Killing the mood"----but so
many times I see it on the Forum list with only one "O."
And I don't feel that way about them at all.

Oh no! The poor Mods. They just want to ride scooters and listen to the Yardbirds.

I asked for 'Snow White' apples at the market this weekend.
I clearly saw the name on the sign: Snow White. The girl rang
up the 'Snow Sweet' apples. I went back to the place to get
the 1/2 bushel and---the sign said 'Snow Sweet.'

Snow White Apples - wasn't there a recall on those after they were found to be coated in a powerful sedative?

Her actions still struck me as wanting to change you, and if she wanted the terms of your relationship to change, she should have known to be up front about it and talk about it.

Yes, she really did want me to change near the end of our relationship. I believe that realizing this wouldn't happen (along with some other factors) are what lead her to break up with me.