JayJamesJay
Active Member
I fell in love with a woman I (today) strongly believe to have Asperger's and would love to hear peoples thoughts. Sorry this is so long.
I met an amazing woman. She glows. By appearance she didn't seem to have a worry in the world. She is unusually attractive, 55 (appearing 40), Caucasian natural style and not overdone at all. Just naturally attractive, flowing (me 45 mixed race)... We had been seeing each other on the bus, in our neighborhood - in the world - and all the while we smiled, flirted and waved hello acknowledging each-other - invitingly. This happened over the course of about 7-8 months. It took me some time. I'm a little slow and shy. Old fashioned type. I finally asked her to dinner and she said yes. We had dinner.
We were hot and heavy-ish from the beginning. Close and there 'seemed' an ease, comfort and kind of warmth. We began seeing each other everyday (evenings/nights mostly as we both work days). Hanging out at her place or mine, home cooked dinner, t.v. movies - quiet time. Over the 2yrs - 1000's of hours together, 100's of meals, some traveling, sharing the stories of our lives, making new ones. Sexual intimacy was although short lived, it seemed a bit unnatural for her - only initiated by me - kind of mechanical. She said after 2 months that she was just not ready for a relationship at that level of intimacy. She was seeing a therapist, that she wasn't feeling the sexual "energy", though, she reported taking a small dose of ativan. She said she would talk/work with her therapist and lessen cease the dose (I dont know if she ever did). Intimacy never resumed for the duration of the 2yr relationship. At one point that first year she'd rented a AirB&B in the Berkshires as a surprise, single bed, still intimacy (of any kind) never resumed. Of course there were many occasions and opportunities - but no.
Before us, she left a tough 23yr (abusive she reported) marriage. She said she had been with other men before me in the ensuing 5-6 yrs. In the divorce, she agreed to leaving her mid teen children with the (abusive?) husband in the home. She moved in with her sister on our street. She agreed to paying alimony and child support for years. She explained struggling with anxiety and depression. Had what she described as a "breakdown" that lasted about 4 months (no work, debilitating, worrisome) which ended about 6 months before us starting our relationship. Her siblings struggle. One died young living a hard and dysfunctional life. The other living in the south struggling with alcoholism and dysfunction. Sister - who I've met - has emotional health thats kinda questionable. She reported struggling in school, with friendships and socially as a child and young woman. BUT appeared only bright and happy with me but had NO friends that I've ever met.
I'm a supportive type, she seemed most only happy and engaging -ever- and we all have our STUFF. I was happy and enjoying her - and I thought her, me. She showed me a gentile, quieter - danced to the beat of her own drum - self and seemed to really want nothing more than what she/we had, in a small circle, and I loved that. I was although noticing some things but nothing I felt at all to be a deal breaker. She was warm-ish, caring-ish and emotional-ish with me. But, it seemed deeper conversations about the nature of our relationship (what "us" meant), or in general, were lacking. Also, deeper inquiry into who I was was lacking,,, it seemed to me. I never met her children, her friends, co-workers (shes been working for 30yrs in arguably one of the globes most powerful law firms) and family (I did meet her sister and as she lived in the house). We never shared a Thanksgiving or X-Mas together. She spent these with family - I was never invited - she understood I had no family in NYC me being from Massachusetts and still. There were idiosyncrasies growing.
Suddenly, but slowly over time, she started making distance in our relationship. I didn't ask questions, push or pressure. We NEVER argued. Never even a disagreement to speak of. Again, our time together was always warm, easy and seemed welcomed. But, very slowly over the months time together dwindled to less. We warmly continued our regular commute into work, texted everyday morning noon and night throughout. Over 5 of those months I was in school in the evenings which cut into our together time. Then, during the 2 months of the summer everything but the texting and commuting into work together ended with an occasional evening night together. Noticeably less. Still, open and warm. Then, 5 days before what happened in the next paragraph - the commute ended while the texting daily continued - at least. The last time I was at her place "normally" I made peach cobbler for the whole house. Nothing off, really.
Then, 5 days later I was at work and received a text. She "accidentally" told me - that - she had "reconnected" with someone she already knew, that it was not the person she was with before me and that the conversations was NOT open to discussion. I was floored. From that moment on our relationship has been adversarial, cruel, brutal with ZERO emotional generosity. Zero. She agreed to one 15min dear John discussion explaining that she was not physically and sexually attracted to me (I'm 6.3, 210, fit, healthy and have been told attractive - engaged in life and a productive man) and that she needed intimacy? The conversations and her presentation was strangely tense, with an underlying agitation that I had never seen, tones that I had never heard, with lines of thinking that didn't seem like her - AT ALL. She said that I should have know this was coming. That she had basically been tolerating me all this time, that I was annoying and that she was uncomfortable around me and then - she was/is GONE... Its been 90 days. I received a few spotty one word texts in response to mine to her but she offered nothing. I have heard nothing from her in 60+ days and I am broken in half!!!! Crushed, confused and struggling with a new home grown crippling depression. I am angry.
Of course there is a lot of nuance that I couldn't capture here. But there is lots of lovely nuance and puzzling flags that I guess I ignored. I am so so so so confused.
Any clarity, insight, support HELP would be much appreciated.
I met an amazing woman. She glows. By appearance she didn't seem to have a worry in the world. She is unusually attractive, 55 (appearing 40), Caucasian natural style and not overdone at all. Just naturally attractive, flowing (me 45 mixed race)... We had been seeing each other on the bus, in our neighborhood - in the world - and all the while we smiled, flirted and waved hello acknowledging each-other - invitingly. This happened over the course of about 7-8 months. It took me some time. I'm a little slow and shy. Old fashioned type. I finally asked her to dinner and she said yes. We had dinner.
We were hot and heavy-ish from the beginning. Close and there 'seemed' an ease, comfort and kind of warmth. We began seeing each other everyday (evenings/nights mostly as we both work days). Hanging out at her place or mine, home cooked dinner, t.v. movies - quiet time. Over the 2yrs - 1000's of hours together, 100's of meals, some traveling, sharing the stories of our lives, making new ones. Sexual intimacy was although short lived, it seemed a bit unnatural for her - only initiated by me - kind of mechanical. She said after 2 months that she was just not ready for a relationship at that level of intimacy. She was seeing a therapist, that she wasn't feeling the sexual "energy", though, she reported taking a small dose of ativan. She said she would talk/work with her therapist and lessen cease the dose (I dont know if she ever did). Intimacy never resumed for the duration of the 2yr relationship. At one point that first year she'd rented a AirB&B in the Berkshires as a surprise, single bed, still intimacy (of any kind) never resumed. Of course there were many occasions and opportunities - but no.
Before us, she left a tough 23yr (abusive she reported) marriage. She said she had been with other men before me in the ensuing 5-6 yrs. In the divorce, she agreed to leaving her mid teen children with the (abusive?) husband in the home. She moved in with her sister on our street. She agreed to paying alimony and child support for years. She explained struggling with anxiety and depression. Had what she described as a "breakdown" that lasted about 4 months (no work, debilitating, worrisome) which ended about 6 months before us starting our relationship. Her siblings struggle. One died young living a hard and dysfunctional life. The other living in the south struggling with alcoholism and dysfunction. Sister - who I've met - has emotional health thats kinda questionable. She reported struggling in school, with friendships and socially as a child and young woman. BUT appeared only bright and happy with me but had NO friends that I've ever met.
I'm a supportive type, she seemed most only happy and engaging -ever- and we all have our STUFF. I was happy and enjoying her - and I thought her, me. She showed me a gentile, quieter - danced to the beat of her own drum - self and seemed to really want nothing more than what she/we had, in a small circle, and I loved that. I was although noticing some things but nothing I felt at all to be a deal breaker. She was warm-ish, caring-ish and emotional-ish with me. But, it seemed deeper conversations about the nature of our relationship (what "us" meant), or in general, were lacking. Also, deeper inquiry into who I was was lacking,,, it seemed to me. I never met her children, her friends, co-workers (shes been working for 30yrs in arguably one of the globes most powerful law firms) and family (I did meet her sister and as she lived in the house). We never shared a Thanksgiving or X-Mas together. She spent these with family - I was never invited - she understood I had no family in NYC me being from Massachusetts and still. There were idiosyncrasies growing.
Suddenly, but slowly over time, she started making distance in our relationship. I didn't ask questions, push or pressure. We NEVER argued. Never even a disagreement to speak of. Again, our time together was always warm, easy and seemed welcomed. But, very slowly over the months time together dwindled to less. We warmly continued our regular commute into work, texted everyday morning noon and night throughout. Over 5 of those months I was in school in the evenings which cut into our together time. Then, during the 2 months of the summer everything but the texting and commuting into work together ended with an occasional evening night together. Noticeably less. Still, open and warm. Then, 5 days before what happened in the next paragraph - the commute ended while the texting daily continued - at least. The last time I was at her place "normally" I made peach cobbler for the whole house. Nothing off, really.
Then, 5 days later I was at work and received a text. She "accidentally" told me - that - she had "reconnected" with someone she already knew, that it was not the person she was with before me and that the conversations was NOT open to discussion. I was floored. From that moment on our relationship has been adversarial, cruel, brutal with ZERO emotional generosity. Zero. She agreed to one 15min dear John discussion explaining that she was not physically and sexually attracted to me (I'm 6.3, 210, fit, healthy and have been told attractive - engaged in life and a productive man) and that she needed intimacy? The conversations and her presentation was strangely tense, with an underlying agitation that I had never seen, tones that I had never heard, with lines of thinking that didn't seem like her - AT ALL. She said that I should have know this was coming. That she had basically been tolerating me all this time, that I was annoying and that she was uncomfortable around me and then - she was/is GONE... Its been 90 days. I received a few spotty one word texts in response to mine to her but she offered nothing. I have heard nothing from her in 60+ days and I am broken in half!!!! Crushed, confused and struggling with a new home grown crippling depression. I am angry.
Of course there is a lot of nuance that I couldn't capture here. But there is lots of lovely nuance and puzzling flags that I guess I ignored. I am so so so so confused.
Any clarity, insight, support HELP would be much appreciated.
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