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Featured How to Communicate My Point of View

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by sisselcakes, Mar 14, 2017.

  1. sisselcakes

    sisselcakes Well-Known Member

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    I'm throwing this out there in order to get some feedback about how to get my point across on something that is really detrimental to my relationship.

    My ASD boyfriend and I have been at odds on many occasions since the US Presidential election. Not surprisingly, he tends to be very rigid in the way he sees the world. We just see things differently, but he is unable to GET that he isn't RIGHT. His beliefs are just different.

    Sometimes his apparent lack of empathy toward others is truly shocking. He sees himself as compassionate, which he is toward people with whom he has a personal relationship. We are very different in this. I am a bleeding heart. I feel strongly about social justice, human rights, etc.

    Since the election I've been obsessed with keeping up on the news. I belong to an activist group. I've volunteered my time for these efforts.

    My bf hates the government, believes citizens can't change anything, says I'm wasting my time, says it's bad for my mental health (what's bad for my mental health is , says I'm a "sheep" (I think he is), doesn't see the current environment of hostility toward the vulnerable and powerless in our society, that I should do something that "really matters"- like mentoring (which I plan to do in addition), etc. etc. Ultimately, this sums it up. "I have other things that interest me/to worry about". That's the crux. I'm not him!!!

    I tell him I believe people can make a difference, that I'm not sitting down when I see injustice, that it makes me feel good to be involved.

    HE DOES NOT GET IT. It's really killing the warmth I normally feel toward him. I can accept someone with differences of opinion and values. I cannot accept his dismissing my concerns.

    So, to get to the point, I'm asking if there are any suggestions out there for communicating this to him. The strategy I'm considering is the following: Write down a few of statements that reflect my values. Ask him to read them. Explain that I have my own beliefs just as he has his own priorities and values, and basically tell him that I don't want to hear anymore comments about it. I won't be constantly dismissed for something I'm passionate about.

    Thanks for your input and time!
     
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  2. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

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    TBH, I think you have to let go of any neurological uptake on such a thing, and accept this as being within the realm of ideological differences. A dynamic you could easily encounter with any fellow Neurotypical.

    Seriously if you want to learn how to navigate political differences in a relationship, read everything you can find about the marriage between Democratic operative James Carville, and Republican operative Mary Matalin. Together they have to be the most contrasting, yet remarkably stable married couple given their political differences and heavyweight roles in American politics.

    For them, politics is their life- but then so is their marriage.
     
    Last edited: Mar 14, 2017
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  3. sisselcakes

    sisselcakes Well-Known Member

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    That's a great idea - about the books.

    VERY good point. Yeah, may not be neurological. He can be dismissive about other things too. It could simply be a personality trait.

    Recently asked him if he grasps the fact other people don't see the world like he does. He said "Able to grasp? What am I? A moron?" I almost said "yes". LOL. Just kidding. Thanks again.
     
  4. Mia

    Mia Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    You can both be right at the same time, your view and his are diametrically opposed. You can accept that, or attempt in some way to convince him of the 'rightness' of your views. Fact is I agree personally with yours, yet he is being honest about his, and not pretending to agree. Which is an honest thing, that says a lot about the trust between you.
     
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  5. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

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    Politics, ideology, morals and ethics. They all can be relative. With no right or wrong answer. Only ones that you personally may agree or disagree with.

    You'll be better off IMO if you accept that no matter how offensive some of his beliefs may be, that they are ultimately just his "Yin" to your "Yang".

    [​IMG]

    At that point if you still feel compelled to vehemently disagree, perhaps your "first love" is really politics, rather than any person.
     
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  6. MrSpock

    MrSpock fascinating

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    "...I'm asking if there are any suggestions out there for communicating this to him."

    Communicating what, exactly, to him? It sounds as if you have a difference of opinion on something, but it's rather vague.

    "...Write down a few of statements that reflect my values. Ask him to read them. Explain that I have my own beliefs just as he has his own priorities and values, and basically tell him that I don't want to hear anymore comments about it."

    So... make him read what you have to say, and he can STFU. I don't suppose you had thought you were taking that position or you wouldn't be wondering what is wrong, you wouldn't have put it like that. But read the bit I just quoted again, and ask yourself how it's really different from how I put it. I put it more plainly, perhaps you think rudely. I doubt that he would see much difference, the logic is the same.
     
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  7. Rich Gray

    Rich Gray Well-Known Member

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    I have ASD and the INTJ personality type. I do not think that my thinking is terribly ridged, at least not logically. I may be incompetent at understanding how to troubleshoot life using feelings (as opposed to logic). I cannot base any meaningful conclusion on a gut feeling without using data. Part of the INTJ, the most common (?) in the ASD community, has as a (normally) central premise that ideas that seem paradoxical to many can coexist. This is one way humanity gets all that science stuff.

    Some governments are clearly more successful than others. Even state-by-state a government can really help or hinder it citizens. There are countless examples of this (holy cow are there!).

    Remind him that society is a human construct, and is by and large it is in our heads. All it takes is for someone to change the idea of the social construct among enough people to make a change. It is quite possible to change something that largely exists in our heads. Social norms change. Laws effect social norms. Breaking a law can result in loss of money and/or incarceration. This can screw up a family's economics for generations . . . FOR GENERATIONS.

    [01] Show your boyfriend the definitions of:
    [1b] . . . advertisement. Companies do not use advertisements for the hell of it . . . society can be influenced.
    [1c] . . . propaganda. This is advertisement. Telling people to blame X for Y works, and it gets folks elected.
    [1d] . . . sociology. This is looking into how and why people are influenced by this or that.
    [02] Society is a set of human ideas that exists almost exclusively in our collective minds.
    [03] Different groups vie for power (political powers, small governments, large governments).
    [04] Different societies under different leadership have different outcomes.
    [05] Different leaderships educate their people differently.
    [06] Different societies take this education, and invent different technologies.
    [07] Technology can drastically change the way society works.
    [08] We do not see any (?) Amish engineers, for example.
    [09] Republican leaders, MANY who disagree severely with scientists (on science . . . via not being scientists!), are in power.
    [10] This will have consequences as we will get a generation of morons who think without using science.
     
    Last edited: Mar 14, 2017
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  8. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member

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    From what I take with your thread, is that you are just as bad as he is. You are DEMANDING he sees your way, without respecting his view. Just because he doesn't see humans can change things, does not mean he lacks empathy. He is just seeing you are wasting your time.

    What is amusing, is you complain about him being an aspie, but ask aspies for advice.

    My husband is an NT and as equally dogmatic that his view is the right one, as he condemns me for the same thing and you are doing the same thing.

    What you should be doing, is to agree to disagree and just get on with what you want to do. But it is unfair to expect him to back you up, when he doesn't agree.
     
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  9. Persephone_

    Persephone_ Active Member

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    Hello Sissel,

    I don't discuss politics with NO ONE .....lol........I hate Trump, my dear one loves him ...... I am not going to discuss this ...... in my opinion, and with respect to other Trump lovers out there, time will show what will happen ... Possibly, he might be the second (correct me if I am wrong) american President to be in an impeachment. (I m not american). OR Trump will learn that he must change to survive as an american President... (with all respect again!) lol

    These topics are really hot confusion topics ..... easy to create anger ..... and, this is never good on a relationship.......

    ;)
     
  10. pax

    pax Well-Known Member

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    Your values and opinions differ on many points. This isn't a hanging offence on it's own, nor is it neurologically related - people have differences of opinion all the time. I do however wonder , if you have such strong differences of opinion on ideological things you both feel so passionately about, why you have a relationship.

    "The strategy I'm considering is the following: Write down a few of statements that reflect my values. Ask him to read them. Explain that I have my own beliefs just as he has his own priorities and values, and basically tell him that I don't want to hear anymore comments about it. I won't be constantly dismissed for something I'm passionate about."

    I find that unnerving, to be honest. You're saying- PAY ATTENTION. LISTEN: THESE ARE MY BELIEFS . I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOURS, SO STFU.

    Agree to disagree.
     
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  11. OkRad

    OkRad Well-Known Member

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    Sorry, but in the realm of political discussion, you can't blame aspieness for anything. NO ONE can handle politics for long and that's why people say Don't talk about it!!!!!
     
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  12. sisselcakes

    sisselcakes Well-Known Member

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    Wow. I really like your answer. You are absolutely right. Thanks for that.
     
  13. sisselcakes

    sisselcakes Well-Known Member

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    He would say STFU! Lol. Do you know him? Thanks for your answer. I glean helpful feedback and different ways of thinking every time someone gives a response. Some people have suggested that I'm as rigid as he. May be true, as hard as that is to accept!
     
  14. sisselcakes

    sisselcakes Well-Known Member

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    You provided lots of food for thought. You are absolutely right in your observations and ideas about how to approach certain subjects with him. I really appreciate that you took time to write me. Truthfully, I have to realize that I can be as rigid as he. I'm very sensitive about social justice and the minute he comes back with what I see as insensitive, it enrages me. Your points are more logic based. It's probably best to avoid the conversations especially when I'm feeling emotional. (I have my own mental health issues- depression and anxiety). This is good insight for me.
     
  15. sisselcakes

    sisselcakes Well-Known Member

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    Hey Suzanne,

    It's hard to admit, but you are right. I am rigid too. I get so worked up and emotional over what's happening right now that I'm so enraged at people who don't see the injustices.

    I've always appreciated aspies' advice because generally we (NT's and those on the spectrum) see things differently. I realize not all aspies think or see the world the same way, nor do NTs. Everyone has his/her own personality. "You meet one Aspie, you've met one aspie". Sometimes I may overgeneralize and imagine our differences are due to our neurological differences, but as Judge points out, it could simply be a difference of ideology which has nothing to do with our neuro-differences. I do tend to blame a lot on that.

    I think I'm not giving him enough credit. I told him last night that, contrary to his belief that watching new shows is bad for my mental health, it actually is intellectually stimulating which makes my mood better. I told him to cut it out and stop pointing this out bc what he says is not true. He gave me a wry smile, so I think he got it.

    In all fairness, he's struggling with his own challenges - work and financial. Really, I appreciate everyone's response. Makes me stop and think and feel more empathy for his point of view.
     
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  16. sisselcakes

    sisselcakes Well-Known Member

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    No need to show respect, Persephone, with regard to Trump. (at least with me) LOL. I get your point though. I love him to death, but it's so hard to deal with being in a relationship with someone who doesn't share your basic values. That's something everyone has to determine when they are entering or currently in a relationship with someone who believes differently. I never imagined being with someone who sees things so differently, but here I find myself! Thanks for writing and giving your perspective. Hope all is well with you! Where are you from?
     
  17. sisselcakes

    sisselcakes Well-Known Member

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    I've responded to several comments similar to yours. You make an excellent point that I ask myself- how is it we are in a relationship? We are for now. We love each other but need to come to an understanding (which we have in the past and broken our plan to agree to disagree). It's so hard when you feel passionately about something. This is a process so we will see where we end up. I appreciate the time you took to write because you have made me realize some hard truths, including the fact that I am rigid and I expect to be treated specially because of it. Peace.
     
  18. sisselcakes

    sisselcakes Well-Known Member

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    Wow. So true. That is one thing I appreciate about him - his honesty
     
  19. Ylva

    Ylva Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Wasn't Andrew Johnson (17th) impeached, though? I'm assuming you are referring to Nixon (who I think was the 36th or so president).

    Sissel:

    If you want him to change his opinion, you must unravel his logic. It will never do to shout him down or whatever it is you've been trying. Give him reasons to believe what you believe – in the form of carefully derived syllogisms, not bribery.

    Before you get all Socratic with him, though, be warned that that is really annoying. If you have read any of Plato's dialogues, you will know what I mean. What you might want to do instead is explain your premises.
     
  20. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

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    Two US presidents have been impeached. Andrew Johnson and Bill Clinton. However neither were convicted of a high crime or misdemeanor.
     
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