HermitCrab
Active Member
I don't know how to start, but I searched and searched and looked into other's posts. So I think this is the right place for me.
(If my language or word choice comes as offensive, please tell me. English is not my native language and I acknowledge that I lack many understandings in the community)
I'm 28 years old and thought I was 'normal' my whole life, even I know that I'm a weirdo to everyone.
I studied clinical psychology, I even worked with autistic children for month and I was quite closed to my junior who's been diagnosed with autism. I was pleasant with their company without realizing anything.
I just felt that I'm weird, loner, quite anti-social because everything tired me out. But I can live by myself like others.
Just until recently, that I found something 'click' in me.
More autism voices, more neurodivergent posts, from who's proudly autistic and voice their experience.
I read them because I want to understand more as an ally, but most of the things I read screams 'That's me!!!'
Most of the times, I cry. It felt like I found my place, found that there are also someone like me who struggles the same things like me.
They also have 'the rules' like I have, which others will never understand why I have to follow those rules. They're easily getting tire in social events, which I was always sick after attend to the large social events. They also felt like screaming when there was a strange sound in the usual quite place.
The most troublesome topic for me is keeping friends, I do make friends, though I'm not that friendly. If I want, I can be as eager to make a new friend. But if I'm given a choice, I will not do it. Which seems never be happen in our society.
But the problem is, if I'm not around them, like I graduated now, I feel like I cannot maintain the relationship. It's hard for me to just text them to say hi, to chitchat, or even comment something on their birthdays. I don't know how to explain, but it's hard. It's hard to think about the topic to talk when we're not closed by or shared the same environment.
I think that I'm terrible, I just leave my friends behind when I move forward to a new place. But they're still precious to me. I just don't know how to keep our friendship to be the same at that time. I feel lonely when I saw them talk to each other online, and I don't know how to put myself there.
Finding out that I might be autistic, yes, just might be, make me burst to tears.
It's like I finally know why I'm like this. Why it's so hard for me when others can do it easily.
But I also felt stupid at the same time. I have Clinical Psychology degree for god's sake! Why don't I know if I'm really on the spectrum? Why did no one notice me when I studied?
Am I imagine things? Am I just self-diagnosed that found an excuse for my terrible self?
As a 28 years old with no one in my family with autism history makes it's hard for me to get an assessment, especially in my country.
I might never get an official diagnosis my whole life.
I feel so lost, I feel that yes, I have autism. But I will never know if I'm really have autism.
I don't know anyone to talk to, I don't think my friends who're psychologists will understand me because I was 'normal' with some quirky personalities my whole life. It's hard to think how to talk to someone like this, to make them understand what I feel and why I think like this.
I tried searching everything that's available online. And felt more and more 'clicking'. That's me, that's also me, we share the same struggle!
But I don't have any confidence to tell, because I might imagine things on my own and harm the community.
And I found this forum. I think I might find something here. At least an answer maybe? I also found that there are similar people like me who realize their autism when grown up and getting confused.
I don't know if I would find an answer of how valid my self-diagnosed. But at least, I feel safe to write this post here.
Such a long self introduction.
Hello
(If my language or word choice comes as offensive, please tell me. English is not my native language and I acknowledge that I lack many understandings in the community)
I'm 28 years old and thought I was 'normal' my whole life, even I know that I'm a weirdo to everyone.
I studied clinical psychology, I even worked with autistic children for month and I was quite closed to my junior who's been diagnosed with autism. I was pleasant with their company without realizing anything.
I just felt that I'm weird, loner, quite anti-social because everything tired me out. But I can live by myself like others.
Just until recently, that I found something 'click' in me.
More autism voices, more neurodivergent posts, from who's proudly autistic and voice their experience.
I read them because I want to understand more as an ally, but most of the things I read screams 'That's me!!!'
Most of the times, I cry. It felt like I found my place, found that there are also someone like me who struggles the same things like me.
They also have 'the rules' like I have, which others will never understand why I have to follow those rules. They're easily getting tire in social events, which I was always sick after attend to the large social events. They also felt like screaming when there was a strange sound in the usual quite place.
The most troublesome topic for me is keeping friends, I do make friends, though I'm not that friendly. If I want, I can be as eager to make a new friend. But if I'm given a choice, I will not do it. Which seems never be happen in our society.
But the problem is, if I'm not around them, like I graduated now, I feel like I cannot maintain the relationship. It's hard for me to just text them to say hi, to chitchat, or even comment something on their birthdays. I don't know how to explain, but it's hard. It's hard to think about the topic to talk when we're not closed by or shared the same environment.
I think that I'm terrible, I just leave my friends behind when I move forward to a new place. But they're still precious to me. I just don't know how to keep our friendship to be the same at that time. I feel lonely when I saw them talk to each other online, and I don't know how to put myself there.
Finding out that I might be autistic, yes, just might be, make me burst to tears.
It's like I finally know why I'm like this. Why it's so hard for me when others can do it easily.
But I also felt stupid at the same time. I have Clinical Psychology degree for god's sake! Why don't I know if I'm really on the spectrum? Why did no one notice me when I studied?
Am I imagine things? Am I just self-diagnosed that found an excuse for my terrible self?
As a 28 years old with no one in my family with autism history makes it's hard for me to get an assessment, especially in my country.
I might never get an official diagnosis my whole life.
I feel so lost, I feel that yes, I have autism. But I will never know if I'm really have autism.
I don't know anyone to talk to, I don't think my friends who're psychologists will understand me because I was 'normal' with some quirky personalities my whole life. It's hard to think how to talk to someone like this, to make them understand what I feel and why I think like this.
I tried searching everything that's available online. And felt more and more 'clicking'. That's me, that's also me, we share the same struggle!
But I don't have any confidence to tell, because I might imagine things on my own and harm the community.
And I found this forum. I think I might find something here. At least an answer maybe? I also found that there are similar people like me who realize their autism when grown up and getting confused.
I don't know if I would find an answer of how valid my self-diagnosed. But at least, I feel safe to write this post here.
Such a long self introduction.
Hello
