Hi, I'm new here and also new to the spectrum

[Alexej]

Maybe now I'm challenging? I have to learn and change, and I know that this is a good place to help me challenge myself.

Firstly Welcome @HermitCrab - secondly do feel free to read some of the older posts. There is a lot of good info and experience in there

 

[Suzette]

Thank you. I will try. I still feel bad about myself, but this forum, all of the welcome here made me realize how kind this world can be. And I should be kind to myself too.
Maybe now I'm challenging? I have to learn and change, and I know that this is a good place to help me challenge myself.

Many years ago I also felt bad about myself. People would suggest that I try to think of myself in a different way but I couldn't do it. It feels fake to go from "I am terrible" to "I am wonderful". Saying "I am wonderful" was just a lie.

So, I decided to not judge myself at all. I am neither terrible or wonderful. I just exist. I am. Others can decide for themselves what they think of me. They don't need my opinion about myself to decide how they feel about me anyway.

 

[HermitCrab]

After a few decades of life and a couple of years studying autism and how I fit, it is clear to me that indeed, you were normal your whole life. All 28 years of it, and will be for the rest of your life.
Every individual is unique. "Normal" is a very broad subject, but your 28 years have been perfectly normal for you. You are just fine.
I guess you may not be old enough, but did you ever see the Mr. Rogers TV show? His main theme was that every person is unique and is unlike anyone else and that every person is who they are and that is OK. I have found that autism is simply a group of traits of who I am. It is me and that's OK.

Honestly, the first thought that come to my mind is 'no, I'm not normal and that's not ok'. But your word is so kind and made me rethink. I lived my life until now without knowing and can continue living even I did not realize anything. So that should be 'fine' too.
It's just that, I don't feel like belong anywhere. I pretend to fit in, I try to fit in, but it tired me out eventually.
I always think I'm unique on my own, I cannot be like others, like anyone else in the world. But I feel empty at the same time which I cannot explain before.
Realizing that I might have an autism, it's like I have found myself. I found my reasons of being myself. I found the reason that it's ok to be me. It is not an excuse for some of my bad temper, but it helps me forgive myself while trying to change.

I cannot recall this TV show, but the red trolley gave me the familiar feeling. I might watched the show when I was really young and cannot remember anything. I read Mr. Fred Rogers' profile. He's really amazing. I think I will watch the shows on youtube in few days.

I'm really thankful for your comments, I cried every time I ready yours, even now too. I hope someday I can be someone like you, kind and understanding, and give me a sense of hope and belonging.

 

[HermitCrab]

Hi and welcome, I hope that you enjoy it here. Its ok to self diagnose. It's not unusual to do so with ASD1/Aspergers , as it wasn't noticed in earlier times. Also, diagnosis of women with ASD 1 is a muddle, as the criteria are based on males. The female phenotype appears to be a little different. If you have researched it and it fits, it is probably helpful to see if it is beneficial to assume that you are ASD 1.

Plenty of useful threads here to read and contribute to. Your English is fine, way better than any attempts I make in other languages!

I burst into tears with the comments in my first post. You're all welcoming and kind. I'm sure I will be happier each day I'm here.
I know ASD1/Asperger. I used to get really upset with one friend who's always mocking me about my way to speak. He made me feel like I was Asperger at that time. (I know, it was really offensive to feel upset like this, but at that time I was so ignorant and lack of understanding.)
Maybe, I might already had a bit of knowing since back then?
Yeah, the criteria does not fit me, but many seems perfectly describe me. I was perfect in classroom, but not among the peers like, at all. I can detect sarcasm and even sarcastic myself, but I mostly cannot get the jokes of others. And I definitely cannot do small talk.

Thank you so much. You give me the direction to start. It is really helpful for me.

 

[HermitCrab]

Welcome!

I can definitely related about sometimes moving away (from a place, school, job, etc.) and just losing all the connections I had built up, though I sometimes still wonder about them, but don't know how or when to reach out, and when I might reach out, they might have changed their phone or email address and now they're lost forever.

I also feel like a stranger when I saw my friends talk to each other, like, is it ok for me to chime in? I don't know what should I talk to them, they might get bored. So most of the time I choose to stay quiet, until I was out of all the conversation, become an invisible ghost floating around observe them.
Yes, I also lost some of my friends like that. Sometimes I find them again via other friend's post, but I already lost them myself, so I don't have any confidence to reconnect to them.

 

[HermitCrab]

Welcome to the forums HermitCrab. Have you tried any of the online prescreening tests like the AQ?

I tried AQ and got 40 out of 50.
I looked into other tests on psychology-tools, but the rest seems like the screening test for observer than self-questionnaire? So I only have 1 test until now.

 

[HermitCrab]

Hello & welcome.

"My junior...?" Do you mean your child?

No. He was a student who's 1 year younger and studied 1 year later than me.

The words 'freshman', 'sophomore', 'junior' and 'senior' are quite confusing for me.
I have to call him 'freshman' if I'm a sophomore, and I have to change it to sophomore when I'm junior, right?
We have one word in my language to call the younger student of all years. 'Roon nong' Roon - years/class/age, and Nong - younger. (It's the same word as 'Kouhai' 後輩 in Japanese in a sense)

 

[HermitCrab]

Many years ago I also felt bad about myself. People would suggest that I try to think of myself in a different way but I couldn't do it. It feels fake to go from "I am terrible" to "I am wonderful". Saying "I am wonderful" was just a lie.

So, I decided to not judge myself at all. I am neither terrible or wonderful. I just exist. I am. Others can decide for themselves what they think of me. They don't need my opinion about myself to decide how they feel about me anyway.

Wow, I never think like this before. I tend to judge, almost everything including myself. And I care too much of how others will think of me. I don't want to appear weak, troublesome, or be a nuisance to others. I don't care if those who are not my friends hate me, but I don't want them to think that I'm weak. Isn't it strange?
It is also one of the reason that I hesitate to contact any of my friends, what if they think I am annoying?

But wow, you're right. Even I care so much, they don't need my opinion or caring to judge me anyway.

 

[HermitCrab]

Firstly Welcome @HermitCrab - secondly do feel free to read some of the older posts. There is a lot of good info and experience in there

I definitely will. Thank you so much.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Dr. Tony Attwood, one of more well-known experts in autism,...admits that he missed his son's diagnosis for many years. It wasn't until he started looking at old home movies of his son that he picked up on the behaviors he overlooked.

Just because you don't have a known family history of autism means nothing. I wasn't officially diagnosed until 52,...in part,...because the ASD-1 variants were generally overlooked until the 1990s. Theoretically, you and I could have had a several family members over the years with the so-called "milder" variants of autism.

There are some on-line tests that, depending upon your scores, will suggest autism,...the AQ score, the RAADS score, etc. and there are other tests on the Cambridge University Autism Research site. As others have found out, "If it has feathers like a duck, sounds like a duck, has webbed feet like a duck, has a bill like a duck,...it might be a duck." Self-diagnosis is something that is common, for several reasons. However, if you are in a country where someone with an autism diagnosis may legally qualify for "special considerations and/or accommodations" with regards to the medical system, legal system, and/or employment protection,...and you wish to take advantage of those,...you need that official diagnosis prior.

At any rate, welcome to the forum.

 

[HermitCrab]

Dr. Tony Attwood, one of more well-known experts in autism,...admits that he missed his son's diagnosis for many years. It wasn't until he started looking at old home movies of his son that he picked up on the behaviors he overlooked.

Just because you don't have a known family history of autism means nothing. I wasn't officially diagnosed until 52,...in part,...because the ASD-1 variants were generally overlooked until the 1990s. Theoretically, you and I could have had a several family members over the years with the so-called "milder" variants of autism.

There are some on-line tests that, depending upon your scores, will suggest autism,...the AQ score, the RAADS score, etc. and there are other tests on the Cambridge University Autism Research site. As others have found out, "If it has feathers like a duck, sounds like a duck, has webbed feet like a duck, has a bill like a duck,...it might be a duck." Self-diagnosis is something that is common, for several reasons. However, if you are in a country where someone with an autism diagnosis may legally qualify for "special considerations and/or accommodations" with regards to the medical system, legal system, and/or employment protection,...and you wish to take advantage of those,...you need that official diagnosis prior.

At any rate, welcome to the forum.

I talked to my partner, told her about my childhood and some difficulties I had. And picked up more and more signs. I'm fully agree with you about this. There's definitely people with variants of autism with no one realizing before.

I just tried the RAADS-R, got 150. The more test I took, the more frightening I got. I never know these things are signs and symptoms. My partner had to tell me to stop taking the test before I get panic attack.
Now we both agree that I indeed have an autism.
Thank you for your advise, but in my country, unless you're under 18 and have the IQ score less than 80, you won't get any legal or medical help. I have friends who's autistic, now over 18 years old and have nowhere to looking for help. It seems they just assume that once the autistic children reach 18 years old, they can fend for themselves for the rest of their lives.

So I'm satisfied with my self-diagnosis now. At least I know myself, I know where I should learn. And I know I'm safe and happy here.

 

[Varzar]

I talked to my partner, told her about my childhood and some difficulties I had. And picked up more and more signs. I'm fully agree with you about this. There's definitely people with variants of autism with no one realizing before.

I just tried the RAADS-R, got 150. The more test I took, the more frightening I got. I never know these things are signs and symptoms. My partner had to tell me to stop taking the test before I get panic attack.
Now we both agree that I indeed have an autism.
Thank you for your advise, but in my country, unless you're under 18 and have the IQ score less than 80, you won't get any legal or medical help. I have friends who's autistic, now over 18 years old and have nowhere to looking for help. It seems they just assume that once the autistic children reach 18 years old, they can fend for themselves for the rest of their lives.

So I'm satisfied with my self-diagnosis now. At least I know myself, I know where I should learn. And I know I'm safe and happy here.

No need for a panic attack. You're just finding out how awesome you are.
That's what we should call it, AS: Awesome Spectrum..

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I talked to my partner, told her about my childhood and some difficulties I had. And picked up more and more signs. I'm fully agree with you about this. There's definitely people with variants of autism with no one realizing before.

I just tried the RAADS-R, got 150. The more test I took, the more frightening I got. I never know these things are signs and symptoms. My partner had to tell me to stop taking the test before I get panic attack.
Now we both agree that I indeed have an autism.
Thank you for your advise, but in my country, unless you're under 18 and have the IQ score less than 80, you won't get any legal or medical help. I have friends who's autistic, now over 18 years old and have nowhere to looking for help. It seems they just assume that once the autistic children reach 18 years old, they can fend for themselves for the rest of their lives.

So I'm satisfied with my self-diagnosis now. At least I know myself, I know where I should learn. And I know I'm safe and happy here.

The next step,...since you are using the words "frightening" and "panic attack",...is learning about autism from a brain anatomy, physiology, and psychological standpoint. It really helped me with my acceptance,...even though for many years prior to my diagnosis, I had been saying to myself I likely had autistic-like behaviors. I think you have to ask yourself, "How is this diagnosis going to change my life?" If your answer is something like, "Not much." Then, no sense in worrying about it. For me, it was confirmation that there wasn't something psychiatrically wrong with me, but rather anatomically, physiologically, and psychologically. I had answers to my behaviors and thought processes,...and for me,...that actually made me happier knowing that.

I can, in some cases, be free with introducing myself as being autistic and what that means to the both of us interacting together,...usually my new students, new employees, etc. Many neurotypicals will sense something is "off" or "not normal" and immediately pull away or have these inner thoughts like "this person is a bit crazy",...without having perspective and understanding. In some cases, it is easier to just get out in front of it, before they start thinking about it and start acting "weird" around you. I do make sure when I do this,...I do it with some humor,...I will say something about my "autistic brain" and smile at them. If you can use humor, you can often break the awkwardness of the situation. Most people do not know much about autism, so be prepared for some rather awkward, but well-meaning comments. Just smile,...no sense in getting into some politically correct conversation that will upset them. I've never had anyone wanting to know more about autism. Most of the time it's like a silent acknowledgment and keep on with the conversation or whatever task we were doing,...they don't know what to say, so they remain silent.

At any rate, you're still the same person before and after the diagnosis,...but now you are more self-aware. Again, educate yourself as best you can.

 

[HermitCrab]

No need for a panic attack. You're just finding out how awesome you are.
That's what we should call it, AS: Awesome Spectrum..

I know. I told myself that. It's like...having 2 hands but you thought you have 1 hand your whole life and that's normal for you the whole time?
I don't know how to explain it correctly. I think I maybe just not ready to fully accept myself yet. It's strange and quite terrifying for not knowing before that other people did not think or do things like I do.
Like, everyone is different and unique on their own, but mine can be put on the spectrum, which I'm not fully prepared yet.
But you all are so awesome. I will try my best to get there too.

 

[HermitCrab]

The next step,...since you are using the words "frightening" and "panic attack",...is learning about autism from a brain anatomy, physiology, and psychological standpoint. It really helped me with my acceptance,...even though for many years prior to my diagnosis, I had been saying to myself I likely had autistic-like behaviors. I think you have to ask yourself, "How is this diagnosis going to change my life?" If your answer is something like, "Not much." Then, no sense in worrying about it. For me, it was confirmation that there wasn't something psychiatrically wrong with me, but rather anatomically, physiologically, and psychologically. I had answers to my behaviors and thought processes,...and for me,...that actually made me happier knowing that.

I can, in some cases, be free with introducing myself as being autistic and what that means to the both of us interacting together,...usually my new students, new employees, etc. Many neurotypicals will sense something is "off" or "not normal" and immediately pull away or have these inner thoughts like "this person is a bit crazy",...without having perspective and understanding. In some cases, it is easier to just get out in front of it, before they start thinking about it and start acting "weird" around you. I do make sure when I do this,...I do it with some humor,...I will say something about my "autistic brain" and smile at them. If you can use humor, you can often break the awkwardness of the situation. Most people do not know much about autism, so be prepared for some rather awkward, but well-meaning comments. Just smile,...no sense in getting into some politically correct conversation that will upset them. I've never had anyone wanting to know more about autism. Most of the time it's like a silent acknowledgment and keep on with the conversation or whatever task we were doing,...they don't know what to say, so they remain silent.

At any rate, you're still the same person before and after the diagnosis,...but now you are more self-aware. Again, educate yourself as best you can.

I have an intellectual understanding of autism, but on the emotional and acceptance level seems still far too lacking. Yes, the diagnosis will not change my life, unless I allow it. It's not like something bad happened to me. I just know myself better. I'm glad that I finally know, but it's still...new. It's foreign, it's not something I'm already familiar and know what to do next. I guess that's why I'm still afraid.

I'm not ready yet to introduce myself as one, mainly because I still need to accept myself fully. But I hope, someday, someday I can proudly say that I'm autistic, and that's why I'm me.
Your advise is truly precious. I'm sure I will read this again and again when the time's come. Hopefully not too far away in the future.

Knowledge is the best weapon and armor, right? The more I know, the more I can be myself.

 

[Ken]

I'm not ready yet to introduce myself as one, mainly because I still need to accept myself fully. But I hope, someday, someday I can proudly say that I'm autistic, and that's why I'm me.

As soon as I discovered I was autistic, I wanted to tell everyone. But, fortunately, before I did, I realized that almost no one understands what autism is and telling them would not be interpreted as the communication I want them to understand. So, I have only told people that I feel would understand or would be beneficial to be informed, such as doctors, etc.

Regarding the feeling of fear and panic, I would just say that this is a big subject to absorb. It involves the core person that you are. It will take some time before the feelings of fear and panic are calmed down, but it will indeed happen. In the mean time, I would just say to be patient with yourself and try not to feel it has to happen quickly. Just know that it is indeed happening. You are in the process of learning the person you are - the very wonderful person you are.

I noticed that you have mentioned about anger issues. There is a movie that has helped me tremendously on that subject. The subject of the movie is about anger management and it is a true story involving Fred Rogers. The title is, "A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood" staring Tom Hanks as Fred Rogers. This movie has helped me so much I bought the DVD!

 

[HermitCrab]

As soon as I discovered I was autistic, I wanted to tell everyone. But, fortunately, before I did, I realized that almost no one understands what autism is and telling them would not be interpreted as the communication I want them to understand. So, I have only told people that I feel would understand or would be beneficial to be informed, such as doctors, etc.

Regarding the feeling of fear and panic, I would just say that this is a big subject to absorb. It involves the core person that you are. It will take some time before the feelings of fear and panic are calmed down, but it will indeed happen. In the mean time, I would just say to be patient with yourself and try not to feel it has to happen quickly. Just know that it is indeed happening. You are in the process of learning the person you are - the very wonderful person you are.

I noticed that you have mentioned about anger issues. There is a movie that has helped me tremendously on that subject. The subject of the movie is about anger management and it is a true story involving Fred Rogers. The title is, "A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood" staring Tom Hanks as Fred Rogers. This movie has helped me so much I bought the DVD!

I only told 3 people that I know will understand me and they know me well. Almost everyone know that I'm an aggressive psychology advocate (I cannot work in my beloved field, but I like it that I'm still useful), so it's like 'nothing wrong about me', except my PTSD experience that I often share.
And now maybe I got burn out? I don't know. I had a message I want to tell, but nobody understand what I want to tell. And I don't understand why they don't understand me. Suddenly it's hard to tell anything for others to understand.
Now I just, kind of give up. I don't have that energy left anymore.
I know myself, but they don't need to know that. They won't even try to understand me anyway. Maybe this is also part of my anger?

I don't know how to tell you how much you help me. I cry every time I read your comment. Your words have all the wisdom I seek. I feel safe and warmth, know that kindness exists in this world because of you.

I think I don't have anger management issue, just a hotheaded girl with aggressive tendency when angered.
But what I 'think' may not be true, right? I get angry easily on some topics, stubborn and have every reasons to stand my ground, and my voice can get louder without knowing.
This movie was bought to my country by the small documentation theater, so I never know it until now. But it's already available on Netflix. So I will watch it tonight!

 

[Ken]

I don't know how to tell you how much you help me. I cry every time I read your comment. Your words have all the wisdom I seek. I feel safe and warmth, know that kindness exists in this world because of you.

Thank you for such kind words!

I think I don't have anger management issue, just a hotheaded girl with aggressive tendency when angered.

I don't think being "hotheaded" is an autism trait. I know lots of non-autistic people that are "hotheaded". In any event, I believe that getting angry about any particular issue simply means you care.

 

[HermitCrab]

Thank you for such kind words!


I don't think being "hotheaded" is an autism trait. I know lots of non-autistic people that are "hotheaded". In any event, I believe that getting angry about any particular issue simply means you care.

I watched the movie and cried a lot. I don't have an issue like Lloyd has, but he also reminds me of myself.
I get angry simply because I want to protect something that's important for me. I have to be angry since childhood to be able to express my voice. The mom's scene got me crying hard. I feel like this scene tells me I don't have to get angry to protect anyone, I don't need to do that anymore and can release myself from the negative thoughts.
I wish I had met someone like Mr. Fred Rogers earlier, that I could learn and be more kind like him. But I finally know now, it's not too late, right?

 

[Suzette]

But I finally know now, it's not too late, right?

It is never, ever too late!
A wise friend once said "your lack of happiness yesterday does not detract from your ability to be happy today". I have found this to be true!