Help!

[rabiit24]

Well here goes...

please don't reply if you are only going to tell me what a horrible human being I am. How our relationship started was not ideal no, but you can't help who you fall in love with!

So, I met the most amazing guy at work, we had been working together for a year before his 40th birthday. Long story short we went out on his birthday and at the end of the night I kissed him. I had been having feelings for him for some time. Fast forward and we have been seeing each other for the last 18months. When we first started seeing each other he was in a very unhappy marriage. He left his wife last September, since then we have been through some rough patches with the death of my father, I lost my house and my best friend and her baby daughter were killed in a road accident. To say there has been a lot of pressure on the relationship would be an understatement!

He is now 41 and diagnosed high functioning autistic.

In the last 2 months I have moved into a flat in the same town and he comes and stays at mine most nights. In the last couple of weeks we have had some really rough moments. There have been a couple of occasions where he has lied about where he has been when he's been seeing his ex wife (at this point I should say they have an 11 yo, I am not concerned when he is seeing him but I am specifically talking about nights out just him and his ex wife) which has led to a little bit of mistrust which I am working with, I am probably overreacting as I have been hurt in the past. I don't think he is doing anything other than offering support as she has just been made redundant.

I suppose I have loads of questions that I haven't found the answer for and I am really hoping that your collective experiences can help!

1. He says I don't let him live how he needs to live. I have asked what it is that I do that makes him think this but so far he hasn't been able to explain it, are there common things that I could be doing that could be aggravating this for him?

2. He has trouble talking to me when there is a problem. My brother is exactly the same (he is also autistic) He says that he is not sure that he can live with me but says its a problem within him that he needs to work on. Again, are there common things that I could be doing that could be aggravating this?

3. He has always been very good at telling me loves me and what I mean to him and that he does want to have a long term relationship with me. In my eyes as long as you have that base and you both want the same thing, we can address/adapt/change to fix any problems that there might be. I am not sure he shares this view. Should I just be accepting that if he doesn't see a way to fix things he isn't going to try a different way?

4. We don't have a set timetable for when he stays with me so most days I will ask if he is staying tonight purely for planning reasons dinner etc. recently he has told me that sometimes he feels obligated to stay, I have explained that there is never any pressure or obligation for him to stay but it is his choice and that the only reason I ask is just so I know in case I can make plans with friends etc. Should I be doing this in a different way?

5. I struggle with still being a secret in his life, I feel like he is being unfair to his ex-wife and me by not telling her the truth. He is concerned about hurting her, which I understand but surely it is better for both of them if they both know the situation? Allows her to move on as well? Maybe I am wrong? Is there a way to brooch this subject without him feeling attacked?

They are all I can think of at the moment. I really want this to work between us because we have had such amazing times together and we love each other very much. I don't intend on giving up, I would rather find 10,000 ways of not doing something and not seeing as failing than trying once and giving up.

Am I wrong in thinking that if you both love each other and both want to have the relationship you shouldn't give up but should keep trying until you find the right level?

 

[midlife aspie]

You will have to be blunt in asking questions. Ask him when he plans to reveal you to his ex. This is very important! Equally important is how his ex finds out about you. It would likely be best if he tells her himself, as opposed to the 'grape vine'. You don't mention whether he is still legally married. In your post, it sounds like you two were seeing each other before he was separated. I make no judgments as I do not know your circumstances, but it might be best to entertain the possibility of he and his wife reconciling at least until his divorce is final. He needs to figure out what he wants very quickly. He has put himself and you in a very bad predicament. He must chose one of you. You say he has a child. That child will require support, and depending on how the courts rule, spousal maintenance may also be required. You must also realize that you will likely always be 'the other woman' to his possible soon to be ex; a guaranteed enemy. The court can restrict his freedom of movement, stipulate support payments, determine visitation/custody, and his ex can drag him back to court for modification orders. If you marry him, your money also becomes his money and thus his issues become an even greater problem for you, as his ex may want more support given his increased income! Please think this through VERY carefully! You might want to research the divorce laws in your area, as they WILL have an impact on your life if you and this guy stay together. He is in a very bad place right now, I wager, and I think you would be well advised to keep a safe distance until the dust settles and the cards reveal themselves.

 

[rabiit24]

Hi - thank for replying.

Yes, legally he is still married. He started the divorce process at the beginning of the year but in June he stopped it, we have sort of spoken about it and he says he doesn't want to hurt her. I have tried to have the conversation further as I am of the opinion he is actually being unfair to her giving her hope that something might happen when he has been spending most of his time with me. I am very aware that reconciliation may be on the cards and I have said that I am happy if that is what they are going to but he needs to be very honest with me about it - if he wants to save it I don't want to get in the middle of it. However, he has always given me the same answer, that he doesn't want to go back. In the last 8 months we have been discussing the future and the next steps for us, he has obviously made this very structured and it comes in phases, the first being him leaving his wife, they separated in October last year. The second is reliant on him leaving his job (we work together, he is actually my boss) and becoming financially separated from his ex wife. Recently this has been discussed a bit more and he has suggested that he won't tell his ex about me until he has left his job and financially separated, essentially another 6 - 9 months once they have sorted out the houses etc. I have tried to explain to him that the situation puts a lot of pressure on our relationship but equally it isn't fair on the ex wife - doesn't seem to have made a difference.

Yes, he has a son who is 11 who is also autistic, my main concern the whole way through this is making sure that we were sure this worked for us before he left his wife and changed his sons life. It has been very confusing for me recently as he has not (until now) given indication that he has been unhappy in anyway or a little unsure about how this will work in the long term. This is where I am looking for help I guess. He tells me that he wants this to work long term and I can only work with what he tells me so on face value I believe him and I don't want to push it but there are things he says that do bother me like "if I can't sort things in my head out it can't happen" the problem I have is that I am very much a tell me what the problem is and we can discuss ways round it or a way forward but he struggles to share this with me as he sees these issues as very much his own rather than shared issues. Is there any way to encourage him to share these with me so we can assess them as a couple?

Before he left his wife I spent a lot of time thinking about the ramifications and what would come next. My father left my mother 8 years ago so I have some idea of what comes after etc. I was very clear from the beginning that his son had to come first and that not seeing him wasn't an option, we both agreed on this point. We have already discussed marriage and at the moment he does not seem himself doing it again and despite earlier conversations he has decided that he doesn't want to have children because of his age, I am 25 and he is 41. I have accepted these things and have decided that the love that I have for him is more important to me than the other things, he seems to be struggling with this concept and won't accept what I am saying to him and seems to want to make those decisions for me, again I am struggling to get him to understand that they are decisions about my life that I have to make. Perhaps I am wrong? If I have accepted that those things aren't going to be part of my life why can't he? I have kept the emotion out of the discussions with him when it comes to those things because I know he struggles with it. It has been very clinical.

He has always said he is very independent and doesn't need anyone. To a degree this is true he is totally self sufficient and happy in his own company, but he needs that someone more than he would let on normally. Granted it doesn't happen all the time but he has moments where you can see that his emotions are confusing him and he wants to give up where he just needs a hug and when we are in bed he likes hugs and he has always said it was one of the things that he really missed in his marriage.

But then we hit snags like tonight which confuse me. We haven't had sex in about a week which is very strange as he has a very high sex drive and he seems to be withdrawing. It has confused me and made me panic a bit so I asked him why it felt like he was pulling away and he said "maybe I am" it confuses me because he tells me he wants this to be a relationship and he loves me and then he says things like that. He does sometimes need space which he cannot have at mine so he goes back to his house, does this sound like the same thing or something more?

 

[midlife aspie]

He is likely on an emotional roller coaster of sorts. My guess is that when he focuses on you, he gets his libido going and when he dwells on his past with his wife, the emotions are bad and the libido drops. As I said, he MUST make a choice, and a difficult one at that. It would likely be in your best interest to help him make the divorce as amicable as possible, as the ex can make life difficult if she decides to be vindictive. He may also be of the thought that your desire to have children may change in time. It did with my own wife. 16 years is a big age difference and his physical/mental/sexual energies will likely weaken in the close future while you will still be young and energetic. As for marriage, it is common for the newly divorced to swear it off for a while and then get married again. I strongly believe he is worried about moving forward from this point and he should be, as what happens in the coming months will lay the foundations of his future, either with you, his wife, or alone. Please do not under-estimate the stress a divorce can put on a person. I have contemplated such action myself and find that I get hot and cold and sometimes physically sick when I dwell on it. Be supportive of him by all means, but don't put your own life on hold for too long waiting. As for "not wanting to go back", dropping the divorce process is definitely a sign that he hasn't made up his mind. I don't know if any of this helps you, but I do wish you the best.

 

[rabiit24]

Maybe I'm wrong but surely by virtue of the fact he is still with me and (up until very recently) is happy to sleep with me etc. He's made a decision?

 

[rabiit24]

Equally the other issue I have is if I ask he tells me I'm forcing him into a corner and if I do that he'll be forced to make a decision and it won't end well for me...

I'm not going to get the relationship we both keep saying we want am I?

 

[midlife aspie]

I don't think so. I think your last post speaks volumes. Hit the 'play' button and go on with your life. He is trying to dance at two weddings. You are young still. If he divorces and wants you and you are available and willing, by all means pick up with him, but if I were in your position right now, I would break it off until his divorce is finalized. If he goes ahead and divorces with the understanding that you are no longer 'his', then you should be reassured that you were not a variable in his choice. I am not getting that vibe here though. I am sensing that he wants to work it out with his wife and lean on you emotionally/sexually in the mean time; in other words I think he may be using you. In all likelihood, he is thinking about the things I brought up in my first post here. The gravity of which is huge.
My advice: break it off with no guarantees. This could turn into a bad situation for you.
P.S.- since he is your superior at your job, it might be wise to find a job somewhere else if you do decide to break up (I would secure other employment prior to the breakup).

 

[rabiit24]

The thing that I just can't get past is that he keeps telling me he doesn't want her back. The sticking point we have is that he misses his son which I totally understand. But, maybe I am wrong, he needs to be totally honest with his ex about us and the emotional and physical relationship that we have been having. She surely deserves to have all the facts to decide if she wants to continue in the "relationship" as we have had.

But again, and please tell me I am wrong (I only say this because I wouldn't do it to someone) but surely if a marriage meant that much to you, you wouldn't have continued this on and even if the other person asked you to try with different methods your answer would still be no. I think the thing he is scared of is not having his son in his life at all. At the moment he only sees him every other weekend and we have sort of had the conversation but once everything is out in the open and people have had time to digest proper visitation could be put in place etc. The problem I have here is when I say this to him he's very dismissive of me and us but then a couple of hours later gets over that and is fine again.

I am so very deeply in love with him that I am not ready to give up on this when it could clearly be something very good for the both of us. He doesn't have to lie about who he is, (I'm going to use his words) he can "fix" himself and we can provide a stable environment for his son, (not suggesting that I replace his mother).

I wonder if I found someone like him who has been through something similar whether it would help him. He hasn't discussed any of this with anyone else, not even family and close friends. I mean they know he is separated but they don't know about me and they don't know how much he is struggling. Do you think it would help him to talk to a third party who has been through something similar? Just the few short days I have been on here it has really helped, I just want to help him.

 

[midlife aspie]

Every divorce experience is unique in some way. The outcome depends greatly on how well the partners can cooperate. Like it or not you are a factor in this regardless of whether or not his wife is aware of you. Wives can go from Minnie Mouse to Zena in half a blink if they get the idea that another woman is behind the breakup of her marriage, thus my advice to keep a cool distance, but it may not help at this point. If I were you, I would expect to be seen as number one on his ex's **** list, at least for a while. Plan on that. Another thing, lawyers LOVE IT when strong hostile emotions enter the divorce picture, as it is very easy to stoke a scenario which would line their pockets and leave the former couple in a financial shambles. Again, I do not know you or them, but the odds of peaceful settlement diminish when a villain who was active with one partner before the separation (you) enters the picture. Please tell your heart to step down for a moment to allow your brain time at the podium. This is your happiness, future, and reputation on the line. The reality is that you WILL have to treat with this woman in some way, directly or indirectly it you stay with him after the divorce. It would be much better if she has the perception that you came along after the separation as opposed to before it. One last thing, please research the divorce laws in your area. They will reveal much about what you can expect from the courts.

 

[paloftoon]

Words and actual occurrences are two different things. If you want to have something casual and non-committal, that's up to you. I wouldn't commit though, and technically it's not good to be involved without the potential ex being given a fair chance. Rather than put yourself in that potential cheating like situation, better to look elsewhere.

 

[rabiit24]

I seem to be a glutton for punishment. My heart is broken and my head is screaming at me but I can't let go.

This morning he's telling me that he can't decide between the two of us still and I think I believe him, if he was so sure he wanted her he would have gone back by now?

I don't even know how to start getting over this. I have never loved someone like I love him.