Guilt complex

[JJ19]

Is Asperger’s related to a strong guilt complex. My guilt complex is out of control even for things I shouldn’t feel guilty about. Is that Asperger’s related or something else?

 

[Misty Avich]

Why do people here always ask if everything is Asperger's related?

 

[Nervous Rex]

Is Asperger’s related to a strong guilt complex. My guilt complex is out of control even for things I shouldn’t feel guilty about. Is that Asperger’s related or something else?

Possibly. It's something that I have been trying to understand, too. I have noticed that in general, I tend to give a lot more weight to negative experiences than positive experiences. If I have an awkward social encounter, others may shrug it off and forget about it, but it will haunt me for days.

I think part of it - for me, because I can only speak for myself - is that I lacked understanding of social rules or even the idea that social rules existed. If I got a negative reaction to something, I didn't think "Oh, I made a social mistake" - thinking that would require understanding that I was working within a social framework. The only explanation I could come up with was that I was "bad". So, I grew up thinking that I was bad because I did so many things wrong.

I mentioned something like this on this forum before and asked if others felt like their brains placed too much emphasis on the negative. I got mixed answers, so I think that if it's an autistic trait, it's not a universal one. It may be that others experience the same negative feedback and respond differently.

So, I still think about a lot of past events and feel guilty about them. But I try to remember that - at the time - I didn't know better and I was doing the best I could with the understanding I had.

If you saw someone else making the same mistakes you made, would you judge them harshly or would you be understanding? Try to be at least as compassionate to yourself as you would be to others.

 

[thejuice]

What is peoples problem with asking questions?

Is Asperger’s related to a strong guilt complex. My guilt complex is out of control even for things I shouldn’t feel guilty about. Is that Asperger’s related or something else?

My gut feeling is that people with autism are more prone to rumination, which could lead to more guilt. I dont have any evidence for it though, just what i read on aspie forums!

 

[Cryptid]

Guilt was usually imposed upon me, and mostly by people with whom I did not agree -- some of whom I had even tried to warn. They blamed me for their failures, their injuries, their poor grades, their loss of money, and for their broken relationships. Basically, they assumed my predictions of their failures somehow caused those failures to occur -- a form of self-fulfilling prophesy by proxy, I guess.

I feel no guilt for other people's problems, not even 'inherited' guilt or guilt by association. So what if I am a man and some other man broke his girlfriend's heart? Her broken heart is neither my fault nor my problem.

 

[Rodafina]

Why do people here always ask if everything is Asperger's related?

Because they are trying to understand themselves and this is an okay place to ask questions.

 

[Rodafina]

Is Asperger’s related to a strong guilt complex. My guilt complex is out of control even for things I shouldn’t feel guilty about. Is that Asperger’s related or something else?

I think @thejuice is right to consider rumination as a contributing factor to the persistent feeling of guilt. It does seem like you are in a phase of feeling really badly about your past behaviors.

There are things we can do to reduce how much we ruminate. Maybe you will find these links interesting.

How To Stop Ruminating For Good With 13 Expert-Backed Tips | mindbodygreen

It's normal to reflect on a situation where you didn't get the outcome you hoped for, but when reflection is perpetual and obsessive, it becomes rumination.

www.mindbodygreen.com

How to Stop Ruminating: 9 Tips

If you experience unwanted rumination, you’re not alone. Here are nine tips that can help you manage ruminating thoughts.

psychcentral.com

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Is Asperger’s related to a strong guilt complex. My guilt complex is out of control even for things I shouldn’t feel guilty about. Is that Asperger’s related or something else?

Me too for me though it is adhd and trauma, I would not blame myself so bad if it were not the feelings I will always end up hurt.

 

[MNAus]

I think quite a lot of ASD folks are conflict and confrontation avoidant. My perception is that this is for different reasons than for NTs. For me personally it's because a) I actually don't know if I'm in the wrong. Even if it's something factual I am sure on, I have zero bearings on whether or not I'm crossing some sort of invisible protocol line. And b) because negative emotions feel like someone trying to jam a rolled up newspaper into into my brain.

So being confrontation avoidant means you navigate the world to fix, solve and calm EVERYTHING, leading to feelings of guilt and anxiety when thinks might be going less than smoothly.

 

[Neri]

We can certainly suffer from a "negativity bias", but that is a human propensity rather than an Autist thing.

We can find so much confusing, though, that we can think some things that aren't even our responsibility, are our responsibility.

We can believe it when other's blame us for things, even if it's not true, and we can take a long time to figure out those sorts of things.

We can behave badly, immaturely, and be very hard on ourselves when we do.

We can internalize that we are wrong, just for being ourselves, because we often interpret that, from the way other's treat us.

And I think things can hit us very, very hard, emotionally, negatively, and it can be quite debilitating. Especially as life, and the pace expected can be so very, very overwhelming and stressful, so we get so very exhausted and overstimulated, and then anything and everything can feel so so heavy and that is a hard reality for so many, many, many of us.

So yeah guilt. Guilt because we, so often, think we fall so far from the mark of, allegedly "how we are supposed to be" humaning.

Guilt because we take on that thing that others are obviously better, more superior, humans, than us.

But, I think that is us doing numbers on ourselves.

Us being so hard on ourselves.

But, you know, I find it hard not too. Because I'm aware of how short I fall, in the world of social humaning, and it's easy to guilt myself that I'm wrong, guilty, less than, inadequate.

Sometimes, though, we do really not good things, or just things that we don't feel good about, and that yucky icky guilty feeling is designed to motivate us to change.

 

[tree]

Why do people here always ask if everything is Asperger's related?

If you recall, this is an autism support forum.

Quite naturally people are interested in figuring out whether something
is asd/asperger's related.

 

[Aspychata]

This site really helped me to recognize l may obsessively ruminate despite it having no effect on the outcome of whatever. I don't believe in guilt-tripping, so l, as a result, don't feel guilty. I tend to focus on those around me and what their intentions are. I don't micromanage myself, life is too short.

 

[Angular Chap]

Is Asperger’s related to a strong guilt complex. My guilt complex is out of control even for things I shouldn’t feel guilty about. Is that Asperger’s related or something else?

Possibly, yes.

A common autistic trait is heightened sensitivity in general. Be it heightened sensitivity to physical stimuli such as light or sound, or heightened emotional sensitivity. In this case, heightened sensitivity to feeling guilty.

Although we may not always display it outwardly face to face in a way people can detect, another related autistic trait is high empathy and compassion. On the positive side, this leads to some beautiful acts of kindness and solidarity, on the negative side, it can be another reason why we might find ourselves feeling heightened guilt over a mistake, genuine or perceived, big or small, leaving us feeling doubly guilty.

 

[Misty Avich]

Well I do suffer with guilt terribly, and it can be torturous for me to be made to feel bad, to the point where I keep ruminating, and obsessing over the frightening thought of hurting someone's feelings. I guess it's because autistics aren't allowed to hurt someone's feelings otherwise we get a lecture on social skills and how we "lack empathy". It makes me so mad.

 

[Judge]

I was buried in Catholic Guilt until the age of 15 when I left the church. Yet some 53 years later I suppose I still grapple with it.

Autism alone? I doubt it. Pax vobiscum.

 

[Seladon]

I was buried in Catholic Guilt until the age of 15 when I left the church. Yet some 53 years later I suppose I still grapple with it.

Autism alone? I doubt it. Pax vobiscum.

So true. My Catholic mother is one of the guiltiest people I know. A doormat, really. Couldn’t be me, I’m a Pagan with no sin concept

This said, like all autistics when something gets to me, it really gets to me. Agree with the above comments about hypersensitivy, exhaustion, confusion and such intensifying the guilt we do feel.


E.g.
To this day, I feel inner self-disgust about a few things I’ve said or done, often events from decades ago. One I still can’t let go of is falling for my ill younger cousin when we were both teens—as I was on the cusp of AOC where we’re from and he was a couple of years off as well as not in his right mind, don’t know how to feel about myself for that except unforgiving and appalled. Ftr NOTHING EVER HAPPENED, beyond a few mildly flirty (we’re talking lemon and herb) pictureless texts and a couple of hugs & chaste head kisses (on the crown). And I’m so thankful the line was never crossed by either of us. Even at the time I felt too guilty and gross about it to escalate, though the crush I had was powerful.

Of course, I’d never indulge in the same emotion at all if I could do it over again, and I’d never allow that situation now I’m fifteen years older and wiser. If it happened to my hypothetical kids or nieces, I’d be horrified and try to put a stop to it, or at least talk it out with one or both of the kids.

Tbh I think his mother knows how I felt back then and likes to covertly blackmail me over it, from the questions she always asks me. And I still can’t be in the same house or vicinity as my cousin without a breakdown (and the worry that I ever made him feel cornered or uncomfortable), so it hasn’t even been left in the past for me either. Just wish I could erase all memory of it, done with the ghosts of guilt holding me back. I’ve isolated myself completely from friends & romance & career, plus been celibate for the last decade partly because of how much I hated and mistrusted myself for something I never even did, only thought about. Meanwhile, actual active, prolific and unrepentant pervs & nonces go about their creepy lives without a jot of remorse. How does that even work?