[Friendship Advice Required]

[TragicKingdom]

Hello.

I have one friend. One. She happens to be my ex-girlfriend. We have been broken up almost five years. Our friendship is in no way romantic/sexual - We are like family. She is my best friend.

The problem is, I feel as if I am a better friend to her than she is to me. She even admits to this. I have not seen her and have barely talked to her in two weeks now.

She is a severe Bi-polar and has recently come out of six months of depression. She tells me she has been more active lately, going out more with friends, etc. I am glad for her. I am so very happy she is healthier now and relieved of the deadly burden of depression, but...

I feel as if she is ignoring me, unintentional as it may be.

We live about one mile away from one another. In the past year I have visited her approximately 75+ times to check in on her when she was ill and also to spend some time with her. In the past year she has visited me at my apartment... twice. Twice. The math does not add up and I feel a bit used and then forgotten about.

She is a very brilliant and also funny/humorous person. She has a group of friends that are in their early 20's - She is 46 today, her birthday. I know she finds their sarcastic, nonsensical "humor" invigorating - I realize this is something I cannot offer her. I will be 44 this month and am not wrapped up in my iPhone and popular memes like her little, young friends. My pursuits are intellectual and not silly like these kid-friends she has acquired.

The point is, and it is difficult to explain the whole thing here, I feel abandoned in some sense. Although I know this is not wholly true, it is how I feel sometimes.

In the back of my head there is the thought: Perhaps I should end our friendship? But, that is so sad.

I really do not know what to do.

(Yes, she and I stoned with her friends, 2 months ago. I am not really reminiscing - I try not to do that. I am just at a loss as what to do overall. I am not the kind of person that "goes with flow" - I feel I must act, somehow. Note: This was the first and only time I smoked Marijuana in over ten years. I did not really enjoy it, actually.)

Thank you for reading and any/all advice is much appreciated regarding this situation.

-Matthew

 

[Ylva]

I feel as if she is ignoring me, unintentional as it may be.

and I feel a bit used and then forgotten about.

Tell her exactly this. If she doesn't care how you feel, that tells you all you need to know.

Think of it this way: You may be lonely for a bit, but you'll have freed up much time and energy that you can spend on finding a more reliable person.

 

[TragicKingdom]

Tell her exactly this. If she doesn't care how you feel, that tells you all you need to know.

Think of it this way: You may be lonely for a bit, but you'll have freed up much time and energy that you can spend on finding a more reliable person.

Thank you for you words and help. I greatly appreciate it.

 

[SignOfLazarus]

Hi Matthew.
I can really only reply to your post based on the limited information you gave me, but it may help anyway.
I am bipolar and autistic. In the past my mood disorder was not very well treated and so I can give some perspective on that. Some of the things you said kind of indicate that your friend's mood disorder is not very well treated/under control at this point:

She is a severe Bi-polar and has recently come out of six months of depression.

In the past year I have visited her approximately 75+ times to check in on her when she was ill and also to spend some time with her. In the past year she has visited me at my apartment... twice.

She has a group of friends that are in their early 20's - She is 46 today, her birthday.

So... bipolar is a tricky thing. six months of severe depression is an issue. That's something that anyone would have addressed if they are under appropriate care. I don't know specifics- and I really don't need to, honestly- no matter how you cut it, 6 months of depression for some one who is bipolar is really self destructive.

Not only because of the depression itself, but because often afterward there is a "bounceback". I can't say this is happening- but I can't say it isn't. You try to avoid the extremes because 'What goes up must come down' and it certainly works the other way.

What does this have to do with your relationship?
Everything.

Speaking as someone who is diagnosed with bipolar, who now has a pretty good handle on it but at one point didn't: Bipolar makes you selfish. You don't realize what you are doing. Depression makes you selfish- you can't break out of the pain your are experiencing. The "ups" of a mood disorder really... do not lend to insight very well, that includes insight into relationships. The fact that she went on for so long with a depressive episode and instead of taking it easy is going right back to going out often really says a lot about how comitted she is to managing her BP. That is, "not very".

This is not really a reflection on her, or on you. It takes a really really long time to work up the strength and ability and self knowledge to even understand how to tackle it. And lots and lots of practice. And the mood disorder truly can handicap a person intermittently.

So, to put a bottom line on it:
Having a mood disorder and not reeling in those symptoms, not committing to improving the destructive nature of it, kind of guarantees you won't be a good friend. It doesn't mean she is a bad person, and it's no reflection of you- good or bad. You need to figure out if you can accept having a relationship with someone, knowing that she will have these mood issuesthat effect relations until they are better controlled or until she can compensate for them. It can be done, it's just a choice.

I'm sorry that was so long, I just really wanted to try to be specific and thought it would be helpful from someone who's "been on the other side".

 

[Datura]

I find that relationships are rarely, if ever, symmetrical. There is always one person who gives and far more than the other. It could even be that one person likes the other a lot more than the other. This doesn't mean that the relationship isn't worthwhile though. They may still really enjoy your company, but since you provide it in such abundance they may not feel the need to reach out, you already take care of that.

I also agree with Ylva, tell her how you are feeling. Let her know that you are feeling ignored and that you don't enjoy hanging out with her new friends. Try to be gentle and not accusatory in tone, as this could offend her and end up pushing her away.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Sounds to me like she's in her midlife crisis. A lot of 40-ish women suddenly turn into teens again and start hanging out with kids, dressing like them, and trying to relive their popular/party days. Being bipolar probably has a factor in there somewhere, but I don't immediately see it. Not politely, anyway. I don't have a good history with most of the bipolar people I've dealt with for long periods of time.

 

[watersprite]

I used to know someone, close to me, who had the same general sort of issues. I had to break off communication with him because it got to be too draining for me. Matthew what about, I mean is there a possibility of another source of friendship or comraderie? One day I suddenly could not do the relationship anymore, so I cut him out of my life. It was sad, but it was a long time ago now. I realize now that it would have been much healthier and less sad for me if I had more of a support system, instead of none. I wish you the best and strength through this.

 

[Suzanne]

Every day, I learn some thing new about myself and people in my life now, have started to make an impact on my thinking.

I will concentrate on friendship, since that is your thread.

Friendship is not about: I do this and this for you and so, you do that and that for me. It is more about being UNCONDITIONAL. If we have too high expectations, we will fall.

I met this woman who is about 13 year's younger than me. Her personality is one of exuberance. She is funny and zany and I loved her (friendship). I texted her; found out her favourite colour and creature and because she was going out of her way for me, I felt that Ai had found my kindred spirit and made a cross stitch for her. I invested a lot into this friendship. She even noted that I am a good friend. Due to me taking things literally, I misconstrued her sentence and fell hard! She turned into my enemy; I hated her. How dare she treat me this way etc etc. I wanted to take back my gift to her.

She taught me a valuable lesson. Just because she is friendly, does not make her my friend. Funnily enough, the one person who has proven to be a friend, I brushed to one side, because of feeling high with this so called friend. I did text her to explain how hurt I felt with her actions and she responded and said she was devastated to think she had upset me, but lol she carried on, in the same way.

I now realise that true friendship does not count the amount of times one does something for another. If it gets to that, then it means the friendship is mainly one sided.

Your friend is mentally ill and no doubt has a fight on her hands to battle this, each day and thus, she will not be thinking: is it my turn to visit my friend?

She has told you that she is more your friend than hers. She probably is taking advantage of you, but that is because you are always there.

Personally, I would try and change my thought pattern and think: do I love her enough as my friend to give unconditional support? Only you can answer that one. If you can't then you have to move in another direction.

What I learned from nts is that each friend, brings their own unique personality to the relationship. One friend may be quick to be there when something happens and gives of their time, but really quite boring to be around when you want fun and thus, enter another friend lol

I know I am a one to one person and feel pretty rich to have two wonderful girl friends. One is online and other is face to face.

I still find the concept of friendship hard to wrap my head around, because to me, a friend should be all things, but hey I am an aspie lol

 

[TragicKingdom]

Thank all of you for your replies. It gives me much to think about. I appreciate it.

 

[TragicKingdom]

I guess this whole thing has turned into a sort of obsession with me (Which is unhealthy). With the help of my therapist, all of your input here and by talking with God, I am a bit alleviated in regards to all this.

It just saddens me. It confuses me, this situation. I have no other support network as far as friends/family go (Which is partially my own fault and I question whether or not if I even want friends, actually).

I do believe friendship/relationships/love should be unconditional (Suzanne, here, reminded me of that and I appreciate that she did), but there comes a point when one can feel used and tossed aside. That is not fair or appropriate to do to someone. This person, my friend, says that I am her best friend, yet she spends day after day with these sarcastic kids. What does that tell me? I must ask myself that and it is hard to face.

 

[epath13]

Hello.

I have one friend. One. She happens to be my ex-girlfriend. We have been broken up almost five years. Our friendship is in no way romantic/sexual - We are like family. She is my best friend.

The problem is, I feel as if I am a better friend to her than she is to me. She even admits to this. I have not seen her and have barely talked to her in two weeks now.

She is a severe Bi-polar and has recently come out of six months of depression. She tells me she has been more active lately, going out more with friends, etc. I am glad for her. I am so very happy she is healthier now and relieved of the deadly burden of depression, but...

I feel as if she is ignoring me, unintentional as it may be.

We live about one mile away from one another. In the past year I have visited her approximately 75+ times to check in on her when she was ill and also to spend some time with her. In the past year she has visited me at my apartment... twice. Twice. The math does not add up and I feel a bit used and then forgotten about.

She is a very brilliant and also funny/humorous person. She has a group of friends that are in their early 20's - She is 46 today, her birthday. I know she finds their sarcastic, nonsensical "humor" invigorating - I realize this is something I cannot offer her. I will be 44 this month and am not wrapped up in my iPhone and popular memes like her little, young friends. My pursuits are intellectual and not silly like these kid-friends she has acquired.

The point is, and it is difficult to explain the whole thing here, I feel abandoned in some sense. Although I know this is not wholly true, it is how I feel sometimes.

In the back of my head there is the thought: Perhaps I should end our friendship? But, that is so sad.

I really do not know what to do.

(Yes, she and I stoned with her friends, 2 months ago. I am not really reminiscing - I try not to do that. I am just at a loss as what to do overall. I am not the kind of person that "goes with flow" - I feel I must act, somehow. Note: This was the first and only time I smoked Marijuana in over ten years. I did not really enjoy it, actually.)

View attachment 15655

Thank you for reading and any/all advice is much appreciated regarding this situation.

-Matthew

I have a question: do you think if you don't contact her for a long time she wouldn't either? And are you afraid of it?

In any case, I have learned from the past, sometimes it's better to let go than be the one who does all the "work"... but again, I'm talking from my personal perspective. I think in friendship (or any other relationship) effort to support it should be divided between individuals equally. But considering that he has BD, and that she's your only friend at the moment - don't break it off, just don't check up in her as frequently. Every week should be sufficient.
As for honesty and voicing your concerns, you are the one who knows her best and you are the one who knows whether she can handle what you want to say or not.
I can understand it can be lonely, especially if there's nobody else to talk to, but maybe it could be a healthier choice for you to distance yourself just a little.
Try to preoccupy yourself with other things, like work, hobbies, goals, or/and search for more ways to communicate and build friendships...

Added later: I can see you've gotten all the responses you've needed. But still... Don't wear yourself out. I wish you could find some peace and balance in your life.