Experiences of rejection

[Chris12345]

Does anyone have any vivid experiences of being rejected?

There's one that stands out for me. It was the last day of a year at primary school, I would have been about 8. The teacher said she was going kiss everyone as they left her class.

So I waited at the back of the queue, anticipating the kiss. When it got to me I stood there and - nothing. I looked up and she had her arms crossed and was shaking her head. I was shocked - didn't expect to be the only one excluded - so I just quickly ran out of the classroom.

I think I might have suppressed the memory initially. I don't remember telling my parents or friends. But the last few years I've often thought of that. The message behind it is quite sad, it's basically saying I don't have any value. Or that she just didn't like me. Or both. And I had liked her and wanted to receive the kiss.

I'm 39 now, but I still think of that moment often. Any one else had an experience like that?

 

[thejuice]

Very strange teacher so inappropriate.

 

[kriss72]

Does anyone have any vivid experiences of being rejected?

There's one that stands out for me. It was the last day of a year at primary school, I would have been about 8. The teacher said she was going kiss everyone as they left her class.

So I waited at the back of the queue, anticipating the kiss. When it got to me I stood there and - nothing. I looked up and she had her arms crossed and was shaking her head. I was shocked - didn't expect to be the only one excluded - so I just quickly ran out of the classroom.

I think I might have suppressed the memory initially. I don't remember telling my parents or friends. But the last few years I've often thought of that. The message behind it is quite sad, it's basically saying I don't have any value. Or that she just didn't like me. Or both. And I had liked her and wanted to receive the kiss.

I'm 39 now, but I still think of that moment often. Any one else had an experience like that?

Sorry you had to experience that. That is just so wrong behavior of the teacher! I fortunately never experienced anything like that...

 

[thejuice]

There was a weirdo teacher at my school, she was inappropriate and asked us all to write down on a piece of paper a confession of which classmates we loved

 

[Neonatal RRT]

On the other hand, you're 39 now, not 8. So, what is the purpose of ruminating over the event? I don't want to come off as non-supportive here, but do realize that many of us have experienced all manner of horrible experiences, trauma, and PTSD. It seems a bit of the "autism experience", unfortunately, as is the inward, often negative thinking that causes us to sit and quietly replay all of those events, making us sink further and further into depression. For some reason, some want to be heard and acknowledged, some sympathy and empathy, to be validated, but in the end, it only serves to give us positive feedback for something that was really crappy in our lives, and this is not good, because we can always come up with another horrible event. Rinse and repeat. This is a bad cycle to get into from a mental health perspective.

Yes, all of this happened. However, you are a much more mature person with a lot more knowledge and life experience. Use the experience. Gain some wisdom. Whenever we are having those dark moments of thought, we need to step back and realize what is happening, and stop ourselves.

 

[Chris12345]

That seems a bit negative. It was just an experience that I remember and I thought it might help to bring it up and express it, see if anyone else had a similar experience.

I'm not trying to say that no one else has had a worse experience. I've had worse experiences than that, a traumatic experience that I can't remember, for example.

It's to do with self-esteem and value.

 

[Misty Avich]

Does anyone have any vivid experiences of being rejected?

There's one that stands out for me. It was the last day of a year at primary school, I would have been about 8. The teacher said she was going kiss everyone as they left her class.

So I waited at the back of the queue, anticipating the kiss. When it got to me I stood there and - nothing. I looked up and she had her arms crossed and was shaking her head. I was shocked - didn't expect to be the only one excluded - so I just quickly ran out of the classroom.

I think I might have suppressed the memory initially. I don't remember telling my parents or friends. But the last few years I've often thought of that. The message behind it is quite sad, it's basically saying I don't have any value. Or that she just didn't like me. Or both. And I had liked her and wanted to receive the kiss.

I'm 39 now, but I still think of that moment often. Any one else had an experience like that?

Yeah that was a bit strange of her. Did she think you had the plague or something? Maybe she thought you had a cold and didn't want to kiss you just in case. But when you don't take rejection very well it is hard to accept all these maybes. But I think it was an act of discrimination on her part.

When I was at school teachers weren't really allowed to kiss the students. We usually got sweets or something as we exited the classroom on the last day of term, and I was always included.

 

[Chris12345]

Yeah that was a bit strange of her. Did she think you had the plague or something? Maybe she thought you had a cold and didn't want to kiss you just in case. But when you don't take rejection very well it is hard to accept all these maybes. But I think it was an act of discrimination on her part.

When I was at school teachers weren't really allowed to kiss the students. We usually got sweets or something as we exited the classroom on the last day of term, and I was always included.

Obviously there was something different about me. At the time I didn't think there was. But now it pans out that I'm autistic (and have other mental health problems). I was happy at that time and it came as a surprise. It's just a memory that I keep coming back to so I thought I'd share it.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

That seems a bit negative. It was just an experience that I remember and I thought it might help to bring it up and express it, see if anyone else had a similar experience.

I'm not trying to say that no one else has had a worse experience. I've had worse experiences than that, a traumatic experience that I can't remember, for example.

It's to do with self-esteem and value.

I appreciate what was said, and I respect that, but at the same time it is a bit naive because there's a much bigger picture at play here. Let me explain. Autism is one of the "low dopamine" neurological conditions, so even if someone here isn't "clinically depressed", it doesn't take much to trigger us into a depressive state. Someone says or does something negative or reminds us of a bad time in our lives, it causes us to regress into that depression, and furthermore, many of us struggle with intrusive, repetitive thoughts, both good and bad, but if they are bad, no good comes of it. This idea that "talking things through will free the mind" is not necessarily true for the autistic individual, in fact, quite the opposite, as it appears to be in our nature to pull inward. Trying to "bond" with other autistic individuals by sharing our life's "war stories" is never helpful. I know, because I have responded to many of these threads and shared my stories. It only served to remind me of a past which I'd just assume forget, or at least use it as a cautionary tale and use as wisdom.

Frankly, I would rather us all focus on useful "life hacks" and create a supportive, positive group focused upon creating our own optimistic futures, not mulling over our past, the toxic people in our lives, negativity about all the things we are unable to do, or being envious or jealous about what other people have.

 

[Chris12345]

I can sort of see where you're coming from. Eckhart Tolle - a writer I have a great deal of time for - talks about creating "drama" when you complain, moan, etc. It's all just drama, even if it's just in your head. And I do feel I need to become emotionally more resilient and stop some of the self-pity and stop struggling so much mentally. Pull myself together to some extent.

But that memory is quite important to me. I think about it often. I don't think it's possible to rule in and out what is helpful in a black and white way. If a person is sincere in bringing up a negative memory and wants to discuss some of the implications of it, I don't think it's particularly helpful to try to rule that out of court, as you seem to be doing.

There's no simple way to say what is helpful and what isn't. It depends on the person.

 

[Misty Avich]

I understand how you feel on this. I have lots of times like this that happened like over 20 years ago that I still feel anxious about today. It's why I freak out whenever I feel rejected or treated differently, because it brings me back to some bad memories I have from childhood. I considered it a type of PTSD but apparently you've only got to be raped or other awful stuff like that to qualify for PTSD. But the strange thing is, I still have PTSD-like cognitive behaviours over these sorts of things (social rejection) on a similar level to how a victim of rape or something would have.

 

[Chris12345]

I understand how you feel on this. I have lots of times like this that happened like over 20 years ago that I still feel anxious about today. It's why I freak out whenever I feel rejected or treated differently, because it brings me back to some bad memories I have from childhood. I considered it a type of PTSD but apparently you've only got to be raped or other awful stuff like that to qualify for PTSD. But the strange thing is, I still have PTSD-like cognitive behaviours over these sorts of things (social rejection) on a similar level to how a victim of rape or something would have.

It's not as bad as that with me, to be fair. I think the issue with me is just feeling that I have some value. That incident makes me think - do I have any value? If my teacher - who I liked and respected - apparently didn't think so, then who's to say she isn't right?

Of course you can't live that way, thinking you don't have value. So it creates cognitive dissonance. I think that's what I'm trying to work through really.

 

[Misty Avich]

I do understand that too. Through high school I was treated like I didn't have any value. It hurt so, so bad, and it still hurts today if I remember it.

That's the downside of having an autobiographical memory like I do. Sure it sometimes feels like a gift to be able to store thousands of memories from my past in my head and remember them in great detail, from about the age of 3 or 4 years onwards. It's nostalgia, and I love nostalgia. But in other ways, it feels like a curse because the bad memories are also there, often haunting me.

People say to just "move on" but I hate when people say that. In some ways I have moved on, as I am getting on with my life; living with my husband, working, engaging in my hobbies, etc, etc. But nothing can stop me remembering some of the unpleasant things that I had to experience in the past and feeling resentful that I'd missed out on my teenage years by being Billy No Mates in early adolescence then a shut-in in my late teens/early adulthood, because I was "once bitten, twice shy".

 

[Seladon]

I appreciate what was said, and I respect that, but at the same time it is a bit naive because there's a much bigger picture at play here. Let me explain. Autism is one of the "low dopamine" neurological conditions, so even if someone here isn't "clinically depressed", it doesn't take much to trigger us into a depressive state. Someone says or does something negative or reminds us of a bad time in our lives, it causes us to regress into that depression, and furthermore, many of us struggle with intrusive, repetitive thoughts, both good and bad, but if they are bad, no good comes of it. This idea that "talking things through will free the mind" is not necessarily true for the autistic individual, in fact, quite the opposite, as it appears to be in our nature to pull inward. Trying to "bond" with other autistic individuals by sharing our life's "war stories" is never helpful. I know, because I have responded to many of these threads and shared my stories. It only served to remind me of a past which I'd just assume forget, or at least use it as a cautionary tale and use as wisdom.

Frankly, I would rather us all focus on useful "life hacks" and create a supportive, positive group focused upon creating our own optimistic futures, not mulling over our past, the toxic people in our lives, negativity about all the things we are unable to do, or being envious or jealous about what other people have.

If I may…

Atm thanks to adverse domestic and financial circumstances, I live with and assist with the care of an elderly person who due to senescence is slowly losing cognitive ability and the function of reflection, and if she lives longer will likely lose memory as well. It’s hard and sad to witness this decline, and the way a person’s entire bank of experiences both good and bad is disappearing into the ether.

Memory retention and sharing the distant past is what makes us human, and separates us from animals who live only in the eternal present and the recent, repeated past.

i.e pet Labrador recalls when his walks & dinners typically are due to previous days & weeks, and connects events with triggers like treats, but he doesn’t recall the times years ago when I stayed up and held him all night as a puppy while he cried because he wanted his mum. And we can’t discuss or share that memory together, it lives and dies with me alone (or it did…until I shared it with you. See?)

 

[jsilver256]

I appreciate what was said, and I respect that, but at the same time it is a bit naive because there's a much bigger picture at play here. Let me explain. Autism is one of the "low dopamine" neurological conditions, so even if someone here isn't "clinically depressed", it doesn't take much to trigger us into a depressive state. Someone says or does something negative or reminds us of a bad time in our lives, it causes us to regress into that depression, and furthermore, many of us struggle with intrusive, repetitive thoughts, both good and bad, but if they are bad, no good comes of it. This idea that "talking things through will free the mind" is not necessarily true for the autistic individual, in fact, quite the opposite, as it appears to be in our nature to pull inward. Trying to "bond" with other autistic individuals by sharing our life's "war stories" is never helpful. I know, because I have responded to many of these threads and shared my stories. It only served to remind me of a past which I'd just assume forget, or at least use it as a cautionary tale and use as wisdom.

Frankly, I would rather us all focus on useful "life hacks" and create a supportive, positive group focused upon creating our own optimistic futures, not mulling over our past, the toxic people in our lives, negativity about all the things we are unable to do, or being envious or jealous about what other people have.

That's an interesting perspective.

I've largely put behind most of my childhood memories behind me. Nothing good about them. The first and only one in my school district who was in sped classes but also in the gifted program, and pretty much friendless since age 12 except for online friends (who, curiously, happened to be autistic).

In the spirit of your post, the concept of rejection is interesting from a deaf perspective, because there's always been a physical barrier to acceptance for me. Like, it's never been an option to seek acceptance... with what communication skills?

I'm in my 40s and I've only recently experienced acceptance - from a set of coworkers who have stood up for me time and time again, and from my own church (which has a good chunk of neurodivergents including the pastor). It's humbling. It's an amazing feeling. I wish I could distill that into advice, but none of it was earned. But perhaps one takeaway could be that none of it was sought, either.

 

[Chris12345]

That's an interesting perspective.

I've largely put behind most of my childhood memories behind me. Nothing good about them. The first and only one in my school district who was in sped classes but also in the gifted program, and pretty much friendless since age 12 except for online friends (who, curiously, happened to be autistic).

In the spirit of your post, the concept of rejection is interesting from a deaf perspective, because there's always been a physical barrier to acceptance for me. Like, it's never been an option to seek acceptance... with what communication skills?

I'm in my 40s and I've only recently experienced acceptance - from a set of coworkers who have stood up for me time and time again, and from my own church (which has a good chunk of neurodivergents including the pastor). It's humbling. It's an amazing feeling. I wish I could distill that into advice, but none of it was earned. But perhaps one takeaway could be that none of it was sought, either.

Yeah, I feel that if you become desperate for acceptance, or for anything, then it tends to not happen.

It's not that I haven't felt acceptance. I have and still do to some extent, with friends and family. It was just that that was an early example of where I was rejected in a stark way. And it was unexpected too, because I was very happy at that point, my childhood was good.

I suppose I need to get beyond it really. It is part of a depressive sort of rumination.

 

[marc_101]

I do have experiences of rejection that I remember from time to time. They just come back to me as images, and I don't have much control over them. From time to time I think about them with more awareness. They don't have much power anymore, but my brain for some reason brings them back. Sometimes it can be helpful to engage with them, especially to question them.

For example, your experience is sad, but are you sure that it happened that way? That's what you remember, but the teacher behavior is odd and it could have happened in a different way. Perhaps she was teasing you. Perhaps you said something to her. Memories are fragile. It could help you re-frame the story so you stop attaching bad feelings to it.

 

[jsilver256]

Yes, what happened to OP seems like a bad idea for the teacher on multiple levels.

My youngest can’t pick up cues or emotions at all. Like, he gets so absorbed that he doesn’t hear us telling him to stop. He doesn’t register our annoyances etc. He can’t even seemingly tell the difference between a playful “stop” and a shouted “STOP THAT!” and the context in which he interprets that seems to be dependent on his own mood. Like, we could literally be shouting for his own safety and he thinks it’s a joke. So we have to act over-the-top angry to get him to realize that he wasn’t supposed to be doing something. And it’s heartbreaking because he really is so good-natured and he’s shocked to realize he’s been bad.

I remember the adults in my life being moody and capricious as a younger child. I’d be having fun in class, feeling like I wasn’t doing anything wrong. and then out of nowhere I’d be made to sit in a corner and get punished after school. Seeing my youngest misinterpret us all the time helped me reframe that.

 

[Chris12345]

I do have experiences of rejection that I remember from time to time. They just come back to me as images, and I don't have much control over them. From time to time I think about them with more awareness. They don't have much power anymore, but my brain for some reason brings them back. Sometimes it can be helpful to engage with them, especially to question them.

For example, your experience is sad, but are you sure that it happened that way? That's what you remember, but the teacher behavior is odd and it could have happened in a different way. Perhaps she was teasing you. Perhaps you said something to her. Memories are fragile. It could help you re-frame the story so you stop attaching bad feelings to it.

I don't think there's any way to reframe this one. I can remember it quite clearly. Maybe there's a different way I can respond to it though. A different way to think about it.

Of course, I can't know why she did that, because I don't know what was going on in her mind. Prior to that there was a clue as to her attitude, which at the time I didn't pick up on. She was writing puns on people's names for everyone in the class, as part of her way of saying goodbye to us. Someone pointed to me and said "do one for him", but she just shook her head. I noticed it but didn't think much of it at the time.

Anyway, as I say, a person needs to believe they have value and are worthwhile. Otherwise it's hard to continue. I think I'm a well intentioned person and try my best. Maybe that's not enough for everyone, but it's the best I can do.

 

[Misty Avich]

I think the teacher was being very unprofessional. It's immature of her to just single one child out. She should have known better.