Ex wife of asd partner

[Emg1404]

Hi

I am the ex wife of an ASD man who has always refused to seek disgnosis. We coparent our asd daughter .
I am NT

 

[Outdated]

Hi and welcome. I guess you're here looking for better understanding and that's a good thing, I hope some of our stories and experiences are helpful to you.

 

[Emg1404]

Hi

Thank you , Im actually looking for a community of ex or current partners who have had to move away from an autistic partner to save their sanity

 

[Rodafina]

Hello and welcome. It might be good for you to learn more about autism here for the sake of your daughter. We may be able to support you there.

 

[Aspychata]

That seems a little derogatory your statement. It's like me saying l had to move away from NT to stay sane. Anyways welcome to the forum, and may you find what a fantastic group of members are here, and find support.
Divorce is definitely a difficult time to go through. The first year was the hardest. Have you had any family support?

 

[Emg1404]

Yeah . The situation I am facing for myself is summed up in this Asdmarriage.com article . I’m trying to establish abuse towards myself and I’d be very interested to hear opinions on this -I can provide more context if required

 

[Emg1404]

That seems a little derogatory your statement. It's like me saying l had to move away from NT to stay sane. Anyways welcome to the forum, and may you find what a fantastic group of members are here, and find support.

 

[Emg1404]

I am sorry - you are correct - I am in no way conflating autism with an increased tendency towards spousal abuse however I am aware that my words may be seen as derogatory-this is not my intention at all and I sincerely apologise.

I am trying to establish whether my ex husband’s actions were abusive , actions I justified to myself as being something he could not control.

 

[Rodafina]

I am sorry - you are correct - I am in no way conflating autism with an increased tendency towards spousal abuse however I am aware that my words may be seen as derogatory-this is not my intention at all and I sincerely apologise.

I am trying to establish whether my ex husband’s actions were abusive , actions I justified to myself as being something he could not control.

As you ask yourself these questions, always remember that we are each unique and autism is not the only thing that defines us. If you are able to spend time here, you will see that there is a huge array of men on the forum whose autism does not cause them to mistreat others even in their deepest desperation.

If there are concerns of abusive behavior, then I would encourage you to also think about this through the experiences of your daughter. I wonder how she is processing things and what her time with her parents separately is like.

 

[Aspychata]

Sadly, abusive spouses are more normal then l would like to admit in any cross-section of the population. Sorry that you went thru this. It's quite acceptable to talk about what emotions you cycle thru, if you feel comfortable discussing this. Divorce can definitely make you feel quite raw, especially if you stayed married longer then you should, and or the divorce filing was where you really saw how abusive your ex was.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Emg1404

Collectively. we have more experience with ASD's, and with ASD's ex's and their motivations than you do.

Abuse is a (very) strong word in 2023. Please don't use it without explaining the background and the specific actions you feel are abusive.

FYI: Aspies are, on aggregate, less inclined to genuine abuse than NT's.
There are a few "bad apples" of course, but we lean towards being avoidant rather than aggressive or manipulative.

 

[Aspychata]

Only discuss what you feel comfortable discussing. You don't need to explain anything more. We aren't here to blame anybody, this is a safe place to help process what you need to.

 

[Outdated]

If you are able to spend time here, you will see that there is a huge array of men on the forum whose autism does not cause them to mistreat others even in their deepest desperation.

There are a few "bad apples" of course, but we lean towards being avoidant rather than aggressive or manipulative.

I can't speak for others but the two above statements pretty much define me.

It's very rare for me to get truly angry with someone and when I do I am still very much controlled by my innate sense of fairness. No matter what I think I want I always end up doing what is right, sometimes against my better judgement.

 

[Emg1404]

As you ask yourself these questions, always remember that we are each unique and autism is not the only thing that defines us. If you are able to spend time here, you will see that there is a huge array of men on the forum whose autism does not cause them to mistreat others even in their deepest desperation.

If there are concerns of abusive behavior, then I would encourage you to also think about this through the experiences of your daughter. I wonder how she is processing things and what her time with her parents separately is like.

Thank you- I will immerse myself in the POVs here to gain more perspectives and yes it is so important to state that a ND diagnosis is not the only variable that influences someones’ behaviour.

In truth, I’m questioning my ex husbands behaviour after 11 years of marriage and coparenting for 4 after our separation. I’ve possibly not been strong enough to face the reality of him being abusive to me and to the family.
As a first line of defence I’m trying to establish abuse towards me to then reverse engineer what effect this may have had on her so I know how to protect her.

To provide context -she mainly lives in his house which was the family home - she likes the predictability of the routine he provides and the familiarity of her bedroom . She’s 14 and was diagnosed ASD last year.

I left the marriage with the intention of protecting her from his behaviours that I found abusive. He would not leave the home so I bought a place 2 mins away from him so that our daughter would have both parents .

NB he loves her very much and manages his behaviours around her , I think he fears losing her

 

[Rodafina]

Thank you- I will immerse myself in the POVs here to gain more perspectives and yes it is so important to state that a ND diagnosis is not the only variable that influences someones’ behaviour.

In truth, I’m questioning my ex husbands behaviour after 11 years of marriage and coparenting for 4 after our separation. I’ve possibly not been strong enough to face the reality of him being abusive to me and to the family.
As a first line of defence I’m trying to establish abuse towards me to then reverse engineer what effect this may have had on her so I know how to protect her.

To provide context -she mainly lives in his house which was the family home - she likes the predictability of the routine he provides and the familiarity of her bedroom . She’s 14 and was diagnosed ASD last year.

I left the marriage with the intention of protecting her from his behaviours that I found abusive. He would not leave the home so I bought a place 2 mins away from him so that our daughter would have both parents .

NB he loves her very much and manages his behaviours around her , I think he fears losing her

Setting aside notions of being neurodivergent or neurotypical, there are so many people here who were subjected to abuse in their relationships throughout life. So, even though our neurotypes may be different, I think you will find understanding here for how difficult it can be to find yourself in an abusive relationship and how confusing it is to get yourself out of it. This sort of hurt is something humans across neurotypes can understand, and many here understand it all too well.

 

[Emg1404]

I agree and thank you all for letting me be part of this community to learn more.
Now that I’m ‘seeing’ my situation anew I’m finding echoes of what’s being said here . Abuse is abuse and each of us is responsible for how we treat others no matter our wiring. If you are repeatedly told to stop a behaviour because it causes harm then you have been given many opportunities to change

 

[Outdated]

I agree and thank you all for letting me be part of this community to learn more.

I just want to reiterate my welcome. As valuable as I think some of our insights might be to you, I think that you might also have some insights that are valuable to us. If you feel you're able to contribute anywhere please do.

 

[Emg1404]

I just want to reiterate my welcome. As valuable as I think some of our insights might be to you, I think that you might also have some insights that are valuable to us. If you feel you're able to contribute anywhere please do.

Thank you

 

[Alexej]

Hi

Thank you , Im actually looking for a community of ex or current partners who have had to move away from an autistic partner to save their sanity

Adult Life - AANE

Explore resources and insights for adults on the autism spectrum as they navigate the complexities of adult life. AANE offers valuable support and information to empower individuals with autism

www.aane.org

Ex-Partners of Autistic Adults Discussion Forum​

This group serves those who are divorced or separated from an autistic adult. Here you will have the opportunity to offer and receive support, to strategize, and to share experiences with others who might relate to your situation. Grace Myhill, MSW, is the group moderator. Grace is a neurodiverse couples coach. She has facilitated Spouse/Partner Groups for AANE since 2004 and has coached many neurodiverse couples. To Join: Scroll down and complete the sign-up form.


Try this group.

I am not saying you wont find what you are looking for here, but this place came to my mind.

Wishing you well in looking for a group that works for you

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I believe that abuse and cruelty towards another is an ethical failing. That is why, ever since I worked on myself as a young adult not knowing I was autistic, I have bent towards acceptance and kindness. Sociopathy is probably represented equally in both NT and ND populations so there will be autistics with a sense of entitlement who gaslight others and treat them cruelly. I nearly became isolated and abusive when life changes would trigger PTSD from an earlier time in my life. That is when I did not hesitate to get appropriate counseling.