Thank you- I will immerse myself in the POVs here to gain more perspectives and yes it is so important to state that a ND diagnosis is not the only variable that influences someones’ behaviour.
In truth, I’m questioning my ex husbands behaviour after 11 years of marriage and coparenting for 4 after our separation. I’ve possibly not been strong enough to face the reality of him being abusive to me and to the family.
As a first line of defence I’m trying to establish abuse towards me to then reverse engineer what effect this may have had on her so I know how to protect her.
To provide context -she mainly lives in his house which was the family home - she likes the predictability of the routine he provides and the familiarity of her bedroom . She’s 14 and was diagnosed ASD last year.
I left the marriage with the intention of protecting her from his behaviours that I found abusive. He would not leave the home so I bought a place 2 mins away from him so that our daughter would have both parents .
NB he loves her very much and manages his behaviours around her , I think he fears losing her
Hi and welcome from a very recent member, who has little more knowledge about NT people, despite finding myself in the category after a long life of being unware of what I was, only the effects of it were apparent.
First off, I think just coming here with the attitude you've shown, is a huge step towards resolving things through better understanding, and shows an open mind and sympathetic outlook to me. Welcome mistakes as they are a way to learn more (and sorry, I do long posts!).
All these interactions between family and loved one's are very complex, and greatly nuanced and 'fertilised' in a bed of subtext, most of which is assumed to be common, but rarely is in truth. From my experience, the moment I, or someone else, decides they know something with certainty about what someone else means by their actions and words, we've missed something, possibly a lot. I'm talking about people, not types of people. When you add the different modes of thinking (and much more), this only makes a difficult thing harder to understand with any degree of confidence.
I would imagine from what you've said, you're daughter is the most important part of this for both of you?
I'm not claiming to be an expert at all, though I do have an adult daughter, diagnosed ADHD, but that gives me little insight to your situation.
But reading your comment:
"As a first line of defence I’m trying to establish abuse towards me to then reverse engineer what effect this may have had on her so I know how to protect her."
I'm not sure this would be a productive way forward, in my own opinion only, of course.
My reason is that to try and reverse engineer something that's so complex and full of unknowns, it seems it would be unlikely to result in an accurate conclusion that would help, and if you could manage that, it would take a very long time to do so, and also involve a lot of positive input from your ex. A lot of unknowns at best, to my view.
Maybe another possible way to approach (and of course
you know the circumstance, not I!) would be from a more reactive position to start with - how is your daughter? What does she feel about this? What does she want? etc.
All difficult questions, and I don't have the experience or knowledge to tell you how myself. But it seems to me, the one known, the thing that need not be guessed at, is you daughter, how she is, what she wants, and hardest of, what she needs? But whatever, it all comes from her, it's finding a way to make her able to put that across without pressures of guilt and her place between you and your ex's division, and even how she really views that change?
I'm an amateur idiot (well, as an idiot, I'm very pro!), so don't take any of that as gospel, but maybe more as food for thought, even if it doesn't make any connection in the end?
Good luck with your search.
www.aane.org
