Can someone help me decode this message?

[autism-and-autotune]

I'm trying not to analyze it or decode it or dwell on it too much; I'll need to think, but some perspective of others would be helpful. Thanks in advance.

I am wary because I simply don't know if they are sincere, or trying to lure me back in as narcissists are wont to do.

 

[Forest Cat]

After reading that I feel bad and want to call them. So all I can say is call your parents. Family is family and I don't see any problems with the text.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

After reading that I feel bad and want to call them. So all I can say is call your parents. Family is family and I don't see any problems with the text.

Well, I appreciate your perspective but there are multiple reasons why I have been no contact with them over the past few years. All of them dysfunctional and abuse related. Should family abuse family?

 

[mysterionz]

I think they’re trying to lure you back in since you went NC with them, OP. I’d try to stay far away from your parents as you could. No second chances.

 

[Outdated]

First up, I think it's nice that they're reaching out to you in this way, I simply never heard from my family ever again.

I'd respond to them but be very cautious and set hard boundaries. Start with email contact only, that way you get chance to think before you reply to them, or even if you'll reply to them.

Try to find a way of being a little conciliatory without relaxing set boundaries. Try to give them something they can live with whilst setting those boundaries. Maybe something along the lines of "I don't hate you but you have character and personality traits that trigger the worst side of my autism and I can't afford to have the same relationship with you that I had as a child.".

I feel for you, I wonder how I would feel if I ever heard from my family again. It's been so many years that it would totally weird me out.

 

[Aspychata]

Truthfully, ONLY you know the answer. I haven't gone through what you have, and therefore, it would presumptive of me to say anything. If your gut says no, then don't get in touch with them. My family has dumped me so many times, that l keep a distance now.

 

[Aryana]

They are your parents despite what has happened in the past. You owe it to yourself and them to listen to what they have to say. You don't want to live with regret. If you don't like what they say then you can walk away!

 

[Stuttermabolur]

I agree with @Outdated's advice.

Honestly, I suggest you let them know you are not ready to talk now (because to be honest, it doesn't seem like you are), and you will only reach out to them later, on your own terms. This can be years in the future if you don't feel like it. Their response to that email should give you a hint as to whether they actually regret their actions and are willing to listen, or whether they simply miss the opportunity to rag on you.

I'm personally more forgiving than others, and I did appreciate the tone (though it's certainly possible it's written in a reconciliatory tone to make you take the bait), but I don't think it would lead to a good outcome if you see them in person soon (where you are at a disadvantage) unless you really want to. You don't owe them anything, but I think reconciliation or at least understanding can be helpful as long as everyone is genuine in wanting it.

 

[Hypnalis]

@autism-and-autotune

The message itself is straightforward - it doesn't need "decoding".

On the other hand, you've mentioned that they are narcissists. If that's the case, there's certainly a problem. Narcissists only tell the truth by accident, so from your perspective, the words can't be taken at face value either.

I wonder if what you want from the forum is help to review your NC decision?
That can't be done based on what you've shared here - there's too little information.

FWIW the first sentence is a small red flag - but just an indicator, not solid evidence of anything.
I'm wondering if your father is the core of the problem, your mother is an enabler, and the letter is only from her?
:
:
If you're 100% sure they're real narcissists, a reminder: narcissists (or a narc and an enabler) are absolutely and incurably selfish. If they want contact, it's to get some or all of your money, your children, your time, or spare parts.

So there's a low probability path: if you're able to talk to them, you can bypass all the analysis by doing so (i.e. go LC (electronic only) rather than NC), fake your side of it, and observe. If they want something they'll make it clear sooner or later ...
... but remember it's will be a great sales pitch - don't talk to them if you're soft-hearted.
Being a nice person is a good thing, not a bad thing, but it makes you vulnerable to liars and takers/exploiters.

I could do this, but I'm not "sentimental" at all - for me, talking to someone I've disengaged from is like talking to a stranger. There might be a way forward, but it literally starts from zero.

If you can't trust yourself to maintain psychological distance, the plan is easy:
* Do nothing different (so if you're already 100% NC, don't reply)
* Wait for the next begging letter, and revaluate the situation.
* "rinse and repeat"

In principle there are other possibilities, but if you can't be sure you won't re-attach psychologically, and that's why you're NC, you must not allow them to renormalize the relationship on their terms.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

I think they’re trying to lure you back in since you went NC with them, OP. I’d try to stay far away from your parents as you could. No second chances.

I sense you're correct; no second chances. *Although* it could prov to be a point where I let them know about *everything* they put me through and hint about my autism, and then say 'No, never speak to me again.' That would be salt in the wound for sure. It's just so frustrating when they appear sincere.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

First up, I think it's nice that they're reaching out to you in this way, I simply never heard from my family ever again.

I'd respond to them but be very cautious and set hard boundaries. Start with email contact only, that way you get chance to think before you reply to them, or even if you'll reply to them.

Try to find a way of being a little conciliatory without relaxing set boundaries. Try to give them something they can live with whilst setting those boundaries. Maybe something along the lines of "I don't hate you but you have character and personality traits that trigger the worst side of my autism and I can't afford to have the same relationship with you that I had as a child.".

I feel for you, I wonder how I would feel if I ever heard from my family again. It's been so many years that it would totally weird me out.

I like your advice very much!

Something they can live with? Hmm...it's interesting to consider. As far as disclosing my autism, I'm not sure I'm comfortable to do that yet although I'd only go so far as saying something like 'I've learned more about the effects of my premature birth, and it's something which should've been caught while I was living under your roof. Blaming me for my issues related to this phenomenon was wrong; you should have been trying to find out why and not just get mad about it.' I recognize all aspects of my autism in them both too, so...

But yes--being point-blank with them both about trauma is definitely something I'll do.

I'm sorry that ties with your family were abruptly cut. And yes...this email just strikes me as weird.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Truthfully, ONLY you know the answer. I haven't gone through what you have, and therefore, it would presumptive of me to say anything. If your gut says no, then don't get in touch with them. My family has dumped me so many times, that l keep a distance now.

But I don't know what my gut is saying! I'd hate to leave them hanging, because no closure drives me, an autist, up the wall and I'm sure it does for them too. As I said above, it's a chance for me to come clean about everything, and say that my fiance despises them both for the treatment they put me through during youth, but I just don't know how/if to articulate.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

They are your parents despite what has happened in the past. You owe it to yourself and them to listen to what they have to say. You don't want to live with regret. If you don't like what they say then you can walk away!

Hmm, I see what you're saying. But it also seems that they are curious the more on what I have been through, so....it's just frustrating if I pen my whole heart out and they only read and interpret what they want to, and not what is written.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

I agree with @Outdated's advice.

Honestly, I suggest you let them know you are not ready to talk now (because to be honest, it doesn't seem like you are), and you will only reach out to them later, on your own terms. This can be years in the future if you don't feel like it. Their response to that email should give you a hint as to whether they actually regret their actions and are willing to listen, or whether they simply miss the opportunity to rag on you.

I'm personally more forgiving than others, and I did appreciate the tone (though it's certainly possible it's written in a reconciliatory tone to make you take the bait), but I don't think it would lead to a good outcome if you see them in person soon (where you are at a disadvantage) unless you really want to. You don't owe them anything, but I think reconciliation or at least understanding can be helpful as long as everyone is genuine in wanting it.

Hmm...you're right; I'm not ready to talk now but at the same time there's too much to say. I worry that if I start to write a reply then everything will come out, as if I'm a word-volcano. But yes; do they miss me as me or me as the version of a child, as one who was easy to manipulate and control and command and influence?

Yeah; is it bate? No, I don't want to see them in person. Understanding may be helpful, yes. I'll think on what you've suggested.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

@autism-and-autotune

The message itself is straightforward - it doesn't need "decoding".

On the other hand, you've mentioned that they are narcissists. If that's the case, there's certainly a problem. Narcissists only tell the truth by accident, so from your perspective, the words can't be taken at face value either.

I wonder if what you want from the forum is help to review your NC decision?
That can't be done based on what you've shared here - there's too little information.

FWIW the first sentence is a small red flag - but just an indicator, not solid evidence of anything.
I'm wondering if your father is the core of the problem, your mother is an enabler, and the letter is only from her?
:
:
If you're 100% sure they're real narcissists, a reminder: narcissists (or a narc and an enabler) are absolutely and incurably selfish. If they want contact, it's to get some or all of your money, your children, your time, or spare parts.

So there's a low probability path: if you're able to talk to them, you can bypass all the analysis by doing so (i.e. go LC (electronic only) rather than NC), fake your side of it, and observe. If they want something they'll make it clear sooner or later ...
... but remember it's will be a great sales pitch - don't talk to them if you're soft-hearted.
Being a nice person is a good thing, not a bad thing, but it makes you vulnerable to liars and takers/exploiters.

I could do this, but I'm not "sentimental" at all - for me, talking to someone I've disengaged from is like talking to a stranger. There might be a way forward, but it literally starts from zero.

If you can't trust yourself to maintain psychological distance, the plan is easy:
* Do nothing different (so if you're already 100% NC, don't reply)
* Wait for the next begging letter, and revaluate the situation.
* "rinse and repeat"

In principle there are other possibilities, but if you can't be sure you won't re-attach psychologically, and that's why you're NC, you must not allow them to renormalize the relationship on their terms.

Your perspective is very helpful to read; thank you.

My mother is the narcissist, and my father the enabler. But it's clear that the only thing they want is me, and to hear from and understand me. But understand which version of me?

Whoops, regarding your other bit---I never respond to my mother at all because all she ever has to say is complaints, laments, other things; also Facebook messaging no longer works. I communicate as little as possible with my father via email, and it's rarely. I never reach out for birthdays, or holidays, or Christmas; not since my diagnosis. It's doubly issue because mom would always say, "Well dad is always the favourite! How come no one talks to me?" Well, gee, mom....I wonder...

Oh yes, I've learned the difference between being nice and vulnerable and how it may also be dangerous. How do I be empathetic but not cover myself in bread before a beach full of seagulls?

That's what I've noticed too. Discussions are transactional with them. They care about basics, like how money is going, how my partner is doing--from a superficial perspective--mow the home is, etc. But I've never been able to reveal deep, personal information with them.

Hmm...I've been incredibly LC with them for almost three years; only seeing them three times.


I appreciate the good they did in life, but I don't like who they are as people. I don't like how I feel when I'm around them (a point if I made which would be turned around so that my feelings are causing the issue) and I can agree that I was shaped by them, both good and bad. But the real thing that makes me very angry at them is that it took me to find out that I have autism, and that they never helped me with it. That's the catalyst for me for originally cutting them out of my mind.

 

[Rodafina]

Hi @autism-and-autotune

My first reaction to the message is that it’s odd to be one message from two people. I know this might make sense to a lot of married couples, but really it would’ve been nice to hear individual perspectives from your parents. Although they may have constructed the email together and agree on many things, it would’ve made more sense to me for them to each send you a note saying what is in their hearts.

Everything they say sounds reasonable, apologizing with a short explanation, but not making excuses and focusing on your discomfort with their behavior.

Plus, they invite you to either have a conversation with them or not and claim they will respect your decision.

Without a history of abuse and narcissism, this email would be a very welcomed thing for me from someone who I cared about. But as others have noticed, only you will be able to decipher if their words align with their thoughts and their behavior for real.

I think this is more about you and what you want. I wouldn’t recommend contacting them because of their wishes, but rather if it is something that you think you want. If no contact has been healthy and balancing and brings contentment for you, perhaps it is best to stay the course you are on. But if you wonder about them and you miss them at all and you are uncomfortable with no contact, perhaps this is a chance to reinstate contact but with your own strong boundaries.

Best of luck with your decision. It seems that you are in a terribly confusing position.

 

[Aryana]

They are your parents despite what has happened in the past. You owe it to yourself and them to listen to what they have to say. You don't want to live with regret. If you don't like what they say then you can walk away!

Do you have any siblings?just curious how their relationship is with your parents. It's hard for us to give you a correct answer because none of us have experienced what you did growing up and how your parents were to you. My advice is I know personally I would need some sort of closure one way or the other. Also they can turn around and say well. We tried. We were the better ones. We at least tried and he did not. You don't want that either. Don't give them that satisfaction. If you cant do it in person then verbally maybe on the phone.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

Your own instincts will probably be the most correct, here, autism-and-autotune. I agree with others that a lot of the letter sounds respectful and reasonable. But you know them better, and abusive people know how to turn on the charm.

It's also very professional-sounding, which is odd. Plus the use of therapy speak. They're "grieving" your absence while doing all this fun stuff? I don't know. It all sounds kind of hollow to me, and like they want to give you a sense of power to get what they want. But, I don't know them. Still, I feel like a lawyer wrote this

 

[VAW]

I'm trying not to analyze it or decode it or dwell on it too much; I'll need to think, but some perspective of others would be helpful. Thanks in advance.

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I am wary because I simply don't know if they are sincere, or trying to lure me back in as narcissists are wont to do.

Narcissists are hard to live with, I have dealt with that, and everything evolves around what they want. However, I have to say this as a mother, we are not perfect, we all have our flaws. Sometimes we do wrong things or let our personality flaws take over, life gets hard for us too at times but despite all my own flaws, I love my children and would be devastated if they wouldn't talk to me. My ex was a Narcissist and my oldest son refused to see him or talk to him until his father died and he has no regrets it seems. Maybe your parents understand more that they are flawed (a lot of times we can see it so easy in someone else but not in ourselves) and want to extend an olive branch, try to deal with everything and try to make it better. Me personally I would give it a chance, see what happens, if it doesn't work out then you have no regrets of what may have been. You may not want to be close, but it does mean a lot to me when my kids call and say how are you doing? Or say I love you!
Figuring this out from a parent's perspective it sounds like something I may write myself trying to fix the problem. IT sounds sincere more to me but without knowing much about your parents it is hard to tell. I know darn well that my ex could be very charming when he wanted something, but then fall right back into his old ways after. Like they said do what your heart tells you to do.

 

[AO1501]

I don't know the parents in this instance, but the word 'narcissist' rings a very, VERY loud warning bell for me. I am dealing, right now, with two of them on my wife's side of the family, and these people only see themselves and their needs as relevant and worthy of consideration. Nothing a narcissist does can be trusted on face value, and nothing they say can be taken as the truth.

The very fact that in this instance the parents apparently turned up unannounced isn't critical to me, but they indicate that they did so after making several attempts to make contact by various means and didn't get a response really does. It means they were not actually trying to send a message, but had the actual purpose of forcing a response - making someone reply who clearly did not want to. Even then, on the basis of their issue not anybody else's.

Trying to deal with narcissists who want only - or even primarily - to draw you in and get you to interact with them is a severe risk to mental health, and once they have engaged you, escaping again is very difficult and painful.

To the OP: If there is a reason you backed away from them in the first place, and these are narcissists, bear in mind they will use just about any means to draw you back in, including escalating the issues they present to ever increasing criticality. It is easy to advise that responding is a good thing or to 'just try it and see', since that's what we'd all want to do with those we care about who are normal, but narcissists are not normal, and responding is only safe if you have a known-good plan to extricate yourself again if/when it goes wrong... and that includes being able to recognize when it starts to go wrong, not once it reaches a proportion where it is hard, or impossible, to reassert yourself and withdraw.