Can someone help me decode this message?

[autism-and-autotune]

I don't know the parents in this instance, but the word 'narcissist' rings a very, VERY loud warning bell for me. I am dealing, right now, with two of them on my wife's side of the family, and these people only see themselves and their needs as relevant and worthy of consideration. Nothing a narcissist does can be trusted on face value, and nothing they say can be taken as the truth.

The very fact that in this instance the parents apparently turned up unannounced isn't critical to me, but they indicate that they did so after making several attempts to make contact by various means and didn't get a response really does. It means they were not actually trying to send a message, but had the actual purpose of forcing a response - making someone reply who clearly did not want to. Even then, on the basis of their issue not anybody else's.

Trying to deal with narcissists who want only - or even primarily - to draw you in and get you to interact with them is a severe risk to mental health, and once they have engaged you, escaping again is very difficult and painful.

To the OP: If there is a reason you backed away from them in the first place, and these are narcissists, bear in mind they will use just about any means to draw you back in, including escalating the issues they present to ever increasing criticality. It is easy to advise that responding is a good thing or to 'just try it and see', since that's what we'd all want to do with those we care about who are normal, but narcissists are not normal, and responding is only safe if you have a known-good plan to extricate yourself again if/when it goes wrong... and that includes being able to recognize when it starts to go wrong, not once it reaches a proportion where it is hard, or impossible, to reassert yourself and withdraw.

Thanks for your observations--bells were ringing very loud for me too throughout, especially on re-reads and hearing what everyone has to say. I'm sorry to hear of the narcissists which you are dealing with currently.

Well, the invasion was a huge fiasco. They don't know that I'd never respond via email to such news. they showed up to give me a Christmas gift mailed by my sister, dressed finely, and with their yapping dogs. "We knew you'd be home because it's a holiday from school," my father said. red flag red flag red flag

My mother wants a 'close relationship' to better control me. She does not care about my feelings, but rather how she can use my feelings against me in the present or later on. Anytime we brought up concerns, she'd spin it as 'well now I feel like a bad mother!' Great--why don't you listen and work on your behaviour, then?

Thank you for restating what I should also remind myself: if there's a reason, stick to the reason and don't budge. But the lure of false promise is so tempting. Thank you very very much for your write-up, and your perspective.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Narcissists are hard to live with, I have dealt with that, and everything evolves around what they want. However, I have to say this as a mother, we are not perfect, we all have our flaws. Sometimes we do wrong things or let our personality flaws take over, life gets hard for us too at times but despite all my own flaws, I love my children and would be devastated if they wouldn't talk to me. My ex was a Narcissist and my oldest son refused to see him or talk to him until his father died and he has no regrets it seems. Maybe your parents understand more that they are flawed (a lot of times we can see it so easy in someone else but not in ourselves) and want to extend an olive branch, try to deal with everything and try to make it better. Me personally I would give it a chance, see what happens, if it doesn't work out then you have no regrets of what may have been. You may not want to be close, but it does mean a lot to me when my kids call and say how are you doing? Or say I love you!
Figuring this out from a parent's perspective it sounds like something I may write myself trying to fix the problem. IT sounds sincere more to me but without knowing much about your parents it is hard to tell. I know darn well that my ex could be very charming when he wanted something, but then fall right back into his old ways after. Like they said do what your heart tells you to do.

Hmm, I appreciate the perspective you have as a mother. You even admitting that you have flaws is way better than anything my mother could ever admit. I think they can deal with flaws and mistakes outside of a family perspective--like professionally, for example--but greater personality traits are nothing more than 'just who they are.' They do not know how to improve themselves or hear outside criticism and observations in order to improve behaviour.

I think where I'm getting hung up is the prospect of connecting with them and having them understand who I am. But that means them accepting that I have autism, which I inherited from both of them. And because narcissists see their offspring as extensions of themselves, then they'd never accept that I have something so drastically 'wrong' with me. I recognize all the same traits I have in them.

See, your right! Turning on the charm is exactly what they do! and it's so much of a good disguise. If I can recognize what is happening and what will happen, then that makes my path all the clearer.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Your own instincts will probably be the most correct, here, autism-and-autotune. I agree with others that a lot of the letter sounds respectful and reasonable. But you know them better, and abusive people know how to turn on the charm.

It's also very professional-sounding, which is odd. Plus the use of therapy speak. They're "grieving" your absence while doing all this fun stuff? I don't know. It all sounds kind of hollow to me, and like they want to give you a sense of power to get what they want. But, I don't know them. Still, I feel like a lawyer wrote this

That's the scary thing--how good some of the letter sounds, and how it appeals to my emotions. She wants me to feel sympathy because 'they're getting old'.

And you're right! Why say they are sad when they do all this fun stuff? They recently traveled to where my sister lives and I assume had a grand old time. I don't care if they include me; I like being alone.

Yeah, which lawyer wrote this? Did she contact Saul Goodman or something? *laughing ensues*

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Do you have any siblings?just curious how their relationship is with your parents. It's hard for us to give you a correct answer because none of us have experienced what you did growing up and how your parents were to you. My advice is I know personally I would need some sort of closure one way or the other. Also they can turn around and say well. We tried. We were the better ones. We at least tried and he did not. You don't want that either. Don't give them that satisfaction. If you cant do it in person then verbally maybe on the phone.

I have an older sister who lives across the sea. She absolutely hates the guts of our mother, but feels an immense amount of pity and sympathy for our father. I wonder how she'd feel if he ever hit her, or lay a finger on her in anger as he did to me? She pities him because of the manipulations he's been through by our mother; I hate him for never having the strength to be more than an enabler. So, I'd say it's a mixed bag of feelings.

Sure, I'd want closure too. The most I'd consider doing is going no-contact legally and saying something.

I'd do it on the phone but my stammer has become worse, and I hate talking on the phone anyways.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

They are your parents despite what has happened in the past. You owe it to yourself and them to listen to what they have to say. You don't want to live with regret. If you don't like what they say then you can walk away!

What if my regret is having anything to do with them? 'Despite what happened in the past', like wanting to kill myself in their house due to the pressure they put on me? Like feeling the need to hide my autism because who knows how they'd react? Like being 'all right' with the physical abuse they put my sister and myself through? Oh, it's all in the past--sure.

No thanks.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Hi @autism-and-autotune

My first reaction to the message is that it’s odd to be one message from two people. I know this might make sense to a lot of married couples, but really it would’ve been nice to hear individual perspectives from your parents. Although they may have constructed the email together and agree on many things, it would’ve made more sense to me for them to each send you a note saying what is in their hearts.

Everything they say sounds reasonable, apologizing with a short explanation, but not making excuses and focusing on your discomfort with their behavior.

Plus, they invite you to either have a conversation with them or not and claim they will respect your decision.

Without a history of abuse and narcissism, this email would be a very welcomed thing for me from someone who I cared about. But as others have noticed, only you will be able to decipher if their words align with their thoughts and their behavior for real.

I think this is more about you and what you want. I wouldn’t recommend contacting them because of their wishes, but rather if it is something that you think you want. If no contact has been healthy and balancing and brings contentment for you, perhaps it is best to stay the course you are on. But if you wonder about them and you miss them at all and you are uncomfortable with no contact, perhaps this is a chance to reinstate contact but with your own strong boundaries.

Best of luck with your decision. It seems that you are in a terribly confusing position.

Whoops, I never replied to your comment--sorry!

No; this email is entirely constructed by the mother. I have never heard anything sincere or heartfelt from my father at all--probably because he just doesn't know how to communicate his thoughts properly due to his own undiagnosed autism. She speaks 'for' him, and uses the royal 'we' to make it seem like there are two people involved. There's only one.

Oh yes--it sounds reasonable. However her apology offers more of a justification for the actions, I think. Almost like saying "Well I'm sorry I slapped you but I'm going through a lot at the moment and couldn't control my temper." That's certainly not...well, a true apology!

The invitation to talk and bare all is certainly tempting. But will they actually understand and change their behaviour and ways of thinking? And also they'll say anything to gain our trust before doing the same damage over and over. From the outside looking in, it would be very easy to fall for something like this.

No contact has made me the happiest and healthiest I've ever been! And...it's interesting that you write, wondering if I miss them. I've got to think on that for a moment. Have I ever missed my parents? Or was I mostly grateful for the room to breathe? Also, once I let my guard down and do away with boundaries, it's just another foothold for them. I'm trying to think of a metaphor but can't.

I appreciate your words! Confusing, yes, but the many responses here have cleared up a lot of confusion.

 

[Rodafina]

Confusing, yes, but the many responses here have cleared up a lot of confusion.

No worries about responding to every single post! It is evident you appreciate people’s posts and are taking them all in.

I am so glad to hear that the responses you’re getting here are helping to solidify your thinking. That’s all we can do is offer our diverse thoughts and you have all the information and the history of experiences to truly make sense of things.

Clearly you have been very open to an array of opinions here, and so I think you can have great faith and trust in yourself and your feelings that are life preserving right now.

 

[1ForAll]

I appreciate you offering both the pros and cons here. I hadn't even really thought that far when thinking if I should respond or not.

I trust your observations and find most of it suspicious too. They would want me at their house so I can feel like a child again. They would want 'a third party'--and not my fiance, note--because an outsider is easier to manipulate. Not my fiance because they loathe my parents and see through the facade. They don't want a public, neutral space because then they have to be 'on good behaviour' and cannot interrogate or ream me out.

Neither of my parents have ever apologized for anything wrong. Even back a few months when I told my father I'd not attend the funeral, explaining why the actions were harmful, it was...radio silence. Notice too that in this letter she justifies the actions regarding invading our home. Even your hypothetical plan for apologies and becoming better sounds eons better than what they've ever done.

You've given a good suggestion. While acknowledgement of the letter might be good and polite, any response of any kind would mean that she 'wins.' Regardless if my reply is negative or positive, it'll be used as fuel and supply for sympathy from other people. They cannot punish me simply for doing nothing.

I do not think they miss me as I am, but they miss me when I was a child--obedient and trusting and easily able to be controlled. They do not miss the 'me' who is independent and his own authentic self. I agree that it's so hard to determine what is authentic here and what is pure narcissistic web-weaving.

Thank you a lot for your observations and dissection of this. Your perspective is helpful indeed

Thanks. Based on the more information you gave, I personally feel your approach, beliefs and concerns seem very fair. Your suspiciousness towards their intent, your reasoning shown and your lack of trust and upset feelings towards them sounds very fair and justified, and I would definitely respect your fiance's feelings there too. I feel it sounds like they are not good for your health, and I think you both are making well informed decisions there based on knowing who they are and the red flags that continue to show.

 

[1ForAll]

Absolutely! In my wife's mothers case, who works in the legal field and is likely Autistic and narcissistic (my wife's father worked as a legal assistant too yet is passive and neglectful like yours), she tried to act nice through emails to me to get contact with my wife, telling me things I wanted to hear. I fell for it in the past, but the mother's cold, critical, selfish and manipulative ways continued days later, causing even hospitalization for my wife which her mother of course never blamed herself for, throwing more insults at us and trying to spin things like she won some mother of the year award, or was some victim for us not having prior contacts with her, when she always had intent to split my wife and I up, to bring her back to Canada, and to control and abuse her through her usual ways. So, yeah, be very wary. We learned our lessons there.

Yes; I appreciate your suggestion. If I do not speak with them, it is for a reason--even if they cannot understand or contemplate it.

No, I think it's a test too. Narcissists will cause chaos, wait a few months til the dust settles, 'apologize' and butter someone up, and then pull the same garbage.

 

[VAW]

Hmm, I appreciate the perspective you have as a mother. You even admitting that you have flaws is way better than anything my mother could ever admit. I think they can deal with flaws and mistakes outside of a family perspective--like professionally, for example--but greater personality traits are nothing more than 'just who they are.' They do not know how to improve themselves or hear outside criticism and observations in order to improve behaviour.

I think where I'm getting hung up is the prospect of connecting with them and having them understand who I am. But that means them accepting that I have autism, which I inherited from both of them. And because narcissists see their offspring as extensions of themselves, then they'd never accept that I have something so drastically 'wrong' with me. I recognize all the same traits I have in them.

See, your right! Turning on the charm is exactly what they do! and it's so much of a good disguise. If I can recognize what is happening and what will happen, then that makes my path all the clearer.

I know in my son's case he never talked to his father again, but I don't really think his father ever thought my son had ASD and didn't accept that nor would he ever admit that he was wrong....or rarely! I know you will do the right thing for you, it can be very hard to decide. Toxic relationships are not good to be around, but even when I left my Ex I left the communication open, I sure wasn't going to live my life that way anymore but also I realized that he had a good heart but his mouth and yelling always trumped that.
We never know what this life will bring us and the one thing I do know is sometimes the person who you least expect to help you is the only one who does. I never burn bridges! That doesn't mean I want to be with that person all the time but I am always civil with everyone.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

I know in my son's case he never talked to his father again, but I don't really think his father ever thought my son had ASD and didn't accept that nor would he ever admit that he was wrong....or rarely! I know you will do the right thing for you, it can be very hard to decide. Toxic relationships are not good to be around, but even when I left my Ex I left the communication open, I sure wasn't going to live my life that way anymore but also I realized that he had a good heart but his mouth and yelling always trumped that.
We never know what this life will bring us and the one thing I do know is sometimes the person who you least expect to help you is the only one who does. I never burn bridges! That doesn't mean I want to be with that person all the time but I am always civil with everyone.

I see what you're saying...Hmm.

How can one be civil while still maintaining boundaries and standing up for one's self?

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Absolutely! In my wife's mothers case, who works in the legal field and is likely Autistic and narcissistic (my wife's father worked as a legal assistant too yet is passive and neglectful like yours), she tried to act nice through emails to me to get contact with my wife, telling me things I wanted to hear. I fell for it in the past, but the mother's cold, critical, selfish and manipulative ways continued days later, causing even hospitalization for my wife which her mother of course never blamed herself for, throwing more insults at us and trying to spin things like she won some mother of the year award, or was some victim for us not having prior contacts with her, when she always had intent to split my wife and I up, to bring her back to Canada, and to control and abuse her through her usual ways. So, yeah, be very wary. We learned our lessons there.

My gosh, I'm sorry to hear of what you and your wife have had to endure. That's just plain vile on your mother-in-law's end.

 

[Mary Terry]

Only you can decide what to do. Personally, I survived but am psychologically scarred by my narcissistic father. I eventually went no contact with him and it was the best decision I ever made. He continued to his dying day trying to hoover me back. I feel no guilt for cutting him off. He died alone, locked down in the psych ward of a local hospital, following yet another one of his narcissistic breaks with reality, where he apparently raged himself into a fatal heart attack. My siblings did remain in contact with him so he had 3 other children he could manipulate and who could attend to his needs. He just didn't have me anymore.

Narcs do not change. Narcissism is the least treatable of mental illnesses. They always think they are smarter than anyone else, that they are perfect, and there are no medications to help them. Narcs are masters of fake charm, manipulation and lies. They'll tell you anything in order to get narcissistic supply (attention and admiration) from you.

Be careful how you proceed.

 

[AO1501]

Narcs do not change. Narcissism is the least treatable of mental illnesses. They always think they are smarter than anyone else, that they are perfect, and there are no medications to help them. Narcs are masters of fake charm, manipulation and lies. They'll tell you anything in order to get narcissistic supply (attention and admiration) from you.

This deserves to be a sticky! These are people who are expert at analyzing the weaknesses in others to enable them to take advantage of them - often abuse or control them. It's easy to do this using emotions and family ties, because we tend to be trained from a young age to bond with our families, and the use of guilt and the offer of redemptive outcomes make for powerful arguments they use.

But even if well meant, and it seems very rarely true or honest, they don't change, and when you are drawn in by an inch, their strategies are intended to exert greater and greater pull with almost every word. Once swallowed up, it is exceptionally hard to escape again.

Narcissists damage just about everyone in their orbit. They use people, they make you feel guilt when you did nothing but respond with even a hint of negativity towards them, and they can and often do ruin the lives and well-being of those around them. Worst of all, most of them actually know they are doing it, but as long as it feeds them, they can't and will not stop.

I am my wife's 'shield' against the two in her life. They have no contact with her any longer, just me, and they both use blackmail, emotional sycophancy, imagery from a time when she was 'happily' in their clutches, money, the promise of rewards, implied threats, carefully crafted arguments, hints of wealth, promises of redemption (hers, of course, since they don't need anything of the kind) and proffers of 'normality'. In fact, in the past 5 years the one thing that stands out is just how constant, and consistently reasonable, they have both painted themselves as being. I have to remind myself that these wonderful sounding people are actually (1) responsible for mental, emotional and sexual abuse, and (2), multiple rapes and systematic emotional torture. You'd never suspect a fraction of that from how they present themselves as loving, caring and supportive people.

Escaping a narcissist is a life changing and affirming achievement. Never, ever, go back.

 

[Aspychata]

@1ForAll. Your post really resonated with me. That's the same description of my mother, she has that extremely cold side that she shows me but not others. So its a form of gaslighting. I now recognize that l have insecure attachment style with my male partners in my lifetime. I struggle to feel valued and loved, yet l have continually searched out the same cold type of personality in men, so at least l recognize this pattern. The bottom line for me is, is this a guilt letter? Is this letter making you feel guilty? That's the best tool in their tool box. You need to contact me, because after all, we ARE your family. Guilt trips bother me. If it was me, l would just let them know, l am still thinking about what l want to do. Like leave them in limbo, and if they start pushing you again, then it was all a ruse.

 

[1ForAll]

@1ForAll. Your post really resonated with me. That's the same description of my mother, she has that extremely cold side that she shows me but not others. So its a form of gaslighting. I now recognize that l have insecure attachment style with my male partners in my lifetime. I struggle to feel valued and loved, yet l have continually searched out the same cold type of personality in men, so at least l recognize this pattern. The bottom line for me is, is this a guilt letter? Is this letter making you feel guilty? That's the best tool in their tool box. You need to contact me, because after all, we ARE your family. Guilt trips bother me. If it was me, l would just let them know, l am still thinking about what l want to do. Like leave them in limbo, and if they start pushing you again, then it was all a ruse.

I am sorry @Aspychata for all the pain and mistrust you have because of your mother and other guys in your life who mistreated and abused you, and I can see more now how that can influence your decisions or feelings. I feel you deserve people in your life that can heal at least part of that damage, those who can see all the good and great in you, some of which is buried beneath too that will come out more you feel safe and truly cared for.. Many women can often be around very confident or emotionally cold guys, for whatever reason, and in many of those cases, things certainly later do not work out.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Only you can decide what to do. Personally, I survived but am psychologically scarred by my narcissistic father. I eventually went no contact with him and it was the best decision I ever made. He continued to his dying day trying to hoover me back. I feel no guilt for cutting him off. He died alone, locked down in the psych ward of a local hospital, following yet another one of his narcissistic breaks with reality, where he apparently raged himself into a fatal heart attack. My siblings did remain in contact with him so he had 3 other children he could manipulate and who could attend to his needs. He just didn't have me anymore.

Narcs do not change. Narcissism is the least treatable of mental illnesses. They always think they are smarter than anyone else, that they are perfect, and there are no medications to help them. Narcs are masters of fake charm, manipulation and lies. They'll tell you anything in order to get narcissistic supply (attention and admiration) from you.

Be careful how you proceed.

I'm sorry to hear of what you endured at the presence of your father. While I cannot fathom the thought of being aware of my parents facing their demise alone, in the hospital or someplace with no one close...I resonate with your final sentence very much. They just don't have me anymore.

Everything in this paragraph hits it all home for me. No one ever truly knows a narc, but I've become pretty good at recognizing it now.

Thanks for your wisdom. My best bet is to just say nothing. What anger can be expected from someone who does nothing?

 

[autism-and-autotune]

@1ForAll. Your post really resonated with me. That's the same description of my mother, she has that extremely cold side that she shows me but not others. So its a form of gaslighting. I now recognize that l have insecure attachment style with my male partners in my lifetime. I struggle to feel valued and loved, yet l have continually searched out the same cold type of personality in men, so at least l recognize this pattern. The bottom line for me is, is this a guilt letter? Is this letter making you feel guilty? That's the best tool in their tool box. You need to contact me, because after all, we ARE your family. Guilt trips bother me. If it was me, l would just let them know, l am still thinking about what l want to do. Like leave them in limbo, and if they start pushing you again, then it was all a ruse.

I'm sorry to hear of what you went through with your mother.

No, this letter doesn't make me feel guilty. I feel nothing. She thinks I need to need something from them, which I simply don't. But I also feel like if I let them think I'm thinking about a response, the facade will be kept up til it shatters. The tension of them waiting for my response will give them a false sense of security but also a sense of 'Ah, he's speaking to us again. What other info can we squeeze out?'

 

[autism-and-autotune]

This deserves to be a sticky! These are people who are expert at analyzing the weaknesses in others to enable them to take advantage of them - often abuse or control them. It's easy to do this using emotions and family ties, because we tend to be trained from a young age to bond with our families, and the use of guilt and the offer of redemptive outcomes make for powerful arguments they use.

But even if well meant, and it seems very rarely true or honest, they don't change, and when you are drawn in by an inch, their strategies are intended to exert greater and greater pull with almost every word. Once swallowed up, it is exceptionally hard to escape again.

Narcissists damage just about everyone in their orbit. They use people, they make you feel guilt when you did nothing but respond with even a hint of negativity towards them, and they can and often do ruin the lives and well-being of those around them. Worst of all, most of them actually know they are doing it, but as long as it feeds them, they can't and will not stop.

I am my wife's 'shield' against the two in her life. They have no contact with her any longer, just me, and they both use blackmail, emotional sycophancy, imagery from a time when she was 'happily' in their clutches, money, the promise of rewards, implied threats, carefully crafted arguments, hints of wealth, promises of redemption (hers, of course, since they don't need anything of the kind) and proffers of 'normality'. In fact, in the past 5 years the one thing that stands out is just how constant, and consistently reasonable, they have both painted themselves as being. I have to remind myself that these wonderful sounding people are actually (1) responsible for mental, emotional and sexual abuse, and (2), multiple rapes and systematic emotional torture. You'd never suspect a fraction of that from how they present themselves as loving, caring and supportive people.

Escaping a narcissist is a life changing and affirming achievement. Never, ever, go back.

Spot-on. I'm sorry to hear of what your wife went through.

No; I'll never go back.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

I'm trying not to analyze it or decode it or dwell on it too much; I'll need to think, but some perspective of others would be helpful. Thanks in advance.

View attachment 108910

I am wary because I simply don't know if they are sincere, or trying to lure me back in as narcissists are wont to do.

Hello everyone,

I wanted to sincerely sincerely thank you all for your input. It's been validating to hear what you all have to say, and I'm also sorry for a lot of experience you've all had with narcissists and abusive parents (or partners).

I showed this email to my fiance during a walk in the woods and we talked about it for a good, long time. "Oh boy, here we go," the said when I told them it's an email from my parents. My fiance has known them for the better part of a decade, and loathes them. I've learned to loathe them too.

We both determined that my mother is the sole author of the email; my father is merely the messenger. This message is nothing more than an attempt to gain my curiosity and sympathy, and let her know she has my attention. Well, she has my attention for sure; this message made me at first think that I had hope, and that I could give them a chance. To think: for the first time in my life, I could have a relationship with my parents where I reveal to them my autism, to be truthful and to be accepted.

...but of course, that's what she'd want me to think. Narcissists will use your information and emotions against you for their own gain. One big red flag was the fact that she 'justified showing up' to our home unwarranted. Any bad behaviour by them will always find a way to be justified. "If I did x, you deserved it!"

And the hugest red flag is them wanting me to go to their house so they can 'understand.' They want me there because it was where I was abused by them, and where I felt fear of them. Where I was able to be controlled and influenced. They want a third party--who, take note, is not suggested to be my fiancee because my fiancee sees through their lies and garbage. An outside third party would be easier swayed to believe their side of things.

Thinking things through--again, thanks to all of you and to my fiancee--I have decided that this email will go unresponded to. She doesn't deserve a response, and any words I say will be used against me, and seen as evidence that she still has an iota of control over me. which she doesn't.

The most important factor of this letter is one which I believe is unspoken. I contacted the SSA a while back about re-assigning an overpayment which was under my name, wrongfully assigned to me when I was a child to my mother, who was the original payee. Complications during my birth (long story) allowed money to be awarded for a certain number of years, which somehow got neglected to be paid back by her. Somehow it got assigned to me, and I'd only have known about it in forty years when I'd go to retire. SSA said that at the time of her sixty-fifth birthday (this week) they would reach out and make her aware of the debt (she's already getting SSI payments due to retiring in 2020). Long story short: this may be an attempt to make contact with me to question how I know of this debt.

....or not. All this could be totally innocent and I should forgive my parents of any ill treatment or wrongdoing or gaslighting or abuse! 'Family is so important!' some might think. Well family is not important if it hurts you, makes you feel lesser or that you cannot be you. Family is not important if they made your life hell and never tried to improve themselves.

Thank you all so much for helping me with this. I really want to say more than that, but...thank you all.