Aspergers and Expectations

[radasp]

What everyone (esp. neurotypicals) needs to learn is that we don't OWN other people, which is what expectations are about. I suppose that growing a child within your body may give women a feeling of ownership, but good parenting is actually about helping your child to mature and move away. Society promotes ownership over other people; bosses, parents, spouses often feel the need to define themselves by how much control they have over the people in their lives.

 

[Soup]

I read your post twice to make sure I understood your situation. Someone above mentioned that 'so long as you live with our parents, you must abide by their rules'. We are parents of 2 adults children, one of whom still lives at home whilst she completes her studies. I do not believe in that narrative. Many parents have great difficulty making the shift from being the parents of impetuous teenagers, who think they are grown up & being the parents of young adults who CAN make decisions & set reasonable boundaries for themselves. Certain firm rules are more about common sense & living in mutual respect & with mutual privacy. Others have to do with the integrity of the property & home. Once your kids are no longer kids, as a parent, you have to be flexible & be willing to renegotiate many 'rules' that may have been firm & necessary just a couple of years prior.

Yours seem to not really understand what Aspergers IS & the many complex & seemingly random ways it can affect us. Another mistake well-educated families make is to mistakenly believe that, IF their Aspie child has a high IQ, or is high-functioning or very smart etc., he can use his intellectual prowess to, somehow, overcome or even 'cure' his Aspie traits. IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT! We cannot reason our way out of being Aspies any more than a brilliant but clinically depressed person can reason their way out of it or a Bi-Polar scientist can reason his way out of it. Families dense in smart, successful people tend to see intellect almost as a cure-all. After all, it has rendered them successful & enabled them to achieve certain goals & attain privileges. The same often happens with affluent families: they can be astounded when one of their kids screws up because, after all, his every material need was provided for. Having intellect is great. Having money is great too BUT if you have money AND Schizophrenia, you are going to have to get your wealthy self to a psychiatrist & stick to a rigorous treatment+therapy regimen in order to prevent the symptoms from wreaking havoc.

This business of telling people with challenges that they are just making excuses, or using their Aspergers as an excuse, is the insidious flip side of the social discourse that is meant to sound optimistic, positive & inclusive: 'You can do anything you put your mind to'. If you can dream it, you can achieve it. You are in 'the land of opportunity' so if you work hard, you will succeed. All these seemingly positive & well intended phrases also get misapplied to people with disabilities or differences. Not 'seeing' a disability is as ridiculous as claiming to not 'see' colour. Disabilities can & do have serious impacts on how a person is perceived, treated & what opportunities he can access. We can all find examples of that one guy who is quadriplegic & works full time making a high income. We can find successful blind musicians & amputees who are doing well. They exist & they are counter-narratives.

When the disability or difference is invisible & is not even considered by many professionals to be a 'thing' that exists, it is hard for people to believe that a person who looks fine & is smart, has a real problem. Families, especially, are interested in normalizing their offspring as much as possible. As a teacher, I have experienced parents of children with obvious problems refuse to acknowledge that anything is wrong & blame the school, the peer group, some relative's bad influence: ANYTHING but admit their child has a problem & needs an assessment so the correct interventions & support can be provided early. One parent even got irate that her Down Syndrome child was being denied admission into a mainstream college programme. He had a high school leaving certificate; a 'special ed' one. Parents sometimes think that if a child was just treated like he's normal, & if the parents just push him, he will become normal. This is even truer for Aspies, since we're rumored to all be so intelligent.

Are your parents people with whom you can negotiate? Amongst all those PhDs is there someone who is a better listener, with a greater understanding of Aspergers who can help you discuss things with your parents? They don't seem to be malicious people: merely in some denial & misinformed.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

[QUOTE="Nadador, post: 160201, member: 11808" Nothing soothes an injured psyche more than progress, however slow or small.[/QUOTE]

I want that on a bumper sticker.

 

[James K Trefethen]

I was wondering if real progress is possible. Aspergers just seems so omnipresent. I've had times when I tried to change. These times also seem to be the most unhappy.

The everyday difficulties of Autism seem to cast a long shadow on the prospect of Maslow's Self Actualization. How the heck do I get to the next step in the process when I just became enraged over the stupidest thing?

So now I go for the calming phase. A little like, "Breathe in, breathe out." Instead, I am yelling to my own brain, "Shut up, Shut up!" The sad part is I know darn well that telling myself to think such things, while not convenient, is probably the best way to get it out of my head.

What was it that I was working on? Oh, Self Actualization! If I thought I had bad short-term memory before, what does 5 hours of sleep do?

Expectations from parents, from myself from others And then this kind of weirdness, too? How do we manage at all? I certainly don't give myself enough credit.

The rest of you need some credit, too. You're battling something that is chronic and cannot be cured. Sometimes doing the best we can truly is the best we can do.

Thanks.

 

[Nadador]

I was wondering if real progress is possible. Aspergers just seems so omnipresent. I've had times when I tried to change. These times also seem to be the most unhappy.

The everyday difficulties of Autism seem to cast a long shadow on the prospect of Maslow's Self Actualization. How the heck do I get to the next step in the process when I just became enraged over the stupidest thing?

I certainly don't give myself enough credit.

The rest of you need some credit, too. You're battling something that is chronic and cannot be cured. Sometimes doing the best we can truly is the best we can do.

Pleased to meet you, James. I've not had the pleasure before now. Your comment on Maslow caught my attention. Here's his lists of characteristics and behaviors leading to self-actualisation (1968):

Characteristics of self-actualizers:

1. They perceive reality efficiently and can tolerate uncertainty;

2. Accept themselves and others for what they are;

3. Spontaneous in thought and action;

4. Problem-centered (not self-centered);

5. Unusual sense of humor;

6. Able to look at life objectively;

7. Highly creative;

8. Resistant to enculturation, but not purposely unconventional;

9. Concerned for the welfare of humanity;

10. Capable of deep appreciation of basic life-experience;

11. Establish deep satisfying interpersonal relationships with a few people;

12. Peak experiences;

13. Need for privacy;

14. Democratic attitudes;

15. Strong moral/ethical standards.


Behavior leading to self-actualization:

(a) Experiencing life like a child, with full absorption and concentration;

(b) Trying new things instead of sticking to safe paths;

(c) Listening to your own feelings in evaluating experiences instead of the voice of tradition, authority or the majority;

(d) Avoiding pretense ('game playing') and being honest;

(e) Being prepared to be unpopular if your views do not coincide with those of the majority;

(f) Taking responsibility and working hard;

(g) Trying to identify your defenses and having the courage to give them up.

---------------------

Considering that only 2% of humans will ever actually reach the point of self-actualistion [Maslow's figure, not mine], I'd say we Aspies may have a better shot than most, by this list, save the items I highlighted in crimson.

I've seen a lot of other Aspies here state that times when they've tried hardest to change have been some of their most unhappy. I have to wonder what compelled their efforts, what methods they used, and how patient they were with themselves. Not that I am looking to find fault, but it's entirely likely that we may often go about change the wrong way, if for no other reason than a distinct lack of adequate resources to assist us. No Aspie of note has written a guidebook to aid our further development. We find ourselves hacking a path rather blindly, fingers crossed and feeling much pressure. If I had one wish for AC, it would be for us to put our heads together, very seriously, to devise our own therapeutic methodologies.

Having done quite well on my own journey to self-actualisation, my first recommendation is to stop, as you put it, "battling" ourselves. We shouldn't need to. For every deficit common to Asperger's, there is an uncommon strength to counterbalance it. Instead of fighting what's wrong, perhaps we should focus on harnessing our many gifts in order to grow.

One of the problems with the current diagnostic criteria, and the prevailing attitude among most clinicians, is that they are roundly focused on the negative...of Asperger's as a disorder. Very sadly, I see that mindset reflected in the self-image of some [not all] younger members here who were diagnosed early on. Many older members, who just had to get on with things without anyone knowing what was the matter with them, have fared quite well, all things considered, and diagnosis/realisation of their Asperger's merely serves as an answer to a nagging question and a foundation for more informed developmental efforts.

In my view, we should all give ourselves more credit. We might just find it makes our lives a whole lot easier.

 

[Vinca]

If I had one wish for AC, it would be for us to put our heads together, very seriously, to devise our own therapeutic methodologies.

I'll second that

 

[James K Trefethen]

I think the reason I like Maslow's theory is that it is Self Actualization, not some expectation of society. It leaves a lot of variation in the picture- and you don't have to hammer a square pen into a round whole.

The same vagueness scares a lot of aspies. No black and white, no absolutes. I know it sure scares me.

The road to Self Actualization does, however, seem to be the path of least resistance. It is the art of listening to yourself.

Within the confines of society, of course. Everyone needs to at least get along. And we still have human needs.