Aspergers and Expectations

[Kaylee]

It has been something that has been weighing on my head for awhile. and while it causes many issues with my family life i was wondering what other people thought on the subject.

Expectations can be a pain in the butt from the family, friends, bosses, and such. for me the hardest of these is family. for my family i feel like they are the least realistic but hurt my self confidence the most

Expectations can be a pain the the butt with aspergers i have found, as they are with any invisible condtion. now i am sure that non self diagnosed families can ignore one major issue in expectations but i can still be very difficult. as Aspergers is a life condition and how it presents may not be the same for everyone.

I come from a some what high achiving family. Doctorates in the family and with family friends are not unherd of. while my brother may have failed out of college, he now has a great career both in and outside of the military. one of the big issues i have is that i am intellectually gifted, and with my invisible conditions (aspergers, severe stress disorder and depression) it makes achivements a pain in the ass. it is made ever harder with having been misdiagnosed with ADD instead of aspergers as a child and not having an official diagnosis on it even if it is a perfect fit. now i have had many issues in my life. i wasnt good at school because of the social aspects and my stress always made my have head aches and nasuea. i could never hold down a proper job for the same reasons, and flunked out of college 2 times for the same reasons. now i understand that others may have similar or different expirences. Aspies can range from a wide degree of issues and limitations so its not fair to say all of my issues are aspie related. But it all comes down to one word that i am sure every aspie has herd in their life and it has caused them some sort of issue.

Excuses
for me this was a word i was used to hearing on a daily basis. stop making excuses. and such.it even got to the point of my mother saying to me that it was better off for me to be homeless than for her to "enable me" now i will be the first to admit my limitations have left me in a place i do not enjoy and i would love to not be held back in life because of limitations i may have. i feel there is a thin line that gets drawn with excuses and i think it is more thrown around with aspies than NT.

now it is a little easier to deal with others saying you are just using excuses. to point. it hurts more when its family or friends. it feels like a guilt trip and it starts to cause you self confidence issues. when you work yourself up to try to push past your limitations (that may be bellow a "normal person") and feel like a failure for not achieving your goal.

i feel like i touched up on a ton of things and this was both me just trying to be informitive and just venting a little. would love to hear others opinions on it

 

[Etzelaire]

My families' expectations have never been any high, but when I was failing everything at high-school they used to complain but never provide useful resources to the problem. Anyhow, I finally woke up and freed my mind opening myself to the pursuit of knowledge and now they demand for me to excel at everything whilst I am currently taking 3 courses at a time. From a personal point of view, I have a really high standards and refuse to accept a drawback. To conclude, the prior aim in my life is being financially independent.

 

[Nadador]

I was laid quite low in my twenties for not living up to other people's expectations, suffering a good deal of depression. What I've learned since then is that the only expectations that matter are my own. Since taking that view, my life has flourished, and I've exceeded the accomplishments of most everyone who once criticised me. I never set the bar lower than they did. I set it in another place, and kept raising it in my own time and in my own way. The nebulous standard of "normal" no longer has relevance to me, and letting go of it has, over time, allowed me to function exceptionally well in most circumstances.

The people who are making excuses are those who can't accept you as you are. They don't understand your life, so they criticise and blame. If your family had you diagnosed as a child, whether it was with ADD or AS, they should have done their reading if they're all so smart, and should know better about the difficulties you face. I'm sorry they don't. There is a difference between enabling and supporting. Your mother might do well to learn the distinction. If she can't, don't let her judgements hold you back. You may find that if she sees you setting your own goals based on your strengths and working hard to achieve them, she may get off her high horse and be more open to listening to you. Either way, you'll be moving forward. Nothing soothes an injured psyche more than progress, however slow or small.

 

[Kari Suttle]

My family have a similar attitude. They say that everything's just all made up in my head (even though they came up with the theory i might have AS) and that I blame others (them specifically) instead of putting blame where it should be (on myself and myself alone). Almost kicked me out once too. It hurts case I don't know what to believe - my own warped understanding of the situation, or theirs. They aren't bad parents, and that's what trips me up. Yet despite acknowledging that i show all the signs of AS, they refuse to see me any differently or adjust their expectations any differently. And cause they're genuinely good parents who really do only want me to have a good life, a good future, I get so easily tripped up and confused and don't know what to think about the whole thing.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Out of all those doctorates, isn't at least one of them in psychology??

Ick, "excuse". I get what you mean. I hear it when it comes to giving performances. I've been told I'm using anxiety attacks as an excuse to get out of speeches and crap. I was not aware that stabbing pains in your chest and stomach, your heart stopping or racing or skipping beats (my heart gets pretty wild), nausea, the strength leaving your knees so you nearly collapse, your head swimming, your vision tunneling and blacking out, and your lungs deciding to stop breathing were not only acceptable side effects of performing against your will, they're also things you're expected to enjoy and look forward to.

I'm just too aggressive to be kept down long. I do get bummed for a bit when I have somebody railing on me about how pathetic they think I am. Then my anger boots up, and I give tit for tat. Maybe I've been hurt too much that makes me want to hurt others in the same manner they're hurting me now. They certainly don't appreciate reciprocity, but some of them rethink their tactics and take a gentler approach in the future.
Of course, I really think my dad raising me as strict and harsh as he did to make me strict and harsh comes into play. He didn't want us pushed around... He succeeded. Much to the irritation of people who deal with me.

 

[Cali Cat]

I think my parents only expected that I'd pass my grades in school and get married to someone who would take care of me. I managed the first part pretty well. The being taken care of part, not so much. They were older parents who grew up in traditional roles. They didn't realize the times they were a-changin'. Due to low expectations, my parents didn't have much of a problem with my performance. My teachers weren't terribly happy with me though. What I heard all the time was: "Why don't you apply yourself more?"

 

[Nadador]

...(edit) They say that everything's just all made up in my head (even though they came up with the theory i might have AS)

...(edit) And cause they're genuinely good parents who really do only want me to have a good life, a good future, I get so easily tripped up and confused and don't know what to think about the whole thing.

Here's a thought...perhaps your parents' behaviour is a misplaced manifestation, of their own feelings of responsibility and helplessness about your having AS. Maybe that's why they appear to be both good parents who care about you, and disappointed parents who act out on you in unfair ways that aren't in keeping with their otherwise caring dispositions. My parents loved me dearly and were sympathetic to my troubles, but sometimes my symptoms and deficits drove my father to terrible fits of frustration, when I was a child. Later in life, he told me that he felt he'd been unfair to me by saying and doing harsh things. He said it was only in hindsight that he understood where it was coming from: He had felt he was failing me, and was angry with himself that he couldn't fix me.

I don't know how or if you would have a conversation with your parents about that. Our problems with communication can make that difficult. Perhaps you might consider writing something to them about your confusion over their behaviour. It might go nowhere, but it could lead to an epiphany, and a change.

 

[Kari Suttle]

Here's a thought...perhaps your parents' behaviour is a misplaced manifestation, of their own feelings of responsibility and helplessness about your having AS....I don't know how or if you would have a conversation with your parents about that. Our problems with communication can make that difficult. Perhaps you might consider writing something to them about your confusion over their behaviour. It might go nowhere, but it could lead to an epiphany, and a change.

I doubt it. They've been this way my whole life. Only recently, like a year ago, did they come across the idea that i could have AS. They know everything and yet when **** hits the fan they still say those things. Always have. They're just too set in their ways, in their mindset, to even try to see mine. To them mine doesn't exist and its wrong. I've given up on them changing. At this point them merely understanding would be a miracle in and of itself that i don't expect to happen either. To even try to explain myself would open myself up to just getting hurt again and i can't have that.

 

[Nadador]

I doubt it. They've been this way my whole life. Only recently, like a year ago, did they come across the idea that i could have AS. They know everything and yet when **** hits the fan they still say those things. Always have. They're just too set in their ways, in their mindset, to even try to see mine. To them mine doesn't exist and its wrong. I've given up on them changing. At this point them merely understanding would be a miracle in and of itself that i don't expect to happen either. To even try to explain myself would open myself up to just getting hurt again and i can't have that.

So much for optimism. I'm sorry to hear that. Adults aren't perfect, sadly. Please be assured that if they don't understand you, it's not your fault. You certainly seem like a smart, sweet, delightful young lady to me. Stay focused on your strengths, my Dear.

 

[Kari Suttle]

So much for optimism. I'm sorry to hear that. Adults aren't perfect, sadly. Please be assured that if they don't understand you, it's not your fault. You certainly seem like a smart, sweet, delightful young lady to me. Stay focused on your strengths, my Dear.

Thanks Nadador. Your post made me smile, i really appreciate it. By the way, is it Nadador or is it John? Your name's John right? Or am i confusing your name with your partner's name? I'm bad with names. I don't even know half my coworkers names and some of them I've been working with for months.

 

[Nadador]

Thanks Nadador. Your post made me smile, i really appreciate it. By the way, is it Nadador or is it John? Your name's John right? Or am i confusing your name with your partner's name? I'm bad with names. I don't even know half my coworkers names and some of them I've been working with for months.

I'm John, yes. He's Adam. He'd be here, too, if I weren't hogging his laptop. I'm horrible with names, myself. I've tried to use those mnemonic devices [what a word!] to remember names, but they only confuse me more. I guess we'll just have to smile and hope nobody catches us not knowing.

Very glad to have made you smile.

 

[radasp]

Expectations, in my experience, are part of a bigger Asperger problem, which is about planning: People "make plans" not only for themselves, but for their children, and it rarely occurs to them that the plans they make (expectations) may not have any relevance to that child's personality, desires or talents. I think it's a rare parent that really understands what's good for their child and supports them in that path rather than imposing their wishes. With Asperger's it's even more difficult because I think we have an entirely different way of experiencing time: the present matters, and the future is rather vague, unreal or even frightening. I was very successful in school and had a career, but I walked away when I realized that "success" in the normal sense was not right for me. It was a huge step; I think that the hardest step is to stop pretending that you aren't different! Embrace it. Discover yourself. Don't keep defining yourself by their expectations. Let it go. That's how you become an adult.

 

[Kathy]

It has been something that has been weighing on my head for awhile. and while it causes many issues with my family life i was wondering what other people thought on the subject.

Expectations can be a pain in the butt from the family, friends, bosses, and such. for me the hardest of these is family. for my family i feel like they are the least realistic but hurt my self confidence the most

Expectations can be a pain the the butt with aspergers i have found, as they are with any invisible condtion. now i am sure that non self diagnosed families can ignore one major issue in expectations but i can still be very difficult. as Aspergers is a life condition and how it presents may not be the same for everyone.

I come from a some what high achiving family. Doctorates in the family and with family friends are not unherd of. while my brother may have failed out of college, he now has a great career both in and outside of the military. one of the big issues i have is that i am intellectually gifted, and with my invisible conditions (aspergers, severe stress disorder and depression) it makes achivements a pain in the ass. it is made ever harder with having been misdiagnosed with ADD instead of aspergers as a child and not having an official diagnosis on it even if it is a perfect fit. now i have had many issues in my life. i wasnt good at school because of the social aspects and my stress always made my have head aches and nasuea. i could never hold down a proper job for the same reasons, and flunked out of college 2 times for the same reasons. now i understand that others may have similar or different expirences. Aspies can range from a wide degree of issues and limitations so its not fair to say all of my issues are aspie related. But it all comes down to one word that i am sure every aspie has herd in their life and it has caused them some sort of issue.

Excuses
for me this was a word i was used to hearing on a daily basis. stop making excuses. and such.it even got to the point of my mother saying to me that it was better off for me to be homeless than for her to "enable me" now i will be the first to admit my limitations have left me in a place i do not enjoy and i would love to not be held back in life because of limitations i may have. i feel there is a thin line that gets drawn with excuses and i think it is more thrown around with aspies than NT.

now it is a little easier to deal with others saying you are just using excuses. to point. it hurts more when its family or friends. it feels like a guilt trip and it starts to cause you self confidence issues. when you work yourself up to try to push past your limitations (that may be bellow a "normal person") and feel like a failure for not achieving your goal.

i feel like i touched up on a ton of things and this was both me just trying to be informitive and just venting a little. would love to hear others opinions on it

Parents want to see their children go to college and get a degree so they will find a job and be self sufficient. Parents will not always be around and they worry about what will happen to their child or children once that happens. They do not know how to express this properly.

 

[Cali Cat]

I was very successful in school and had a career, but I walked away when I realized that "success" in the normal sense was not right for me. It was a huge step; I think that the hardest step is to stop pretending that you aren't different! Embrace it. Discover yourself. Don't keep defining yourself by their expectations ...

That brings up a very good point. Not only must we avoid being defined by the expectation of others, but we must also be careful not to expect unreasonable things from ourselves.

I feel things might have gone much differently for me if I'd known about AS before I planned my life. Maybe my expectations would have been more correctly aligned with my particular Aspie traits.

 

[forstem99]

I think unreasonable self-expectations can be very damaging. My 'complete failure' socially and romantically is something that has greatly damaged my self-worth, which of course leads others to undervalue you. My own parents' attitudes to me seemed to improve when I began to take a less self-lacerating self-view: 'I'm capable of kindness and making a positive contribution to other's lives in my own way' etc. However Kaylee seems to have had a much tougher time than me. I'm sorry, Kaylee.
One thing which helped with my parents was confronting them head-on with the ASD. I gave them some brief summarising reading and said 'that's me' 'that's why I have a tough time with so many things!'. I asked them if it made sense to them, could they recall issues from my childhood etc. And they could.They seemed to get off the 'we're enabling you to be weak' line at last.

 

[radasp]

A big turning point for me was college: it was expected that I would go. My parents hauled me to several colleges and art schools, but I kept changing my mind and making excuses why I couldn't go (such as, it's in a city; I won't live in a city) We kept looking - they really were patient, and at the last minute I just picked one. My parents delivered me to the campus, but I knew I couldn't handle it and refused to stay. Yikes! What a beating I took emotionally - according to them I had ruined their lives. But I was right! I accidently got a job that turned into a suitable career for me. My parents barely spoke to me for years. I did go to college 10 years later - but on my own terms.

 

[James K Trefethen]

Parents can be a force for good but I agee that expectations can cause great problems. I'd hope that parents now would do some reading and attempt to set their expectations accordingly.

I think that less of us would be disabled if we could only fill our own niches. We are really peculiar people who aren't going to do well everywhere.

Pretending to be someone I am not has caused me a lot of problems. I would have been a lot better off by not listening to a parent who expected too much.

 

[Red Star]

People tend to be victims of their environment. Parents were brought up a certain way, have certain 'rules and beliefs' to live by and teach those to their children who, having adapted slightly to outside influences, then teach similar things to their own children. This does include expectations. Our mum expected great things from her children, the two of us, and has been disappointed on and off in the outcomes. We had triumphs in between but as they've devolved, they have been forgotten and we became 'less'. Our dad had mild Aspergers and only wished us success, we never saw disappointment in him, just support for moving on, he remembered but didn't dwell on things whereas mum did and affected our lives with doubt that we could ever succeed. Her own negatively influenced upbringing has induced this way in her and we try to turn each negative into a positive, we sometimes have to look extremely hard for even the smallest speck of it, that struggle is encompassed and made all the more daunting by Aspergers in both of us. Expectations cannot always be lived up to and it is not failure if they are not achieved, it is a learning experience to be learned from by all, including those doing the expecting. It's important to identify and use every little positive thing you find!

 

[paloftoon]

As long as you're living with your parents, you are subject to their rules and have to obey them to the best of your ability. If you want to be able to think more on your own, you'd have to choose to live out on your own. That's a tough bind to be in. I feel your pain, and I'm fortunate to be able to have my own place. hmm, maybe you could ask your parent(s) to come with your to some autism events so that they might be able to relate to you more or find resources and other people that can help you and them! Best wishes Kaylee and others.

 

[Graelwyn]

Very high expectations were placed on me as a child and teenager, especially once it became known I had a high IQ. My mother, particularly, in some ways, seem to live through my achievements and, I feel guilty for saying this, but she liked telling people, relatives about them. This was fine until I hit about 9/10, but then it all changed. I became more independent of mind, wanting to dress for myself, comfort and she tried to control that and would make comments about me to my father in front of me, or glare at me if I did not dress as she wanted. She would call me useless or gormless sometimes, and I would cry before coming home after I got my exam results if I had not done as well as expected.

AS was not known about in the Uk during my childhood in boys, let alone girls. There was also this constant pressure to be normal and more like my brother. The comparisons. If I said or did something wrong, she would walk on ahead with him and pointedly talk to him while ignoring me. All of this has had an appalling impact on my self esteem, especially coupled with sexual abuse I suffered at the same sort of time as hitting secondary school, or just prior.

I find myself repeating all the things I was called, to myself, expecting myself to be perfect, tormenting myself if I do anything wrong or make a mistake.
I never lacked materially, I had a good home, a private education and holidays, and other times my mother was very loving, but there was this constant back and forth swing between loving me, and tearing me down.