When saying "I'm sorry" doesn't feel like enough

[Grumpy Cat]

I'm NT, too, and have become involved with Harrison knowing that a meltdown like Nadador's is a very real possibility. It may even be more likely, because unlike Nadador's one-off situation, Harrison has admitted right here that this has happened to him before in the context of a relationship.

I personally don't think it's fair to lump Aspies and NTs together, in terms of how I would respond as a partner. If an NT partner went apesh*t on me, he'd be out the door in a heartbeat. But in the case of an Aspie, a breakdown like this can't be controlled, and really, not even necessarily anticipated by the Aspie him/herself. What they do in that state isn't "them", and what they say isn't an uninhibited moment of truth-telling. They are on autopilot, and in their minds, defending their lives. That's what the meltdown is about: It's an insidious build-up of stress that suddenly reaches critical mass and becomes a feeling of impending doom, setting off an intense flight-or-fight response. At that point, fairly or not, it's actually the NT (or other Aspie) partner's responsibility to help minimize the potential damage. That's part of being the partner of an Aspie, being educated and prepared. If Harrison were to go into meltdown, I would be responsible to get out of his way and let him rant or leave without aggravating him: not taking it personally, not trying to intervene, not asking questions, and not making him feel trapped. I'll say this one again: not taking it personally. Even if the meltdown is ultimately aimed at me, it's not necessarily about me at all. If I can't believe that, I'd better not fall in love with an Aspie man.

You can't be sure it will never happen again. An Aspie partner can't promise that, nor should it be asked of them to do so. The next step after meltdown is process of understanding, reconnection and healing, not an interrogation or list of demands. Both parties are victims of the incident, not just the partner who caught the fallout. Just read Nadador's posts here if you need evidence of that.



I'm not trying to rip you to shreds here, but anger management classes will do nothing whatsoever to prevent or modulate a meltdown. It's not regular rage that's at issue. Couple's therapy is helpful for the understanding, reconnection, and healing, but I don't see why it would need to be ongoing, unless one or both partners can't get past what happened.

I can only speak for myself, but if I accepted a proposal from an Aspie man, I wouldn't call off an engagement or wedding over a meltdown unless my partner did me bodily harm. Even then, I'd have to think long and hard before acting. I'm not blind or stupid. If I know my partner has Asperger's, I should have the sense to do my reading and know what I'm getting into; including the possibility of a serious meltdown, however remote, as it was in Nadador's case. I bear as much responsibility for the relationship as my Aspie partner, for better and for worse.

In case anyone is thinking it: I don't blame Adam for anything he may have done or not done in the moment while Nadador was freaking out. The first experience is going to be a shock, no matter how informed you may be (and I know Adam is well-informed). There is no dress rehearsal for this stuff. All you can do is read all you can, then you just gotta learn as you go.

I'm taking in what you're saying and trying to understand because that's why I remain here - I care for the people I've met on this site (you too Mr. Taurus) and I especially care for my other Aspie friend. I have never really witnessed a meltdown and what I said was honestly how I felt - i won't be hit in any relationship. Once Nadador said he shoved Adam with some force - that's just not right. I've read of other Aspies who posted about their meltdowns and I can understand throwing things and saying things when one is mad, but hitting - no. And that's why there would have to be some counseling involved for myself to help me understand why it is happening - one who knows AS. I don't really see any harm in seeing a specialized counselor once every 6 months (people go to psychiatrists more than that) and an Aspie/NT relationship will have more situations especially in communication that could be helped by doing this. Most of the relationships I've read about here end up in counseling or divorce because things do arise that are not understood from both parties. And like I said I wouldn't stop the relationship, but marriage would definitely be on hold. Some of the posts I read acted like Adam should just get over it in a few days and I don't think that should be expected at all. An apology doesn't always fix things right away. I'm sure like you had mentioned, it would be a traumatic event (speaking for myself) and would take some time to accept. I completely understand being angry about something (I'm going through that myself right now) and reaching a point where you just can't take anymore and some things have flown out of my mouth that I wish hadn't and can't be taken back only to be remedied with an apology. However, I draw the line at hitting. If something needs to be hit then get an actual punching bag for that or have something easily accessible. Nadador and Adam need to come together to figure out what are Nadadors triggers so they can try to be eliminated or decreased. I believe Nadador said some things that he thought might have caused it like not sending Adam away when he needed time alone. And having too many stressors like the holidays and touring. Idk, maybe during those times he should be having alone time.

I really don't know much about meltdowns. Are there signs leading up to one being triggered?

 

[Nadador]

Howdy. It's me. Nadador, you know I really like you and that's why I have to tell you how I really think and feel about this coming from an NT's point of view ...(edit)

I want to add something here to everyone - any sort of physical hitting or shoving is not ok in any relationship. And people are going to say things, but whatever comes out of your mouth can't be taken back and you have to live with the consequences. Verbal abuse can stay for a lifetime - I know that from experience.

I know you like me, Angie, and I like you as well. I appreciate your honesty and your point of view. Your initial response stung me a bit, but then it occurred to me that few people have the balls to speak up to a "friend" the way you did, especially a NT. I can't help but admire that. I'm also keenly aware of comments very much like your own that I've made to other members here, when they have described their partners' meltdowns. For that history, I can't very well be offended by anything you said. This isn't something one can fully understand till they've experienced it. Slithytoves seems to have it nailed down, but she has also had the advantage of a timely case study in my own incident. Smartly, she jumped at the opportunity to learn, apparently integrating it into her previous understanding of psychology.

I think we all know hitting is not "okay", and that we should be mindful that words, once spoken, are out there forever. Of course I have to live with the consequences. It's been the single theme of my life since Saturday night. Since this thread has turned to be quite educational, I should reiterate what Slithytoves said, that I had no control of what came out of my mouth in meltdown, and that I didn't mean any of it. The things I said that pertained to actual annoyances I've had with Adam were remnants of moments my conscious brain had long forgotten as unimportant. Everything else I may have said was a barrage of defencive quills and venom. The shove was to get him out of my space, which honestly may have saved him from much worse. I am a bit afraid to say this, but in the moment, I wanted to do much worse.

You may not understand this...I didn't either, until yesterday...but in my head, I was defending myself from a mortal threat, and was throwing everything I had to fend it off. Adam wasn't the threat, but because I had gone totally irrational, he became its embodiment. Generally speaking, such threats are external. This one wasn't, so my brain assigned the source as him. None of this explaining relieves me of responsibility, however. That, I have found, is the painful irony of a meltdown. It's as though a terrorist burst into my home, tied me up, and attacked my beloved...yet I am to blame for it.

...(edit) Some of the posts I read acted like Adam should just get over it in a few days and I don't think that should be expected at all. An apology doesn't always fix things right away. I'm sure like you had mentioned, it would be a traumatic event (speaking for myself) and would take some time to accept.

You may be misunderstanding what's being said by our friends, here. I don't think any Aspie would expect their partner to "just get over" what happens in a meltdown focused directly on them. The Aspie him- or herself won't just "get over it", either. Trust me on that. I'm sure everyone here expects Adam to be in shock and needing time. I certainly do.

Nadador and Adam need to come together to figure out what are Nadadors triggers so they can try to be eliminated or decreased. I believe Nadador said some things that he thought might have caused it like not sending Adam away when he needed time alone. And having too many stressors like the holidays and touring. Idk, maybe during those times he should be having alone time.

I really don't know much about meltdowns. Are there signs leading up to one being triggered?

As for warning signs, they clearly may not be obvious enough to catch in time. I knew I was under stress, but had no idea it would come to that. Remember, we Aspies aren't always very well in touch with what's going on inside us. It's a very unfortunate paradox that we should be so potentially volatile, yet not well-equipped to know when an explosion is about to happen.

I need to figure out what my triggers are, and communicate them to Adam. I'm not sure they can be decreased, as they are what they are, and I know for certain they can't be eliminated. What I can do is keep a better eye on them, and know when I need to withdraw for a while to restore my balance. Adam, in turn, can take what he learns about my triggers and help me know when I may be heading into the red zone. That's about the best any couple can do, I reckon.

 

[Nadador]

I don't have the experience or keen insight that others do, but if Adam has asked for a little space, you should grant him that. Next time you talk, offer an apology...and think over that apology carefully. (Forgive me if this has already been mentioned) apologies should NEVER be about the one making the apology. Just express that you realize that YOU made HIM feel the way that he did, and don't bring your own explanations/excuses into it unless he specifically asks. But you and everyone here probably already know that. *wyv now slinks back into his little cubby-hole*

Wise words, wyverary, and well appreciated. I'm not very good with apologies, so this tutorial is very helpful. Thank you.

...(edit) You are not "a brute." He (the man in my story), however, was. Here's how I know.

...(edit) Please accept my apologies for the long reply...I could not empathize with your pain without going into my own. It was worth it for me. Please disregard what wasn't useful. The only way I know how to love people is to give them stories.

It was all useful, A4H. Thank you. And thanks for assuring me I'm not a brute. If there's one thing I've learned from this, it's that it isn't about me and what I want. I want forgiveness, and I want Adam to go back to seeing me the way he did, but it's not my call. I can't dictate the terms of his acceptance [of lack thereof]. I do feel as though I was a victim in this, as well as he was, but it's only reasonable that I cannot play the victim card. It would be manipulative, and certainly untenable to Adam at this stage. I'm very sad to hear you had to endure a moment like the one you so eloquently described [to chilling effect]. It was useful to understand what that experience felt like from the unwitting target's POV. I shall bear that in mind when I next talk to Adam.

I'm not bothered by the length of your post. I look at it as generous. Sharing of stories is the most wonderfully human way to educate. Thanks again.

...(edit) How about getting a CBC (complete blood chemistry), full thyroid panel, and general hormone profile from your doctor? We tend to think men only have testosterone spikes, but lots of hormones can be having funky blood levels, such as thyroid, etc. Maybe this is worth a check?

Another factor to make a sweet, even-tempered aspie prone to meltdowns and shutdowns seems to be emotional stuff. It may be long-buried trauma re-emerging or it can be something new. Anything new with your job, relationship, living situation? Or, is something soon about to change? ...(edit)

What did Adam see in your eyes? ...(edit)

Thank you, Warmheart. Your posts are always uplifting...it's a very special talent you bring to the table at AC. I deeply appreciate your good wishes, and your compliments.

You know what, I think I will get some blood work done. Thanks for that. It may have to wait till after my trip, at this point, but perhaps there is something going on of which I need to be aware. I do have some medical checking done before I travel, for the kind of places I go to, but it's been a while since I had a full going over.

A better question would be what isn't going on, just now. Every area of my life has been in transition, of late, and all in the context of a busy holiday season. I really should have seen this coming. I've been going in and out of shutdown for weeks, and though I haven't had a meltdown in adulthood, I might have predicted something would have to come next if I couldn't get myself balanced.

What Adam saw in my eyes was nothing. Utter vacancy. I'm sure it was terrifying.

Your job is terribly stressful, is it not? Because of your station (boss? overseer??) ...(edit)

Adam may be simply processing the relationship status, or he could be re-analyzing you...(edit)...Sometimes you take for granted how normal a person seems until their problems reassert themselves, ...(edit)

...(edit) Being calm and analytical freaks out a few people after big events.

Funnily enough, my job itself is perhaps the least stressful thing I've got going on, at the moment, other than that I'm at a bit of a crossroads, deciding whether to do one more season or move on to another project. Most of the time, my job is my worst stressor. The business, end, anyway. Going out and doing what I love for weeks at a time is quite therapeutic.

I think that's exactly what Adam is doing. His image of me has always been of a cool-headed pacifist, gentle as a lamb. I know he relies on that. He's usually the one who goes a bit off the rails. He surely must be struggling to put this incident into perspective.

I have no choice but to appear calm and analytical when dealing with a problem, unfortunately. Since Adam's already seen the broken man crawling on his doorstep, I'm hoping he will actually find comfort in having me back to my usual self when it comes time to work things out. I can't do it when I am emotional.

 

[Nadador]

...(edit) I think (please, don’t hate me for saying this, try to understand), the fact you made it “a point of pride” for yourself, that’s where you slipped. It’s like somehow you neglected your real self, you concentrated on an image of yourself you thought you were. ...(edit)

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that in order to live a life without regrets we have to find a way to live peacefully with our demon. And the first step would be acknowledging his existence. It’s especially important for aspies, I think...(edit)

You put so much thought and time into your posts that I felt bad snipping them down. Alas, I have to answer a number of people. Forgiven?

I don't hate you for suggesting where I may have gone wrong. On the contrary...I agree with you. It's occurred to me that I have been quite smug about my self-knowledge and self-management. My career, and honestly, my life requires a great deal of self-confidence, and I think I may have become neglectful of my vulnerabilities. My mistake, to be sure. I'm not bloody Superman.

Now that my "demon" has reared his ugly head, I'm going to have to come to terms with him. Looking into doing that by reaching out to others with experience. Thanks sincerely for your compliments, your stories, and your support. I got a lot from all you said, whether I commented explicitly or not.

I'm just sending positive thoughts today. I've had you and Adam both on my mind, and in my heart. I'll continue sending positive, healing energy your way. You both mean a lot.

Thank you, my Dear.

If he doesn't understand all the baggage that comes with loving an aspie, it might be worth asking him to subscribe to this forum, so he can take his own time to read and understand all the weird and wonderful ways it can affect us. If he happens to read this thread, he'll know how much he means to you, and that you don't want to lose him, but also give him insight...(edit)

Thanks for your suggestions and examples, Phoe. Much appreciated. Adam was actually the first one of the pair of us to join AC, back in October. He has stopped posting due to a bit of a row with some prickly members, feeling he may not have been doing me any good here as an NT partner with opinions on controversial issues. He did pick up a lot of information and resources before he went, and has maintained a couple of relationships with Aspie AC members who give him sound advice.

My adult history when under stress has been limited to shutdowns and the occasional "neurologic storm", a rare manifestation that is much like a seizure, so we both thought that was the extent of the negative potential of my AS. I am lucky that he does do his reading, so in general, he is well prepared to love me. I can't imagine trying a relationship where my partner wan't willing to become an active student of Asperger's. It really is essential.

...(edit) That's what the meltdown is about: It's an insidious build-up of stress that suddenly reaches critical mass and becomes a feeling of impending doom, setting off an intense flight-or-fight response. At that point, fairly or not, it's actually the NT (or other Aspie) partner's responsibility to help minimize the potential damage. That's part of being the partner of an Aspie, being educated and prepared...(edit)

In case anyone is thinking it: I don't blame Adam for anything he may have done or not done in the moment while Nadador was freaking out...(edit)

You have learned your lessons well, Grasshopper. This was a brilliant summary. Harrison is in good hands.

For the record, I know you don't blame Adam. And thank you, publically, for being such a help to us these past few days. I reckon triangulation isn't always such a horrible thing.

That was a very good point Slithy made - he needs to understand it wasn't his fault, and it's not entirely your fault either...(edit)

The whole "fault" aspect is so confusing in the case of meltdowns. I can understand how your wife must have felt, and I feel for her. I feel for both of you. A loving partner will shoulder guilt and blame for their partner's problems where they have none. It's difficult to learn not to take that on. As an Aspie, I'm lousy at recognising when Adam is carrying a burden he shouldn't. I'm going to have to learn to be more cognisant of what he's doing, in that regard. That won't be easy.

I'm currently trying to figure out how to process and categorise my responsibility in this situation. I can say, "That wasn't really me! I couldn't help myself!" but it doesn't quite ring true. It's very true to say I was unable to control myself in the moment, but I am certainly responsible to repair the damage, to learn more about this previously hidden monster of mine, and to keep an eye out for future buildup of stress. I'm still pondering where else my responsibilities may lie.

 

[Ellylldan]

You put so much thought and time into your posts that I felt bad snipping them down. Alas, I have to answer a number of people. Forgiven?

Please, don't feel bad, and there is surely nothing to forgive. I often can't express my thoughts in a way I mean it and end up creating an uncomfortable situation for someone, sorry about it..

If I was able to be of any help in your struggle, I'm glad.
Hang in there, you're not alone. And, you have wonderful friends!

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I know you like me, Angie, and I like you as well. I appreciate your honesty and your point of view. Your initial response stung me a bit, but then it occurred to me that few people have the balls to speak up to a "friend" the way you did, especially a NT. I can't help but admire that. I'm also keenly aware of comments very much like your own that I've made to other members here, when they have described their partners' meltdowns. For that history, I can't very well be offended by anything you said. This isn't something one can fully understand till they've experienced it. Slithytoves seems to have it nailed down, but she has also had the advantage of a timely case study in my own incident. Smartly, she jumped at the opportunity to learn, apparently integrating it into her previous understanding of psychology.

I think we all know hitting is not "okay", and that we should be mindful that words, once spoken, are out there forever. Of course I have to live with the consequences. It's been the single theme of my life since Saturday night. Since this thread has turned to be quite educational, I should reiterate what Slithytoves said, that I had no control of what came out of my mouth in meltdown, and that I didn't mean any of it. The things I said that pertained to actual annoyances I've had with Adam were remnants of moments my conscious brain had long forgotten as unimportant. Everything else I may have said was a barrage of defencive quills and venom. The shove was to get him out of my space, which honestly may have saved him from much worse. I am a bit afraid to say this, but in the moment, I wanted to do much worse.

You may not understand this...I didn't either, until yesterday...but in my head, I was defending myself from a mortal threat, and was throwing everything I had to fend it off. Adam wasn't the threat, but because I had gone totally irrational, he became its embodiment. Generally speaking, such threats are external. This one wasn't, so my brain assigned the source as him. None of this explaining relieves me of responsibility, however. That, I have found, is the painful irony of a meltdown. It's as though a terrorist burst into my home, tied me up, and attacked my beloved...yet I am to blame for it.




You may be misunderstanding what's being said by our friends, here. I don't think any Aspie would expect their partner to "just get over" what happens in a meltdown focused directly on them. The Aspie him- or herself won't just "get over it", either. Trust me on that. I'm sure everyone here expects Adam to be in shock and needing time. I certainly do.




As for warning signs, they clearly may not be obvious enough to catch in time. I knew I was under stress, but had no idea it would come to that. Remember, we Aspies aren't always very well in touch with what's going on inside us. It's a very unfortunate paradox that we should be so potentially volatile, yet not well-equipped to know when an explosion is about to happen.

I need to figure out what my triggers are, and communicate them to Adam. I'm not sure they can be decreased, as they are what they are, and I know for certain they can't be eliminated. What I can do is keep a better eye on them, and know when I need to withdraw for a while to restore my balance. Adam, in turn, can take what he learns about my triggers and help me know when I may be heading into the red zone. That's about the best any couple can do, I reckon.

Thank you, Nadador, for not taking what I said personally. To be honest with you, I don't really know much about meltdowns and I'm reading more about them now. After reading what you posted about what happened, I put myself in Adam's place and what I would have felt going through such a situation and that's what came out of my mouth. I'm going to read some more (actually a lot more) because this is really bothering me. I really want you two to patch things up. I hope Adam is doing ok. This is why I have said in a lot of my posts how important it is to tell the important people in your life that you are an Aspie. Even if one knows about AS, things happen like what happened here that is hard for an NT to understand. There has to be something that can be done because someone could really get hurt physically including the Aspie from self harm.

 

[danielcollins]

I'd like to think I understand your response, I've done this before - very edgy and for no reason just snap.

Of course I like anyone else would want you to get things back on the path of repair with your partner but in my vast experience of putting my foot in it.. Going after them immediately afterwards doesn't work.

Sometimes people need some space and not giving them that can cause more damage than good (I've done it so many times)

I would let things rest for a few days, then approach them and check that they understand why it happened and see if there is enough give there to repair the relationship.

Just my two pence..

 

[royinpink]

Nadador, I empathize and sincerely hope that with patience and understanding, you two can put things right. Just wanted to say that. I wanted to share my own experience, partly because I think I've been on both sides, but mostly because doing so is my way of processing others' situations and explaining how I feel about it. I hope it's not too self-centered and there is something of interest.

Meltdowns have always been a very scary area for me because as a child, my (undiagnosed) AS dad would have them for seemingly anything I would say or do beyond, "Yes, uh huh, I understand, you're right." As an adult, I realized that he stopped making sense at these times and could hold my own (my mother would always leave), but he never learned to understand the effects of his actions, and I still have a lot of resentment about the way he would simply and calmly explain, or even cry, seeming to expect automatic sympathy and understanding from us. Being undiagnosed, he often misattributed the real cause of his struggles to something external. Besides that, his explanations always came off as excuses, refusing to acknowledge or understand the pain he had caused. His emotions, when they were there at all (more as he/I got older), seemed to be more self-pity than empathy, or even manipulative, as if because he was upset, then we owed it to him to forgive him and accept what he had done...although he didn't even realize what he had done and was too proud to apologize. When I was younger, material things (Things he liked. Ice cream.) substituted for an explanation if it was truly awful, but otherwise he just retreated afterward. He did not recognize when we were still not okay, and felt that if he had had his chance to work through it, then we were okay again too. I was too afraid and bewildered to correct him. Partly because of this, I have never felt a connection to my father, and view his understanding of fatherhood (and marriage for that matter) as something like possession.

Despite all that, I soon learned that I was prone to similar outbursts, and it always deeply confused and shamed me. It is bizarre to know that you yourself can't help doing something that you have felt the full negative effects of and despise. I think mine have become more twisted and depressive as a result. Been awhile since I had one, thank god...at least not full-blown. But when I did, the hardest thing for me to learn was to give other people space and not go barging in with apologies and tears and explanations. I could think of nothing else in the meantime, and it was agony trying to wait. To this day, although I accept that it is true, I do not understand when other people say they need 'space' to deal with emotions. I don't have good boundaries, and while I need space for some things, dealing with emotions is not one of them. By myself, I will just overthink and obsess and become anxiety-monster. So I usually end up pushing the issue too much.

So I would've said "Give him space," but people beat me to it. All I have left to add is that you are light years ahead, and kudos to you for trying to understand, apologize, and help your partner cope. You are doing all you can do. That is all anyone can ask.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Funnily enough, my job itself is perhaps the least stressful thing I've got going on, at the moment, other than that I'm at a bit of a crossroads, deciding whether to do one more season or move on to another project. Most of the time, my job is my worst stressor. The business, end, anyway. Going out and doing what I love for weeks at a time is quite therapeutic.

I think that's exactly what Adam is doing. His image of me has always been of a cool-headed pacifist, gentle as a lamb. I know he relies on that. He's usually the one who goes a bit off the rails. He surely must be struggling to put this incident into perspective.

I have no choice but to appear calm and analytical when dealing with a problem, unfortunately. Since Adam's already seen the broken man crawling on his doorstep, I'm hoping he will actually find comfort in having me back to my usual self when it comes time to work things out. I can't do it when I am emotional.

Aye, I think a little calmness would be good. It'd be a sign things are on their way back to normal. Heheh, maybe the only thing he'll end up having to come to terms with is that you two will have to take turns. He rant and rave for a while, you be the understanding, level rock. And then switch! But not too often. Allistic folk are just as set in their routines and ways and comfortable impressions as we are, the book writers just don't want to admit it.

Thank you, Nadador, for not taking what I said personally. To be honest with you, I don't really know much about meltdowns and I'm reading more about them now. After reading what you posted about what happened, I put myself in Adam's place and what I would have felt going through such a situation and that's what came out of my mouth. I'm going to read some more (actually a lot more) because this is really bothering me. I really want you two to patch things up. I hope Adam is doing ok. This is why I have said in a lot of my posts how important it is to tell the important people in your life that you are an Aspie. Even if one knows about AS, things happen like what happened here that is hard for an NT to understand. There has to be something that can be done because someone could really get hurt physically including the Aspie from self harm.

I'd say your perspective is still very helpful. It's a good potential insight into how Adam might be feeling and a good thing to be considered. And hopefully lead to better relations in the future for all of us.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I'd say your perspective is still very helpful. It's a good potential insight into how Adam might be feeling and a good thing to be considered. And hopefully lead to better relations in the future for all of us.

Thank you for seeing it that way, Ashe. I always mean the best even if it may come out wrong at times. I really do like and care for you all. You're good people.

 

[kyliewyote]

Of course (it may be the blind leading the blind though)

but holding hands and doing it together....
sending all the positive vibes I can!

 

[kyliewyote]

I have been on both sides of your situation with my husband. You're more than welcome to bug me about it privately, I'm none too keen on going public with the details just yet. Still a lot of negative emotions around it.

I don't pry much and I don't expect either of your to confide in me to that degree, so if there has been an underlying problem between you two, especially if it has not been previously addressed in some manner, now might not hurt to try to very gently work it out so it doesn't come up again. Was it really just a bunch of little things that can be all dealt with easily, and a simple case of "straw that broke the camel's back"? Or was it just a little thing to mask a much bigger problem eating at you?

Personally, I'd give him a few days. He's probably pretty shook up right now, if not maybe a little mad too. Then very timidly and meekly, ask if you two can sit down and try to discuss it. If he launches some personal attacks, don't take it personally. He's probably sorting through his own emotions and needs to get it off his chest. Insults aren't necessary a pure sign of dislike, sometimes they're the easiest way to express a muddled feeling and lead to a correct way of addressing an issue.

Er, I guess for future reference, don't force yourself into a building bad situation? This event in tandem with the very first time you met should be pretty good reference points in the future if you need to explain why you need some downtime when you're getting unstable.

I hope we hear how things turn out, and fingers crossed for you. I'm NT, and am new on this forum learning all I can about the Aspie world with a new interest. I personally would actually want earlier contact vs "give him a few days". But, that is me, and I'm a more action-driven person vs one to sit back. I just think a gentle approach, and very open is the best way when you get there. It sounds like you have already spoken on the phone, so you already have that as a start that communication has been made. I think keep that communication flowing....

 

[AsheSkyler]

Thank you for seeing it that way, Ashe. I always mean the best even if it may come out wrong at times. I really do like and care for you all. You're good people.

I honestly don't think it came out wrong, but I'm feeling pretty mellow lately. I've attacked and done the attacking, so I quite understand where you were coming from. It's hard not to be judgmental when somebody snaps on you! And there have been a few cases where somebody went too far, and they did permanently ruin the relationship. And I wouldn't accept any apologies and would aggressively run them off. It was a good point to bring up.

I hope we hear how things turn out, and fingers crossed for you. I'm NT, and am new on this forum learning all I can about the Aspie world with a new interest. I personally would actually want earlier contact vs "give him a few days". But, that is me, and I'm a more action-driven person vs one to sit back. I just think a gentle approach, and very open is the best way when you get there. It sounds like you have already spoken on the phone, so you already have that as a start that communication has been made. I think keep that communication flowing....

Yes, same here! I had to learn quite the hard way to give my husband some space because once I get locked on to something, I'm not easy to get rid of. Trying too soon and too fast can make it so much worse with some people. Definitely not a "one size fits all" solution.

 

[ImAnAspie]

I guess we've all had meltdowns but they're not our fault. In fact, they leave us feeling drained.

I'm mostly a calm Aspie but as far as saying sorry is concerned, I'll say sorry to anyone because my sorrys are worth the paper they're written on. Which is nothing. Just words!

 

[HarleyMama]

I'm not sure if this would help, but I like the script.

 

[Warmheart]

Nadador, Adam, I am just stopping by to add a few ((((hugs)))). You both are in my good thoughts today.

 

[Larisa]

I have a friend I cherish a lot but she is NT and takes painfully some my reactions and my wishes (like my wish to be alone for some time). My parents and her father were friends so at first we met without having a lot in common. Later we discovered some common interests and it's there our mutual interest really started.
Actually she refuses to see my wish to contact other autistic people because it's just a year ago that I finally accept my autistic traits and this seems weird for her, who has been knowing me for years.
We talked and I confessed not wanting to loose our friendship but last time we were speaking I told her about me writing on this forum and she snapped at me.
Because of my extensive psychology training of self-awareness I tried to switch her attention to another topic, but still we parted coldly.
We argued in the past - once we had one hotel room for two for one day in a trip we planned and were excited to make.
It was a real disaster - she was energetic and loudly joyful, but I badly needed a silence and solitude to come to my senses after a long road.
There were several incidents I felt unhappy about and I kept pushing myself inside to make space for her expressiveness.
Finally I got so quiet that she snapped at me for she felt left alone despite my physical presence nearby.
After I got home, seething and feeling really worn out, I waited for several days for my anger and hurting to subside, and then I phoned her and told a list of things that made me feel bad and really uncomfortable during our trip. She was not happy with me as well, so we just admitted the hurt and both of us felt herself wronged for no reason as no one felt like apologize.
Time hasn't come yet to sincerely make an apology.
It took us several months but we managed to analyze mistakes we did to each other in that trip and get over them.
I realized that it's not a 'straw' that 'broke the camal's back' but a whole 'cargo' it was added to.
So I focused my efforts on dealing with my own 'cargo' - a pile of my silenced protests and pleas I never uttered aloud but 'swallowed' hoping to 'digest' - but they don't just disapear and they keep on gnaw at me.
It's a hard work to learn not to 'pile up' too much and deal with every irritation or discomfort at once as I sensed them
I myself have not figured out yet how to forgive. What is enough for me to really forgive?
The sincere apology is not enough if the person who hurt me will not do anything to prevent such situations.
I require that the person I let close to me to be very self-aware. It's the best care for me I can imagine - if they are capable of caring for themselves and be mostly balanced themselves.
Now my friend and I once again drifted apart and I am (as she is) still stubborn to make the first step to truce.
It's important for me to get in touch with similar mind-'wiring' people - so why can't my friend see that nothing has really changed in me towards her?
It's just I stand a bit more firmly in the world - now that I've found other people I feel for and - more or less - understand.
I know she fears I don't need her anymore but I told her many times that she means a lot for me, that she is unique for me.
I don't really see what I did wrong - but triggered her fears that I could not soothe in many years. But they are her fears and to my chagrin she has to meet them on her own - because my words and my hugs were never enough to chase them away.
I feel scared that she might choose her fears over me and block me out.
I give her time and space - because I want her to follow her own feelings and not being pressed by mine.
I love her as an amazing and interesting person but I can't stop being what I am even for sake of her comfort.
I do not belong to her. We are separate persons who can not merge into one being and frankly I don't want to be melted together with somebody even the most great and nice one.
I found my equilibrium on my own and it's the only condition I can communicate with the rest of the world.