What Aspies Must Understand About Their Feelings

[deema]

I disagree that ones feelings get hurt by another. The same action to two different people will invoke two different feelings, thus it is not the action but the perception that creates the feeling.

If a kid became the first person to graduate from college or high school, even, and on that day, his/her mother, as he/she was leaving for the ceremony, and asks mother if she is going, and she starts laughing her ass off sayin "no, I met some guy yesterday, he is coming over in a little bit and we are going to bbq" or some crazy sh!t like that... Now let us say that the same scenario played out but the person on the couch was not the mother, but some new room mate that just moved in yesterday.... And of course its the "perception", that is "my saying". Everyihing is perception. i think I already said that, initially.

But of COURSE the feelings were hurt by the mother's actions. There is no way to reconcile an argument against that. From her perspective, the kid's, and from mine, she caused that hurt

 

[deema]

If someone you love dies, do they hurt your feelings? If someone you love leaves you do they hurt your feelings? When your mom and dad sent you to your room did they hurt your feelings?

Actions that can be controlled and actions that cannot, cannot be used together in the argument you are trying to make. A mother couldnt stop a bullet but she can control her own behavior and words

 

[Tia Maria]

I do agree with you with the first point and try to work with this by saying: I am having a bad day, because of how I feel.

Sorry, but totally disagree with your second point. If the person telling the joke, knew the other person is Irish, then the Irish one, has the right to be angry ie justified anger. The one making the joke, would be showing prejudice and bad taste.

Just to interject another perspective under the topic of jokes. A person's intent, their INTENTION, is really important here. Of course someone's true intention, what is truly inside their heart, cannot always be proven or deciphered. But often really knowing the other person, in this case, the joke teller, makes the difference in feeling comfortable & confident about their intent.

Another thing too is that some people are especially sensitive or even overly-sensitive. This can be due to past experiences, their DNA personality, insecurity, cultural background or many other reasons. Such people may take offense when none was intended, or even where a "reasonable person" would not have been offended.

There's also the factor of environment, i.e.; where the joke is being told. Most businesses & employers have a zero tolerance policy for jokes telling in the work place. That is because the judgement of so many people cannot be trusted to know what is appropriate or not; & the fact that so many people today take offense so easily & to so many things. It's too unpredictable to take any chances of possibly offending someone.

I personally am NOT easily offended. Firstly, in situations where I am literally unsure whether someone meant (or intended) to offend me, I will give them the benefit of the doubt & assume they did not. It is especially hard to "read" the context & intent of the written word - say in email or here - but for NTs it is easier to ascertain that "in-person". But still, if I do not know for sure the intent I will give it a "pass" meaning assume the best & ignore it.

If I know without doubt that a person is intending to insult or annoy me, it depends upon the circumstances & location, but I will either 1) still not take offense because it actually does not bother me (aka I do not care), or 2) I will be annoyed but say nothing & tuck it away in my mental file cabinet (figuratively speaking) as Strike 1 against the Jerk.

Separately, four of my great, great grandparents immigrated from Ireland & England, & we are all Catholics to this day. If you are in need of any good Irish Catholic jokes let me know - because I wouldn't be a very good Irish Catholic if I didn't have a lot of good Irish Catholic jokes! My family LOVES them. Now my Dad on the other hand would be mad as hell if anyone told a joke against his ancestry. He was "sensitive" about it. The other side of the family was not.

I would not consider telling what are old fashioned stereotypical jokes to be prejudiced. That would depend entirely on whether the joke teller is a prejudiced person. Again, intent is key. But such joke telling may be rude, tasteless & inappropriate anyway.

And certainly if someone knows that another person is sensitive about a certain topic, they should try to avoid offending them because that is the nice & decent way to treat others.

PS - People who are overly-sensitive, about a lot of things, generally come across as "difficult" to most NTs ... meaning that they are difficult to please &/or get along with. Most NTs find that stressful so wish to avoid or limit their interactions with them, preferring the company of easy going people.

 

[deema]

I almost

Just to interject another perspective under the topic of jokes. A person's intent, their INTENTION, is really important here. Of course someone's true intention, what is truly inside their heart, cannot always be proven or deciphered. But often really knowing the other person, in this case, the joke teller, makes the difference in feeling comfortable & confident about their intent.

Another thing too is that some people are especially sensitive or even overly-sensitive. This can be due to past experiences, their DNA personality, insecurity, cultural background or many other reasons. Such people may take offense when none was intended, or even where a "reasonable person" would not have been offended.

There's also the factor of environment, i.e.; where the joke is being told. Most businesses & employers have a zero tolerance policy for jokes telling in the work place. That is because the judgement of so many people cannot be trusted to know what is appropriate or not; & the fact that so many people today take offense so easily & to so many things. It's too unpredictable to take any chances of possibly offending someone.

I personally am NOT easily offended. Firstly, in situations where I am literally unsure whether someone meant (or intended) to offend me, I will give them the benefit of the doubt & assume they did not. It is especially hard to "read" the context & intent of the written word - say in email or here - but for NTs it is easier to ascertain that "in-person". But still, if I do not know for sure the intent I will give it a "pass" meaning assume the best & ignore it.

If I know without doubt that a person is intending to insult or annoy me, it depends upon the circumstances & location, but I will either 1) still not take offense because it actually does not bother me (aka I do not care), or 2) I will be annoyed but say nothing & tuck it away in my mental file cabinet (figuratively speaking) as Strike 1 against the Jerk.

Separately, four of my great, great grandparents immigrated from Ireland & England, & we are all Catholics to this day. If you are in need of any good Irish Catholic jokes let me know - because I wouldn't be a very good Irish Catholic if I didn't have a lot of good Irish Catholic jokes! My family LOVES them. Now my Dad on the other hand would be mad as hell if anyone told a joke against his ancestry. He was "sensitive" about it. The other side of the family was not.

I would not consider telling what are old fashioned stereotypical jokes to be prejudiced. That would depend entirely on whether the joke teller is a prejudiced person. Again, intent is key. But such joke telling may be rude, tasteless & inappropriate anyway.

And certainly if someone knows that another person is sensitive about a certain topic, they should try to avoid offending them because that is the nice & decent way to treat others.

PS - People who are overly-sensitive, about a lot of things, generally come across as "difficult" to most NTs ... meaning that they are difficult to please &/or get along with. Most NTs find that stressful so wish to avoid or limit their interactions with them, preferring the company of easy going people.

I almost made the "intention" argument but it actually has a hole, too. An aspie can simply be oblivious to the way our actions and words are taken, have zero intention to hurt, but still do so by showing that we just dont care about whatever the situation. If that mother was an aspie, it could be that she didnt understand how it could affect another.... Or she may know how it will affect another, but still not care. That isnt intention to be hurtful, just unconcerned with whether it is.

Yes, it is contingent upon the "personal relationship" aspect

 

[Tia Maria]

I heard a famous comedian say once, in an interview, that if they had to eliminate racist, fattist, blonde-ist, etc jokes, there'd be very little to joke about at all. Similarly, if I refer to my friends black skin (it's actually a beautifully dark chestnut I'm envious of) she knows I'm not being racist, yet I always had to be careful in my business to project a neutral demeanour when talking about skin 'color' with non-caucasians.. I have to wonder, if we all take offence all the time, wars start!
I think I'd rather attempt communication and then apologise, than be afraid to say anything at all for fear of political incorrectness.
Sorry Suzanne, Guendolen, no argument intended, that's just my thoughts.. your point can be a very real problem for some!

I agree. I've been on cruises & to comedy shows where every person in the audience could have been offended if they chose to be because nothing was off limits. They were hysterically funny & no one was angry. It is good for people to be able to appreciate the humor in life, & to be secure enough to laugh at themselves. Keep in mind that no joke was malicious or directed at any specific person.

Of course in personal relationships, if someone takes offense to something, rightly or wrongly, the friend or partner should apologize & respect the other person's feelings. To do any less demonstrates a lack of caring for that person & a lack of proper regard for the relationship. The "relationship" can be anything from a marriage, to dating, friendship, acquaintances, work colleagues, neighbors, etc.. To truly care about another person is to appreciate & respect, to honor them. But that still doesn't mean that someone might not simply be overly-sensitive.

 

[deema]

I agree. I've been on cruises & to comedy shows where every person in the audience could have been offended if they chose to be because nothing was off limits. They were hysterically funny & no one was angry. It is good for people to be able to appreciate the humor in life, & to be secure enough to laugh at themselves. Keep in mind that no joke was malicious or directed at any specific person.

Of course in personal relationships, if someone takes offense to something, rightly or wrongly, the friend or partner should apologize & respect the other person's feelings. To do any less demonstrates a lack of caring for that person & a lack of proper regard for the relationship. The "relationship" can be anything from a marriage, to dating, friendship, acquaintances, work colleagues, neighbors, etc.. To truly care about another person is to appreciate & respect, to honor them. But that still doesn't mean that someone might not simply be overly-sensitive.

And "taking offense" and "hurt feelings" are no where near the same thing, as I mentioned earlier

 

[deema]

Cause hurt feelings can be the result of taking offense. But being offended does not necessarily mean that it will hurt feelings

 

[Maelstrom]

I disagree that ones feelings get hurt by another. The same action to two different people will invoke two different feelings, thus it is not the action but the perception that creates the feeling.

Well I'm behind, (Peace), here 100%...If you know someone is not trying to hurt you and you use it as a excuse to go over and tear them up, who is the real villain here. I have noticed that some people take offense if you breath on them, ironically they tend to be the very same people who leave trails of dismembered people behind them. I think the greatest asset in life is a sense of humor if they're just trying to be funny, so just laugh, that's all they wanted anyways. Life is hard enough without coming up with imaginary wolves all the time. I tell jokes on my self and my ethnic background all the time it means nothing to me, I choose who I am not some dead grand parent I never met. And what am suppose to do if someone tells a joke ask for a birth certificate...oh please ...if a joke is really in bad taste I just say hey that ones not cool, and they usually don't do it again, after all they are looking for a laugh, not a dead room. Getting all angry over nothing is stupid. I see no point in lumping in nice people with the truly rotten ones, and everyone knows who they are sooner or latter. PS..they usually are the ones pointing the finger at everyone else.

 

[Tia Maria]

I almost

I almost made the "intention" argument but it actually has a hole, too. An aspie can simply be oblivious to the way our actions and words are taken, have zero intention to hurt, but still do so by showing that we just dont care about whatever the situation. If that mother was an aspie, it could be that she didnt understand how it could affect another.... Or she may know how it will affect another, but still not care. That isnt intention to be hurtful, just unconcerned with whether it is.

In the NT world, INTENTION is indeed extremely important as to whether someone should take offense to something. That is a great point ... someone not actually intending or desiring to actively offend, but knowing that it will offend but not caring that it will offend .... that is being careless ... & in my opinion is an indirect intention to offend. Do you know what I mean?

In other words, genuine good intentions or blissful ignorance, can be overlooked in some cases & explained gently in private (i.e.; Explain to the person that although they did not deliberately wish or plan to offend ... they inadvertently did, rightly or wrongly. By rightly or wrongly I mean perhaps the offended person is legitimately offended despite no intention to offend them, OR perhaps they are over-sensitive & should not really be offended by a "reasonable person" standard. Either way, the unintentional offender should apologize & attempt to NOT re-offend.)

In cases where the "offender" does not have actively malicious or bad intentions, or an actual desire to harm, BUT KNOWS that their words or behavior will offend or harm someone AND yet chooses to proceed with words or actions that they know will hurt, harm or offend ... but just don't care or are indifferent ... IMO the recipient - the mother's child in your specific example - has been subjected to the WORST kind of abuse & offense. And the subject mother is a very bad & incompetent mother who is psychologically damaging her child.

In fact, I would wonder whether such a mother would fall under the criteria of BPD, psychopath, sociopath, narcissist or another serious & detrimental character disorder.

It is my understanding that a true lack of empathy is NOT necessarily a trait of autism or Aspergers.

To KNOW & NOT CARE lacks empathy & s equal to having intent. "Not caring" is not the same as ignorance & or not an acceptable excuse. Especially regarding raising & interacting with children.

 

[deema]

Well I'm behind, (Peace), here 100%...If you know someone is not trying to hurt you and you use it as a excuse to go over and tear them up, who is the real villain here. I have noticed that some people take offense if you breath on them, ironically they tend to be the very same people who leave trails of dismembered people behind them. I think the greatest asset in life is a sense of humor if they're just trying to be funny, so just laugh, that's all they wanted anyways. Life is hard enough without coming up with imaginary wolves all the time. I tell jokes on my self and my ethnic background all the time it means nothing to me, I choose who I am not some dead grand parent I never met. And what am suppose to do if someone tells a joke ask for a birth certificate...oh please ...if a joke is really in bad taste I just say hey that ones not cool, and they usually don't do it again, after all they are looking for a laugh, not a dead room. Getting all angry over nothing is stupid. I see no point in lumping in nice people with the truly rotten ones, and everyone knows who they are sooner or latter. PS..they usually are the ones pointing the finger at everyone else.

Your "who is the villain" here question is not on point, forget about the reactionary side, it comes after and so doesnt mean anything relative to what came before it. And it doesnt matter if you know they are "not trying to hurt you", and yet it still hurts you, because it still hurts you... This is why the responsibility is not, at all, on the one getting hurt, but by the other who knows that they can potentially hurt the other, and so must take steps to avoid that.

Bottom line is this. It is possible to take steps to not hurt another. It is not possible to take steps to avoid being hurt, other than removing/shielding/transforming any emotional connection with that other person. This is the reason, this exact line of issue, that for me, as the aspie that I am, the only thing that can interfere with my flawless use of logic, is emotion. It turns the rational , irrational, and vice/versa

 

[Tia Maria]

I find this very disturbing. I will take offence as many times as i feel offended. Your post has a lecturing tone.
The idea that jokes will be emilinated is a fallacy and you know it. And noone said to be afraid. But after many years trying to tolerate behaviors i find wrong i no longer do that. Many NT's react the way you write on your post which is a passive aggressive way to make me ''chill out'' or ''lighten up''.
Nope. Not happening.

Guendolen, Of course you are free & entitled to take offense as many times as you may feel offended, & to as many different & varied things you find offensive. And anyone who cares about you, including all of us participating on this thread, should treat your personal feelings & opinion with caring & respect. Also no one should tolerate bad behavior directed at them. Separately, there is probably a comparable % of the NT population who take offense easily & at a multitude of things. That is not something that's exclusive to Aspies.

But what you are taking as an "NT" reaction or 'way of writing' as being "passive aggressive" doesn't ring true although you can feel that way.

Some NT people do offend carelessly, meaning that that they don't intend it, but when explained that they have offended ... instead of apologizing with sincerity they are a bit dismissive. That attitude is not passive aggressive, but just thoughtless. They honestly do not understand how or why you are offended & will not make the effort to understand or possibly even care about your feelings. That makes them rude & thoughtless & not someone you would not want to spend or waste your thoughts, time or effort on.

The purposes of my comments & I think some others here (as I read them) are to have an OPEN DIALOGUE & provide different perspectives. It is not that anyone is wrong or right ... especially in regards to feelings because we are all entitled to however we feel about something. However we feel is right, because we feel what we feel. But sometimes how we feel about something ... or react emotionally to something ... when we're overly sensitive or too easily offended ... can be counter productive & detrimental to our own success & happiness. We can sabotage ourselves. But none of this is the same thing as tolerating bad behavior.

All that said, please know that I am not intending to lecture nor hurt or upset anyone. I am just throwing out some things to think about & hopefully we all grow from. It's coming with good feelings from the heart. And I do care how you feel, & are receiving all this.

 

[Tia Maria]

If a kid became the first person to graduate from college or high school, even, and on that day, his/her mother, as he/she was leaving for the ceremony, and asks mother if she is going, and she starts laughing her ass off sayin "no, I met some guy yesterday, he is coming over in a little bit and we are going to bbq" or some crazy sh!t like that... Now let us say that the same scenario played out but the person on the couch was not the mother, but some new room mate that just moved in yesterday.... And of course its the "perception", that is "my saying". Everyihing is perception. i think I already said that, initially.

But of COURSE the feelings were hurt by the mother's actions. There is no way to reconcile an argument against that. From her perspective, the kid's, and from mine, she caused that hurt

As you obviously know, the obligation that a mother owes her child, even at that age of HS or college graduate, is not comparable to the obligation of a new roommate. The new roommate understandably does not really want to take their time to attend their new roommate's special event regardless that it is a special occasion that justifies celebration. The mother as described has done an injustice to her child. That was not providing the love & affirmation that every child NEEDS & every mother OWES. Too many people are not qualified or up to the task of being parents, but procreate anyway. I never understood that. And my heart aches for this child who was treated so callously & un-lovingly by the one person they counted on for everything in the world. The one person they looked to for unconditional love. Perhaps the mother had equally poor parenting as a child. Perhaps the mother is doing the best she can & deserves some pity. Unfortunately I can summon none. All my sympathy is already taken for this kid whose needs & personhood were put second to a stranger & some BBQ & who carried a lifetime of hurt into adulthood. <3

 

[Tia Maria]

Well I'm behind, (Peace), here 100%...If you know someone is not trying to hurt you and you use it as a excuse to go over and tear them up, who is the real villain here. I have noticed that some people take offense if you breath on them, ironically they tend to be the very same people who leave trails of dismembered people behind them. I think the greatest asset in life is a sense of humor if they're just trying to be funny, so just laugh, that's all they wanted anyways. Life is hard enough without coming up with imaginary wolves all the time. I tell jokes on my self and my ethnic background all the time it means nothing to me, I choose who I am not some dead grand parent I never met. And what am suppose to do if someone tells a joke ask for a birth certificate...oh please ...if a joke is really in bad taste I just say hey that ones not cool, and they usually don't do it again, after all they are looking for a laugh, not a dead room. Getting all angry over nothing is stupid. I see no point in lumping in nice people with the truly rotten ones, and everyone knows who they are sooner or latter. PS..they usually are the ones pointing the finger at everyone else.

My dead grandparents made the joke first! Then what?!?! Just kidding!!

 

[Suzanne]

Just to interject another perspective under the topic of jokes. A person's intent, their INTENTION, is really important here. Of course someone's true intention, what is truly inside their heart, cannot always be proven or deciphered. But often really knowing the other person, in this case, the joke teller, makes the difference in feeling comfortable & confident about their intent.

Another thing too is that some people are especially sensitive or even overly-sensitive. This can be due to past experiences, their DNA personality, insecurity, cultural background or many other reasons. Such people may take offense when none was intended, or even where a "reasonable person" would not have been offended.

There's also the factor of environment, i.e.; where the joke is being told. Most businesses & employers have a zero tolerance policy for jokes telling in the work place. That is because the judgement of so many people cannot be trusted to know what is appropriate or not; & the fact that so many people today take offense so easily & to so many things. It's too unpredictable to take any chances of possibly offending someone.

I personally am NOT easily offended. Firstly, in situations where I am literally unsure whether someone meant (or intended) to offend me, I will give them the benefit of the doubt & assume they did not. It is especially hard to "read" the context & intent of the written word - say in email or here - but for NTs it is easier to ascertain that "in-person". But still, if I do not know for sure the intent I will give it a "pass" meaning assume the best & ignore it.

If I know without doubt that a person is intending to insult or annoy me, it depends upon the circumstances & location, but I will either 1) still not take offense because it actually does not bother me (aka I do not care), or 2) I will be annoyed but say nothing & tuck it away in my mental file cabinet (figuratively speaking) as Strike 1 against the Jerk.

Separately, four of my great, great grandparents immigrated from Ireland & England, & we are all Catholics to this day. If you are in need of any good Irish Catholic jokes let me know - because I wouldn't be a very good Irish Catholic if I didn't have a lot of good Irish Catholic jokes! My family LOVES them. Now my Dad on the other hand would be mad as hell if anyone told a joke against his ancestry. He was "sensitive" about it. The other side of the family was not.

I would not consider telling what are old fashioned stereotypical jokes to be prejudiced. That would depend entirely on whether the joke teller is a prejudiced person. Again, intent is key. But such joke telling may be rude, tasteless & inappropriate anyway.

And certainly if someone knows that another person is sensitive about a certain topic, they should try to avoid offending them because that is the nice & decent way to treat others.

PS - People who are overly-sensitive, about a lot of things, generally come across as "difficult" to most NTs ... meaning that they are difficult to please &/or get along with. Most NTs find that stressful so wish to avoid or limit their interactions with them, preferring the company of easy going people.

You sound like my husband, but of course, he is an NT too. Mmmmm your illustration with the comic. First one knows what to expect otherwise, would not be there, so if offended, that would be stupid or inane and my husband also agrees that if the black or etc starts the joke, that is one thing, but I am pretty sure that even nts would find it hard knowing the intention behind the joke.

Take for example a friend of mine, who is obese. Would it be ok of me to start joking about obese people, even if I am not aiming it at her? Surely that is called bad taste and tactless?

I am one of Jehovah's Witnesses and have to put up with jokes. Some I laugh and join in with, but others, hurt because I love my Creator.

To be honest, I am surrounded by nts and come on here, to breath.

My husband says I should learn to adapt to nts but I have tried and he is only now trying with me.

I wonder if an NT is capable of understanding an aspie? We, aspies have to put up with NT's all the time, so to be blunt this is our turn. It is hard wearing the mask and so, I honestly don't wish to wear it on here.

 

[Suzanne]

I am mixed race. At school i was called ''undead'' and ''to go back to my country''. The teachers said things to my parents like 'they are kids, its a joke'' and other generic crap like ''ignore them''. If the people harm or make someone else sad at my presence i don't just let it be. This behavior has caused me trouble countless of times, but if you stay indifferent when viewing an injustice you have taken the side of the oppressor.

Love your answers and we could be twins lol I too have had to suffer jokes about me being a red head and thus, go red very quickly and nts seem to find it hilarious to point out how red I am

 

[Tia Maria]

Your "who is the villain" here question is not on point, forget about the reactionary side, it comes after and so doesnt mean anything relative to what came before it. And it doesnt matter if you know they are "not trying to hurt you", and yet it still hurts you, because it still hurts you... This is why the responsibility is not, at all, on the one getting hurt, but by the other who knows that they can potentially hurt the other, and so must take steps to avoid that.

Bottom line is this. It is possible to take steps to not hurt another. It is not possible to take steps to avoid being hurt, other than removing/shielding/transforming any emotional connection with that other person. This is the reason, this exact line of issue, that for me, as the aspie that I am, the only thing that can interfere with my flawless use of logic, is emotion. It turns the rational , irrational, and vice/versa

"It is possible to take steps to not hurt another. It is not possible to take steps to avoid being hurt, other than removing/shielding/transforming any emotional connection with that other person."

Yes. Keep in mind though what level of obligation the person "owes" for lack of a better word. Back to your example of the mother vs. the new roommate. Even if the graduate feels sad ... thus a little hurt or disappointed ... should the new roommate decline to attend the graduation ... & the graduate has a right to FEEL sad or hurt if he does, but offense should not be taken because it really wasn't appropriate to expect the new roommate to have to attend. The relationship is new, & also casual.

The mother on the other hand should normally attend to show love & support for her child. She should ideally WANT to attend. If she doesn't want to attend because she doesn't feel that kind of love &/or commitment to attend ... well, sadly she cannot help or force her feelings. Maybe she wants to attend but doesn't really 'feel' like going out that day, In either scenario, she should CHOOSE the loving & supportive behavior of attending. (By the way, I'm sorry, but where is Dad?!)

It is smart & self protective - even necessary - for anyone to remove themselves from contact & having any relationship with a person who has shown that they will not take the appropriate steps to avoiding hurting them.

Deciding that they can never trust anyone to not hurt them is going to result in an empty lonely life. So they might choose instead to work through their "issues" so that they can learn how to love & accept love.

 

[Tia Maria]

I am mixed race. At school i was called ''undead'' and ''to go back to my country''. The teachers said things to my parents like 'they are kids, its a joke'' and other generic crap like ''ignore them''. If the people harm or make someone else sad at my presence i don't just let it be. This behavior has caused me trouble countless of times, but if you stay indifferent when viewing an injustice you have taken the side of the oppressor.

Guendolen, I am so sorry. I did not know this background. That was terrible & so wrong what you were subjected to at school. You were also a defenseless child & an adult should have stepped in & put a stop to it immediately. It was intolerable. The saying is that children can be cruel, & those who would treat another child like this are either ignorant idiots who will mature to be ashamed & remorseful of these actions, or grow into cruel adults, But I personally don't understand such a lack of empathy & compassion in even children. Adults saying that it was 'joking' etc.. missed the mark because it was NOT funny. It was bullying & hurtful. I am sorry you endured this & now I completely understand your reactions, sensitivity & feelings. I thought I was 'helping' to explain how some things 'work'. I am sorry, & ask that you please accept my apology. Just so you know I would never stand by & watch a child or anyone be bullied or picked on in my presence.

 

[Tia Maria]

You sound like my husband, but of course, he is an NT too. Mmmmm your illustration with the comic. First one knows what to expect otherwise, would not be there, so if offended, that would be stupid or inane and my husband also agrees that if the black or etc starts the joke, that is one thing, but I am pretty sure that even nts would find it hard knowing the intention behind the joke.

Take for example a friend of mine, who is obese. Would it be ok of me to start joking about obese people, even if I am not aiming it at her? Surely that is called bad taste and tactless?

I am one of Jehovah's Witnesses and have to put up with jokes. Some I laugh and join in with, but others, hurt because I love my Creator.

To be honest, I am surrounded by nts and come on here, to breath.

My husband says I should learn to adapt to nts but I have tried and he is only now trying with me.

I wonder if an NT is capable of understanding an aspie? We, aspies have to put up with NT's all the time, so to be blunt this is our turn. It is hard wearing the mask and so, I honestly don't wish to wear it on here.

I hear you Suzanne. I am trying & want to understand. This is your safe space. Do not wear a mask.

I tend to want to help & 'fix' things but often people just desire to vent etc.. & everyone needs a place where they can say whatever they feel like saying without criticism or lecture. Even if the intention - my intention - was to mean well.

I am sorry & I do apologize. I personally don't take offense to things unless they are directed towards me. I agree that making fun of' a friend or co-worker is never appropriate. I would dump a friend who made fun of me because it would feel hurtful. I personally think it's "weird" that your co-workers tease you about your hair color. I also dislike insults to Jesus who I too accept as my Creator.

You come here to breath & receive unconditional support from others who understand. I am truly sorry.

 

[Suzanne]

I hear you Suzanne. I am trying & want to understand. This is your safe space. Do not wear a mask.

I tend to want to help & 'fix' things but often people just desire to vent etc.. & everyone needs a place where they can say whatever they feel like saying without criticism or lecture. Even if the intention - my intention - was to mean well.

I am sorry & I do apologize. I personally don't take offense to things unless they are directed towards me. I agree that making fun of' a friend or co-worker is never appropriate. I would dump a friend who made fun of me because it would feel hurtful. I personally think it's "weird" that your co-workers tease you about your hair color. I also dislike insults to Jesus who I too accept as my Creator.

You come here to breath & receive unconditional support from others who understand. I am truly sorry.

Your apology is accepted, tia maria oh and I sadly do not work, well I do lol since I am married. I live in France and it is not my hair colour, because many females dye their hair, my colour, but do not have to contend with my reddish skin and even had a nurse point to my flushed skin and whisper to her colleague. In England, I did not even take notice of my skin, because my husband finds me sexy lol but here, in France, that all has changed and I hate my colour, but naturally, not a great deal I can do about it.

I actually strongly believe that if each human being was to be Christ like even if they do not believe), that there would be no need for overly sensitive people, because no perceived or intended jokes would come their way. We humans complicate issues, by putting rules in, where they do not exist. I think of health and safety here, where fundamentally common sense dictates what is safe and not, but with all the heavy rules and regulations, pushed upon us, that "safe" environment actually becomes unsafe. I think also of hygiene. Some parents go over board and cause a child's immune system to break down. When I was in therapy, my councillor said to me: who do you think out of you and me, who has the better immune system? I said, of course her, because she had a clean environment. She actually shocked me when she said: actually you do, because your body had to adapt to filthy conditions. I shot back: so you are giving those parents an excuse with how they treated me? She of course, had to explain that she was not talking about that aspect. I only discovered aspergers about 5 year's ago and so, at my counselling days, I had no idea of what was going on.

We are told to put away obscene jesting etc ie bible says this and as someone who is striving to be a christian, I endeavour to do that, but I fail many times; mostly sexual innuendo, but am working on that.

Lol sorry, I see I digress much here.

For an NT you are not so bad

 

[Tia Maria]

Your apology is accepted, tia maria oh and I sadly do not work, well I do lol since I am married. I live in France and it is not my hair colour, because many females dye their hair, my colour, but do not have to contend with my reddish skin and even had a nurse point to my flushed skin and whisper to her colleague. In England, I did not even take notice of my skin, because my husband finds me sexy lol but here, in France, that all has changed and I hate my colour, but naturally, not a great deal I can do about it.

I actually strongly believe that if each human being was to be Christ like even if they do not believe), that there would be no need for overly sensitive people, because no perceived or intended jokes would come their way. We humans complicate issues, by putting rules in, where they do not exist. I think of health and safety here, where fundamentally common sense dictates what is safe and not, but with all the heavy rules and regulations, pushed upon us, that "safe" environment actually becomes unsafe. I think also of hygiene. Some parents go over board and cause a child's immune system to break down. When I was in therapy, my councillor said to me: who do you think out of you and me, who has the better immune system? I said, of course her, because she had a clean environment. She actually shocked me when she said: actually you do, because your body had to adapt to filthy conditions. I shot back: so you are giving those parents an excuse with how they treated me? She of course, had to explain that she was not talking about that aspect. I only discovered aspergers about 5 year's ago and so, at my counselling days, I had no idea of what was going on.

We are told to put away obscene jesting etc ie bible says this and as someone who is striving to be a christian, I endeavour to do that, but I fail many times; mostly sexual innuendo, but am working on that.

Lol sorry, I see I digress much here.

For an NT you are not so bad

Thank you for sharing all that. I will share a similar one with you another time when I am not so tired! I totally agree with what you said about people trying to be more Christ like. Emphasis on trying! But caring for other people, for each other, is the difference IMO. I see a lot of that here on this site & it is refreshing. You are a good person Suzanne. 'Not so bad for an NT' ... that's apparently a big compliment so I'll take it! Good night! I hope you sleep well!