What Aspies Must Understand About Their Feelings

[Grumpy Cat]

It makes me really angry when NT's act as jerks and try to brush it off as ''joke''. Own your junk. If i insult someone even without intention i apologise.

All NT's are not jerks who never apologize whenever they say something wrong. I am one who always apologizes - sometimes when i shouldn't. This statement to me is racist. Every person is unique and shouldn't be lumped into one group.

 

[zurb]

I don't think she said all NTs are like that, but some are. But it is not necessarily a uniquely NT behaviour as I think aspies can do this too.
Apologies is a funny topic. Many aspies struggle to apologise, especially if they can't see that they did anything wrong. That would in itself be a lie.

 

[Guendolen]

I do not see the word ''all'' before the word ''NTs'' in my post. This means it doesn't refer to ALL of them.

 

[wyverary]

Just a reminder to make sure discussion stays robust yet CIVIL. Not directed at anyone in particular; just don't want this thread to take an ugly turn. Thanks.

 

[King_Oni]

As I read into this topic it's pointed out there's a certain disparity between reality and how one interprets it and thus feels about it.

And that makes me wonder about a few things, especially about the examples in the OP. Because I feel a certain way and only I feel that way, I must be wrong? For what it's worth I might hate the weather and makes up for a ****** day to me. Plenty of people hate those dark clouded days filled with rain. I could do with less sun. Similarly, I could do with a better place to live and the list goes on. If anything I suppose one can argue about the degree of "feeling bad" and how realistic it is to be irrationally pissed off about it, but feeling bad because you're not in an ideal place seems quite common and that's not just for aspies. Plenty of NT's have the same stuff going on. Even my parents have this and while their health isn't amazing (and perhaps outright terrible) they could also be "grateful" to be alive and stop whining... and they don't... and they're not on the spectrum.

How about the other way around; people get upset over things and feel "bad" while I think "get over it". Does that mean I'm wrong? The notion there's a universal truth to how one must feel doesn't really feel right to me at all. I mean, the last time I had a death in the family I brushed it off as "ok... when's the funeral?" without shedding a single tear or anything. While other people, who were less related to this family member, my grandfather, cried, what I'd like to perceive as uncontrollably. I guess one can say I'm not in touch with feelings that are appropriate for humans, but the idea that I have to show emotion at the same time as others, in the same way... it's one of those things where I'll take a few steps back and start wondering if I should just distance myself from being part of this "human" thing.

 

[Peace]

And I'm Irish, Scottish, and Cherokee among others, what's your point? That the moment anybody suggests making a joke about the Irish I'm supposed to get fighting mad and start threatening to push down women? Doesn't seem like a good way to handle it to me. Men pushing down people isn't a good idea, that puts the pushed person on level with body parts that are then easily accessible for nefarious purposes.

I think you misunderstood sarcastic, all of my points here, unless you are be

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

I rarely get the feeling that people who dwell on motive pay enough attention to outcome.

Fortunately, we do get to choose whether we identify as victims or as survivors, and whether we focus on what was done to us, or what we become because the event forced some kind of development to manage the pain.

 

[meff]

All NT's are not jerks who never apologize whenever they say something wrong. I am one who always apologizes - sometimes when i shouldn't. This statement to me is racist. Every person is unique and shouldn't be lumped into one group.

Neurotype isn't race, that statement cannot be racist because it doesn't deal in race. Just wanted to point that out because it's a really bad idea to call something racist when race isn't actually involved.

I think all this attention on whether or not you "meant" to hurt someone is counterproductive.

Example: If I walk up and shove you, is that bad? It may be, unless I was pushing you out of the way to save you from a falling object. Again....MOTIVE!

If you pushed someone out of the way to save them from a falling object and they fall on their arm and break it, does your motive cancel out the fact that now they have a broken arm? Is it no longer your actions that broke their arm, since you did it to help them?
We all do things unintentionally that hurt people. When someone says "Hey! That was hurtful," and then you put it on them to not be hurt, it absolves yourself of responsibility for your actions. Bigotry doesn't hurt people for no reason, it's not just an arbitrary set of actions that make people feel bad. There are histories that affect how a person is affected by the things people do around them. If a woman finds a joke hurtful due to being sexist, it's because it made light of serious difficulties that she has to deal with as a woman. A person telling a joke that they didn't know was upsetting still contributes to those difficulties, so she still gets to feel upset when something that was supposed to be enjoyable turns into another reminder of the troubles she has to experience, and then someone laughs at those troubles. Also, I have to point out, if someone told a joke at the expense of a group of people, but didn't intend to actually hurt those people, what was the point of the joke? What's so funny about putting down other people, and how is that not intended to be hurtful? People often say things without being aware of the full effect of what they're saying, but I feel like telling people that they shouldn't have to examine what they say is counterproductive to social development.

Also, I agree with King_Oni. A person's feelings about a situation aren't automatically invalid. While taking control of one's own feelings and evaluating them can be a great way to sort through unhealthy thoughts and dispel them, feeling something about a neutral event isn't necessarily wrong. I think telling people that their feelings don't matter is grounds for some really troubling conclusions about treating people. If we don't get to feel things independent of the actions committed, are we really in control of ourselves, or do we only get to feel what someone says we are supposed to feel? That's a bit controlling, imo.

 

[Peace]

I rarely get the feeling that people who dwell on motive pay enough attention to outcome.

Fortunately, we do get to choose whether we identify as victims or as survivors, and whether we focus on what was done to us, or what we become because the event forced some kind of development to manage the pain.

I would have been referring to all outcomes, good, bad, happy, mediocre or whatever, although many of us are struggling through difficult times it seems. Much of my life was of difficult times.
Lately I have come to believe that it is ONLY about how you act and how you perceive things to be. We have no control nor responsibility over what others do to us. I purpose myself to be the honorable and respectable person regardless of the situation ( believe me, I don't have to work at offending people). This allows me to walk away free of guilt or responsibility.
Again, I hope this helps someone.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Neurotype isn't race, that statement cannot be racist because it doesn't deal in race. Just wanted to point that out because it's a really bad idea to call something racist when race isn't actually involved.

Let's say "groupist" then. I'm just tired of all NT's being lumped together as being one bad group just because of one person (maybe they were an NT or maybe they even could have been an Aspie) acting like an ass. All NT's and Aspies are individuals and should be thought of as such.

 

[Spiller]

Bigotry by any other word.. still is.
Peace, I admire your ability to 'tighten your main and steer your helm', as I once heard a fellow sailor say.. keep true to your course, my friend, it works for you!

 

[Ericho]

Well, emotions are real, but it is hard for them to overlap with what is actually going on. I know that love is real, because of how powerful it is, but I do understand what you are saying.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I think you misunderstood sarcastic, all of my points here, unless you are be

We need a sarcasm tag! I honestly thought you were serious.

 

[deema]

We experience a lot of feelings, many of them are bad. Bad feelings cause injury and we get mad or we get sad.
"There Is A Difference Between Feelings And Reality" Here is an example:
You are not having a good day. You feel depressed about nothing in particular and "Feel" like it is a bad day. Have you had a good day? And what is the difference between the two? Your feelings. The sun is still shining, you are still able to walk around and you still have a place to live, even if it is in your car it is a place. Others around you do not share your feelings, they are yours alone. The day is not really bad, we just Feel like it is bad.
Example 2: In a group of people someone tells a joke that makes fun of Irish people. You are Irish and take offense to this. You are now angry. There was no intentional harm, the person telling the joke was actually trying to help others laugh and enjoy. You found offense where there was none. The responsibility for you feeling bad is not the fault of the person telling the joke, but of the experiences that taught you to respond with those feelings.
Our feelings are real, but they are only real to us. Feeling like it is a bad day is not the same as it being a bad day. We can help ourselves to feel better by understanding the difference between what we feel and what really is.
I Want Peace

The flaw in this argument is that feelings CAN be, intentionally, induced by others. The other flaw is that reality is subjective, not objective, and each person's "reality" is their view of their existence, if you want to take it to a quantum level. If someone's feelings were hurt by another, that really happened, that is the reality of the person who's feelings were hurt.

 

[Spiller]

If someone's feelings were hurt by another, that really happened, that is the reality of the person who's feelings were hurt.

Isn't it your choice whether or not to be offended by someone though? If someone acts offensively toward me, I usually decide that I won't be upset or angered by their bad mood or maliciousness.. why should I carry that in my heart when the problem's theirs to begin with?
Example: If an aggressive driver forces me out of lane, or whatever, I stay relaxed and calm, accept that this is the current road condition, handle the situation, then move on, enjoying the journey

 

[deema]

Isn't it your choice whether or not to be offended by someone though? If someone acts offensively toward me, I usually decide that I won't be upset or angered by their bad mood or maliciousness.. why should I carry that in my heart when the problem's theirs to begin with?
Example: If an aggressive driver forces me out of lane, or whatever, I stay relaxed and calm, accept that this is the current road condition, handle the situation, then move on, enjoying the journey

Offended and hurt feelings are two very different things. Offended is more superficial is best way I can say it, I suppose.

 

[Spiller]

Offended and hurt feelings are two very different things. Offended is more superficial is best way I can say it, I suppose.

I can see that we view this differently.. interesting. So why do you feel that you can't choose whether or not to be hurt? I'll stick with 'hurt' as my understanding of your comment is that you can choose not to be offended, but can't choose not to be hurt?

 

[deema]

I can see that we view this differently.. interesting. So why do you feel that you can't choose whether or not to be hurt? I'll stick with 'hurt' as my understanding of your comment is that you can choose not to be offended, but can't choose not to be hurt?

Yes, that is what my meaning was. Expressed much better this way

 

[Peace]

The flaw in this argument is that feelings CAN be, intentionally, induced by others. The other flaw is that reality is subjective, not objective, and each person's "reality" is their view of their existence, if you want to take it to a quantum level. If someone's feelings were hurt by another, that really happened, that is the reality of the person who's feelings were hurt.

I disagree that ones feelings get hurt by another. The same action to two different people will invoke two different feelings, thus it is not the action but the perception that creates the feeling.

 

[Peace]

If someone you love dies, do they hurt your feelings? If someone you love leaves you do they hurt your feelings? When your mom and dad sent you to your room did they hurt your feelings?