Video greetings

[Levitator]

Yes, I understand. It is hard to say though for me if how I express is actually me or how I was conditioned to be, or if it was from mostly genetics. I just know my parents did not tolerate mistakes, and they taught us to fear and not trust, so I and my two brothers became mostly silent. Societal members then rejected and criticized that shyness and briefness more, so I admit I went back and forth between avoiding persons and trying to fit in better.

It is great you can, need or want to be yourself after realizing masking was harder or made things worse anyway. It is hard for me to figure out what traits are genetic in.me and which ones were caused by abusive parenting, and as since age thirty five or so I did not feel much intense anxiety, sadness or happiness it could be harder to figure out who I am or want to be now. I do know times I was a very young child laughing and getting really mad, but that seems to have been stomped out by past family and society, and by my attempts to avoid getting too high and low and in avoiding making mistakes.

I do not feel how I am now is causing much effort, but again, I do not feel happiness. A contradiction.

Oh, and if you want to break out of that mold, I highly recommend taking up musical performance. If someone should tell you you suck, hand them your guitar and invite them to do better.

 

[jellyfish]

I might upload a video, I do agree that it is nice to be able to put a moving three dimensional face to screen text when you interact with them for a while

 

[Levitator]

I might upload a video, I do agree that it is nice to be able to put a moving three dimensional face to screen text when you interact with them for a while

Well, if we wanted to be very technical, and who doesn't? It's a 2D projection of a 3D face...

 

[jellyfish]

Are you an AI projection of a human

 

[Levitator]

Are you an AI projection of a human

I'm not sure why people keep saying that about me, or of anyone else. I think their entire society is fake because it's full of theft and deception. They can't explain to me what's fake about me. Maybe they think only a cash register or an Excel sheet would ever tell them they're a crook. I think that's what the problem is. So, you're like a machine to them. You don't have their depth of intuition which tells them it's fine to do whatever the heck they want.

 

[1ForAll]

Oh, and if you want to break out of that mold, I highly recommend taking up musical performance. If someone should tell you you suck, hand them your guitar and invite them to do better.

Oh, I have tried that with keyboards. Still too precise, with me more interested in playing individual notes than chords though I enjoy the sound of chords just as much as individual notes.. It would be the same for guitar likely, with me feeling like a failure if I could not do everything well.

I did take singing lessons though and did pretty well there for the several weeks I tried that, and did not care if I sounded a bit hesitant early on as I just focused on learning and my efforts then. My vocal projection was not the best though as I am more introverted, and with modest personality, so I picked quieter songs.

Our fourteen year old son is better at singing and instruments than I and can do chords and individual notes easier like for keyboards, and he hit pitches precisely for singing, etc. It comes more naturally to him, and as he has good ear training from starting early as a child. After his voice stabilizes more he says he will try hard rock stuff.

 

[Levitator]

Oh, I have tried that with keyboards. Still too precise, with me more interested in playing individual notes than chords though I enjoy the sound of chords just as much as individual notes.. It would be the same for guitar likely, with me feeling like a failure if I could not do everything well.

I did take singing lessons though and did pretty well there for the several weeks I tried that, and did not care if I sounded a bit hesitant early on as I just focused on learning and my efforts then. My vocal projection was not the best though as I am more introverted, and with modest personality, so I picked quieter songs.

Our fourteen year old son is better at singing and instruments than I and can do chords and individual notes easier like for keyboards, and he hit pitches precisely for singing, etc. It comes more naturally to him, and as he has good ear training from starting early as a child. After his voice stabilizes more he says he will try hard rock stuff.

If I were to have a kid, I think I would take great interest in nurturing their artistic side. To me, prose and words have become so useless for interacting with others. You're up against a world that doesn't think you have a soul, seems to question whether you are a sentient being; I'm regretting not having a backup form of self-expression, like music.

 

[1ForAll]

If I were to have a kid, I think I would take great interest in nurturing their artistic side. To me, prose and words have become so useless for interacting with others. You're up against a world that doesn't think you have a soul, seems to question whether you are a sentient being; I'm regretting not having a backup form of self-expression, like music.

Written words only can say so much. They are important for many introverts or those lacking social skills or confidence to communicate, and it is how I communicated mostly for forty years at least but if persons want to form closer relationships, more expression is needed to really feel free and to often understand and relate to others on a more personal or creative level or to get more needs met.

 

[Levitator]

Written words only can say so much. They are important for many introverts or those lacking social skills or confidence to communicate, and it is how I communicated mostly for forty years at least but if persons want to form closer relationships, more expression is needed to really feel free and to often understand and relate to others on a more personal or creative level or to get more needs met.

No, I realize, not everybody feels the freedom from emotional repression to perform music, whether poorly or otherwise. I don't think I have any talent, but that's not the point. The point is the expression. At a certain point you feel like the words go straight into the trash, and the loneliness and isolation far exceeds any shame or embarrassment from putting yourself out there. It's already plenty humiliating to realize you speak in a way such that people instantly put you in a mental trash bin. You can't make it worse by singing.

 

[jellyfish]

You need to change your avatar because until I saw this video I thought you were an angry grumpy dude.

 

[Levitator]

You need to change your avatar because until I saw this video I thought you were an angry grumpy dude.

lol. As far as I can tell, this is how autism works. Step 1, you take a picture of yourself, your expression is blank, and it makes you look vacant and dumb. Step 2, you try to focus yourself on the camera so that you resemble a conscious being, your eyebrows furrow, and now you look angry.
Congratulations, you have autism, for that and many other reasons. The bright side is, though, that it makes life feel a lot less chaotic and it brings peace and order to the chaos, at least a little.

 

[Levitator]

You need to change your avatar because until I saw this video I thought you were an angry grumpy dude.

There, how's that? My God, I'm so depressed and miserable, and I feel stupid discussing this stuff, but there's nothing left! What do you think? Is that what the ladies want, some half-awake looking guy who always looks like he's staring into space? Hot, isn't it? I'd love to find some girl I have to snap my fingers in front of, to wake her up like sleeping beauty, and then go directly to snog town with her. Why? Because we'd be exactly the same, and I don't mind it.

 

[jellyfish]

Well I guess if there's a real selfie avatar with a mean frowny face then the people who read the posts from that person will attach meaning from the expression in the avatar. When I saw you finger gunning and stuff your personality was nothing like how I'd imagined you to be. You were far more bubbly and looked like you were having fun.

 

[Levitator]

Well I guess if there's a real selfie avatar with a mean frowny face then the people who read the posts from that person will attach meaning from the expression in the avatar. When I saw you finger gunning and stuff your personality was nothing like how I'd imagined you to be. You were far more bubbly and looked like you were having fun.

I don't do fake smiles, and when I focus, it makes my eyebrows looks angry. I can't get over how stupid this discussion is, but I keep asking myself; why am I having this discussion? It's the basis upon which the entire planet wants nothing to do with me. So, who's being immature? I know it's always my fault, right?

 

[Levitator]

Hi, it's me again. Feel free to tell me what's so offensive about my presence. I truly want to know, as long as it's honest and not cruel or nasty. Come to think of it, you can be cruel or nasty as long as you're honest.

 

[Levitator]

Hi, it's me again. Feel free to tell me what's so offensive about my presence. I truly want to know, as long as it's honest and not cruel or nasty. Come to think of it, you can be cruel or nasty as long as you're honest.

I'm actually in a terrible amount of emotional pain. I laugh a lot because it's a way of self-medicating, and I'll go straight from laughing at how absurdly bad something is to cringing about it. I feel bad that I come here to ramble and complain a lot. I post a lot, maybe more than I ought to. What I really need is a close friend who can listen to me all day long. Or maybe an hour every day for weeks on end. But I don't have anyone like that, and I'm not asking for that kind of help either, because who is going to pester strangers for that? I feel so unbelievably depressed, and I wanted to comment because it's not lost on me that I'm a trainwreck on here. I just don't see the point in holding in what I have to say anymore. I have no outlets, I haven't had any in a very long time, and I don't see the point in leaving it unsaid. I'm so depressed and miserable, and I don't understand why I have to be alone in the world. I wish someone would explain it to me.

 

[jellyfish]

I don't do fake smiles, and when I focus, it makes my eyebrows looks angry. I can't get over how stupid this discussion is, but I keep asking myself; why am I having this discussion? It's the basis upon which the entire planet wants nothing to do with me. So, who's being immature? I know it's always my fault, right?

Hi, it's me again. Feel free to tell me what's so offensive about my presence. I truly want to know, as long as it's honest and not cruel or nasty. Come to think of it, you can be cruel or nasty as long as you're honest.

I don't know about all that but I just thought after seeing the video that I was interpreting your words a bit differently that's all, and seeing a laughing face where there was once just a frown is a revelation!

And speak freely, TatorTot. That's what this place is for.

 

[1ForAll]

You wanted an honest assessment, but in not a mean way. Well, I could not be mean anyway to your videos as I am not that way and as nothing in your videos makes me want to say anything harsh. So, hope you do not take offense as I speak my mind but being true to who I am. I mean, in this latest video I see just a guy with sadness and exasperation, with humor and smiles mixed in yeah, to try to not get too sad perhaps, or with desire to appear stronger, if not that is just you who naturally will show both. Your personality through video, like another may have alluded to, seems different from your writing, which is not too atypical though, as many may show different sides of who they are in different types of communications. Through writing, you "so far" seem more detailed but I sometimes do not know if you could get more upset if members say the wrong thing for serious topics,or it is hard to sometimes know if you are being sarcastic, serious or funny.

Through video you come across as likeable and not at all scary or bizarre to me. It is easiest for me to personally understand you more through video. I personally do not see any Autism quirks on the surface with how you express. I would have guessed more ADHD personality on the exterior, as I have been around many with those two conditions.. My wife has similar personality as you in ways. More extraverted and friendly on the exterior but very solitary, anxious and sad in other ways and if one looks at the other clues there. She was diagnosed with ADHD, but could have Autism too. Anyway, thanks for sharing. I thought the video was nice. Many here seem to fear doing videos though, at least publicly,or until they learn more. That is not too big of surprise though. At minimum they could prefer to go step by step and build off of communications before jumping fully in or committing to such a form of video expression or to a time frame for those contacts as they likely had many bad experiences and insecurities with socializing too.

Also, what makes it hard is lots of people on this forum to me seem either to.be in a totally receiving, negative or needy mode, a bit too selective or fearful in who they talk to, wanting to talk about mainly one or two topics, or more interested in finding partners than just focusing on sharing back and forth talks about a variety of topics to get to know a variety of others better or to find common ground there or to feel less alone there. I am one of the rarer types who is not too selective or fearful in who I talk to, and as I can see some good in all, much less can I find positive in attempting to socialize more with all.

I am more of a one-to-one person though for videos,voice chat, etc. If anyone ever wants to try such with me, write me privately there, as I was never the group type person for more socializing type stuff. Then I can be myself more and relax more.

 

[Levitator]

We

You wanted an honest assessment, but in not a mean way. Well, I could not be mean anyway to your videos as I am not that way and as nothing in your videos makes me want to say anything harsh. So, hope you do not take offense as I speak my mind but being true to who I am. I mean, in this latest video I see just a guy with sadness and exasperation, with humor and smiles mixed in yeah, to try to not get too sad perhaps, or with desire to appear stronger, if not that is just you who naturally will show both. Your personality through video, like another may have alluded to, seems different from your writing, which is not too atypical though, as many may show different sides of who they are in different types of communications. Through writing, you "so far" seem more detailed but I sometimes do not know if you could get more upset if members say the wrong thing for serious topics,or it is hard to sometimes know if you are being sarcastic, serious or funny.

Through video you come across as likeable and not at all scary or bizarre to me. It is easiest for me to personally understand you more through video. I personally do not see any Autism quirks on the surface with how you express. I would have guessed more ADHD personality on the exterior, as I have been around many with those two conditions.. My wife has similar personality as you in ways. More extraverted and friendly on the exterior but very solitary, anxious and sad in other ways and if one looks at the other clues there. She was diagnosed with ADHD, but could have Autism too. Anyway, thanks for sharing. I thought the video was nice. Many here seem to fear doing videos though, at least publicly,or until they learn more. That is not too big of surprise though. At minimum they could prefer to go step by step and build off of communications before jumping fully in or committing to such a form of video expression or to a time frame for those contacts as they likely had many bad experiences and insecurities with socializing too.

Also, what makes it hard is lots of people on this forum to me seem either to.be in a totally receiving, negative or needy mode, a bit too selective or fearful in who they talk to, wanting to talk about mainly one or two topics, or more interested in finding partners than just focusing on sharing back and forth talks about a variety of topics to get to know a variety of others better or to find common ground there or to feel less alone there. I am one of the rarer types who is not too selective or fearful in who I talk to, and as I can see some good in all, much less can I find positive in attempting to socialize more with all.

I am more of a one-to-one person though for videos,voice chat, etc. If anyone ever wants to try such with me, write me privately there, as I was never the group type person for more socializing type stuff. Then I can be myself more and relax more.

Well, I've often met or seen people with autism who seemed normal to me, and that's part of the reason I feel pretty sure I have it. I don't think we look that strange to each other, unless it's someone who has some extreme trait. I had one particular friend who was supposed to be disabled with it, and he seemed entirely normal to me, except for his voice, which in turn did not sound much different from my own. That's how it goes, doesn't it? You go out into the world, and they turn their back on you, so there's no way you can ask them "Um. What is it you dislike about me, exactly?". It actually makes them really defensive and offended to even acknowledge their judgment. Then, if you come on here, people will tell you "You look fine to me". Well, at least I'm in comfortable company, I think. The reality is the world out there is of a pretty strong and consistent consensus that they don't want to be around me, and it's unclear to me where that comes from. I often point out that I do have the eye-contact aversion, and we don't much notice that, but it drives them crazy, as far as I can tell.

I did talk to someone here who was very quiet and methodical about his speaking, and what I told him is that I completely related to that tendency, and I think I used to be a lot more like that. I used to speak a lot more like how I write, I think. I think that tendency comes partly from the sense that people will accept you if you exert yourself more. To a logic person, that means being neater, more organized, and more deliberate. Except what you gradually realize is that that isn't what's expected of you at all. It's actually the contrary, which is to be more fluent and spontaneous, and I really do think that makes more sense for connecting with people anyway. Also, my autistic friend was a musician, so now that I think of it, I think the traits just express differently. He was definitely introverted, but once you got him talking, he was very casual. I found him odd in a very comfortable and entertaining way, and every now and then, he was extremely funny. Sometimes it was just the way that he would inflect or characterize his impression of something. So, that's not a guy who is extremely rigid in his speaking.