Unconsciously blocking emotion

[Libecht]

Since puberty I've been blocking my emotions so constantly that it has become a habit that I can't even "unblock". For example, when I saw people living in horrible condition on the news, I simply chose not to feel sympathetic or sad, or in a worse case, when I watched a funny video alone, I found myself unconsciously resisting to smile/laugh, as if I wasn't allowed to. I feel like there is too much emotion bottled up in me, but when I tried to let it all out, such as in the form of crying, one second I was on the verge of tears, then the next second all emotion subsided and I felt nothing again. It's clear to me that my emotions were suppressed rather than inexistent because in some dreams I experienced very strong happiness, love, anger, grief, something I've never felt in real life. I think this "habit" has seriously hindered my ability to feel things, like enjoying a good movie or being saddened by tragic news, which made me indifferent and bored in life. I also find it hard to let go of or accept something bad that happened because there's no emotion for me to process. Any advice on how to be more open and honest to myself is appreciated.

 

[Michael Balog]

I am exactly the same way you are I found meditation or mindfulness worked for me but since I stopped doing them it has gone back to not being able to feel again.

 

[Aspychata]

Since puberty I've been blocking my emotions so constantly that it has become a habit that I can't even "unblock". For example, when I saw people living in horrible condition on the news, I simply chose not to feel sympathetic or sad, or in a worse case, when I watched a funny video alone, I found myself unconsciously resisting to smile/laugh, as if I wasn't allowed to. I feel like there is too much emotion bottled up in me, but when I tried to let it all out, such as in the form of crying, one second I was on the verge of tears, then the next second all emotion subsided and I felt nothing again. It's clear to me that my emotions were suppressed rather than inexistent because in some dreams I experienced very strong happiness, love, anger, grief, something I've never felt in real life. I think this "habit" has seriously hindered my ability to feel things, like enjoying a good movie or being saddened by tragic news, which made me indifferent and bored in life. I also find it hard to let go of or accept something bad that happened because there's no emotion for me to process. Any advice on how to be more open and honest to myself is appreciated.

When l block it's because l don't want to deal with the aftermath of feeling everything. It's tiring to aknowlege all of our emotions. Then some emotions bring up other emotions that bring up thoughts that you have kept buried for so long. Sometimes by not feeling emotions, we feel like we are protecting ourselves somehow. Like if l don't feel this hurt, THEN they can't hurt me. Like maybe we have zero tolerance for any more hurt.

When l left my Ex, it took about a year before l allowed myself to be happy. Anytime l was happy, he would do anything he could to make it go away. I actually had to give myself permission to feel happiness. Without thinking he was going to crush it.

Sometimes depression can numb us to feeling emotions. Are you consciously not feeling anything? Is there a lot of pain that you are trying to deal with but just can't go down that alley? Is there something that you are not working thru so you have just turned off your emotional sensor?

 

[risootser]

I think I'm subconsciously emotional.. a lot. I have emotions running constantly but I really keep tight watch on my feelings. I never let feeling take over. My sister said that I never talk about feelings and I suppose she is one of those kind of people who likes to discuss about those issues. It is like I can be emotional and make emotion based decisions for the YOLO or the sheer inner pressure at times but then when it comes to talking about what I should find valuable I shut down. It is easier to live for others than for myself even if I do not really practice that much both.
Difference Between Feelings and Emotions | Compare the Difference Between Similar Terms


So to summarize this. I do not bottle up emotions and I'm open with emotions. I do not need to release emotions connected to feeling. I think if I could bottle my emotions I might find something that keeps me going. I'm quite amazed how people have so little nihilistic thought patterns compared to mine. I think nihilism is the feeling controller #1.

 

[menander]

I like them blocked. I'd like to block them more.

 

[Aspychata]

How does puberty tie into this?

 

[Libecht]

Sometimes depression can numb us to feeling emotions. Are you consciously not feeling anything? Is there a lot of pain that you are trying to deal with but just can't go down that alley? Is there something that you are not working thru so you have just turned off your emotional sensor?

Thanks for the reply. I do sometimes feel numb, like life has no meaning, but I don't think it's anything close to depression. Sometimes I choose to not feel about something in order to not "ruin the mood". I'm also pretty shy so I always suppress emotions in front of strangers. I guess it became a habit, and now I can't simply let down the guard consciously.
There is indeed something that happened to me long ago that caused some pain, grief, and guilt. There were a few times when I recalled that memory and felt terrible, which is why now I always avoid thinking about it. I remember what happened, but I choose not to feel it, to relive it, so I don't have to go through the pain again. It didn't really leave me with any side effects. Sure I kind of locked it up, but it worked well. Recently I tried to resolve it but it's difficult to do so, when I'm afraid of let the feeling out. Even if I wanted to...well like I said, my emotion is usually gone within seconds.

How does puberty tie into this?

I don't know. It was a turning point of my life and it's around the same time when I started shutting off my emotion.

 

[Aspychata]

Had a situation where l expressed it to a psychologist, then went home and had horrible nightmares. Graveyard emotions - it seems like we need to work thru this. Maybe try to look it logically. Like this happened, or l did this, then l felt like this and this. It made feel all these feelings, ashamed, embarrassed, preyed upon, taken advantage of. Now l would never let that happen to me because l am vocal, l would say something. Just an idea. Sometimes feelings seem messy and chaotic to me but l still try to waddle thru them like a duck. Because it comes out in me as a eating disorder, or l try to wine my feelings to numbness but this brings no relief. Repetitive exercise helps me focus on the buried emotions. Some people record their feelings daily in a journal, writing seems to help them express thoughts that otherwise stay buried.

 

[Alexej]

Where does Alexithymia fit into this picture? Not asking to be ornery but it is part of my story.

 

[thejuice]

I dont think we get emotional at the stuff NTs get emotional about.

Also neurologically speaking we have brain pathways for processing emotion that are like an old slow country road whereas an NTs would be like a modern fast paced motorway

That isnt saying we dont have emotions or cant feel things strongly.