Trying to understand...

[WhyMe]

My 55 year old husband was diagnosed with Asperger's 2 years ago. The diagnosis somewhat explains the lying, but the lying continues. He seems regretful when he gets caught, but it doesn't stop. He does try to avoid conflict by lying but can't seem to change this behavior. I'm considering divorce because nothing has changed in 16 years. Therapy is a bunch of word salad to him, and our marriage has suffered terribly. I guess I want to know if this destructive lying will ever stop? Is he capable of stopping it and changing this behavior?

 

[LadyS]

I can only speak from my own experience but I've noticed that lying can sometimes be a defense mechanism in order to protect oneself from further conflict and harsh criticism. I realized this when my asd brother would do it and he later admitted that was the reason why. After years of constantly being yelled at and put on the spot for countless mistakes it almost becomes impulsive/second nature. I do it too, though not often or about big things, just so life can move on without constantly dwelling on what I failure I am at learning from my mistakes.

If I may ask what are the lies about? Big things or small things? What are your reactions to it? Not sure if I can help, but there are much better advice givers here than I.

 

[Gerontius]

Howdy.

Some folks are compulsive liars. Autistic people tend to have 2 different routes on honesty--Honest to a fault, or good at telling "harmless" lies as a maladaptive coping mechanism. The latter is found in people who adapt by conflict avoidance. I used to have things I lied about because I was afraid of the reactions people gave when I told the truth--because a lot of the people I've lived with, I could not be open with. Now that I don't have to live with those folks & therefore don't have to deal with their outbursts, then things are different & I can go back to being uncomfortably honest.

Now: Therapy is frequently "word salad" anyway, even to "normal" people. If you could sit in a chair & make $60 an hour doing little, you would--if you were dishonest. Some therapists are good, and some are crap. Many do not see us as fully human beings.

 

[Tom]

Lying is not a symptom of autism. If there is any difference between people on the spectrum and those who are not, it may be towards less lying, not more.

So I would guess some other dynamic is at play in the relationship and his behavior.

 

[Kalinychta]

What sorts of lies does he tell?

 

[OkRad]

You say nothing has changed in 16 years? Well, if you have not changed in 16 years, either, I would say it's not all his fault at all.

 

[Aspychata]

I kinda get this. My current person helps me stay on track, has a compulsive liar issue which sometimes is tied into being passive, sometimes being bipolar. I now deal with it on a need to know basis. If it's financial, he knows l will call him out or double check.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Lying is not one of our traits. No thing bothers me more than being lied too. A person who is a narcissist tends to be compulsive liar.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

There's an expression within the community,..."Aspie honest". Most of the time we are so direct with our language that it comes off rude. Most of the time we overshare. Most of the time we are unable to hide a lie,...we learn this as children,...we always got caught,...so as adults we tend to be brutally honest. Honest to a fault.

I agree with the others,...lying is NOT a trait of those on the autism spectrum.

 

[Kalinychta]

You say nothing has changed in 16 years? Well, if you have not changed in 16 years, either, I would say it's not all his fault at all.

You’re saying it’s her fault that her husband has regularly lied to her for 16 years and that by sticking with him and trying to understand and get therapy somehow that makes her equally to blame for his lying?

 

[Suzette]

I wonder though what you are referring to as "lies" and "lying".

My mother used to claim I was lying and or, manipulative when I was being flat honest. In hindsight the problem might have been about how she expected me to present myself and communicate with her. But I couldn't express myself as she expected so she was mistrustful of me. Does that make sense?

If your husband is truly lying to you a marital counselor would give better advice than internet strangers.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

A lot of things when it comes to psychology get, conflated, which gives us ASPIE's a bad perception by NT's. one of the reasons I not a big fan of the soft sciences.

 

[Kalinychta]

This actually reminds me of the situation a good friend of mine is in at the moment with her boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend). We had many conversations about what might explain the guy’s bad behavior—such as autism, childhood trauma, an effect of long-term marijuana use, demonic possession (I’m not even kidding), et. al—when finally she realized that she was the only one trying to understand his behavior, the only one willing to work on things, and that he just kept stringing her along with false promises and sweet words so that he could continue to use her. This may be the case with your husband.

Consider this: you are the one on this autism forum trying to understand his behavior. If he were serious about working on his lying, he would be the one on here. I’d say you should definitely put some thought into whether or not you want to waste any more of your life on a liar, and if the answer is no, then you should definitely consider leaving him.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I do not know if this explains anything, but when I felt isolated and had a very negative self-image and constantly felt rejected and hopeless, I lied for several reasons:

• To deflect others inquiries about myself.
• To protect a fragile ego.
• To shore up thoughts that I was valuable without having to put in the hard work to actually change.

Any way you look at it, it failed to help and I eventually had to put in the soul shattering effort to rebuild myself, recognizing the real me, and adapting to a world I always thought as hostile until then. All of that not knowing I was Autistic.

 

[Au Naturel]

My 55 year old husband was diagnosed with Asperger's 2 years ago. The diagnosis somewhat explains the lying, but the lying continues. He seems regretful when he gets caught, but it doesn't stop. He does try to avoid conflict by lying but can't seem to change this behavior. I'm considering divorce because nothing has changed in 16 years. Therapy is a bunch of word salad to him, and our marriage has suffered terribly. I guess I want to know if this destructive lying will ever stop? Is he capable of stopping it and changing this behavior?

All depends on what he is lying about. And why. Defensive lies aren't the same as malicious lies.

 

[Fino]

How did you put up with it for 16 years? I can't put up with things I don't like for even fifteen minutes.

 

[Aspychata]

All depends on what he is lying about. And why. Defensive lies aren't the same as malicious lies.

Yes- a defensive lie is just a lie in sheep's clothing. Lol

 

[WhyMe]

I can only speak from my own experience but I've noticed that lying can sometimes be a defense mechanism in order to protect oneself from further conflict and harsh criticism. I realized this when my asd brother would do it and he later admitted that was the reason why. After years of constantly being yelled at and put on the spot for countless mistakes it almost becomes impulsive/second nature. I do it too, though not often or about big things, just so life can move on without constantly dwelling on what I failure I am at learning from my mistakes.

If I may ask what are the lies about? Big things or small things? What are your reactions to it? Not sure if I can help, but there are much better advice givers here than I.

Thank you so much for replying! His lies range from financial (impulse spending) to smoking (which I've never said anything to him about since I am a light smoker myself) to leaving me out of family functions. He has 3 grown kids from a previous marriage, all of whom have minimal relationships with him (and me). If he doesn't make the effort to see or speak to them, they rarely reach out to him. My husband literally has no friends, he has co-workers, but no one to hang out with except me. I have given up almost everything I believe in to stay with him and work on the horrible communication issues, the trust issues from lying and try to show him support. If anyone has changed in 16 years, it's been me because I'm the one who has sacrificed basic needs in a marriage (trust, comfort, support). If all of these years don't show him my love and support, I dont know what will. My typical reaction to the lies are alot of tears and an incessant line of questioning that continues for days because my brain cannot make sense of the things he does. His reasons never make logical sense, and he agrees. The conflict avoidance seems to be the most reasonable explanation but no matter how I handle the situation, it doesn't change his behavior, so maybe he just doesn't have the ability to connect the words with the actions, I just don't know how to handle this.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I think your husband was misdiagnosed. as more information comes out.

 

[watersprite]

The diagnosis somewhat explains the lying, but the lying continues

This is not only inaccurate in its assumptions but incomplete.

Living with him for as long as you have, do you not know more about him?

2¢:
If you want to handle the lying middle aged husband then maybe talking is not the best way forward: direct and clear action is called for. If he has been lying to you for that long then he is probably lying to the talk therapist too. He has other problems that aren’t yours to handle.