The more I am around NT's, the more I want to hide away and never talk to anyone

[Suzanne]

I just do not get neurotypical reasoning and left feeling utterly frustrated.

I am "accused" of putting emotion into explanations of things. So, if I am describing what someone said, I reinact how they said it and apparently, this is wrong!

I do not do ambigueous things. So when someone says something and it makes no sense to me, I am the one who gets the looks of incredulous. It has to be explained to me. I give an example.

My sister's daughter is 16, but has been in a care establishment since 14. Tons of ridiculous things have occured, to the extent that she is not trusted by my sister. My husband and I are going away next month, for two weeks, to tour around europe ( easy, since we live in France). My husband suggests it would be a wonderful opportunity for our niece and she likes the idea and is going to ask her social worker.

Forgetting the format, I ask permission off my sister, but I get a message to say that she does not feel comfortable with her daughter being so far away and reiterated it several times, that it has nothing to do with us. But in my logic, I am thinking: but she will be in our care; we would be meeting her at the ferry and dropping her back off, so surely, it has to do with not trusting us to take care of our niece?

I honestly thought it was strange and got my husband to read it and immediately he said: yes, it makes sense. How? I ask. He thinks I am being too sensitive, but it is more frustration that it is without logic! Eventually he said: well, think of it is this way. She could be being delicate with us, but really means she does not trust us or she is worried that her daughter will play up and cause us issues and even she could run away! I get that very much.

So, you see, I need an explanation, but why are NT's so unwilling to help?

In truth, I get scared to open my mouth, because I am sure I am going to get pounced on for saying the wrong thing!

 

[Judge]

For what it's worth, I don't get much sense of the divide between Neurodiverse and Neurotypical here.

Only that your sister trusts her own daughter less, even if she is in the care, custody and control of you and your husband on holiday. There may also be some issues between your sister and the care facility she resides in that you are not aware of- by design. After all, your sister as a parent and sibling isn't obligated to share 100% of your niece's actual issues with you.

You may see it as kind of a slight, but you have to respect their privacy in this regard. You're looking too hard into this neurologically rather than just seeing things as they were presented to you. That the simplest explanation is the most plausible one. That she doesn't trust her own child. That it has little or nothing to do with you or your husband. And that yes, there may be additional things she elected not to tell you about your niece for whatever reasons.

You've posted many things before which I could understand internalizing. This just isn't one of them, IMO.

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

So, you see, I need an explanation

Well it is quite a big asking to take a 16yr old around Europe with you unless she's already done it with people less close to the family than you (then perhaps you can assume it's a trust thing). If not then I can see where your sister is coming from and do not believe it is personal. It may just be one of those things where (at her age) her mum would only entrust it to herself or the father to take her around Europe. Perhaps having never done it before she doesn't know what to expect and thus doesn't wanna chance it. It was a nice gesture on your part though.

 

[Keigan]

I've found that regardless of my thinking or emotions, that I can respect an individual's "no" for the most part. I'm not a salesman selling them something so I'm not going to try to change their mind.

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

@Judge that's 3 people so far that have all given us both the same karma rating

 

[Warmheart]

I sympathise!

Two thoughts:
1.) There may have been behavioral incidents in the care situation with your niece which have not been disclosed to you, and your sister doesn't trust the girl as well as she'd like.

2.) It might also be that your sister is having an anxious time about the natural separation occurring at this age, especially with your niece having issues/being in care. A trip around Europe might exacerbate your sister's fears. Just saying that her anxiety might be more about herself than you..... and how embarrassing for her to admit she's having a tough time letting go.

My thoughts are that this has little to do with any judgement of you, but rather has to do with your niece or sister.

I'm hoping you can find a sense of lightness, peace, and feel better about this.

 

[Diagnosed2015]

While I understand your frustration because I often find myself trying to explain what I'm trying to say, I'd say in this case, you are misunderstanding (which you must admit, we do often).

The 16-year-old's parents know her better than you do, no matter how you "feel" about the situation. For any number of reasons, her parents don't want her to go. It's NOT necessarily that they don't trust you or your husband to watch her; it could be they don't trust HER to act appropriately, to follow your rules, to not get into trouble.

As an Aspie yourself, you can't always tell when a situation may or may not be (or become) socially dangerous for her, because she is NT and you are not. This doesn't make the situation good or bad for either of you individually, but it leaves question about your reaction to things (far worse than this) that will occur if/when you travel with a 16-year-old who chooses (even if she waits until she's there) to disrespect or disobey you.

After 9/11, I refused to allow my child to visit Washington, DC (a few years later) because the school couldn't guarantee her safety. It had nothing to do with me "not trusting" the people she was going with -- it had to do with the safety of my children, and knowing I'd be happier if she was home with me.

This is a parent/child issue -- not an NT vs Aspie issue; there are no emotions necessary to be decoded. I rarely think emotionally and I agreed with your sister before I finished your post. Even if you are 100% capable of taking care of yourself in a different country, you are NOT capable of dealing with an unsupervised (by parents) minor -- in any country.

Take a deep breath and remind yourself you are going to enjoy the trip -- probably much more now that you don't have the added responsibility -- which would have created far more stress than any of you needed.