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The Circle

It is good to hear that you are feeling a bit better, Kelly.

I know that parents never want to disappoint their children, and never want their children to suffer rejection. However, I think that it is good for children to learn about these things, as painful as it can be. The benefit of doing it when she is young is that it gives you the opportunity to work with her, to teach her how to persevere when she is feeling down, to build her confidence when things go wrong. It is something that my mother tried to teach me, and that I try to teach my nieces and nephews. These are critical skills that she will need throughout her life, and it is good that you are the one to teach them. Just my opinion.
 
Hi all

woke up with ear/headache :( really stressed about my uni course work which I'm doing and deadline is today, which I have done, but the course involves a 3 week online daily participating research project (mouthful) so a hell of a lot of work and some statistics (aaarrrgghhh). Anyway, have felt really agitated and anxious which is being made worse by noise generated by workmen outside which really unnerves/agitates me. Just having a stressful and anxious day :(

Paul
 
Trying to practice just being me...No pretending to be a NT. Went to grocery store, bought one avocado, some meat and a diet drink. Guy rings it up---> Avocado 39.99. I say Whooo those are expensive avocados. He says nothing, does not even look up, corrects price to $0.99. I think fine you big jerk, but say nothing. He bags my stuff says "have a good day" I say "you too" in the most aggressive way I can and leave. Just one NT and one aspie meeting and not communicating; nothing out of the ordinary except I walk out feeling i accomplished my goal. No anxiety, no second guessing no over-thinking.
 
Sounds like this Nt tried to rip you off! Not good. Does your store have those self check-out machines? I use them whenever I have to physically go to the grocery store. It cuts out the annoying step of dealing with people.

Good for you for being yourself. I firmly believe that the only person one can ever successfully be is him/herself. We're doomed to fail at going 'in drag' as NTs. Plus, the stress of keeping up the act is detrimental physically & mentally. I save the NT act for times when it absolutely MUST be done (like when it was parent/teacher night at school). It just became too exhausting & demoralizing. One day I just looked around & saw that everyone else got to be themselves with all their quirks & unique traits...are mine so awful & unacceptable that I have to hide in plain sight like a child molester? No way!
 
No way he was trying to rip me off with only three items costing under $5 total. It was a mistake And yes, I do always go to the auto checkouts, just like you, when they have them. This store is in a working class area. Everything is old but prices are much lower than in the upper middle class area one town over. Avocados are .99 here in Berkeley vs. 1.50 in Elmhurst. I am very comfortable here, I even enjoy the uncertainty of poorer areas. I grew up in working class part of the city so there is some nostalgia too.

I am greatly enjoying learning to be my true aspie self. it is a real release.
 
One day I just looked around & saw that everyone else got to be themselves with all their quirks & unique traits...are mine so awful & unacceptable that I have to hide in plain sight like a child molester? No way!

Nothing is more annoying to me than a NT who babbles on and on saying nothing or repeating the same thing six different ways. I was at church yesterday and I was going to complement the pastor so I am standing there and this NT is doing the nonsense chatterbox thingy.

It is I, she and the pastor and she can see I am waiting to say something but she just babbles and babbles nonstop for way too long. So finally I just broke in and said "nice sermon, I really enjoyed it" then left. She was oblivious, never stopped even while I made my comment. So who is the rude one? Some people! I guess they think if they never take a breath they are entitled to go on forever.
 
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Got a BIG scare earlier this evening. My husband came home & decided to remove the industrial dog carpeting protecting the wood floor from Great Dane destruction. The carpet was held down by double sided tape & required Acetone to remove it. That meant leaving the front door open for the fumes. My pug slipped out the & vanished! My heart almost stopped. Fortunately, she'd slipped around the side of the house & was sitting by the fence leading into the backyard. My heart was pounding like a drum in my chest despite my blank expression. THere have been a series of pugnappings around my area. People let their pugs out into the backyard & evil pugnappers steal them! One woman at the dog park warned me about it & to be extra careful. She was pale & zombie-like, going from person to person. Someone had stolen one of her pugs, Dylan (a black pug) from her yard. The fawn coloured one wasn't found by the thief. These dogs are then sold to others as pets.

I had nightmares for weeks after hearing about this & when Lola wasn't in the house I thought I was going to have a heart attack! Fortunately, we have her in the house. When i take the pug in the yard, the Great Dane comes too: a pugnapper would really have to be nuts to enter the yard with the big dog loose. One of us goes out with them as added insurance. What a scare! I keep going over just to look at her to reassure myself that she's really here.
 
Today has been a semi-normal day. Yesterday I went in to emerge to get my arm Xray'd thinking it was possibly fractured. It's not, just torn/stretched muscles I guess. Also while I was there built up the courage to ask the secretary if the hopsital had any autism spectrum specialists, or a screening/diagnosing program. They do not but the doctor I saw that looked at my Xrays gave me a card to call, apparently they do screening and diagnosing. So I called, and left my number. Hopefully I get a call back soon! Usual limited social interaction with a small group again today, found out one of them may actually be on the spectrum as well, although he appears to have an even more mild form than me. Back home now, so back to checking out new posts on here and feeding my brain with information =3
 
Today, Today was better. I am feeling better from the food poisoning. So that is good. I managed to stay at work my entire shift that is also good in terms of money. However, one of the ladies at work told me that my ex-friend is trying to get her fired and or in really big trouble. It worries me because I try to stay away from her as she is the one that i found out was talking about me behind my back. Second I keep feeling like I am being told off for feeling the way I do about things that happen.
 
I too have started working on being myself more in public. Not my entire flappy self, but some of my less obvious habits and stims I'm letting out of the closet. I can't tell if it's helping me function better by keeping my anxiety at bay or if it's making me more oblivious to my surroundings (in a bad way) because I'm focusing on what I want to be doing instead of (for instance) crossing the parking lot safely or interacting with a cashier.
 
So today...sigh. You know work is hard especially at a grocery store but I generally manage, I have a meltdown every now and then. Well today. One of the lady's whom is older than me that I work with, probably could be my mom she's a bit wonky always singing about Jesus in the bathroom and such gets upset that one of our other CSM's (customer service managers) tells me to tell her (mind she had line full of people) that I need to get her a refund for her .75cent coffee that she had on break that tasted bad now I told her that the CSM told me that she had to do it on her break or when she goes home but she can go back to the deli and get the refund or go to service when she is not on her register. Anyway...long story short I got caught in the middle trying to figure out what she was talking about because I didn't know about the whole coffee thing and her already talking to the other person about this. So I was like what (plus she was yelling about it over her register with ten people in her line) So she misunderstands and tells on me to the MOD. So I told her I don't appreciate that she was being so rude and that i had said it would get taken care of because no one was telling me what was going on and I was trying to understand. So I went to talk to the MOD and ended up having a meltdown crying hysterically that I didn't understand now lucky for me my MOD tonight actually knows I have AS. Most of them don't I like to keep it that way but she has kids and kinda understands me. So she talked me down and realized that her tone to me was part of the trouble. Hard to explain but basically the MOD had snapped at me to just give her the refund right then and I didn't know she wasn't really mad at me she just wanted it taken care of. So yah long story short meltdown but it was fine I was ok I just spent a half our in the pricing office with my MOD trying to relax and playing with my bracelet.

But the good thing out of all of it was that the MOD told me that I can come to her any time I am about to have a meltdown and come sit up in her office or in the pricing office until I can calm down. So that was good. I explained that for what comes naturally them I don't understand and am trying. So even though I am all still a bit shaky and stuff from the meltdown it turned out ok in the end and the cashier whom this involved apologized too.
 
So...Yeah....Just found Out I don't have AS....More like Avoidant Personality Disorder coupled with Cyclothymia(if not full blown Bi-polar) and a General Thought Disorder (possibly ADD)...according to the professional, I've basically got the psychological (as apposed to neurological) equivalent of AS.
 
First off Alpaca, I think you fit in just fine here. Maybe they just don't want to put you in the AS category. I have heard that from other people that they try to avoid neuroligical stuff over things that can with therapy be fixed. Hugs I hope you decide to stick around here though.

Now for me. Last night I was at work. I must be ruminating on it because I can't seem to let it go. I had a customer while at work that I talked to on the phone and when she gets there I tell her the same thing that I told her on the phone she can have a refund for the meat or she can just go grab a new one. Either way was fine. Now I always apologize because in retail that is what you do for customers even if it doesn't make sense to you. So she didn't hear it accused me of not apologzing to her and not doing enough for her when she said she first just wanted a new on I said oh ok well just go grab it and wave at me on your way out. She says to me you're not doing enough for me You need to take care of me and demanded the refund so I gave her the refund told her to have a nice day and she kept standing there so I fianlly ask her What else can I do for you? She says again I am not feeling the love from you is there anyone else to talk to. I said no I was the one she had talked to on the phone and that a this point she was more than welcome to get a new meat as well as take the refund ( I just wanted her to go the hell away at that point). So she continues to use a tone of voice which I don't like and says that she has been shopping here for ....(fill in the blank keeps ranting) then says that I need to talk to the meat dept. about their packaging of the meat. Now this is product that comes prepacked we have nothing to do with it it come from another company. So really if she has a beef with it she needs to talk to the company that actually manufacture it. Anyway she basically told me that I was terrible and that I was not a good customer service person and that I needed to do more for her than I was.....now for me I personally don't see what more I could have done for her. I gave her the options that were allowed. I told her what was available for her choosing what option she wanted. I didn't care what option I just wanted to know what she wanted. So now...I am ruminating on it wondering if I should have done anything else....Plus the meat that she brought back was was warm it had obviously been sitting in her car for a few hours (gross).
 
Alpaca I agree with Arashi you belong here and there is always the chance they got it wrong, if your not happy with your diagnosis get a second opinion but...and here's the way I look at things if you feel your an aspie then so what if a Dr says your wrong, you know yourself better then anyone, so if Asperger's is what feels right to you and helps you understand yourself more then that's all that matters.

Arashi - Big hugs you couldn't have done more for her, she just wanted to complain for the sake of complaining, she was probably having a bad day and needed to take it out on you. I'm sure if you'd have got down on your knees and kissed her butt whilst giving her a cheque for $1000 she'd still moan. If it helps make you smile I found a really cheap dolly bits seller on ebay today....For 1 3 BJD 24 60cm items in mybayer2008's BJD store PinkFantasy store on eBay!

Well I caved in today and agreed to upgrade Kyoko to Silver membership which means she can compete with the performance troupe which means in February she will be on stage here....Her Majesty’s Theatre | The official website for Her Majesty's Theatre, London | Really Useful Group
We get 3 tickets to go and see the show and she will be in the newspaper again(which she is really excited about).
 
@ Alpaca: I'm with Arashi & Kelly on this one. Please feel welcome here regardless of the diagnosis. You're a valued contributor.

@ Arashi, sounds like you did everything you possibly could have done. This customer is one of those impossible to please difficult people. Please don't waste another brain cell on her. There are people like this everywhere & they seem to somehow thrive on being unpleasant & making other people nervous. I hope she decides to shop elsewhere!

@ Kelly: I'm glad you & your husband are being so supportive of Kyoko's dreams. She's lucky to have you.
 
Thanks guys, I really appreciate it. The truth is that they are most likely right. When I'm really depressed for a long time, I feel socially inept. I have a hard time conversational or even getting out of bed. I feel like my IQ drops about 60 points. But then there's the upswing. I'm talky. I can make people laugh. I've had my entire place of employment (venders included) singing along with the radio.

The problem is that it is really hard for me to connect with people on an emotional level. It's like I expect them to abandon me or hurt me, so I "Keep my emotional bags packed" so I can move on easier when it does happen. This is when the self-fulfilling prophecies begin and eventually push people away. My, at times, see-sawing emotions don't always help easier. The roots to this lie in my childhood. Of which, most are believed to be the causes of a plethora of personality disorders.

It also turns out that what I had thought was "my first meltdown" was actually, my first Manic episode. This is where cyclothymia eventually becomes full blown bipolar. It didn't last long. The second one I suffered from mid june until sometime in July is textbook Mania...Of course the trigger was my deep seeded fear of emotional attachment. I tried to force myself into a relationship out of loneliness (this girl was actually pretty awesome and had liked me a lot).

What I did to myself emotionally leading up to it is basically the symptoms description of an APD. Highly critical of myself and every detail of my social encounters. General inferiority complex. Feeling like there is no reason why people would even like me or want to be around me. Self-conscience in every situation etc. and I basically drove my self temporarily insane in the process.
 
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Alpaca I agree with Arashi you belong here and there is always the chance they got it wrong, if your not happy with your diagnosis get a second opinion but...and here's the way I look at things if you feel your an aspie then so what if a Dr says your wrong, you know yourself better then anyone, so if Asperger's is what feels right to you and helps you understand yourself more then that's all that matters.

Arashi - Big hugs you couldn't have done more for her, she just wanted to complain for the sake of complaining, she was probably having a bad day and needed to take it out on you. I'm sure if you'd have got down on your knees and kissed her butt whilst giving her a cheque for $1000 she'd still moan. If it helps make you smile I found a really cheap dolly bits seller on ebay today....For 1 3 BJD 24 60cm items in mybayer2008's BJD store PinkFantasy store on eBay!

Well I caved in today and agreed to upgrade Kyoko to Silver membership which means she can compete with the performance troupe which means in February she will be on stage here....Her Majesty?s Theatre | The official website for Her Majesty's Theatre, London | Really Useful Group
We get 3 tickets to go and see the show and she will be in the newspaper again(which she is really excited about).

Kelly, That is sooo awesome first of all for your daughters debue. I hope it all goes well. I hope school is going better for her now? Or are you still struggling with her being overly stimulated? Hugs.

Yes that did make me feel a bit better the dollie sellers on Ebay are lovely. Angel of Dream is a nice doll. I love ebay my friends have ordered from ebay for me before I find ebay a littler hard for me to shop on. Oh Kelly did you get a change to look at Beyond Wonderland? I got my dika doll body from there that i promptly ended up selling and getting a different body because the body was horrid for the character I wanted. But I digress. I hope you got to see some of my Willow Pictures. I just made my second payment for my layaway I go to renfeast on the 15th of sept. I am soo excited. So very excited. I am still in the midst of commissioning a dress for my doll on layaway. I am actually very excited and worried about how much it might cost. yikes been told it could be up to 180 dollars.

Big breath. I feel fine. I just get overwhelmed and was told that unless my creepy stalker guy customer at work actually does something to me again (cause trapping me against the self check isn't something) then they can throw him out. Otherwise I have to just stay away from him. I am so peeved off about this.
 
THanks for the update re the stalker guy. I'm shocked that the store isn't doing more to support you. Clearly the managers are incompetent when it comes to threat assessment & stalking etc. This man is dangerous. Trapping you, staring, intimidating you & hurting you...These are just the things he's done already. I do hope you are carefully documenting each incident. If he does anything else again, its time for a police report & a restraining order. Guys like this are not people to take casually: their behaviour can escalate rapidly & unpredictably. You deserve to be safe & unmolested in your workplace.
 
THanks for the update re the stalker guy. I'm shocked that the store isn't doing more to support you. Clearly the managers are incompetent when it comes to threat assessment & stalking etc. This man is dangerous. Trapping you, staring, intimidating you & hurting you...These are just the things he's done already. I do hope you are carefully documenting each incident. If he does anything else again, its time for a police report & a restraining order. Guys like this are not people to take casually: their behaviour can escalate rapidly & unpredictably. You deserve to be safe & unmolested in your workplace.
No problem. The issue to them is that he doesn't harm anyone else. He is friendly and kind. I am the only one that he bothers and I tend to stay away from him now. I agree with you. The front end staff all know about it and tend to keep me away from him but there is always the moment when its possible like what happened to get me alone but in front of other people and the cameras. We shall see. I have a customer that is a police officer and she told me to talk to her about it and she might try to do something about it. But thanks all for the concern.
 
@ Kelly: I'm glad you & your husband are being so supportive of Kyoko's dreams. She's lucky to have you.

Thank you! I showed her the theatre yesterday before we left for her street dance class and in the car she said "your the best parents ever and I'm so happy I'm your daughter" she then went on and on about how her friends parents don't let them do anything, don't take them to classes they love or play with them or really talk to them much other then the usual(get dressed, eat your breakfast, be quiet etc).

I find that so sad, we talk to Kyoko all the time about allsorts of things and we've had some very interesting debates / conversations with her. For example last night we had the para - olympics on TV whilst she was getting ready for bed and we ended up talking about various physical disabilities. She couldn't fathom why they were not allowed to compete in the 'normal' olympics and that they were people too so why did they have to be separated. She raised some good points so we went on to explain how they would not be physically matched because a man in a wheelchair playing basketball would have a disadvantage to a man who was capable of walking so they do it so it's fair on everyone.


Kelly, That is sooo awesome first of all for your daughters debue. I hope it all goes well. I hope school is going better for her now? Or are you still struggling with her being overly stimulated? Hugs.

So far school has been a bit mixed, every single morning we have massive tantrums over her clothes irritating her which I can't do much about because she has to wear a uniform, the best I can do is get larger sizes so they don't fit too snug. She has her chewigem and a few fidget toys in her bag to keep her calm, she's used them a few times but not a whole lot, as always it's afterschool when the meltdowns happen.

Thursday she came out of school looking miserable, she practically threw her bag at me and just stood there, so I asked what was wrong, she wouldn't answer. So I went through the usual questions - has someone said/done or not said/not done something? did you fall, was the noise too much? did you eat/touch/smell/feel something that upset you. She just stared into space not answering and began to flap her arms, then she just stopped and screamed at me "I can't believe you don't even know!" folded her arms and started crying. So then we had 10 minutes of trying to figure out what it was before we finally got it out of her, she'd run into one of the other kids, banging her head and she had a red mark on her head, neither of us noticed it because we had sunglasses on(and were standing in the shade of a tree). My husband had to carry her home, she was crying the whole way and wouldn't talk, we went past one of her best friends who shouted hello to her and asked if she was okay but she just turned her head away and wailed even louder.

We got home she calmed down, we played for a bit and then I started talking to her about her day (because I know that the head banging was just the last straw and it would have been several things built up over the day that caused her to lose it like that). Long story short they had a really big spelling test which she found incredibly stressful, couldn't concentrate and then was enraged when the teacher marked one word wrong because she had used a capital, she'd spelt it correctly but had used a capital at the beginning. Of course Kyoko being Kyoko tried to argue the point that she had in fact spelt it right and the capital should make no difference (essentially I agree with her, it was a spelling test not a grammar one) but the teacher just told her off and said it was wrong and that she should know not to use a capital for that word.

She was also really upset over the head banging thing because it was one of her old friends who she doesn't really play with anymore (they grew apart) and she didn't say sorry. So then I had to explain that the girl didn't bump into her on purpose, wasn't being mean and was either in a rush or was just a bit rude and that's why she dind't say sorry there was no other motive behind it.

Then one of her male friends said something mean to her that made her upset and she had to chew on her chewigem to calm down, the 'nasty thing' he'd said was that her portrait of one of their classmates wasn't very good. Again I had to explain that he still liked her, still wanted to be her friend, that he wasn't being as horrendously offensive as she thought and that it was just a silly little remark that didn't mean anything to him and that her drawing was probably very good and maybe he was just a little jealous or something.

Then she had to stay in class late at lunch to finish her work and was late getting to lunch which made her miss alot of playtime. She also had a run in with her best friend at afternoon play, they were playing chess and Kyoko took one of her pawns, her friend got really annoyed so Kyoko said she'd make it up to her. Then we had 10 minutes of her begging me to buy a pineapple flavour lip balm that her friend really wants and that her friend said she would not be her friend anymore unless she got it...this really annoyed me because that is blackmail and I suffered alot of blackmail at her age because I so desperately wanted friends and ended up doing silly things to gain and / or keep 'friends'. I explained to her that this friend does not sound like much of a friend if she is saying stuff like that, Kyoko disagreed and said it was her own fault because she promised she would make it up to her and she can't break a promise. This sort of thing is happening more frequently, she gets taken advantage of or feels pressured to do things and she never sees that it's the other person who is in the wrong / taking advantage of her nice nature.

We've had lots of other incidents but Thursday was the big one (she also had a massive meltdown on Tuesday) she's only been back for 4 days, I'm dreading next week particularly Tuesday because e don't have time to play on that day because it's home, eat, off to dance class, bed when she gets home and if she doesn't get to play monster high she loses it big time. I think I'll let her stay up 30 mins later on a Tuesday just so we can squeeze in 20 or so minutes of playing monster high, otherwise it will be meltdown Tuesday every single week.

Oh what kind of dress are you having made? I've seen a really cute pink lolita dress but I have absolutely no cash to spend on myself right now, it's all going on Kyoko and then I have our anniversary then my husband's birthday, no treats for me until next year now.

I can't believe your work place are not doing more to stop this guy, could they not at least say to him next time he's in if he continues to bother you then he will be banned from the store? It might be enough to keep him from doing the creepy stuff anymore, he might stare at you or something but it might scare him enough so that he just get son with shopping and leaves promptly.
 

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