Struggling to accept being a loner

[rainbowdragon]

I have been talking a lot with my therapist about socializing. We role-played and practiced body language, and he told me to get out there more, etc, but nothing was really working. It's been just the same struggle and my luck hasn't changed in trying these new techniques. I have been coming to the conclusion that this is not the right approach to my problem. I feel like I have spent so much time trying to make friends my whole life that I never really got the chance to define / find myself. I've been doing more and more art projects lately and I think this has helped build my esteems and express myself. I think I am going to have to just learn to accept that I have no friends and be at peace with myself and my situation. This will give me time to continue to shape myself and get my stuff together, and then, if there are any people out there who can be my friends, then through my art and my more fully-expressed self, those people will be drawn to me and I will naturally put myself in the right kinds of situations to give me such opportunity. I have always felt that people don't understand me; that nobody, not even myself to a degree, truly understands me. Art is the expression of the inner, unadulterated self; the soul, so since I can't express that self through my words and my awkward behaviors, then perhaps I can express it through art.

 

[LittlePuff]

If you're fine with it now, don't worry about it. Maybe go to a club or meet that specializes in your interests. You might make a friend or two that way. Sounds like you're ok with it for now. It doesn't have to be permanent, just what works for you in the present.

 

[Pella]

I would say don't deny yourself potential new friends if you come accross them, but in my experience trying to be social when it feels uncomfortable, is kind of like denying who you are, and when you can't be yourself, the friends you make probably aren't going to be the right friends for you anyway. I say just work on yourself, things that make you happy, if an opportunity comes up that really sound like you, like a club, or you run into someone while pursuing your interest, maybe while buying art supplies or something. When you are talking about something you love, it may feel a bit more natural, may feel totally natural, but if you get absorbed into that thing that you love, it may not seem so awkward. Also when it comes to artists, they can be a bit quirky themselves, so they might be a bit more accepting, not all of course. With me, I am finding I just want to be my own best friend right now, anyone else can apply for the job if they want, but I am not gonna worry too much about it.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

the number of people in this world that think on an aspie level is small. The chances you will run into these people and form a friendship is probably smaller. Its hard to make yourself something else to make a friend. But you can have true friends. There are people in this world that love the honesty and dry humor that aspie's bring to the table in a friendship. They will love the way you see the world different.

I find if your looking too hard you usually miss the thing your looking for. I gave up on love for instance. A month later me and my husband were official and I have never looked back. Sometimes you have to give up to see the bigger picture and to let go of the negatives that are really holding you back so you can find what you need.

 

[Mike_GX1]

Some antonyms to 'sociable' are:

Aproachable, clubbable, companionable, extroverted, friendly, gregarious, hospitable, neighbourly, outgoing, social, warm and welcoming.


Force any of these through sheer desperation not to be a loner and you will not be relaxed enough to make them work and your efforts will be for nothing.

Relax and be who you are; if it doesn't feel right then it probably isn't. Ignore the offensive 'loner' comments people cut at you - they do you no good.

When you are truly comfortable with being *you*, you will be relaxed and in your element. And when people are relaxed and in their elements they are naturally more approachable and people are naturally drawn to that.

 

[rainbowdragon]

If you're fine with it now, don't worry about it. Maybe go to a club or meet that specializes in your interests. You might make a friend or two that way. Sounds like you're ok with it for now. It doesn't have to be permanent, just what works for you in the present.

I'm half okay with it. The strange thing- I really want friends, but I don't know how much I actually enjoy socializing.. maybe in small portions. I go all sorts of places. I don't really know if I will ever meet anyone.

 

[rainbowdragon]

Some antonyms to 'sociable' are:

Aproachable, clubbable, companionable, extroverted, friendly, gregarious, hospitable, neighbourly, outgoing, social, warm and welcoming.


Force any of these through sheer desperation not to be a loner and you will not be relaxed enough to make them work and your efforts will be for nothing.

Relax and be who you are; if it doesn't feel right then it probably isn't. Ignore the offensive 'loner' comments people cut at you - they do you no good.

When you are truly comfortable with being *you*, you will be relaxed and in your element. And when people are relaxed and in their elements they are naturally more approachable and people are naturally drawn to that.

I don't know about this. It seems the times when I am relaxed is when I put people off. I often meet people, exchange numbers, sometimes kick it with them once, twice, maybe even a bunch of times, but it never sticks. Either they are not nice people or they end up not liking me for whatever reason. I am not sure I even have an element. I never feel like I belong anywhere at all, only if I am alone in my room... and that's when I'm not thinking about my misfitting in this family. Also, I have learned recently that my body language is all wonky. Even when I am relaxed, I have strange body language and I twitch sometimes, especially when I am sitting still for a while (which is what people seem to like to do when they hang out). Maybe I'm being negative, but I really just think I'm being logical, when I say that any solution I hear just doesn't sound like it's going to work for me.

Anyways, thanks. It is good advice and it's pretty much what I am trying to do, but I mean, just waiting for someone to find me- that's what I have done for so many years in the past and noone really talked to me at all. Then, I started trying to actively seek out friends, and I've only made really bad ones. I guess that is what I was saying about the art thing. I need to better understand who I am and what I want and develop my self more. I think maybe I don't know myself and thus can't be myself, which is why I am not attracting the right people for my self.... if that makes sense. I guess I am just in the middle of a transition and therefore a waiting stage or a stage of seemingly little activity.

 

[rainbowdragon]

the number of people in this world that think on an aspie level is small. The chances you will run into these people and form a friendship is probably smaller. Its hard to make yourself something else to make a friend. But you can have true friends. There are people in this world that love the honesty and dry humor that aspie's bring to the table in a friendship. They will love the way you see the world different.

I find if your looking too hard you usually miss the thing your looking for. I gave up on love for instance. A month later me and my husband were official and I have never looked back. Sometimes you have to give up to see the bigger picture and to let go of the negatives that are really holding you back so you can find what you need.

Yeah, I know what you mean. I have been wondering if maybe a reason I am not making friends is because I have to learn to accept not having friends first, like maybe this is a lesson I have to learn in life in order to move forward. It's hard to even really accept the idea, but maybe that's the point. I don't know.

 

[rainbowdragon]

I would say don't deny yourself potential new friends if you come accross them, but in my experience trying to be social when it feels uncomfortable, is kind of like denying who you are, and when you can't be yourself, the friends you make probably aren't going to be the right friends for you anyway. I say just work on yourself, things that make you happy, if an opportunity comes up that really sound like you, like a club, or you run into someone while pursuing your interest, maybe while buying art supplies or something. When you are talking about something you love, it may feel a bit more natural, may feel totally natural, but if you get absorbed into that thing that you love, it may not seem so awkward. Also when it comes to artists, they can be a bit quirky themselves, so they might be a bit more accepting, not all of course. With me, I am finding I just want to be my own best friend right now, anyone else can apply for the job if they want, but I am not gonna worry too much about it.

The problem is that I keep feeling like I am starting to become part of a group or really become friends with someone and then they just screw me over. It is hard for me to know people's intentions, probably because I am the type who just really wants to give people the benefit of the doubt and see the best in them. I just am not sure how to get past that. Anyways, I like what you said.

 

[wyverary]

There are people in this world that love the honesty and dry humor that aspie's bring to the table in a friendship. They will love the way you see the world different.

This is absolutely true. They are rare, and it can take a great deal of luck, but such people are out there, and, for me, they make the best friends anybody could ask for. Don't give up hope just yet.

 

[Animal_Girl]

I have a terrible time socializing with most of the population, but I do okay within certain groups. I just had to find out which ones work for me. For instance, I'm terrible at socializing with the other waiters at work who enjoy going out to bars and partying after work, but I get along great in my Dungeons and Dragons groups. It definitely took a few years, but I have found people with whom I fit and who like me the way I am.

 

[Galaxy Freeze]

I know how you feel...I, too, am an artist, and I've been feeling very insecure lately. I have a small group of friends...but they're way too serious, and they usually ignore me, perhaps it's because I monologue too much...well, it's not pleasant to be around them, we are more distant from each other now. I have tried to be friends with different people, but it seems I always lose them somewhere along the way. They either move away, find new friends, get into drugs, etc... I don't really care anymore, I like being alone most of the time (like at home), it's much more unpleasant at school, but at least I'll be able to work on my passions (drawing and writing scripts for my animation). I'm kind of used to being the odd one out, but hopefully I can find someone who really understands me. Just gotta hang in there, I guess...

 

[Undiagnosed]

I am sort of where u r Rainbow. I am 44 years old and for the passt several years I have been trying to "act" as I feeel inside instead of the way I think appears "normal". And for me that means accepting being a loner. I have not so much tried different things to make friends as I have tried to do whatever I needed to appear normal most of my life. I have alowed myslef to be a loner for a while and to accpet that that is ok for me. I have thought about it and determined that the thought of really haveing friends is sort of stressfull to me. I mean the thought of someone stoping by is like a feelling of my space being invaded. And socializeing is sort of uncomfortable and exausting to me. And if I had friends they would probably want me to do things that involve socializeing. I like to be home alone and do art type things... Always have. When I was a kid liveing at home with my family I liked to be in my room alone with the door closed doing some type of art or crreaative project. I have to accept that is me. You say you are half ok with it. I am kinda that way too but not sure if that's something in me left from liveing in a world for 44 years that says I am not normal if I don't have friends, or if it is realy something in me. I also agree that itis true with anything.... u have to let it go before you can have it. I really think I'm ok with it now.