Gekko2508
Active Member
[Takes a deep breath]
Alright, this is going to be tough for me. It has nothing to do with the community, but I don't like sharing my weaknesses with people I don't know. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for sticking with me through this.
At the age of five, I was diagnosed with PDD-NOS. My parents were extremely supportive and taught me the subtleties of humour, not to push people off slides for my own amusement, and to thank the baker for giving me a free cookie whenever we bought our bread there.
They also enrolled me in a course to teach me basic social skills sometime around the age of ten. There I learned to hide certain behaviours, replace habits, etc, etc. I learned through the course, after having gone through it, that I was blessed with the more social strain of PDD-NOS. I'm intrigued in others, in copying behaviour, pleasing others, and basically becoming "A Proper Human". I didn't want to be labelled autistic. I have since been able to disguise my autism to seem non-existant to those that don't know me too well.
That does not mean I do not struggle with myself. Oh no.
I suffer from seemingly silly problems such as fears for arriving late, butterflies and detector gates, to having more serious issues. I bottle my emotions up, because I do not understand them, large crowds of people make me anxious, making phone calls is so much more than a chore, and I have a genuinely crippling form of perfectionism. I also have more positive, neutral, and negative traits from PDD that are irrelevant to this case in particular. I am now finding it's all piling up.
You see, when I was 15 (that's seven - eight years ago, now) my father fulfilled his nigh-lifelong dream of landing a job in New Zealand. He was going to take the whole direct family with him to share in his dream. The biggest issue here is that we had to move from almost literally the other side of the world to make this happen. We moved from The Netherlands; or Holland. The barriers to cross were not only geological, however, but also cultural and linguistical. I was aware of this, which led me to my most pressing problem:
Ever since I heard the news that we were going to move to New Zealand, I have felt numb.
The exact state of mind is hard to describe, but I'll try my best. I vividly remember being able to reason, think, affect flows of thought, improve and learn. I felt like I was me. Now I feel like I view my life as if watching Gekko perform an act in a series on TV. I can have my thoughts about what Gekko is doing on set, but I cannot affect Gekko parading around (much). I have turned from the hero of my own story, to being a non-player character. As if my vessel/body is controlled by another entity, and I'm just along for the ride in the back of the brain.
I am still struggling with this shock after seven years. I have gotten married, but am unemployed, unable to find work, and not enjoying my life as much as I would want to.
I now live in Sweden, and am a "ghost" to society. The story of becoming this is also a long one, but it boils down to being unable to get any bureaucratic or governmential help. And as such, I am unable to get professional mental help. I have no friends here except my husband, due to my lack of confidence in speaking Swedish, my husband not being a people-person, and the rest of Sweden sharing that sentiment.
I cannot stick to hobbies, videogames, learning, strict schedules or even keeping a diary since I forget or get bored. I sleep too much if I get the chance (bless alarm functions, am I right?), I forget a lot and am generally unhappy. Which spirals me into guilt for feeling unhappy while being with my soulmate and keeping said unhappiness to myself.
I feel myself sink further and further away into self-loathing, isolation, and getting more resistant to doing things. I would like to make sure I can live, not barely survive. I would like to enjoy life, feel, and think proper thoughts again, however I feel that I'm unable to make changes to my mind due to my crippling perfection and inability to tinker on my mindset.
Any anecdotes, stories and articles are welcome! I embrace knowledge of all sorts, so even your opinion is greatly appreciated.
Most of all, I'd like to thank you again for reading this. Even if you don't reply immediately, that's fine! I'm probably going to stay off the forum for a couple of days, too, writing this has been terrifying. Relieving, but terrifying.
May you have an enjoyable day!
Alright, this is going to be tough for me. It has nothing to do with the community, but I don't like sharing my weaknesses with people I don't know. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for sticking with me through this.
At the age of five, I was diagnosed with PDD-NOS. My parents were extremely supportive and taught me the subtleties of humour, not to push people off slides for my own amusement, and to thank the baker for giving me a free cookie whenever we bought our bread there.
They also enrolled me in a course to teach me basic social skills sometime around the age of ten. There I learned to hide certain behaviours, replace habits, etc, etc. I learned through the course, after having gone through it, that I was blessed with the more social strain of PDD-NOS. I'm intrigued in others, in copying behaviour, pleasing others, and basically becoming "A Proper Human". I didn't want to be labelled autistic. I have since been able to disguise my autism to seem non-existant to those that don't know me too well.
That does not mean I do not struggle with myself. Oh no.
I suffer from seemingly silly problems such as fears for arriving late, butterflies and detector gates, to having more serious issues. I bottle my emotions up, because I do not understand them, large crowds of people make me anxious, making phone calls is so much more than a chore, and I have a genuinely crippling form of perfectionism. I also have more positive, neutral, and negative traits from PDD that are irrelevant to this case in particular. I am now finding it's all piling up.
You see, when I was 15 (that's seven - eight years ago, now) my father fulfilled his nigh-lifelong dream of landing a job in New Zealand. He was going to take the whole direct family with him to share in his dream. The biggest issue here is that we had to move from almost literally the other side of the world to make this happen. We moved from The Netherlands; or Holland. The barriers to cross were not only geological, however, but also cultural and linguistical. I was aware of this, which led me to my most pressing problem:
Ever since I heard the news that we were going to move to New Zealand, I have felt numb.
The exact state of mind is hard to describe, but I'll try my best. I vividly remember being able to reason, think, affect flows of thought, improve and learn. I felt like I was me. Now I feel like I view my life as if watching Gekko perform an act in a series on TV. I can have my thoughts about what Gekko is doing on set, but I cannot affect Gekko parading around (much). I have turned from the hero of my own story, to being a non-player character. As if my vessel/body is controlled by another entity, and I'm just along for the ride in the back of the brain.
I am still struggling with this shock after seven years. I have gotten married, but am unemployed, unable to find work, and not enjoying my life as much as I would want to.
I now live in Sweden, and am a "ghost" to society. The story of becoming this is also a long one, but it boils down to being unable to get any bureaucratic or governmential help. And as such, I am unable to get professional mental help. I have no friends here except my husband, due to my lack of confidence in speaking Swedish, my husband not being a people-person, and the rest of Sweden sharing that sentiment.
I cannot stick to hobbies, videogames, learning, strict schedules or even keeping a diary since I forget or get bored. I sleep too much if I get the chance (bless alarm functions, am I right?), I forget a lot and am generally unhappy. Which spirals me into guilt for feeling unhappy while being with my soulmate and keeping said unhappiness to myself.
I feel myself sink further and further away into self-loathing, isolation, and getting more resistant to doing things. I would like to make sure I can live, not barely survive. I would like to enjoy life, feel, and think proper thoughts again, however I feel that I'm unable to make changes to my mind due to my crippling perfection and inability to tinker on my mindset.
Any anecdotes, stories and articles are welcome! I embrace knowledge of all sorts, so even your opinion is greatly appreciated.
Most of all, I'd like to thank you again for reading this. Even if you don't reply immediately, that's fine! I'm probably going to stay off the forum for a couple of days, too, writing this has been terrifying. Relieving, but terrifying.
May you have an enjoyable day!
