Sensitivity/Poor self-esteem?

[BlueConundrum]

I was severely bullied as a child and separately from that I grew up in an abusive household. I've had self-esteem issues for as long as I remember. I remember praying at age 4 that I would wake up a different person. I've always hated myself.

I am very sensitive to criticism as a result. I'm not sensitive to all criticism, but if someone points out something and I disagree, it's VERY upsetting. I suppose it's because my brain constantly recites all the ways that I'm terrible all day, every day, so it's unnerving when someone gives me a new "wrong" thing to think about. If they are nice or at least make a good point, then it's generally okay, but often people are just rude. On these occasions, I fall into a horrible pit of despair and take forever to recover.

Tonight someone was very rude to me in a way that was not constructive and uncalled for. I know I'm not imagining it because two other people witnessed this and were aghast and they both actually said something about it (I did NOT say anything, but I should have).

A few months ago, someone else implied that I was boring them while I was telling a (short!) story while socializing with a group. This person always wants to be the center of attention and they talk way too much, and I think they were annoyed that I had spent 30-60 seconds talking. She literally laughed at me and threw a paper airplane at my face and I was telling a serious story and not joking around. I worry a lot about boring people, so even though I knew she was rude, I cried about this for days and completely stopped talking to anyone in that social group.

So, back to tonight -- I don't want to get into it, but someone did something that made me feel similar. I assume that something about me reads as subhuman because so many people think it's okay to be disrespectful to me for no discernible reason. I have become very reclusive over the past couple of years and I have ditched all of my friends. I made a conscious decision to interact with people more. This is my second time out and now I don't want to bother anymore.

I was diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder six years ago, and that disorder is part of my problem.

Do other people experience these frequent bouts of rudeness? How do you react (both literally and emotionally)?

 

[Suzanne]

Oh heck! Are you me in disguise lol

You describe so well why it crushes us when we are criticized!

I got just the other day! Ah so that is why you talk non stop and further said: when you were talking, I wondered if you would ever stop and thought: wow she talks a lot! Actually, I was answering her questions, but kept getting interrupted and thus, would have to get back to it, as guess what? She said to continue. At first, when she revealed what she really thought about me, it crushed me and I felt embarrassed for being so rude to go on and on, but after reflecting on it, I see now that actually, she is the RUDE one! I mean: when I said I have aspergers, it was like a light went on in her head and said: ah that explains it and yes, my daughter is a teacher and a little boy has aspergers and he does what you do! I was so tempted to say: ah so that explains why one of your eyes goes in another direction, because you have MS? I didn't though, for that would have been unkind of me, even if it was, to a certain extent, justified.

Funny how we have the problem and every one else is normal, eh?

Is it a wonder that we keep quiet more often, because each time we talk, we get slammed for it and yet, others can talk and talk and talk and no one says a thing!!!

I am now 45 and my self esteem has improved dramatically, but there are still occasions that crop up where it hits hard!

I was criticized openly, after I did a talk ( I am one of Jehovah's Witnesses). I was told my talk was excellent but then he said: just one minor criticism: you read the scripture too fast and did not give others time to find it in their bibles. Now funny enough, I did not feel crushed because I AGREED with him and yet, lol he apologised to me after and said that he had worded incorrectly and felt really bad and said that he shouldn't have done that in public, but I happily reassured him that I did not take offense and next time I will use my bible rather than have it on my tablet.

Who loves "constructive criticism" when it is given in a harsh way?

Yes, we do seem to have this aura that gives others permission to push us down! I have often wondered this myself!

 

[Progster]

I don't find that people are rude to me very often... or perhaps, they are being subtle about it and I'm not picking up on it, idk. I rarely get feedback from others, except from my family, adn I don't see them too often these days. I'm not perfect and I know I have some faults, and if someone points them out to me, I just say "I know" and don't find it offensive because the criticism is fair. I react very strongly if someone points out a fault I wasn't aware of, because it's a shock, or even worse, if someone criticises me me unfairly. I have a very strong sense of justice.

 

[DarkLady]

I have very low self esteem

 

[Aspieistj]

Absolutely NOBODY needs to make an effort to be mean to me because I already HATE myself. I avoid people as much as possible so I don't have to process everything I say in the hope that it won't come out Aspie. I find it impossible to understand anyone who is proud to be on the spectrum; it is a terrible curse!

 

[gonz]

I was severely bullied as a child and separately from that I grew up in an abusive household. I've had self-esteem issues for as long as I remember... I've always hated myself...

I suppose it's because my brain constantly recites all the ways that I'm terrible all day, every day, so it's unnerving when someone gives me a new "wrong" thing to think about. If they are nice or at least make a good point, then it's generally okay, but often people are just rude. On these occasions, I fall into a horrible pit of despair and take forever to recover...

I have become very reclusive over the past couple of years and I have ditched all of my friends...

I could have written exactly this about myself, it's so similar to what I'm dealing with.

I assume that something about me reads as subhuman because so many people think it's okay to be disrespectful to me for no discernible reason.

This gets to me. No matter how many social rules I memorize and follow, no matter how polite and courteous I train myself to be, no matter whether I try to be warm and friendly or quiet and unobtrusive, people can still tell that there is something off about me. And when dealing with someone they see as "other" or as "them" rather than "us," all pretense of civility goes right out the window. We become acceptable targets for whatever sort of ugliness they carry around inside of them, from rudeness and disrespect to the worst kinds of abuse. And it is always always always our fault, there is apparently no punishment adequate for the crime of being different.

 

[Beverly]

In general, people are jerks, not intentionally but most people think of themselves first and, most people want instant gratification so, they act in self serving ways and, that makes the rude to us sensitive types.

Sure I can throw up the façade and appear unfazed by it all but yeah, it's hard to deal with internally. I'm an expert at smiling at rude people and, acting as if they don't bother me in the least - until I get someplace private and can rant to a tree or the mirror about how much people suck at knowing how to be considerate of others.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

I have recently realized just how much I hurt myself at work, when what looks like diligence turns out to be my ritual for self defense and invisibility. Make no mistakes.

My anxiety is like a big black hole that eats everything, retains the bad, treats good feedback as temporary. Or worse, false; "if you really knew me, you wouldn't say that."

I too remember having issues when I was 4.

All that has ever helped is the intervention of friends and obsessions. The first do not see what I see when I see myself. The second make me forget myself entirely.

 

[BlueConundrum]

Thanks for the responses. I have no idea what to do now. The rude person was part of a group I was planning to meet with every other week to work on writing. The first time I went everyone was lovely and I had a great time. The second time I went, this woman (who is a regular but wasn't there the first time I went) just started insulting me in front of everyone. Now I don't want to go because she humiliated me and I just don't want to hang around her for two hours twice a month. I'm never going to be comfortable with her around.

 

[BlueConundrum]

It used to happen to me quite often Blue, in fact it happened consistently for some time. My elder sister and her friend's used to do it. As well as some peers, its only many years later that I've realized that they felt threatened by me. Either by my intellect, the way I looked, or my behavior.

Suppose that one will never really know what sets people off who feel threatened by someone else, you might look like or remind them of someone, I've found over years, that direct confrontation works best. A well-placed swear word right in their ear will shock them usually, although I have only done that once, but it worked. A threat will also work, in front of everyone. I'm afraid that I once broke the nose of someone who tormented my younger sister for some time(who barely speaks) and who attempted to torment me. Sometimes bullies have to be dealt with in the crudest possible way.

I suppose I became tired of being treated that way, usually by women. So I began over time to react. This helped a little:
http://www.lightshouse.org/try-someone-else.html#axzz1touyPcmJ although its related to other difficulties, its maxims have the same effect in the way of changing a mindset.

Thank you for that link, Mia! That is really helpful. I'd never been to that site, but I definitely do a lot of things out of misguided "politeness" and I can see how bullies would zero in on that. Of course AFTER it happened, I thought of responses. I honestly just froze and stammered, like I always do. Even if she is nice next time I think I should make it clear that she was out of line and is not allowed to speak to me like that, and she'd be better off ignoring me entirely as that is how I will treat her.

 

[BlueConundrum]

Even when people aren't being rude, I have trouble thinking quickly in normal conversation. That is why my experiences in retail and customer service were such failures. I can handle basic interactions, but once something goes off of my internal "script" I just stammer. I had a couple of problems in customer service where I wouldn't even be thinking anything bad about the customer, but they would get upset with me and I would panic a bit and say something wrong or my tone would be off. Or I would choose not to say anything and I would just sit there and be weird because I could think of nothing worth saying. That's just how I react when I encounter something unexpected or unfriendly in conversation.

This rude lady triggered that response.

I wrote to the group leader and told her that I wouldn't be returning. I'm ruminating and I've been obsessing about this one interaction for three days, and I don't need this in my life.

 

[metalminx24]

Ladies, exactly that! My processing time means I can never think of ripostes at the time, and just look like a mumbling wally. I am also pretty blunt and direct, it seems even when I'm making a concerted effort not to be. It's nice to know it's not just me, thank you [emoji170]

 

[metalminx24]

And don't let one nasty person stop you from doing what you want. Is there another person in the group you could approach about it, someone who could stick up for you? Or the next time Mrs Gobbychops is being a moose, just tell her to bugger off!! (Easier said than done I know but immensely satisfying) good luck

 

[BlueConundrum]

I wrote to the group leader who told me that she is sorry about what happened and how she does not condone that sort of behavior. She did actually call the rude woman out at the time, which was very nice of her and I do appreciate it, but it didn't help because the woman continued being rude and she defended her rudeness. Then the two of them started arguing about it, which made me feel even worse. It was bad enough that this woman humiliated me, but then the humiliation was prolonged because the argument was about me to an extent and I felt like a spectacle. I should have left, but I didn't, I guess because I froze. So, she wrote me and said I should tell her off. Honestly, I would look foolish, and I would probably look like I'm holding a silly grudge. I just don't want to talk to her ever again and I would like to tell her not to talk to me.

 

[ChrisC1983]

this sounds a very lot like me, but nobody else notices because i hide it very well. i used to pray about waking up and being somebody else.. to this day when i go to bed the same way but now i pray i could live in any number of imaginary worlds i've wished i've had as lives.. even with all their own problems so none of them were magical perfect world. they were all realistically possible worlds based on changes of events that could have happened
now, why do i say that? i swear i'm not trying to just talk about me.. i can hide that so well because, what i just said was.. my ego is so big that i feel every thing that has happened in my life to me was "wrong" and if it had changed my world would have been better. there's no way to prove that theory wrong.. so, apply it to life. when i see somebody elses life and i say to myself "watch they're going to fight" and then they fight... well, now i'm right so it's a big ego boost. apply that to everything from somebody messing up a coffee or traffic conditions at odd times or where an accident will happen wor who will dump who.. and if you're right about most of those.. you'll have a huge ego
then.. with the huge ego, you can balance out that severe depression to atleast it appears that you're "normal". however i can say it doesn't actually solve any of the depression because you're always "right" about bad stuff. i only hope you're younger than me (i'm almost 32) so you got some time. i only recently realized i was doing it so now i'm trying to actually show who i am and why things bother me when i appear to be fine by them. my own father doesn't know i have ASD (only technically diagnosed this year) and everybody else thinks i'm perfectly fine and always happy with my life. you can actually keep who you are and do not over boost your own ego so you become smug or arrogant or appear as a know it all for always saying what will happen or a smartass if you ever say "i told you that would happen"

if done properly it can get you to a level where you can act "normal" but can still be yourself. you may never have a dozen friends but you would be able to meet a couple, and that would be great.. just those 2 the rest of your life.

 

[Warmheart]

My compassion for your challenges right now.

 

[Chisleu]

I'm the exact same and I, unfortunately, still don't really know how to handle it. My self-esteem is so low I let my greedy lawyer, who wanted to do as little work as possible, and emotionally abusive ex husband talk me into letting my ex be domiciliary parent if my daughter instead of fighting for custody. Now for the last 6 years he's refused to communicate with me whatsoever and she only know who I am because she raided her grandmother's picture book and found a picture of us together.

I've finally been able to afford another lawyer to try and fix all this, and a judge ordered a dcfs investigation on my ex because he's such a crappy parent, but even after all the crap my ex has put me through and having three other children that I've raised well, I still find it hard to stick up for myself and demand more when talking with the investigator and my lawyer.

I'm just stuck in this conundrum of wanting to fix the situation without turning into the same kind of ***hole my ex is. I guess I'm still scarred from how everything went down in the divorce. There's no reason in this world why she shouldn't have been with me in the first place, aside from my ex wanting to keep control over the last thing he had that meant anything to me, but my low self esteem always has me asking if there's something I'm not seeing about myself that no one's telling me that justifies the circumstances.

Now I'm terrified that my low self esteem has crept into my conversations, despite my conscious effort to be more kind to myself, and that it's been a detriment when talking to the investigator. Not to mention the anxiety of talking to people in the first place made me forget to mention things that were really important, and now I can't stop beating myself up about that too.

 

[Tom]

I'd skip that group and try and find another. Not all have such miserable people.