Second, Third, Fourth, Fifth verse Same as the First

[DogzSpirit]

It appears that once you confide in someone, even someone close like a spouse, that you are on the spectrum, it's like a Pandora's box opening.

It's an open invite for others to view you as different or damaged.

What is said in regards to me and my wiring, is often unrelated to the current issue, such as the one stated below.

My husband has a daughter, who I consider family. We live in close proximity, Daughter and husband upstairs with 4 children. We helped them buy this larger home. My husband and I downstairs. Husband is a cancer survivor with ongoing treatment. I have a compromised immune system. Daughter and husband have discontinued all pandemic distancing protocol early in the pandemic. They requested of my husband (all requests go through my husband) that we completely discontinue all safety measures, as it would be more pleasant for them to be able to have the two households mix and are upset we have missed large family get togethers-meals upstairs. Daughter want all the grandchildren to come downstairs and have us help them out if they need sitters or help. She says she is losing precious moments with husband.

Husband declined, saying that it's too dangerous for both of us with our health issues.
He said you'd really be losing precious moments with me if I die due to low immunity with my cancer treatments.
Daughter pointed to my lack of immunity and said oh it's because of Dog Spirit.
Husband said "No, it is because of both of us being high risk, and I am 76, DS is 64"

Yes, we see our grandchildren both inside and outside, and spend quality time with them, but not indoors, immediately after they have had a full house, or been vacationing.

I am not asking for advice on the Pandemic. This is just an example being presented.
What follows that refusal to change our approach is as follows:

I sweetened it up somewhat. This is the condensed nicer version of what is said.
The original is a bit ugly, and do not think she understand how those words appear.
I think it is a matter of lack of maturity and insight. Hey I am 64, and being older has it's benefits, perspective wise!

Daughter to father, in emails or phone:
I would like you to do this my way, it is important to me.
You won't agree with me?
I will continue to request this, and now in my eyes it is a (D S) Dog Spirit issue.
Somehow her warped view has swayed you.
D S is socially clumsy.
What is wrong with her?
D S doesn't have girlfriends.
I have so many girlfriends.
Look at all the friends I have. I am normal.
Dad, you have many friends.
I feel bad for D S.
D S isn't normal.
Can't you see she is damaged?
I would rather talk about why D S is the way she is.

Life is short. What's the big deal with friend counting, by mainstream society? Who cares how many people friend you on facebook? Why make an effort to present life as perfect on social media? Why would anyone compare how many friends they have as a proof of their normalcy? Why compare those numbers, to mine, in who I have on my facebook account, or in my friendship circle?

Husband is tired of feeling pressured by the upstairs and announced to me out of the blue, that he would like to move back to Pennsylvania and live in the family house (no extra costs) until the Pandemic blows over. I was surprised, but will go with what ever he decides. When he announced that to daughter, she was upset saying this too is DS!

I am just tired of hearing those verses again and again. It seems to intrude on our peaceful life, and reeks of being judgmental or worse yet, better than thou.

It's getting quite old, this tune that is sung. Mind you, It is only three people, (1) past, (2) present, that have sung that song. At current, the only people that reference my social awkwardness and lack of female friendships, are my husbandand his daughter. My husband let on he somehow spoke of those areas with the daughter in the recent past. And since then, it has been an ongoing mantra with her.

All I can do is damage control in the future. What's done is done. I therefore requested that he not speak of my private life, wiring or about me with her. He said he spoke of me, just to make a point of how I am, so she could better understand me. He wanted her to know that anything in my nature was not directed towards her, and that I was socially awkward with everyone, and that I was the most loyal friend a person could have. He also did somehow make examples of that in my relationships beyond him and lack of female friends.


That said, focus is on future damage control:

I said well in doing so, you were not correct. That in the future, it is not for you to explain and transfer your perspective of me to other people.

This is not something new. I had a few female acquaintances in Mexico, who hiked with my husband. One day, one of the women came up to me and said "By the way, you should know. If I didn't already know you and like you, I would stay clear of you based on what your husband said to me and everyone in the hike group." I was so taken back, but asked that person what the husband had said. Her response wsimply that he paints you as being different and a bit crazy. I did inform my husband of what was stated, and how it was taken. He said well he didn't mean it that way. I said It matters not how you meant it, but the final result. I explained you are not exactly conscious of your challenge with my wiring. Therefore, you must be conscious of your words.

With the above people, none of this is about to change. At least I don't think it is. It is possible that going forward there may be ways to avoid this.

In giving the readership here, this information...How many have found this happening to you? What measures/steps have you taken to avoid that from happening in future relationships?

The only thing I can think of, is to keep my friendships (I have a few with people that hike) far away from my husband. Before I bring them home/near husband, must establish a strong relationship. One which cannot be swayed by another persons version of me. This man has loose lips!

I organized a recreational social group in Pennsylvania. I am about to revive that group, for I still have nice friends I keep in touch with from that. I am very likely to meet others. I want to prevent this from repeating. Do I not inform anyone I am on the spectrum? Feels so dishonest in presentation of self.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Everyone, autistic or not, has their "inner circle" of people around them, whether it be family, friends, co-workers, etc. What you say and do around them is often dependent upon the dynamics of the group,...and your status within that group.

That said, there are people who know I am autistic,...and some don't care, others will take what I say and do with "consideration", and yet others are confident in their "moral diagnosis" of me and consider the autism diagnosis nothing more than an excuse or label. In my life, the people around me are far more concerned about my ability to perform, be a leader, and a mentor,...and are not accepting of anything short of "meeting their expectations". From what I've seen,...one, they don't care about my autism,...two, they have no perspective or empathy with this regard,...and three,...it's not an excuse for anything. It's as if to say,..."Yes, we all know you're a bit "off", but shut up and do your job,...don't care."

In summary,...the question as to whether or not to "out" yourself is highly individualized. Sometimes it is relevant for people to know,...my students, my close co-workers, my immediate family,...but everyone else, perhaps not. In my case, all three of those groups mentioned, I am an instructor, a leader and mentor, and patriarch. I hold some level of status within the group,...so, there is some degree of "safety" in outing myself. I think you just have to do your own risk analysis and decide.

 

[All-Rounder]

Goodness gracious. It's difficult enough to be on the spectrum, but to have someone who is ruining your small chances makes life hell. You practically work so hard against your skills for nothing. Plus it must hurt as he's your husband.

Like I get it about daughters, they're younger and children turn their parents against one another to manipulate to get their wishes come true. That way, by always having one side's "mercy" and split decision making, lack of unity, the assertiveness and strength of the family gets lost.
But for a husband to do this, it is unreasonable and immature. It's playing with fire when you turn against your partner for the sake of children, it kills intimacy, trust and everything else a family means.

it's the man's responsibility to stop participating in the brainwash of the child against you because as a parent he has to want their child to have its both parents as its never easy to be without parents as a kid and it's unfair to be. Also in teaching the child to not talk behind peoples backs when you allow for the possibility to be upfront. It's also his responsibility to respect you and not talk about your negative home issues in public. He can talk to his close friends, or the psychologist.

The man's lip is out of control, expecting him to learn it (ctrl) is unlikely to come true. People change slowly and very little.

People on FB and Instagram show off. Nothing is real. Not even their hair. To get hair and hair changes like that you're gonna have it ruined the next day when the products fall off.

People like to make the negatives of a targetted individual come out, nevermind that we're far worse if we'd look in the mirror. Another instance of pretending. The masks NTs wear.

I'm not sure infoming people you're on the spectrum is a good move, I mean taking into cosideration that some people like the ones in your home, will take a diagnosis and make it a way to oppose your very existence doesn't sound too great to happen again to you. Then again you want to prevent the people being vulnerable to the stuff your husband does, and to convey that youre a very different individual and they need not freak out. There has to be another way, I just can't think of one right now.

 

[Sherlock77]

I am careful about which people I tell about Autism, I certainly don't tell everyone...

In a social group like you describe, I don't think I would say anything, it's not being dishonest, it's about picking your spots

Any social groups I'm part (and there are several), there is no real need to mention it as far as I'm concerned

 

[DogzSpirit]

I appreciate you sharing your experience. That is a very interesting perspective on this, and there is much to learn from your example.

Before I realized I was on the spectrum, many approached me as a person who was indeed different, but definitely knew her way to produce at work (sales). A manager approached me in a yearly evaluation, saying I was ADD and wanted me to address this, which he saw as his diagnosis for my quirks. I turned about and pointed to my numbers, and ethics in sales, and stated, it does not apply to this. He indeed was ADD, and it was comical in my eyes. I left it as it takes one to know one, with a wink and a nod!

Status can play a crucial end result in response. That makes sense. The role I am taking as this family member is peacekeeper and care taker. That definitely does not place me in a position as leading. That is why in this situation, even though I have lead and mentored in others, is better left in my husbands hands.

When I was an organizer of a group, there was zero question of my wiring. Members were simply pleased at my energy, focus and results. So yes how people view another is indeed affected by status.

Thank you for sharing.

 

[All-Rounder]

I appreciate you sharing your experience. That is a very interesting perspective on this, and there is much to learn from your example.

Before I realized I was on the spectrum, many approached me as a person who was indeed different, but definitely knew her way to produce at work (sales). A manager approached me in a yearly evaluation, saying I was ADD and wanted me to address this, which he saw as his diagnosis for my quirks. I turned about and pointed to my numbers, and ethics in sales, and stated, it does not apply to this. He indeed was ADD, and it was comical in my eyes. I left it as it takes one to know one, with a wink and a nod!

Status can play a crucial end result in response. That makes sense. The role I am taking as this family member is peacekeeper and care taker. That definitely does not place me in a position as leading. That is why in this situation, even though I have lead and mentored in others, is better left in my husbands hands.

When I was an organizer of a group, there was zero question of my wiring. Members were simply pleased at my energy, focus and results. So yes how people view another is indeed affected by status.

Thank you for sharing.

I'll have to disagree, managers, leaders over people have to have the highest empathy in a workplace. It s important to be a peacekeeper and care taker.

People who tend to be dominant and unconcerned are better against an external offense as they can attack and do practically "anything" to win or seem right. And that propagates the company/family in the face of attacks or challenge/competition.

 

[DogzSpirit]

Goodness gracious. It's difficult enough to be on the spectrum, but to have someone who is ruining your small chances makes life hell. You practically work so hard against your skills for nothing. Plus it must hurt as he's your husband.

Like I get it about daughters, they're younger and children turn their parents against one another to manipulate to get their wishes come true. That way, by always having one side's "mercy" and split decision making, lack of unity, the assertiveness and strength of the family gets lost.
But for a husband to do this, it is unreasonable and immature. It's playing with fire when you turn against your partner for the sake of children, it kills intimacy, trust and everything else a family means.

it's the man's responsibility to stop participating in the brainwash of the child against you because as a parent he has to want their child to have its both parents as its never easy to be without parents as a kid and it's unfair to be. Also in teaching the child to not talk behind peoples backs when you allow for the possibility to be upfront. It's also his responsibility to respect you and not talk about your negative home issues in public. He can talk to his close friends, or the psychologist.

The man's lip is out of control, expecting him to learn it (ctrl) is unlikely to come true. People change slowly and very little.

People on FB and Instagram show off. Nothing is real. Not even their hair. To get hair and hair changes like that you're gonna have it ruined the next day when the products fall off.

People like to make the negatives of a targetted individual come out, nevermind that we're far worse if we'd look in the mirror. Another instance of pretending. The masks NTs wear.

I'm not sure infoming people you're on the spectrum is a good move, I mean taking into cosideration that some people like the ones in your home, will take a diagnosis and make it a way to oppose your very existence doesn't sound too great to happen again to you. Then again you want to prevent the people being vulnerable to the stuff your husband does, and to convey that youre a very different individual and they need not freak out. There has to be another way, I just can't think of one right now.

Yes, it is difficult enough being spectrum and having come this far to this point of success, just to be dealing with this also.

My husband means well and is great at saying nice things about me when this kicks in. However, it does kick in because he speaks of me, when he should just be quiet. He speaks too much and thinks people, especially his daughter will learn from what he says, and in effect make them more compassionate, possibly towards me. He strives to teach, but ah without rubbing her wrong. But, in this particular case it has certainly backfired. Yes, he should have seen this, for her original response which was rather ugly. I would have been concerned for my daughter if that came out of her mouth.

That may be the spectrum playing out in my parenting, seeking justice and honesty. I truly believe that ugly and untrue words, left uncorrected send the wrong message. They can do harm to the person believing them.

There are always situations where children may try to manipulate. They learn as they grow that is an immature tactic.

But back to the teacher... at 76, unlikely to learn. So yes, to avoid this in other relationships, I will call my losses here, and put preventives in place. It's a valuable lesson I have learned, I just do not yet know how to go about that.

I doubt that I am the only spouse that experiences this. I doubt I am the only spouse that hears - Is this your spectrum again? But that is yet another topic.

 

[Luca]

I almost never tell people. In most situations it’s irrelevant, in some cases it could put me in harm’s way, and in some cases I don’t think my friends would believe me, which would obviously make things awkward.

But I’m really sorry you are dealing with this situation. I wish I had better advice
I think you’ve been given good advice already though!

 

[All-Rounder]

I have been through "The phase." The phase was a period where I was telling everyone I knew I'm autistic. I had some fun disabling their false knowledge about autism and it was fun to see their faces go sideways, question their knowledge and want to learn the truth. The more difficult the person, the more difficult the conversation, the more problems ensuing and the less they were able to understand.

 

[KindnessMatters]

It appears that once you confide in someone, even someone close like a spouse, that you are on the spectrum, it's like a Pandora's box opening.

It's an open invite for others to view you as different or damaged.

What is said in regards to me and my wiring, is often unrelated to the current issue, such as the one stated below.

My husband has a daughter, who I consider family. We live in close proximity, Daughter and husband upstairs with 4 children. We helped them buy this larger home. My husband and I downstairs. Husband is a cancer survivor with ongoing treatment. I have a compromised immune system. Daughter and husband have discontinued all pandemic distancing protocol early in the pandemic. They requested of my husband (all requests go through my husband) that we completely discontinue all safety measures, as it would be more pleasant for them to be able to have the two households mix and are upset we have missed large family get togethers-meals upstairs. Daughter want all the grandchildren to come downstairs and have us help them out if they need sitters or help. She says she is losing precious moments with husband.

Husband declined, saying that it's too dangerous for both of us with our health issues.
He said you'd really be losing precious moments with me if I die due to low immunity with my cancer treatments.
Daughter pointed to my lack of immunity and said oh it's because of Dog Spirit.
Husband said "No, it is because of both of us being high risk, and I am 76, DS is 64"

Yes, we see our grandchildren both inside and outside, and spend quality time with them, but not indoors, immediately after they have had a full house, or been vacationing.

I am not asking for advice on the Pandemic. This is just an example being presented.
What follows that refusal to change our approach is as follows:

I sweetened it up somewhat. This is the condensed nicer version of what is said.
The original is a bit ugly, and do not think she understand how those words appear.
I think it is a matter of lack of maturity and insight. Hey I am 64, and being older has it's benefits, perspective wise!

Daughter to father, in emails or phone:
I would like you to do this my way, it is important to me.
You won't agree with me?
I will continue to request this, and now in my eyes it is a (D S) Dog Spirit issue.
Somehow her warped view has swayed you.
D S is socially clumsy.
What is wrong with her?
D S doesn't have girlfriends.
I have so many girlfriends.
Look at all the friends I have. I am normal.
Dad, you have many friends.
I feel bad for D S.
D S isn't normal.
Can't you see she is damaged?
I would rather talk about why D S is the way she is.

Life is short. What's the big deal with friend counting, by mainstream society? Who cares how many people friend you on facebook? Why make an effort to present life as perfect on social media? Why would anyone compare how many friends they have as a proof of their normalcy? Why compare those numbers, to mine, in who I have on my facebook account, or in my friendship circle?

Husband is tired of feeling pressured by the upstairs and announced to me out of the blue, that he would like to move back to Pennsylvania and live in the family house (no extra costs) until the Pandemic blows over. I was surprised, but will go with what ever he decides. When he announced that to daughter, she was upset saying this too is DS!

I am just tired of hearing those verses again and again. It seems to intrude on our peaceful life, and reeks of being judgmental or worse yet, better than thou.

It's getting quite old, this tune that is sung. Mind you, It is only three people, (1) past, (2) present, that have sung that song. At current, the only people that reference my social awkwardness and lack of female friendships, are my husbandand his daughter. My husband let on he somehow spoke of those areas with the daughter in the recent past. And since then, it has been an ongoing mantra with her.

All I can do is damage control in the future. What's done is done. I therefore requested that he not speak of my private life, wiring or about me with her. He said he spoke of me, just to make a point of how I am, so she could better understand me. He wanted her to know that anything in my nature was not directed towards her, and that I was socially awkward with everyone, and that I was the most loyal friend a person could have. He also did somehow make examples of that in my relationships beyond him and lack of female friends.


That said, focus is on future damage control:

I said well in doing so, you were not correct. That in the future, it is not for you to explain and transfer your perspective of me to other people.

This is not something new. I had a few female acquaintances in Mexico, who hiked with my husband. One day, one of the women came up to me and said "By the way, you should know. If I didn't already know you and like you, I would stay clear of you based on what your husband said to me and everyone in the hike group." I was so taken back, but asked that person what the husband had said. Her response wsimply that he paints you as being different and a bit crazy. I did inform my husband of what was stated, and how it was taken. He said well he didn't mean it that way. I said It matters not how you meant it, but the final result. I explained you are not exactly conscious of your challenge with my wiring. Therefore, you must be conscious of your words.

With the above people, none of this is about to change. At least I don't think it is. It is possible that going forward there may be ways to avoid this.

In giving the readership here, this information...How many have found this happening to you? What measures/steps have you taken to avoid that from happening in future relationships?

The only thing I can think of, is to keep my friendships (I have a few with people that hike) far away from my husband. Before I bring them home/near husband, must establish a strong relationship. One which cannot be swayed by another persons version of me. This man has loose lips!

I organized a recreational social group in Pennsylvania. I am about to revive that group, for I still have nice friends I keep in touch with from that. I am very likely to meet others. I want to prevent this from repeating. Do I not inform anyone I am on the spectrum? Feels so dishonest in presentation of self.

 

[KindnessMatters]

My husband passed in 2018 and I went through a similar experience. I also had to hire an attorney because my stepchildren (grown) who I adored, came in and plotted to have me declared mentally incompetent so they could take our estate. They based this mostly on what their “dad” had told them and that I don’t socialize with others. If I could go back there in time now, I would have not assumed anything. Two important steps I missed were 1. Make certain that we had alone time and his kids respected our wishes. 2. Have more specifics in our legal wills. I was too naive and assumed too much. Best of luck to you!

 

[DogzSpirit]

@ KindnessMatte: When they tried to declare you mentally incompetent, did they reference your being on the Spectrum? Were they successful, if not, what stood in their way? I am assuming the legal help worked. What a horrible experience on top of loosing your husband. My heart goes out to you having gone through that.

 

[KindnessMatters]

@ KindnessMatte: When they tried to declare you mentally incompetent, did they reference your being on the Spectrum? Were they successful, if not, what stood in their way? I am assuming the legal help worked. What a horrible experience on top of loosing your husband. My heart goes out to you having gone through that.

 

[KindnessMatters]

I’m trying to reply and these ads keep messing with me! Maybe third time is charm! Had great attorney and called him immediately when I figured out what these kids were plotting! Hadn’t yet been diagnosed with my Asperger’s. But years of husband’s little comments when he was a bit unhappy and my lack of social skills were their “evidence”. Do make sure you have your ducks in a row legally and spend the remaining time you both have together in a serene place. Just my opinion from a very bad experience.

 

[KindnessMatters]

…..and my heart goes out to you also! I know this is very difficult for you. I really wish you all the very best!

 

[SusanLR]

I don't tell anyone unless it is necessary. Perhaps a physician.
The man I live with hits me with a zinger putting the Asperger word in occasionally,
but I don't think he would tell anyone else.

He talks with a few neighbors casually when outside.
I once ask if anyone ever said anything to him about my not socializing.
He said no one had. He also said two of the neighbor's wives were Asperger.
Now how did he know that?

But it doesn't really matter to me as I don't befriend any of them anyway.

 

[All-Rounder]

@ KindnessMatte: When they tried to declare you mentally incompetent, did they reference your being on the Spectrum? Were they successful, if not, what stood in their way? I am assuming the legal help worked. What a horrible experience on top of loosing your husband. My heart goes out to you having gone through that.

Ableism is a nasty disease and false belief.

I'm currently getting through a member joining to get on my threads, just to later declare me mentally incompetent after "they've been looking at my posts."

 

[merciful87]

It's really about the fact that the doctor can see what the patient can't.

And there is no shame in feeling better and asking for help. There is no shame in trying to feel better.

Only that doctor can make such determinations, and that requires going to that doctor, especially after being told to go by another doctor.

It's a mountain one has to climb first to see the valley beyond.