Recent Breakup

[Werefang]

So I don’t have an Autistic diagnosis just yet. Waiting until Wednesday to see my Autistic therapist through video chat to see if I got it. I am turning 40 years old by the end of this month. I just had a recent breakup where the wounds are still fresh and trying to heal. I am coming to terms with a lot of the repetitive issues I have had for years with all my relationships with women. I am a lesbian and have been for years…

This was my first experience with an Autistic person. I didn’t know much about Autism until I dated her. She taught me a few things and loved me for me. Never judged me or tried to change me… She knew before hand I have BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety (undiagnosed at the time) and bad relationship experiences. She has PTSD, severe depression disorder, and Anxiety. She broke it off because I kept trying to break up with her, kept starting arguments when she opened up about her feelings, twisting her words, putting words in her mouth, basically emotionally abused her, and putting standards for every unsolicited advice I gave her…

She tried to be patient with me but I guess I pushed her too far… I did start seeing a therapist after she told me she would break it off if I didn’t get help. But the issues continued even after that… I guess she was gonna try to give the friendship a chance but I guess I ruined that too by threatening her to expose her to everyone… x-x At the time I was just so argumentative…

Do you think she will ever forgive me, remove the block and try to talk to me…? I am worried… Scared to loose her and still love her very much. I sent her a healing letter only few days ago… Not sure if she will read it or not. It’s handwritten… Six pages long. In it I shared with her how serious I have become about getting help and the changes I am making to improve my overall self. That I am open to her and I meeting face to face to talk about anything. Or even via texts or letters..

I told her how much I love her and miss her… That I understand now my behavior was unacceptable and will start taking accountability. She only lives one city away…

Any advice would be really helpful…

 

[Chris12345]

Sounds like you need to do some work on your personality before a good relationship will be possible.

 

[Werefang]

But yet we met up once every Saturday basically once a week face to face and we did fine there. In fact, we never wanted to be apart… We did a lot of kissing and her son loves me… But in texts that’s where the problems started and continued… It was never intentional. More like on the subconscious level. I am seeking therapy now for a lot of things…

Sounds like you need to do some work on your personality before a good relationship will be possible.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

Hi Werefang, I understand that this is a painful situation for you. But the way you describe things sounds like it might be healthier for both you and your ex-partner to take some time apart for now and to accept that she doesn't want any contact at the moment.

Do you think she will ever forgive me, remove the block and try to talk to me…?

She might, one day. But for this she will probably need time. You describe that a lot of hurtful things have happened, so a forced, short-sighted reconciliation right now, when things are still fresh, would probably realistically result in more fights, more hurt and another break-up a.

That I understand now my behavior was unacceptable and will start taking accountability.

In it I shared with her how serious I have become about getting help and the changes I am making to improve my overall self.

It's great and a very big step that you are able to reflect, to take responsibility and to seek help, and it's understandable that you want to tell your ex-partner straight away how much things have changed for you. But changes like that need time. After so many things happened, people don't need only words, but need to see actions. Your ex-partner would need to see, over a longer period of time, that you have indeed taken responsibility and are working on yourself. And she might not want to see that while being emotionally as close to you as to be in a relationship, because that's a very vulnerable position for her to be in - even more so if she has a child she needs to think of.

You can't force her to talk to you and to forgive you, and you shouldn't try to. The best thing for both of you might be to focus on yourselves for now - and maybe this results in talking and getting closer again one day.

 

[Werefang]

I guess l can't offer help. I was gaslighted by my aspie guy. He felt threatened by me, that's why l tried to breakup with him multiple times. Good luck with this. Please take strength from this forum in going forward with or without this person. Find strength in yourself. Truthfully, we can be extremely cold in relationships. I feel u may need to move on. And, please understand this is NO reflection on you. What l learned is some men on the spectrum can't express love. It's a very hard lesson to take away. It's like going to a foreign country and expecting them to speak your native tongue. It's not happening, and you can't expect it to happen. It's just a life lesson. I hope this helps with your understanding with us. And yes, l am definitely belong here. These forum members are my tribe. What's so sad is, l love zero commitment in relationships. That just let's me be free. I don't have to live up to any expectation that you may have, (of me). To some extent, the men that stick with me know my dark dirty secret, but they still love me. But l totally respect those men who stay around me.

Except my ex gf was a high functioning Autistic person. She acted no different than me. She is looking for commitment. For a partner. For love. Everything I have to offer and want. Otherwise I wouldn’t have gotten with her. The more we hung out the more we fell for each other. When we kissed on the lips we felt strong connection. If she didn’t want that with me she would have either wrote it in her note app or texted me. I made sure to always be there for her in texts and face to face. I loved her very much and made her feel safe. But as soon as I made her feel safe through texts my Bipolar of fears struck and wanted me to argue or create chaos. Things I never wanted to do…. Your situation might be different than mine.

 

[Werefang]

Hi Werefang, I understand that this is a painful situation for you. But the way you describe things sounds like it might be healthier for both you and your ex-partner to take some time apart for now and to accept that she doesn't want any contact at the moment.

She might, one day. But for this she will probably need time. You describe that a lot of hurtful things have happened, so a forced, short-sighted reconciliation right now, when things are still fresh, would probably realistically result in more fights, more hurt and another break-up a.


It's great and a very big step that you are able to reflect, to take responsibility and to seek help, and it's understandable that you want to tell your ex-partner straight away how much things have changed for you. But changes like that need time. After so many things happened, people don't need only words, but need to see actions. Your ex-partner would need to see, over a longer period of time, that you have indeed taken responsibility and are working on yourself. And she might not want to see that while being emotionally as close to you as to be in a relationship, because that's a very vulnerable position for her to be in - even more so if she has a child she needs to think of.

You can't force her to talk to you and to forgive you, and you shouldn't try to. The best thing for both of you might be to focus on yourselves for now - and maybe this results in talking and getting closer again one day.

Best advice and response I have received so far. So thank you for your words of wisdom. This has provided me with some comfort and reassurance that I needed to stay on my healing path.

 

[Werefang]

Hi Werefang, I understand that this is a painful situation for you. But the way you describe things sounds like it might be healthier for both you and your ex-partner to take some time apart for now and to accept that she doesn't want any contact at the moment.

She might, one day. But for this she will probably need time. You describe that a lot of hurtful things have happened, so a forced, short-sighted reconciliation right now, when things are still fresh, would probably realistically result in more fights, more hurt and another break-up a.


It's great and a very big step that you are able to reflect, to take responsibility and to seek help, and it's understandable that you want to tell your ex-partner straight away how much things have changed for you. But changes like that need time. After so many things happened, people don't need only words, but need to see actions. Your ex-partner would need to see, over a longer period of time, that you have indeed taken responsibility and are working on yourself. And she might not want to see that while being emotionally as close to you as to be in a relationship, because that's a very vulnerable position for her to be in - even more so if she has a child she needs to think of.

You can't force her to talk to you and to forgive you, and you shouldn't try to. The best thing for both of you might be to focus on yourselves for now - and maybe this results in talking and getting closer again one day.

I have a silly question and I know no one can know for sure but as an Autistic person assuming you are one

Hi Werefang, I understand that this is a painful situation for you. But the way you describe things sounds like it might be healthier for both you and your ex-partner to take some time apart for now and to accept that she doesn't want any contact at the moment.

She might, one day. But for this she will probably need time. You describe that a lot of hurtful things have happened, so a forced, short-sighted reconciliation right now, when things are still fresh, would probably realistically result in more fights, more hurt and another break-up a.


It's great and a very big step that you are able to reflect, to take responsibility and to seek help, and it's understandable that you want to tell your ex-partner straight away how much things have changed for you. But changes like that need time. After so many things happened, people don't need only words, but need to see actions. Your ex-partner would need to see, over a longer period of time, that you have indeed taken responsibility and are working on yourself. And she might not want to see that while being emotionally as close to you as to be in a relationship, because that's a very vulnerable position for her to be in - even more so if she has a child she needs to think of.

You can't force her to talk to you and to forgive you, and you shouldn't try to. The best thing for both of you might be to focus on yourselves for now - and maybe this results in talking and getting closer again one day.

Now I have a question and I can understand no one knows for sure the answer to this question but I figured I would ask anyways, do you think with all the harm I have caused her only through texts do you think with her PTSD, trauma from her childhood from parents, fears, triggers, anxiety, and severe depression she might read my letter or throw it away without even being curious as to what it says? Curious on your thoughts. And also do you have any good articles, games, programs, apps, etc to help me also on my healing journey? I am always looking for more things to help me out.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

No question is silly.

I'm afraid I really don't know if your ex-partner will read the letter. That's a very personal thing. There could also be option C - her not reading the letter right now but keeping it and maybe reading it at a later point in her life. She could read it, she could throw it away. There is no way for anyone apart from her to know or predict this.
Maybe a bit of consolation for you - even if she throws away the letter now, that wouldn't have to be a bad thing. Because if she is in a state of mind where she throws the letter away, I imagine her not being ready to think about forgiving you anyway, even if she read the letter. And that's okay too, she has every right to feel that way. If she decides to take a break now, including not reading the letter, that might be a healthy choice for her too and doesn't have to mean that she will feel this way forever.

I understand that you want her to read what you wrote, but it's possible that she isn't in a state of mind right now where she can receive those words. Again, some things take time. If you two get closer again one day, you can always tell her what you wrote in that letter.

As to your other question, I'm afraid I don't know about any apps or programs. Maybe someone else here does? All I know is that dialectic-behavioral therapy (DBT) seems to be the most promising form of therapy for people who struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder. Maybe you want to ask your therapist if they know about such programs available nearby?

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

So I don’t have an Autistic diagnosis just yet. Waiting until Wednesday to see my Autistic therapist through video chat to see if I got it. I am turning 40 years old by the end of this month. I just had a recent breakup where the wounds are still fresh and trying to heal. I am coming to terms with a lot of the repetitive issues I have had for years with all my relationships with women. I am a lesbian and have been for years…

This was my first experience with an Autistic person. I didn’t know much about Autism until I dated her. She taught me a few things and loved me for me. Never judged me or tried to change me… She knew before hand I have BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety (undiagnosed at the time) and bad relationship experiences. She has PTSD, severe depression disorder, and Anxiety. She broke it off because I kept trying to break up with her, kept starting arguments when she opened up about her feelings, twisting her words, putting words in her mouth, basically emotionally abused her, and putting standards for every unsolicited advice I gave her…

She tried to be patient with me but I guess I pushed her too far… I did start seeing a therapist after she told me she would break it off if I didn’t get help. But the issues continued even after that… I guess she was gonna try to give the friendship a chance but I guess I ruined that too by threatening her to expose her to everyone… x-x At the time I was just so argumentative…

Do you think she will ever forgive me, remove the block and try to talk to me…? I am worried… Scared to loose her and still love her very much. I sent her a healing letter only few days ago… Not sure if she will read it or not. It’s handwritten… Six pages long. In it I shared with her how serious I have become about getting help and the changes I am making to improve my overall self. That I am open to her and I meeting face to face to talk about anything. Or even via texts or letters..

I told her how much I love her and miss her… That I understand now my behavior was unacceptable and will start taking accountability. She only lives one city away…

Any advice would be really helpful…

did you have any ex-girlfriends before her?

 

[Rodafina]

I sent her a healing letter only few days ago

Healing for whom?

 

[Werefang]

did you have any ex-girlfriends before her?

Yes, I have. I have had a lot of ex girl friends in fact as my post describes. However they most ended because of me it feels like. Only one my longest three years one ended because towards the end my ex gf cheated on me. She was Asian living in Japan. We did see each other on video chat everyday. We talked both that way and through texts. I know that we visited each other to see each other face to face. It wasn’t cheap. Hope this answers your question.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Yes, I have. I have had a lot of ex girl friends in fact as my post describes. However they most ended because of me it feels like. Only one my longest three years one ended because towards the end my ex gf cheated on me. She was Asian living in Japan. We did see each other on video chat everyday. We talked both that way and through texts. I know that we visited each other to see each other face to face. It wasn’t cheap. Hope this answers your question.

so you never saw that one in person? i assume you had girlfriends in your 20s

 

[Werefang]

Healing for whom?

Oh sorry. Guess the context was missing here. It’s a healing letter for both me and her. I guess it depends on the way she takes it at the time of reading it. That’s if she reads it…. My current ex gf.

 

[Rodafina]

Oh sorry. Guess the context was missing here. It’s a healing letter for both me and her. I guess it depends on the way she takes it at the time of reading it. That’s if she reads it…. My current ex gf.

Based on the behavior you shared and the way you described the letter, it sounded like it's healing for you. Seeking forgiveness or some level of reconciliation addresses your needs of feeling badly, but it does not necessarily help her. For my part, hearing any form of "I'm sorry," doesn't do much for me. I am still fearful that the negative patterns will persist and what really helps is slowly rebuilding trust over time by experiencing an actual change in the person.

I kept trying to break up with her, kept starting arguments when she opened up about her feelings, twisting her words, putting words in her mouth, basically emotionally abused her, and putting standards for every unsolicited advice I gave her

threatening her to expose her to everyone

These are very serious issues that you share and if I were in her shoes, the most healing thing for me would be to have space and possibly come to forgiveness on my own terms if at all. Sometimes, space is the thing that is really healing after such an unhealthy pattern of interacting.

To be clear, I am not saying that you are a horrible, unforgivable person. It sounds like you are trying to take accountability, take time for personal growth and learning, and amend hurts from the past. I hope you get there, but I would encourage you to focus on yourself and learning how to be part of healthy partnership.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

well you have done better than lots of other men with autism, on the spectrum.