New, Mother and Friend of Aspies

[Aspie's Friend]

My 15 year old son has been diagnosed with as high functioning Aspergers. He doing very well. He is very bright, social awkward but we found a great group that he fits in. He is delightful. He rarely makes eye contact but communicates very well. He is extremely empathic and sensitive and freaked out by any type of hurt or injury even bandaid commercials. He only eats a handful of foods and has a lot of quirks (like food not touching, not have ing expiration date, wearing his socks 24/7 with seas lined up).

I believe my friend also has Aspergers but she is in denial and furious if I bring it up. for ten years she has talked about how much she is like my son but refuses to believe he has Aspergers. Although she is suspicious her own mother had Aspergers.

I am a good friend. At times at has been very frustrating. I love her dearly and she is amazing. She is a proofreader and excellent at many things. She is passionate about words. She is often frustrated because she is so literal. I listen and give a lot of empathy.

I read a lot about Aspergers to be able to deal with my friend. I joke she is like a swimming pool-- a lot of work but worth it.

It may seem a little sneaky but I am doing this to help her understand. I copy and paste comments written by Aspies then take out any reference to Aspergers then say hey this sounds like you can you relate? Each time she said yes, finally someone that thinks like me. But I have never told her each one is an Aspie.

She cannot watch movies or tv shows because someone might get hurt and she reacts so deeply. It can throw he into deep depression.

I guess it doesn't matter that she is in denial but it seems to me she would benefit from meeting others as she has complained for years she has always been different.

Most of the time dealing with life she is OK but she has talked a lot about wishing shed never been born. She also went through a 20 year period of self medicating with pot. (not any more). She gets very frustrated, she is VERY passionate and dramatic. She has no problem with eye contact.

She seems social to fit in but strongly hates parties. I am guessing but I think she is good at memorizing the right thing to say and working hard at trying to act appropriate.

Most of our mutual friends think she is insane. Sad. But if you don't know the aspire stuff she does look pretty strange.

Any thoughts? Thanks.

 

[Astroganga]

Welcome. Oh wow that's a tough one. It does sound like a possibility, with your friend but it is hard to tell from here.

In my own experience, when I first came across Asperger's, it did really fit me, but I had a couple of misconceptions, that Aspies were always maths geniuses (not true and Aspies can often have big problems with maths), and that all Aspies are super organised and stick to a strictly regimented timetable and routine, again something that does not apply to me. I now know that many Aspies are like me, they hate changes to their typical day to day routine, but struggle to organise their time and activities well-which is me to a T.

I then tried to get referred for my various Aspergers-related problems ten years ago, I had already ruled out Aspergers myself but a health professional should have been able to spot it a mile away, especially as in that town, the team who were seeing me are those responsible for adult Asperger referrals as well. Instead they just labelled all my problems as being due to depression and not being on the correct dose or type of medication.

Fast forward to last year and I started researching Asperger's again. Not sure exactly what triggered off me looking into it again, but think it was a combination of factors, including that one of my teen idols (Johnny from menswe@r) had recently been diagnosed with Aspergers, and his account of the long journey towards that mirrored many of my own experiences. I decided the tiebreaker would be that I would do the AQ and other online tests and if I scored as a typical NT I would put the Asperger's thing on the back burner altogether, but my scores were off the scale. Even then I looked into private diagnosis, decided it was too expensive, and was anxious about seeking an NHS diagnosis, so it took me about 7 months to go to my GP and get the referral to the adult autism service that they have in this area of London, something most areas do not have. I am now awaiting my second assessment appointment (2/3)'

 

[Elemental]

Welcome to Central Aspie's Friend. However we come to be here, it's a really friendly & useful site & there is a lot to be taken from it. I hope your friend might check in to check it out too.

 

[Aspie's Friend]

Welcome. Oh wow that's a tough one. It does sound like a possibility, with your friend but it is hard to tell from here.

In my own experience, when I first came across Asperger's, it did really fit me, but I had a couple of misconceptions, that Aspies were always maths geniuses (not true and Aspies can often have big problems with maths), and that all Aspies are super organised and stick to a strictly regimented timetable and routine, again something that does not apply to me. I now know that many Aspies are like me, they hate changes to their typical day to day routine, but struggle to organise their time and activities well-which is me to a T.

I then tried to get referred for my various Aspergers-related problems ten years ago, I had already ruled out Aspergers myself but a health professional should have been able to spot it a mile away, especially as in that town, the team who were seeing me are those responsible for adult Asperger referrals as well. Instead they just labelled all my problems as being due to depression and not being on the correct dose or type of medication.

Fast forward to last year and I started researching Asperger's again. Not sure exactly what triggered off me looking into it again, but think it was a combination of factors, including that one of my teen idols (Johnny from menswe@r) had recently been diagnosed with Aspergers, and his account of the long journey towards that mirrored many of my own experiences. I decided the tiebreaker would be that I would do the AQ and other online tests and if I scored as a typical NT I would put the Asperger's thing on the back burner altogether, but my scores were off the scale. Even then I looked into private diagnosis, decided it was too expensive, and was anxious about seeking an NHS diagnosis, so it took me about 7 months to go to my GP and get the referral to the adult autism service that they have in this area of London, something most areas do not have. I am now awaiting my second assessment appointment (2/3)'

Thanks. You are giving me some hope. Maybe I can get her to test again. She took a test EMPHATICALLY said it was not her. But she answered things like not being naive when she is SUPER naive. I'm leaning toward breaking off the friendship for my own health, it is heartbreaking.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

I think at the end of the day it really doesn't matter if your friend has asperger's or not; it's the person that matters, not the diagnosis. I think you might be getting a little too caught up in it. It's great that you want to be there for your friend but really in truly it's her choice if she chooses to pursue a diagnosis, not yours. All you can do it support her either way, as a friend.

 

[Aspie's Friend]

I think at the end of the day it really doesn't matter if your friend has asperger's or not; it's the person that matters, not the diagnosis. I think you might be getting a little too caught up in it. It's great that you want to be there for your friend but really in truly it's her choice if she chooses to pursue a diagnosis, not yours. All you can do it support her either way, as a friend.

This will sound cruel but if she doesn't get help I can't take it anymore. Its too never racking for me. I am exhausted and frustrated dealing with her. I thought if she understood it she would understand why I can't take hours to explain things to her daily but maybe I'm wrong and it won't make any difference.

I have a life, a family and a heart condition. I have to set some kind of boundaries. I have no time for my family or myself.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

Frustrated at what? Is she clingy?

 

[Myway]

Welcome. It sounds hard. I hope you find answers and friends here.

 

[Aspie's Friend]

Clingy? Yes. if I don't call her daily and she can't get me by phone she calls my husband and friends to find out what is wrong.

I am frustrated at simple conversations have to explained in detail before she can understand and her questioning EVERYTHING. Like the word Strength. A simple statement turns into a 30 minute debate.

This example just came to me. I showed her Pinterest. We made her an account and when it got to the save the pin category she wanted to know WHY. I didn't know. I explained that how it was set up to organize the pins into categories. Just click a category. "But WHY?" This went on for ten minutes before I went to the bathroom to pull my hair out (not really its an expression).

Her left breast was swollen almost double the size and turned gray blue. I talked to her daily over and over and refused to believe it was a problem. Now she facing a complete breast removal because she waited 4 months to see a doctor.

She refuses to believe anything unless you can back it up. For example, in the car she was livid I turned right on a red arrow after a complete stop. I know the law (I'm a former police officer). You are allowed to turn right on a red arrow in FL after you stop. She did not believe me until I showed her in a FL traffic law book.

In a flyer she made offering herself as a personal coach she listed as being able to teach people computer skills like Excel-- she can barely make a spread sheet. She is not an expert (can't does not even know how to do simple formulas) When I explained she argued until I gave up. She is an expert in several things like proofreading and health but NOT computer skills.

She is angry all the time because people use metaphors.

She has no children ("purposely not bring children into this horrible word") I have a lot of children. She consistently tells me how differently I should be raising them.

She can't let anything go, she is like a bull dog examining something I said, or someone else months ago..... to death. Brining it up over and over and over and over. Its like she is obsessed that anything she has ever done wrong be seen in smoother light so she looks good-- if not--she bringing up over and over and over to make me or anyone listening see it from her view.

I get this-- so I listen a lot-- I really try to understand because I know she is always misunderstood. But I'm at a breaking point.

She is convinced people are stealing things when she misplaces something - stupid things like a cable. She is CONVINCED she NEVER misplaces anything. When she does.

We were at a conference together. When we changed rooms I told he is was up one level and to the right. She said, "No, I don't think so. " I knew where were. I argued for 5 minutes and finally left her standing there because the meeting was starting. She finally followed.

 

[Tom]

From what you wrote it seems you already have told her you thought she might have HFA, so you have already done that step. If she doesn't believe it there is not much you can do. A mental health professional might be able to get somewhere with her, but she would have to want to go that route. Just an FYI, there are no mental health professionals here. This is just a forum of people with or close to someone with ASD.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

Yes, that doesn't sound easy. I personally couldn't be dealing with someone ringing me each and every day, it would drive me mad. You've got more patience than I ever would and it sounds like you really care for her, well done.

You don't need me to tell you but I'll say it anyway for completeness sake. A lot of us have trouble analysing what we've done and how it can be perceived by others. In situations like the phone calls she needs someone to calmly explain to her that people need space from each other to avoid confrontations arising. This needs to be done before you reach breaking point because that's not going to help anyone. If she is autistic like you say, she'll probably need to know how often should she ring instead, try every three days.

I don't know what else to really suggest. You could try to get her to do the AQ test if she'd even entertain the idea for five minutes but it doesn't sound like she would.

 

[Aspie's Friend]

>>A lot of us have trouble analysing what we've done and how it can be perceived by others. In situations like the phone calls she needs someone to calmly explain to her that people need space from each other to avoid confrontations arising. This needs to be done before you reach breaking point because that's not going to help anyone.
<<<<


Very helpful. thank you.

 

[Rayner]

My 15 year old son has been diagnosed with as high functioning Aspergers. He doing very well. He is very bright, social awkward but we found a great group that he fits in. He is delightful. He rarely makes eye contact but communicates very well. He is extremely empathic and sensitive and freaked out by any type of hurt or injury even bandaid commercials. He only eats a handful of foods and has a lot of quirks (like food not touching, not have ing expiration date, wearing his socks 24/7 with seas lined up).

I believe my friend also has Aspergers but she is in denial and furious if I bring it up. for ten years she has talked about how much she is like my son but refuses to believe he has Aspergers. Although she is suspicious her own mother had Aspergers.

I am a good friend. At times at has been very frustrating. I love her dearly and she is amazing. She is a proofreader and excellent at many things. She is passionate about words. She is often frustrated because she is so literal. I listen and give a lot of empathy.

I read a lot about Aspergers to be able to deal with my friend. I joke she is like a swimming pool-- a lot of work but worth it.

It may seem a little sneaky but I am doing this to help her understand. I copy and paste comments written by Aspies then take out any reference to Aspergers then say hey this sounds like you can you relate? Each time she said yes, finally someone that thinks like me. But I have never told her each one is an Aspie.

She cannot watch movies or tv shows because someone might get hurt and she reacts so deeply. It can throw he into deep depression.

I guess it doesn't matter that she is in denial but it seems to me she would benefit from

She may have be autistic but too me she screams narcissist.

 

[Astroganga]

Definitely rings 'narcissistic' alarm bells for me too. I was stalked by a narcissist and she exhibited very similar behaviours. The making grandiose claims about skills especially.