New here - insights welcome

[PATILYN]

Hi all, I am new. I am in a lovely friendship with an undiagnosed aspie man. I would like it to be more; however, it is new. About 8 months. We are now in a LDR. As it stands, we don't define ourselves as more than friends.
I have fallen in love. I believe he loves me but by his own admission he has told me he has trouble with his words.
I would very much appreciate some insights for me.
I have let him know that I love him. We have kissed on the lips, if not with passion (from my perspective), at least as close friends. He is not adverse to me touching him or being close to him physically but we have yet to discuss more intimacy. He seems a bit timid on the subject of intimacy. He has made a couple of odd remarks about women who have approached him in the past. He did have a long term relationship that ended several years ago.
When I left him at the airport, I got an immediate text "I miss you already". He has confided/reassured me on more than one occasion, "I am always thinking about you". If I was in a NT relationship, and guy told me this, I would know exactly that he thought of me in a romantic way.
Recently when I told him via text that he was in my heart and that he was very very special to me, his response was "right back to you". I rather thought this was sweet; and I assume means "I echo the sentiment".
He gladly talks with me weekly, and answers my texts very quickly, however, I have to initiate things and set it up.
I am very aware that my expectations need to be in line with what he is capable of and I accept this.
So my questions are this:
1. Is it likely that he has any feelings for me in a romantic way? I know the easy answer is to ask him, but at this point, I would like some brotherly advise without actually having to do so?
2. If he thinks of me all the time, and said "he misses me already", why is it that I need to make all the arrangements for us to communicate?
3. Any advice for making my friend comfortable with the idea that we could be more?

thank you all so much.

 

[tree]

 

[ksheehan88]

Hi Patilyn and welcome.

I couldn't say whether I think he has romantic interest in you or not, but the having to initiate communication - out of sight, out of mind.

Not to say that he doesn't miss you, just that it doesn't occur to him to communicate.

I do this when I go away for a few days from home. I have three kids and a partner and unless prompted I don't contact them the whole time, actually I don't even think about them. It doesn't mean I don't miss them, it just means I only realise I do when I am reminded.

 

[Judge]

In the most general sense, it's complicated.

Consider that while we can love individuals, at the same time we can be averse to being around people in general. Which does set us up at times as being in conflict with the very term "love" or being in love. It can indeed complicate and potentially compromise our own perception about how we may feel about our significant others.

Perhaps the most critical thing I can impart to Neurotypicals (non-Autistic people) is to learn to not take this personally. And yes, it's easier said than done. I get that as well.

Welcome to AF.

 

[PATILYN]

It can indeed complicate and potentially compromise our own perception about how we may feel about our significant others.

Thank you for this. I am not quite sure how to figure out what this means. I am not sure how to understand what you mean by "our own perception"? Do you mean that he may think that because he is not with me all the time or that he needs to be away from me sometimes that "he perceives he does not love me"? Do you have an example that might help me understand?

 

[Judge]

Thank you for this. I am not quite sure how to figure out what this means. I am not sure how to understand what you mean by "our own perception"? Do you mean that he may think that because he is not with me all the time or that he needs to be away from me sometimes that "he perceives he does not love me"? Do you have an example that might help me understand?

It means for me that there's always a certain amount of confusion in how I can care deeply for an individual, and yet be averse to people being around me in general.

It may sound contradictory to you, but for many of us on the spectrum, "it is what it is."

 

[PATILYN]

It doesn't mean I don't miss them, it just means I only realise I do when I am reminded.

Thank you. I wonder when you say "I am reminded" ... I have often wondered what would happen if I do not contact him. Occasionally I have felt abandoned; however, I am willing to accept the role of initiating ... as long as my initiating is welcome. I have no other yardstick to measure his interest in my doing the initiating other than his most recent actions: responsiveness to me, willing to spend time, verification of his missing me, thinking of me and responding positively to my words of love. So I am planning to continue. I am thinking he would not be respond to me if was not interested in talking to me?

 

[ksheehan88]

Thank you. I wonder when you say "I am reminded" ... I have often wondered what would happen if I do not contact him. Occasionally I have felt abandoned; however, I am willing to accept the role of initiating ... as long as my initiating is welcome. I have no other yardstick to measure his interest in my doing the initiating other than his most recent actions: responsiveness to me, willing to spend time, verification of his missing me, thinking of me and responding positively to my words of love. So I am planning to continue. I am thinking he would not be respond to me if was not interested in talking to me?

How long do you leave it between initiating contact? It may be that you're noticing the time but he is not

 

[PATILYN]

How long do you leave it between initiating contact? It may be that you're noticing the time but he is not

Oh I see ... it could be me that is concerned about how long it has been and assigning my NT emotion to that time. For example, if it has been more than a "week", I am thinking he does not love me. In direct answer to your question, I check in with a text every couple of days. And I call via SKYPE once a week. I share my week with him, tell him what is going on at work, tell him stories about our mutual friends and ask him for details of his week. He tells me that he is glad to hear from me, that it is good to see me, that we will talk soon and we hug each other and kiss over the computer. LOL. I also noticed, he has a bit of trouble initiating anything even though he intends to.

By the way, if it is not too personal can you tell me ...how did you identify your feelings for your spouse?

 

[ksheehan88]

Oh I see ... it could be me that is concerned about how long it has been and assigning my NT emotion to that time. For example, if it has been more than a "week", I am thinking he does not love me. In direct answer to your question, I check in with a text every couple of days. And I call via SKYPE once a week. I share my week with him, tell him what is going on at work, tell him stories about our mutual friends and ask him for details of his week. He tells me that he is glad to hear from me, that it is good to see me, that we will talk soon and we hug each other and kiss over the computer. LOL. I also noticed, he has a bit of trouble initiating anything even though he intends to.

By the way, if it is not too personal can you tell me ...how did you identify your feelings for your spouse?

Yeah, every couple of days he wouldn't really need to initiate contact, as you are already doing it.

In all honesty, I don't know lol

 

[PATILYN]

I have a little sensory question about kissing? Many months ago, in a flirting moment, I asked him to kiss me and he wouldn't/couldn't. He brushed his month across mine but that was all. I nearly ended friendship because I was offended and embarassed. However, I let it go once I considered we were quite "new". Several weeks later, another occasion arose, and I kissed him again very lightly, twice. He was okay with it. It was not intense and we didn't do it again. However, another few months later, when he was leaving on a little holiday, he grabbed my arms and kissed me. In my previous NT/NT relationships, I would have thought nothing of this. However, I know that he clearly took even light kissing quite seriously. So, I am wondering in your collective experiences/opinions, if kissing someone is an intimate thing. Something reserved solely for significant others or such?

 

[ksheehan88]

I have a little sensory question about kissing? Many months ago, in a flirting moment, I asked him to kiss me and he wouldn't/couldn't. He brushed his month across mine but that was all. I nearly ended friendship because I was offended and embarassed. However, I let it go once I considered we were quite "new". Several weeks later, another occasion arose, and I kissed him again very lightly, twice. He was okay with it. It was not intense and we didn't do it again. However, another few months later, when he was leaving on a little holiday, he grabbed my arms and kissed me. In my previous NT/NT relationships, I would have thought nothing of this. However, I know that he clearly took even light kissing quite seriously. So, I am wondering in your collective experiences/opinions, if kissing someone is an intimate thing. Something reserved solely for significant others or such?

Kissing doesn't bother me. I like it.

 

[PATILYN]

Kissing doesn't bother me. I like it.

Cool. I might seem a tad childish, but I don't lip kiss just anyone ... actually no one unless I am romantically interested. I just wondered if you are comfortable lip kissing, if it is a thing you like or are comfortable with everyone? LOL or just significant people. I am trying to figure out why the change in his response to my kissing him? He commented once to me that he would not kiss a girl who he was not going to pursue a relationship with because "he was not that kind of man". So I have to kind of wonder if he gave kissing me some serious consideration?

 

[Nitro]

 

[Keigan]

I couldn't say whether I think he has romantic interest in you or not, but the having to initiate communication - out of sight, out of mind.

There is truth there. For myself it makes all the difference to hear, see and feel my partner. It reminds me that things are real and that there is so much more beyond my own skin.

In the long distance relationships that I have been involved in where my partner had children, I’ve always requested that my partner contact me when they can - which is respectful towards their time and commitments. Though this is always communicated and agreed upon early on.

 

[Streetwise]

welcome

 

[PATILYN]

For myself it makes all the difference to hear, see and feel my partner. It reminds me that things are real and that there is so much more beyond my own skin.

Thank you for this. I always made sure I checked in/organized contact while he was here ... brought dinner, organized lunch out etc. He always agreed and always attended and always fully engaged with me. I felt very loved by his responsiveness to my initiating contact. I have occasionally felt sorry that he never set anything up and felt unsure of his feelings. But from what I have read, when someone on the spectrum is willing to give you time and spend time in your presence and is responsive to contact with you, it is a positive sign. As a result in this LDR, I have continued the same thing ... I am doing the care-taking. I am hoping that he knows that it comes from my heart and that I understand.

 

[dragoncat16]

I don't know if this is relevant because I'm not a man, though I am aspie, so take it with that in mind. Once in a relationship (and therefore with the confirmed mutual attraction), I would always let the other person determine the speed at which the relationship moves ahead. At the time, I convinced myself that it was the man's job to decide that sort of thing, but now I realize it might have been my undiagnosed ASD that caused me to be so shy about it. I simply didn't want to push myself on anyone.

 

[Keigan]

Thank you for this. I always made sure I checked in/organized contact while he was here ... brought dinner, organized lunch out etc. He always agreed and always attended and always fully engaged with me. I felt very loved by his responsiveness to my initiating contact. I have occasionally felt sorry that he never set anything up and felt unsure of his feelings. But from what I have read, when someone on the spectrum is willing to give you time and spend time in your presence and is responsive to contact with you, it is a positive sign. As a result in this LDR, I have continued the same thing ... I am doing the care-taking. I am hoping that he knows that it comes from my heart and that I understand.

Keep in mind that he might be following your initiative, your ability to lead - in that it might be challenging or overwhelming for him to do so.

 

[ksheehan88]

Cool. I might seem a tad childish, but I don't lip kiss just anyone ... actually no one unless I am romantically interested. I just wondered if you are comfortable lip kissing, if it is a thing you like or are comfortable with everyone? LOL or just significant people. I am trying to figure out why the change in his response to my kissing him? He commented once to me that he would not kiss a girl who he was not going to pursue a relationship with because "he was not that kind of man". So I have to kind of wonder if he gave kissing me some serious consideration?

Oh I see! Oh no I don't just kiss anyone lol. Significant other, my children (of course in a different way to my SO lol) and that's it. My Mum will kiss my cheek but I'm not a fan of it, I let her because she's my Mum lol.